Infidelity...... not such a bad thing?

[cronullansw]

''social sanctions around ANY sexual infidelity have hardened to try and keep us true to one another. All 'cheating' is considered wrong and the ethos is 'one strike and you're out.' The trouble with this new ethos is that I believe (after three years' research for a book on infidelity) that the myths and taboos surrounding infidelity are doing more damage to relationships than the extra marital sex itself.''

Taken from this article on the main site......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bloggers/1749752-Guest-blog-Infidelity-is-a-fact-of-life-and-we-arent-helping-children-by-not-talking-about-it

My view is that infidelity is no reason to wreck a home, but I know I'm swimming against the tide compared to the MN moral majority's standard LTB kneejerk response.

It's an interesting read :)

[Emilybrontescorsett]

I agree with what's been said.
Being in a mutually open relationship is fine.
Committing yourself to one person, often vowing in front of all your friends and family,and God for that matter, and then deceiving and lieing to that person is wrong.

If you want to have sex with lots of people go right ahead, but be honest about it.
It isn't just sex that tips the deceived person over the edge, it's the fact that all the trust had gone. Time and money has been used.
No doubt when one person was st home doing all the caring and hard work involved in raising a family or left at home lonely, the cheater was out enjoying themselves,
The wronged person had probably tolerated many an unpleasant day whilst not knowing their oh was out having the time of their life.
Interestingly, the cheater quite often would go ape shit if they thought the other person was doing the same to them.
Why not be honest and give your partner free time instead of making them believe they are doing the right thing putting the relationship first and tolerating bits of you they don't like, when in reality they could be out having great sex too?
Or even decide they don't want this life and allowing them the chance to end the relationship and move on.
So all in all, open relationships are fine providing both parties are in agreement from the start that this is the set up. Shagging around behind your partners back, not ok.

Oh and another thing I guess the reason for the dishonesty is down to the cheater wanting to have their cake and eat it,
They quite like having a wife/husband at home whilst they can go out shagging .

[RedForFilth]

differentnameforthis well said! I know some people think splitting up is bad for children. My personal belief is that allowing them to grow up seeing an unhealthy, unhappy relationship as normal is worse. Two separate but happy parents has to be better than beint together but miserable, as I see with many couples.

[differentnameforthis]

But leaving a partner, destroying a household, wrecking kids lives, because of a bit of sex? That is not necessary. How about we let people do what they think is necessary at a time like this, without telling them how to feel/what to do/what is & isn't necessary?

[RedForFilth]

The biggest favour my ex ever did was cheat on me. It gave me the confidence to be happy on my own for the first time in my life. Becoming a single parent has also been the making of me as a person. I now have friendships I never would have had otherwise and I am closer than ever to my family.

I forgave once (I wouldn't have if my son wasn't 4 weeks old) and being in a relationship with broken trust was just pointless for me. I emotionally checked out so the second time I didn't even cry, not even after I asked him to leave.

I am definitely more wary of people and I don't trust easily. I can't imagine fully trusting anyone again. But, I used to be such a mug and would let people walk all over me. I would never stay with a cheat because I will never allow myself to be treated like that and I don't want my son to think that's how you treat people you love. Not that he will know why we split but still. I deserve so much better than that. I am so much stronger now and my tolerance for being treated badly by anyone I come across is so low. So, painful as it was, I'm glad it happened.

[Flammingstar]

Just to clarify the above post is NOT about me. I am single, never married and when in a committed relationship I am always 100% monogamous...... I have however been cheated on twice by LT partners, one of which I later discovered was shagging everything that moved and for various reasons
I wondered what the opinions were. I know someone who is cheating with multiple people.

[Flammingstar]

What if one partner is not having an affair as such (I.e. repeated meets with one person) but instead is meeting multiple people for sex on a fairly regular basis for many years without the wife's knowledge??
Is that more or less forgivable in your opinion than 'investing' in an emotional attachement of an affair with just one person???
Curious as to your views.

[DottyboutDots]

I think the OP has a point but then in RL, i've known couples get over infidelity without doing everything that is stated on here. The main consideration seems to be 'will my life be worse without this person in it'.

At uni I had a boyfriend who was chronically unfaithful. He was a blast though and so much fun. We drifted as I didn't want to commit. My other serious boyfriend was quite a possessive type, moody if he didn't get his own way though we obviously had some good times! When I reminisce it's not the moody one I think of with affection.

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

cronullansw - amusement to something so serious is a really strange affect in the circumstances. Shock, maybe, or puzzlement. But amusement is a very odd response. Have you considered counselling?

Also, I can read. And write. And spell. Your point is?

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Especially when you, yourself are a Mumsnetter, as well. Thereby proving the theory defunct.

[scaevola]

"He looked at another woman" - then "LTB" would be a spoof and OTT response. But that's a straw man situation which is not relevant to circumstances where there has been a huge breach of trust (such as the protracted lying inherent in an affair, and often the most hurtful part).

So the poster is saying "He's been lying to me for months" then it would be wrong o say someone should uncritically stay. And what usually happens is that posters advise time and space and making an active decision on whether to continue the relationship, and to make that decision only after time has passed and OP is feeling stronger.

Stereotyping MNetters rarely leads to persuasive argument.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

But of course, not you MissLucy, you're above such banalities.

I'd have thought suburban housewives would be far more likely to turn a blind eye to infidelity to maintain the status quo, than leave the bastard...

[AnyFucker]

Deb,, you are being taken for a mug, love

Why your cheating partner is still
"there" with you is explained by how you tell us you spent your bank holiday

"cooking, cleaning, baking"

You are a domestic appliance to him, while he gets fun times elsewhere

Just throw him out

[LittleMissLucy]

I feel a bit bad for you Cronullansw. I don't think you've done anything wrong in starting this thread. But you have seriously underestimated a lot of Mumsnetters collective ability to objectively and somewhat intellectually, discuss something.

It can't easily be done - it has to be highly personalized, i.e. you are causing offense to specific individuals, or causing them to turn on you with personal criticism of how they perceive you. Its just the way it is here, unfortunately. Its like walking into suburbia and finding a bunch of women talking over a garden fence with only gripes and bitchiness to share.

[cronullansw]

FFS... there are some people here who can't read.

Freddie - I didn't say the blog was amusing, I found the fact that it came from a completely different direction to the one most Relationship posters are coming from to be amusing. It would be like The Mirror having a ''isn't David Cameron a great guy'' editorial.

Storm - again, FFS, I'm practising fidelity, but I do find the 'omg, he looked at another woman - LTB' response that is so commonly preached from here to be stupid beyond words. If I am judgemental about others holding 'traditional' views, surely they are being judgemental toward me for holding different views? We are allowed to have different opinions aren't we, there is no opinion approval test before joining MN is there?

[debtherat]

Only 5 months but feels longer. He keeps saying that I need to help him - think he means be nice to him/don't get angry...but I don't perceive that he is doing anything - odd forced compliment, how are you, maintains he wants to stay here. B/h weekend left it to him to organise something for us - I spent 6 hours cleaning/food shopping baking. Went onto email and message to him from Facebook young female foreign friend asking how his affair was going!?? And saying she enjoyed messing around with him!! I went ballistic, asking what she meant by messing around and he played it down and wouldn't show me previous exchanges. Still v, angry - he also mentioned that he had been in contact with OW re work project only (she left his workplace in Dec) only re work v.hard to believe. He mainly uses password protected email and iPhone so I do wonder what other delights I would find on here. I struggle to understand why he is still here.

[PostBellumBugsy]

As somone who did LTB, it is no light undertaking. I tried to make things work for a year, but it was hopeless.
LTB was a darn sight harder than getting married. Apart from the pain & heartbreak and all that miserable stuff, the admin was a nightmare, the arrangements for the children was a nightmare and the splitting of assets was a nightmare. It was almost enough for me to TTBB!!!

[onefewernow]

Agreeing, not after g. iPhone!

[SomeDizzyWhore1804]

Not the moral majority by any stretch of the imagination but I agree with all the posters who have said the lies are the problem.

I would be more than a bit pissed off if DH was putting it about outside our marriage but that would be as an aside to the betrayal I would feel about him lying to me day in, day out and taking an active decision to do it and keep doing it. Not okay. It's not really about the immorality of the act as such.

[onefewernow]

Perfectstorm, that is a really interesting point. That if you agree to remain with someone after infidelity and lies have taken place, you are after g to a new relationship and the old one is already over.

It does takes time to develop though. For me, I got some of the changes immediately and others have been a work in progress, with him having sole counselling finally.

So LTB didn't work for me, and I don't think all changes can be made overnight. However, there had to be a cut off point, and its easy to see why people might not think its worth the effort. I actually think, as someone who didn't LTB, that is still a fair suggestion, as so many people don't consider that they can do so.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

You seem to be almost sneering at people who don't put up with shit and, yes, LTB.

Why? It's odd.

[Dahlen]

I have no problem separating sex from emotion. Trouble is, as soon as you lie to someone in order to have sex, you throw the two together. So when a relationship breaks down due to an affair, it isn't because of the sex it's because of the betrayal of trust.

[perfectstorm]

You know OP, what I find interesting is that you clearly think your attitude to sex is better. You're judgemental and sanctimonious towards those holding more traditional views. That's no different.

I hold no views, other than that people need to communicate their wants and expectations and to be fair to their partner. It's up to them what arrangements best suit them, but to pretend to monogamy so your partner is faithful to you, while you fuck around, is nauseating. And that's the most common. Cheating spouses usually get very pissed off when the other spouse meets someone else.

Open relationships are morally no better nor worse than monogamous ones, IMO. But cheating has about as much to do with that as knife crime does surgery.

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

Correction. I was a wife whose husband had an affair. I am no longer his wife.