So I just found my husband's online dating profile.

[captainchaos]

Apparently we've been "very separated for a few years now but not looking to upset the status quo at home yet due to children"

He set the profile up while I was on a work's night out last month, my first in years. This is all such a mess, and I don't want to dripfeed, so I'll try to bullet point it.

• I've suffered with depression for years. Last year my period returned for the first time since having DD (3yo). When that happened, my SSRI's lost their effectiveness and I started suffering from debilitating PMT
  
  *Last year I started a new PT job and became friends with a male colleague who I see for maybe 10 minutes each week. We have a similar sense of humor and started to exchange memes via email.
  
  *About 4 months ago I went to the GP for help with my mood swings. Her solution was to slowly wean me off the last meds and start me on something new. My mood has been increasingly low and irritable throughout, which does make me difficult to live with.
  
  *3 months ago, my "email friend" had a depressive episode, and so I increased email contact to help cheer him up.
  
  *Last month I started my new meds and also attended my first work's night out in years. That same evening, my husband set up his online dating profile.
  
  *During the work's night out, it was the first time I'd actually had any real time to chat with this colleague. I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to him, and kind of freaked out about it.
  
  *The new meds triggered 10 days of insomnia and coupled with my strange feelings for colleague I've pretty much had a breakdown. Feeling like both colleague and I were vulnerable, I told him I was feeling too strongly in his presence and wasn't comfortable seeing him in person.
  
  *Husband read my email, and was not pleased. I responded that the silly emails were helping me stay afloat and that I didn't intend to stop the friendship.
  
  *I made colleague aware that emails were being read by my husband, and carried on emailing/texting jokes and support.
  
  *Last night I felt awful and irritable and was cross with my husband, which made him really unhappy. He said something cryptic that made me think. So today, I figured turn about was fair play and logged into his email. There I discovered he's created profiles on POF and Friends With Benefits. I told him I knew, and he says it's my fault because I was texting my colleague, and said I had feelings for him.
  
  I don't even know why I'm waffling on here. It's over, isn't it? Neither of us trust the other, and we're both making each other so unhappy. What do I do now?
  
  
  
  *Continued

[Twinklestein]

Well you're not the one yelling at someone in labour, or at your child for putting too much cereal in a bowl.

He's got serious anger issues.

Is it really you that's 'failed' to 'provide' the dream? Because doesn't sound too dreamy himself...

His anger & negativity is what's making him unhappy but it's easier to blame you...

[TheOrchardKeeper]

You sound ground down. I don't like to jump on the LTB bandwagon but this relationship does sound dead in many respects & actually he doesn't sound very good for your mental health

It just felt so nice to chat to someone who doesn't think im shit

If your H makes you feel that way then it's a pretty good indicator that things have gone tits up.

[Twinklestein]

@joblot: well quite.

[MadBusLady]

Is this smoking weed, hence the anger issues?

[captainchaos]

Well, he's spent most of the time we've been parents pissed off at me for getting pregnant.

With DD1, I asked if we could start a family, he said ok and 5 minutes later (it seemed) I was pregnant. Then he freaked out, didn't want the baby anymore and we nearly split up. When she was born, we had HV's and home start all over to keep an eye on things, as I wasn't in a great state.

But he fell in love with her and started to really enjoy her. Then when she was about a year old (still hadn't had periods back yet) I fell pregnant again. He was PISSED! Not a happy bunny, he was made redundant, went off sick with stress and spent a month in bed contemplating suicide. (he has managed to block all of this out). So my pregnancy was spent worrying about my fragile husband, culminating in him freaking out while I was in labour. At the time, I was so upset that if I had anyone else to take me to hospital, I would have.

It's taken him a couple of years to warm to DD2, but he's finally got a decent relationship with her. For the past year, he's had to look after the girls one evening a week while I go to work, so he's more used to spending time with them on his own--but he was really resentful about having to do it.

I spent ages telling him how lovely it would be when he bonded with the girls, but now that it's happened, it's as though I have no energy left to bond with him.

[captainchaos]

No, just smoking tobacco. He's like jekyll and Hyde when he quits. I know it's not easy, I gave up myself years ago. But I didn't then re-start 4 times a year for the past 10 years and make him deal with it.

I do understand that I'm not easy to live with. I get arsey when I'm tired or hungry, and when i'm down I spend too much time on mumsnet/pinterest/blogging, etc. I'm messy, I lose things and forget to do things, so he does feel like he has to pick up a lot of slack for me. But at the same time, I'm responsible for pretty much everything to do with the girls, save his one evening a week, and even then I have to lay out clothes/pyjamas, etc.

[missbopeep]

I'm not unsympathetic but your heading should have been:' I've been having an emotional affair, been discovered and my DH has retaliated.'

If you are honest with yourself, the 'friendship' you had with your colleague was more than that in your head anyway. I suspect that you put more effort into the friendly banter of those emails than you were putting into real life interaction with your DH- and that for some time you have detached yourself from him.

It's not really on to 'blame' your depression as a reason for forging the contact with this other guy- your DH should be your best mate and someone you turn to when you need support.

It's far too soon to think of splitting up - you have a child.

Both of you need to stop playing games and sit down and have a very adult and serious talk about your marriage and how you can make it better- maybe with some couples counselling from Relate.

[captainchaos]

To be honest, the friendship was just that, until we went on a work's night out and actually spent some time in each other's company. Prior to that, we hadn't spoken in person for more than a couple of minutes once a week. While I was at the work's do, that's when my husband was setting up his online dating profile. I didn't go OTT and declare feelings for my colleague until about 10 days later, when I hadn't slept for a week and was seriously splitting from reality. So my husband didn't join a dating site in retaliation, it all happened at the same time.

But yes, I did really enjoy exchanging memes via email, and perhaps my husband felt left outbut his sense of humor is different than mine and it just isn't the kind of thing he would find funny. (a meme is an internet joke, usually a picture with a few words across it) But it isn't as though it was putting a lot of effort into banterjust sending funny photos.

[captainchaos]

Yes, My DH should be my best mate and someone I turn to when i need support. But that's hard when he tells me I'm unattractive, I ruin his life, I'm a poisonous bitch, A common slut, I'm incompetant...

He doesn't really "get" depression (despite having suffered with it severely, but blocking it out of his mind) and has been known to tell me it's "part of my weirdness, that I have special needs". So opening up to him isn't always easy.

And I wasn't trying to "blame" my depression for forging contact with my work colleague. I was trying to say that I don't trust the attraction, because it could just be based on the fact that he was being nice and my husband wasn't.

[carolthesecretary]

Screaming at you in labour that your're a poisonous bitch?! Do you honestly think that and the other things you've told us is acceptable? I think the vast majority of women would be depressed if they had put up with that sort of treatment.

Is it going to get better? Probably not, unless you agree to work together as a couple. It's not all up to you, you know.

[missbopeep]

Look- it's not good to spend time and energy having cosy email chats with a male colleague - and saying you have the same sense of humour is no excuse. Whether you want to admit it or not, you would be detaching from your DH emotionally and I suspect even if he didn't know the details, he'd feel ignored. I find it hard to accept that it was only when you went out that night that you realised there was a 'spark' with this guy. If you are honest , you were flattered by the attention - online or wherever.

The overall theme of your relationship is poor communication- your pregnancies, for starters. I do think he has behaved like an arse from what you say, but he also sounds like one very unhappy guy, frustrated with his responsibilities. You ought to know that it's possible to become PG even if your periods haven't started after the birth, so you were a little irresponsible to saddle him with child no. 2 when he wasn't sure about having child no. 1.

You both need to grow up and start thinking about the other people in your lives caught up in this - 2 kids are involved in this so the best you can do is start a conversation with your DH.

[carolthesecretary]

Just read your last post, OP. I'm sorry, I would be telling him to fuck right off. Life is hard enough without that sort of abuse. Because it is abuse.

[captainchaos]

I saddled him with child number 2? I don't recall asking him to go in without protection. There were condoms in the house, but he couldn't be bothered.

[missbopeep]

I'm not saying he hasn't got issues- he clearly has and his behaviour and criticism of you is not acceptable . BUT he's doing this for a reason - whatever that is. he is seething with resentment- some of it is maybe slightly understandable if you do detach and ignore him, but it doesn't excuse his immature behaviour. He needs help but you both need help as a couple. Can I ask why you have only decided to talk online now about this when clearly the marriage has been in trouble for a long, long time? it sounds that the dynamics are- he shouts, you ignore and do your own thing without communicating with him.

[missbopeep]

contraception is a joint decision surely?

[missbopeep]

Why were there condoms in the house if you were sure you couldn't conceive? Sorry- this isn't making sense.

[captainchaos]

I may as well come clean and say, that I don't just exchange emails with this one guy. I'm a bit of a meme tart--if I see something that I think will make someone laugh, I email it too them or post it on their facebook. I also blog a lot, tweet and post ridiculous statuses on facebook. I am a little bit renowned for it, and have a fair few followers just for the humor. It's a pretty big part of my personality that my husband isn't into.

[captainchaos]

There were condoms in the house because I bought them. Nobody said I was sure I couldn't concieve--but having no periods, I wasn't aware of my fertile times to take extra precautions. He was also aware that my periods hadn't returned, but couldn't be bothered walking upstairs to retrieve condoms. It was joint neglect that led to conception.

[Sorelip]

There's no excuse in the world good enough for verbally abusing a labouring woman. I haven't got the experience to comment on anything else.

[missbopeep]

so what do you think is the best course of action now?

and given that you spotted your DH's online profile, can you be sure he didn't read your emails?

I don't know- I don't think his behaviour is acceptable - but it's a long time since you were in labour and you've shut up and put up since then.

If you spend so much time online rather than engaging with the man you are married to, I'd be angry too.

Do you do that to avoid talking to him?

is there anything good in your marriage?

[MadBusLady]

But that's hard when he tells me I'm unattractive, I ruin his life, I'm a poisonous bitch, A common slut, I'm incompetant...

I think this is the nub of the problem TBH rather than "communications issues".

This is not normal, OP.

[Twinklestein]

But that's hard when he tells me I'm unattractive, I ruin his life, I'm a poisonous bitch, A common slut, I'm incompetant...

O rly? Well he can fuck off to planet fuck & never come back.

[Inertia]

I think you're right to avoid communication with work colleague- that's a complication you don't need.

Not sure how willing I'd be to salvage a marriage with a man who calls his wife a poisonous bitch while she's in labour. So he was giving up smoking and finding it hard- well boo bloody hoo. Sounds like the giving up smoking is just an excuse to be even more abusive than usual. This is the man with whom you are supposed to share the deepest trust, the greatest love, the strongest respect- but he spends all his time telling you what a failure he thinks you are and how you ruined his life by getting pregnant when he couldn't be bothered to take responsibility for contraception.

[Solo]

I feel like I sold him a dream of a loving family that I haven't been able to provide, and that I've failed him

You are not responsible for that! you certainly haven't failed him. That is a totally unreasonable guilt trip to lay on yourself.

[missbopeep]

Do you think that perhaps your 'refuge' into online chat, blogging etc is a kind of passive aggressive behaviour?

And his behaviour is quite clearly aggressive.

I know his behaviour when you were in labour was indefensible - but you have put up with it and say you love and respect him.

Either you are very tolerant, or have terrible self esteem and feel you deserve no better, or something is holding you together which isn't coming over in your posts.