DP lied to me

[beautybox2]

Hi
I'll be straight to the point here
DP gets 2 missed calls last night from a female work friend, we didn't see it till this morning.
I asked why she would be ringing At 12 at night so he texted her asking that
He got a text back saying because we thought you were going to (a bar in town)
DP then decides to tell me that they were trying to make him go for a drink after he finished work at 10 but h told them no.
He then rang the work friend and said why are you ringing me I told you I wasn't coming and she said but said you were (his boss)

I don't know why he feels the need to lie, I had dinner waiting and he knew this so I went to bed at 10.30 after waiting up and put dinner in the fridge.

After he rang her I messages her on Facebook and asked her what itwasall about as he was lying to me and she said that after they went out for a Indian they thought he was going to the bar.... He failed to tell me he was going out for a meal with work friends.
I wouldn't have mindedbut the fact he lied to me about going out after work has upset me, he knew I had made him dinner.
I had a long day with the children and could have done with a early night. Why would he need to lie!! He said he's sorry. He also said he think that this work colleague fancies him and he said his boss thinks so too so I'm thinking he's got something else to hide.

Apparent ly he has been afew times for a Indian after work and has never told me and said if I knew I wouldn't have liked it? I have never not let him do what he wants why does he need to lie!!
I've since messages work friend asking if anything else is going on and she won't reply! I don't get it!

Please let me know your opinions

:)

[Doinmummy]

I may be being a bit dense but I don't quite understand. Your DP was asked out for a drink but he said 'No'.
Did he come home late then ? Or did he come home on time?

If work colleague was asking where he was surely he wasn't with them ??

[Tortington]

you e-mailed the work person?

if this was a suspected affair - i could see the logic even if i didn't agree

but you may have made your dh a laughing stock at work, jeapordised his job, etc.

total over reaction

[Vivacia]

I think it's a really bad idea to approach his colleague about this.

[forumdonkey]

In the confused corner too.

Your DH goes out from work for a curry. Fellow colleagues then go onto a bar. When your DH doesn't turn up they text him to find out where he is??

If I've got the gist of it - I don't see the problem tbh I certainly wouldn't be suspicious that sounds quite normal. I wouldn't have been contacting his colleagues though. I suspect her reluctance in replying is not wanting to get involved

[beautybox2]

He came home 12 when I was expecting him at. 10.30.

He leaves work at 10 to come home but didn't text to say he was going for a Indian, even though he knew I had cooked for him.

The work friend is a friend on my Facebook, I don't speak to her much but I know her. DP and his boss thinks she fancies him?

[BasilBabyEater]

"Apparent ly he has been afew times for a Indian after work and has never told me and said if I knew I wouldn't have liked it? I have never not let him do what he wants..."

He's lying.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

Stop cooking for him.

[BasilBabyEater]

It's not the text that's suspicious.

It's the lying about where he's been "a few times"

That's not normal.

[Vivacia]

Your relationship with your partner is not really anything to do with his boss, so why are you giving his opinion so much weight?

If she fancies him, it sounds as though your husband is doing the right thing and not going out drinking when she's part of the group.

The only thing he's done wrong here is be inconsiderate in not letting you know he wasn't coming straight home and checking if that was ok with you.

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

Ah, so he'd told you he was working till 10 but actually he had finished and gone for an Indian with his work mates?

He should be able to be straight about that. How often do either of you usually go out without the other? If he feels he would like to go out more often then he ought to say so honestly - but I wonder how much you get to go out with your friends. Are you an SAHM? (you mention a 'long day with the children'?) If so, is he taking you for granted a bit and assuming you will just be 'on duty' 24/7, but at the same time knowing deep down this isn't great so he lies?

I wouldn't contact the work colleague again. I would keep an eye on Facebook and tell your DP that he should not lie about where he's going or who with ever again.

[forumdonkey]

It sounds like he went for a curry from work and instead of joining all his other colleagues for a drink he came home. I can't see what the problem is other than he felt the need to lie but that might be because of your reaction.

[beautybox2]

He didn't let me know via text or phone all that he was going out for a meal that was my problem. I only found out because she text him asking him why he didn't go to the bar.
So if the work friend never text him, i wouldn't have ever known and he had gone for Indians on about 5 different occasions and never told me.

So when I wait up for him till 10.30 and say how's you day been ect , he doesn't say he's been out for a meal with work friends. I ask him if he's hungry and he says no he's eaten.

[forumdonkey]

I've got to be honest I think contacting his colleagues on fb an overreaction and maybe he feels that saying he wanted to go out for a curry might have upset you.

[Vivacia]

I agree with forumdonkey. I think you should talk about why he felt he had to lie about going out for a curry. I'm guessing it's partly because he doesn't want to upset you and partly because he feels guilty about having a "treat" that you're not.

[beautybox2]

I'm a SAHM have been for nearly 3 years, have just started meeting up with old friends from school, I'm 22 and have no family near, my mum lives a hour a way and I stay with her for a weekend every few weeks.
I have always waited up for him as he says I'm boring if I don't or that it's not nice coming in and everyone's asleep.
I'm just annoyed that I had a nice meal slow cooking since 12 noon yesterday and let him know this. I'm not a great cook so this is a nice thing to do I thought!
I don't understand why he didn't let me know he was going for meal straight after work. He said he thought I 'wouldn't like it' I wouldn't have minded but I cooked for him, I thought maybe that's why he thought I wouldn't like it, but what about all the other times he's gone for a meal and hasn't told me?
It's hard work being at home with a 9 month old and a 2and a half year old and I look foward to some adult conversation when he comes home, I was so tired yesterday so went to bed at. 10.30 which I never do.
I asked DP why he was so late home and he said there was lots of clearing up to do.. I don't actually know what time he got in, only the missed call from work friend at12so assumed he got in then

I have no issue with it, just that he lied to me, why would he lie about something so trivial, he's caused more upset by lying to me than no telling me. It makes me wonder. What else he's lying about!

[beautybox2]

I agree forummonkey I shouldn't have messages her but its not like we were complete strangers, I just thought she might tell me the truth but no.

[Vivacia]

Are you going to talk to him about everything you said in your post at 20:38? He needs to know what you need from him.

[Lioninthesun]

P I know how you feel - my ex used to do this, kind of, and say he would be home 7/8 and arrive stinking of booze on the last train back.
It got to the point where it was only 1 night a week he would actually make it back for dinner, and I got to the point I didn't even bother asking if I would see him. It was the beginning of the end for us, but in hindsight I suppose he was feeling a bit stressed about having a NB.
Can you talk to him calmly and explain your POV?
I do think you should perhaps nt have emailed his colleague...there will be rumours at his work now. He may even come under MORE pressure to socialise after work to show he is not under the thumb silly man rules sadly

[sleeton]

Is his boss by any chance female, too?

[forumdonkey]

What truth didn't she tell you OP?

You sound pretty annoyed that you'd cooked but then he ate out. The thing is if he did go for an indian that's all he did because of the time he got home - he was only about an hour or so late which I would say is the time it takes to order and eat

[Lioninthesun]

It's more about seeing/spending time with an adult I think. I am in same position with no close family and seeing ex was sometimes the only time I felt I didn't have to be the 'adult in charge'. And yes, when you have made the effort to cook for an extra adult to share adult time, being fobbed off wears thin very fast.

[MissStrawberry]

He isn't being respectful to you at all.

Tell him to pack it in with the lying and the ordering you about. If he wants to come home to a partner who is awake then he needs to come home at 10 and not after midnight.

[bleedingheart]

I understand why you are upset. Liars telling you they've lied because they 'knew you wouldn't like it' often miss the point that it is the lie that causes the upset.
He only had to say 'don't bother cooking for me, I want to get a curry after work.'
It causes more distrust.
I wouldn't email the colleague again, I don't think that will get you anywhere.

[beautybox2]

He works in a fish and chip shop, boss is male, 2 female work firnds and another male work friend so I don't think it's going to affect work that much. They all get on well, apart from one female work friend shows signs of fancying DP. Nothing to worry about there. I don't think there's any funny business that just my brain working over time.
I don't care if I've made things awkward its his fault for not letting me know he was going out after work so I should go to bed.
I could have rung my mum and had a chat if it wasn't too late.
I can literally go all day not speaking or seeing another adult, trying to relactate! ( that's another story!)

I want him to go out and have fun but I just need a text so I can turn in for the night. To much to ask?

Thanks for all the support :)

[Vivacia]

Definitely not too much to ask. Are you going to talk to him about what you said in your 20:38 post? He's not a mind-reader.