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Infidelity...... not such a bad thing?

(84 Posts)
cronullansw Wed 08-May-13 01:19:55

''social sanctions around ANY sexual infidelity have hardened to try and keep us true to one another. All 'cheating' is considered wrong and the ethos is 'one strike and you're out.' The trouble with this new ethos is that I believe (after three years' research for a book on infidelity) that the myths and taboos surrounding infidelity are doing more damage to relationships than the extra marital sex itself.''

Taken from this article on the main site......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bloggers/1749752-Guest-blog-Infidelity-is-a-fact-of-life-and-we-arent-helping-children-by-not-talking-about-it

My view is that infidelity is no reason to wreck a home, but I know I'm swimming against the tide compared to the MN moral majority's standard LTB kneejerk response.

It's an interesting read smile

DottyboutDots Fri 10-May-13 09:27:27

I think the OP has a point but then in RL, i've known couples get over infidelity without doing everything that is stated on here. The main consideration seems to be 'will my life be worse without this person in it'.

At uni I had a boyfriend who was chronically unfaithful. He was a blast though and so much fun. We drifted as I didn't want to commit. My other serious boyfriend was quite a possessive type, moody if he didn't get his own way though we obviously had some good times! When I reminisce it's not the moody one I think of with affection.

Jessicacook2229 Sat 30-Sep-17 22:57:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flammingstar Sun 01-Oct-17 01:29:13

What if one partner is not having an affair as such (I.e. repeated meets with one person) but instead is meeting multiple people for sex on a fairly regular basis for many years without the wife's knowledge??
Is that more or less forgivable in your opinion than 'investing' in an emotional attachement of an affair with just one person???
Curious as to your views.

Flammingstar Sun 01-Oct-17 01:37:48

Just to clarify the above post is NOT about me. I am single, never married and when in a committed relationship I am always 100% monogamous...... I have however been cheated on twice by LT partners, one of which I later discovered was shagging everything that moved and for various reasons
I wondered what the opinions were. I know someone who is cheating with multiple people.

RedForFilth Sun 01-Oct-17 03:42:42

The biggest favour my ex ever did was cheat on me. It gave me the confidence to be happy on my own for the first time in my life. Becoming a single parent has also been the making of me as a person. I now have friendships I never would have had otherwise and I am closer than ever to my family.

I forgave once (I wouldn't have if my son wasn't 4 weeks old) and being in a relationship with broken trust was just pointless for me. I emotionally checked out so the second time I didn't even cry, not even after I asked him to leave.

I am definitely more wary of people and I don't trust easily. I can't imagine fully trusting anyone again. But, I used to be such a mug and would let people walk all over me. I would never stay with a cheat because I will never allow myself to be treated like that and I don't want my son to think that's how you treat people you love. Not that he will know why we split but still. I deserve so much better than that. I am so much stronger now and my tolerance for being treated badly by anyone I come across is so low. So, painful as it was, I'm glad it happened.

differentnameforthis Sun 01-Oct-17 05:53:20

But leaving a partner, destroying a household, wrecking kids lives, because of a bit of sex? That is not necessary. How about we let people do what they think is necessary at a time like this, without telling them how to feel/what to do/what is & isn't necessary?

RedForFilth Sun 01-Oct-17 06:45:25

differentnameforthis well said! I know some people think splitting up is bad for children. My personal belief is that allowing them to grow up seeing an unhealthy, unhappy relationship as normal is worse. Two separate but happy parents has to be better than beint together but miserable, as I see with many couples.

Emilybrontescorsett Sun 01-Oct-17 07:15:48

I agree with what's been said.
Being in a mutually open relationship is fine.
Committing yourself to one person, often vowing in front of all your friends and family,and God for that matter, and then deceiving and lieing to that person is wrong.

If you want to have sex with lots of people go right ahead, but be honest about it.
It isn't just sex that tips the deceived person over the edge, it's the fact that all the trust had gone. Time and money has been used.
No doubt when one person was st home doing all the caring and hard work involved in raising a family or left at home lonely, the cheater was out enjoying themselves,
The wronged person had probably tolerated many an unpleasant day whilst not knowing their oh was out having the time of their life.
Interestingly, the cheater quite often would go ape shit if they thought the other person was doing the same to them.
Why not be honest and give your partner free time instead of making them believe they are doing the right thing putting the relationship first and tolerating bits of you they don't like, when in reality they could be out having great sex too?
Or even decide they don't want this life and allowing them the chance to end the relationship and move on.
So all in all, open relationships are fine providing both parties are in agreement from the start that this is the set up. Shagging around behind your partners back, not ok.

Oh and another thing I guess the reason for the dishonesty is down to the cheater wanting to have their cake and eat it,
They quite like having a wife/husband at home whilst they can go out shagging .

MoseShrute Sun 01-Oct-17 08:41:46

Zombie thread

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