Evil mil ruining relationship

[Rosie80488]

Help! I have an evil mil. Don't know where to start but my partners mother is ruining our relationship. My DS is 10 months old and it all started from the day he was born. She was desperate to get him to herself, I was BF and unable to express so couldn't allow her to take him away from me, plus to be honest I felt very protective of him probably due to hormones. Then the pressure to bottle feed started. Once she realised that wasn't going to be an option she started saying when he was unhappy/unsettled this was due to me drinking and breastfeeding! I knew my limits and he had a formula bottle at night and I didn't breastfeed between 5pm and 5am. That was 12 hours without me feeding so if I wanted to have a glass or two of wine that was fine. She constantly made digs and comments to me. Then all hell broke loose one night and she started crying and accused me of being a terrible mother/bitch/waste of space etc. We had a big argument and since then it's been difficult. I can't do anything without her having an opinion about it and voicing it to my partner who then feeds it back to me. She is unstable and tbh I worry about her mental health. My DS has had quite a few colds and she blames this on me. She makes comments implying I should be back at work (I'm off for a year), I go out to much ( because I have a social life and my partner chooses not too), and generally don't do things right. My partner is very defensive of her and I can't say anything to her if I don't agree with what she's done or said without her going away crying and making me out to be rude/ungrateful. Just the other day I was telling her I was going to buy him pram shoes as soon he will be walking and then we will take him to get his first pair of shoes fitted. She had him that afternoon and even after I had told her my plans......went and got his first pair of shoes properly fitted(which he isn't ready for). When I told her I had wanted to do that as it was a big thing she said "that's a shame"! Another example of her lack of respect for me. Now she has caused another argument between my partner and I by crying and telling my partner I was rude and ungrateful. Would anyone else be upset by this? Or am I over reacting? Sorry for such a long message.

[pinkyredrose]

The problem isn't your MIL it's your partner.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

She can't do anything without the co-operation of you and your partner because she has no more power than you give her.

She can try to ruin whatever she likes but it is only ruined by your partner not telling her to shut the hell up.

Your problem is that you have shacked up with a bloke who thinks Mummy Dearest can do no wrong.

If you want things to change - it's him that needs to.

[Xales]

What pinky says.

Your P should be stopping her in her tracks when she starts and none of it should come back to you as valid comments.

All the time he sides with her he undermines you and you will never have a good relationship unless you bow and scrape to her every whim and desire.

[Rosie80488]

Do you think? He won't back me up at all. He always says I'm over reacting about things. In regards to the shoe thing he says "it's only a pair of shoes, get over it"! We are supposed to be a family now but I feel like it's him/his family and me/my family and my son in the middle. :(

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Stop telling her stuff you're going to do.

Or tell her that you're going to do stuff such as buy your son a and cross your fingers

But yes, your problem is your husband as much as it is your mother in law.

A pair of shoes, logically, is actually not that big a deal. It's just shoes. But it mattered to you and if something is really important to you, he should at least understand that and not dismiss your feelings.

He should also care about your upset as much as mummy dearest's.

[Rosie80488]

I suppose I don't want to realise he is choosing her over me and my son. He can't see she's ruining us. All he had to do it stand up to her, but he won't and I can't make him. :(

[Potteresque97]

That's sad for you, I agree though, your partner should be backing you up. Mil would never have been allowed to get dds first shoes without me...and also for the other comments, her boundaries are all wrong because dh has let berthing she can push you around.

[Rosie80488]

They stay really near us which doesn't help, they are so interfering. That's how I feel, no one respects my feelings! I think because of what's happened in the past I do become defensive around her. I have tried so hard just to get along but every time she makes a dig I can actually see red!

[superduperwuper]

I would take the shoes back to the shop.

Your DH needs to be backing you up here and maybe needs to see the consequences of his actions e.g. spending a lot of time with his Mum and your DS alone as you and him are no longer together.

She needs putting back in her box and by your DH.

When she has been sorted out I think she sounds like someone who needs a lot of smile and nods, "did you mean to be so rude?"s, large glasses of wine to deal with her nonsense.

[Rosie80488]

I know. I'm going to speak to him again. She manipulates him and is trying to turn him against me. If things don't resolve soon I think it'll be time to leave!

[Potteresque97]

Good luck Rosie, that woman is basically a bit mad, I've never understood mums who seem to prefer to split their adult children's relationships up than accept that they don't have control and need to back off. I second taking the shoes back to the shop, yanbu. Agree once she understands boundaries better then you can just ignore, hard though it is.

[pigsDOfly]

Yes take the shoes back to the shop and give them a rocket for fitting and selling shoes when the child is not ready for them - most reputable children's shoe shops will not sell you shoes till the child is walking properly. And then tell mil to butt out.

Just that one act alone of buying your baby's first shoes shows what a bitch she is.

I fear you are going to have to give up on the idea of your DH putting her in her place and do it yourself.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Please do reflect before using her for child care when you return to work.

You need to trust the person who keeps your child.

It will also give her power to wreck your relationship even more.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

I would completely cut contact with her. She is not allowed to see you or your DS. Full stop. Life is far too short to deal with a vile excuse for a human being.

Then see how your partner manages that - should show him up for what he is and where his priorities are.

It's not difficult to cut out a close family member EVEN if your other family members have contact btw. I have done it and it has made me a very happy person and hasn't affected my other family members.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

BTW from the sound of it, there is a reason that your partner 'chooses not to' have a social life - and that is most likely the way he was raised.

[TheFallenNinja]

Agree with all. DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mum (a tall order but, theta the deal)

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Is your life richer for knowing her? No. Keep her at arm's length.

She produced a son who grew up and you fell in love with. That is her sum contribution to your happiness. DP can't expect you to put up with her browbeating you. You are his DP and mother to his son not some random female he picked up and impregnated. She might prefer you to be out of the picture leaving her DS and GDS all to her but that isn't going to happen.

Do not contemplate giving DS over to her care if you go back to work.

You said "they" live close by. Is he financially dependent on his parents? Does his father meddle or does he urge DP to keep his mum happy? Is DP an only child? If he is it is all the more likely she will seek ever more control over the 3 of you.

Involvement doesn't give carte blanche to interfere. Involvement only happens with your agreement. If you can't afford to move away from DP's parents then you have to make it clear to him where you stand.

[Dahlialover]

When he grows out of the shoes, send oh over with him to remind them to get some new ones. Don't forget to tell them what to get (or not to if you are going to have to use reverse psychology). Also, with haircuts and subsequent children (although I suspect they will go off the idea)

[Prozacbear]

Rosie, I'm pretty non-militant about this sort of thing, but your MIL sounds EXACTLY like my ex-MIL. And that sort of woman doesn't change - ex-DP was the light of her life and DS was that, times a billion. She adored him and nothing was good enough - she genuinely feels as though she's the third parent and ex-DP, because he's a bit of a fence-sitter and she makes his life easier, let's her take the lead when he has DS.

ex-DP is lovely, mild, and won't stand up to his mother unless pushed. And I resented him for forcing me to be in a war with her, because he couldn't make his mind up about who to support. Unless you are willing to change your DP's entire mindset about his mother and most probably her methods of childcare (which will force him to look at his OWN upbringing and believe me that is a whole other can of worms because there's probably something there, given the mother), you will always have this tension.

She won't change. Will he? Willingly? Without you having to nag him, constantly?

EX-DP and I split up. I am so much happier. DS and ex-MIL have a great relationship. She still buys his shoes and I don't really care because it's no longer my 'problem' iyswim - the problem was who DP was loyal to and the feeling of being constantly undermined - now that is no longer in my face, I can rationalise it.

I'm not saying 'leave him'. But make sure that at NO point are you relying on MIL for anything. Certainly not childcare.

[Rosie80488]

Thanks for all the comments. My partners one of two, he has an older sister, but he is the golden boy as his sister has lived away for many years. When he takes my DS up to hers she takes lead, he sits back and relaxes. He can't seem to spend a day with our DS without taking him up to their house! It drives me mad. He is obviously telling her all out relationship problems as well as I can tell from some of her digs, for example falling behind on housework etc. My partners father is ok, but will "always stick up for his wife" that annoys me more as my partner should do the same. I should have seen alarm bells long ago as not long after we got together I broke up with him and she arrived at my mothers house to have a go at me for it! Accused me of seeing my ex! She's not right in the head. I was going to have to rely on her for childcare for 1 day a week but I'm seriously having second thoughts, even if it means I'm skint!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If she is too toxic for you to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for your child to have any sort of contact with. She must not childmind your son under any circumstances. This woman will just fill your son's head with all sorts of rubbish and she will use him too to get back at you.

Your man is deeply in FOG with regards to his mother; FOG stands for fear, obligation, guilt. He has FOG in spades. Such men are completely unable to assert themselves primarily because their parents (his Dad is a bystander and acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life) have never allowed him to do this. You have unfortunately come across a very dysfunctional family unit.

Small wonder therefore his sister moved away; she moved for good reason (she is probably the scapegoat whilst your man is the golden child. Narcissistic mothers too often have their children now adults as a scapegoat or golden child. Both are roles not without price but unfortunately your man is too enmeshed to realise that he is paying a very high price here.

You must have boundaries and stick to them to the letter; make these a lot higher than they are currently as well.

Would suggest too you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

[BOF]

Do NOT use her for childcare- it will bring a world of pain, I promise you.

[Prozacbear]

Ah, Rosie, he's my ex-DP! I once turned up at a party on a weekend where ex-DP was meant to have DS, and DP was there, merrily drinking a cocktail. DS was with his mother! Neither had thought to tell me where my own son was, of course, because it was between them.

And yes of course your DP whinges to her when he's irritated - she's mummy and she's hardly going to tell him to man up, is she? Honestly, mothers like this ruin their sons - and the worst thing is that they LIKE their sons to be stunted and unable to function without them, because it means they will never not be needed.

Like your MIL, my ex-MIL has berated me inappropriately, accused me of god-knows-what.

Please, please don't rely on this woman for childcare. And I agree with Attila - set boundaries, make your DP agree to them, enforce them militantly. Once you're in her world of weirdness, it's difficult to get out.

[EagleRiderDirk]

She sounds just like my ex mil. Her behaviour and his lack of telling her to reign it in was what caused us to split. Thankfully there were no kids. Ex fil was the same as yours too. Exh wasn't an onlynchild, he had a brother and she was the exact same way with him and his partners. It was so sick to see her gloat when she successfully got both her sons back home. They were late 20s/early 30s. Women like that don't change, and neither do men like your dp. You either stick it or you set the rules and dp just has to tow the line or you ,leave. Whichever keeps your sanity in tact.