My brother is a mummy's boy and complete loser

[CelticPixie]

I've talked in here a bit about my brother before. How he is almost 30, but despite having a really good job still lives at home with my parents. He treats the house like a hotel and my mum like a personal maid/servant whatever you want to call it.

He cannot do anything for himself she does all his washing, makes and changes his bedding and makes doctors and dentist appointment for him. When he had a bump in his almost brand new sports car she phoned the insurance company for him etc. He can't even put his dishes in the bloody dishwasher himself, she does that for him as well! When people ask why he still lives at home he says he can't afford it but in reality he just has it too good. His bedroom is like a luxury penthouse with large plasma screen TV, his own broadband Internet, X Box, Wiii and every other mod con going. He wears designer clothes and he and his girlfriend eat out most evenings, they are always going on weekend away and on holiday.

You cannot say anything remotely negative about my brother to my mum because she jumps down your throat and accuses you of picking on him. My dad sees my brother as a bit if a loser, but he knows better than to speak up and say anything about it.

So that's the background. One day last year my brother went out and bought a puppy without my parents permission. They had always maintained they didn't want a dog, but he ensured them he'd walk it himself etc. Which he did for a few weeks until the dog got too big and started chewing everything in sight. You can probably guess what happened next. He now rarely bothers with the dog and its my dad who walks him.

The best part is when my parents go away on holiday they, or rather my mum, now expects me to go to the house and let it him out, feed him etc because they know my brother won't do it. I don't mind doing this as I am an animal lover and have a dog of my own, but it pisses me off. Last night I went around to let him out for a wee and the dog had chewed up a dining room chair because he was probably bored and felt ignored. No sign of my brother. The house was deserted. He finally came back and I pointed out that you can't leave a dog on its own for ours on end because its cruel. He went on to whinge about how the dog "barks all the time" and "chews everything" and I pointed out that's because its what dogs do, and he's probably bored and needs some attention.

My brother is completely immature, spoiled and irresponsible. Its not his fault it's my mums for making him that way. I just really need to vent about it, I know if I say what I really think ill just get a mouthful of abuse off him.

Arghhhhh!!

[oinkment]

That sounds enormously frustrating. Not surprised that you need to vent - hope it helped.

Calm yourself with the knowledge that you are a fully functional human being with highs and lows and a real life to feel proud of. Your mother has done your brother no favours and he is not on a path to happiness.

[CelticPixie]

Thanks oinkment.

Went around this morning to let the dog out again. Brother was still in bed, all the curtains were drawn etc. The kitchen a complete mess which I refuse to clean, I stayed for about an hour and a half fussing over the dog and my brother never appeared once. Typically.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why does it matter? So he's a mummy's boy but he seems very happy with the arrangement.

[Snazzynewyear]

Cogito I think the bit that matters is the neglect of the dog - when there is a grown adult actually in the house to look after it, the idea that another person has to come in to do that is staggering. That does impact on the OP.

OP, definitely don't clean the kitchen! That's certainly not your job. Could you take the dog to your house while they're away so that you don't have to keep going backwards and forwards! Frustrating I know. I think you have to think of it as your parents' dog and that you are helping them out. Or maybe next time suggest they put the dog in kennels if they are going away. That will cost them or your brother of course but that's their responsibility.

As for his general way of life, it sounds pretty lame to me but sadly you parents are enabling him in this so there's not a lot you can do. Just make sure it doesn't impinge on your own life and responsibilities.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So why doesn't the OP just refuse to help? Really 'no' is a complete sentence. If the OP doesn't do it, they'll find some other mug. It's only a dog ffs....

[Andro]

OP, I feel your frustration! I have twin brothers (12 years younger than me but still adults) who can't even make a cup of coffee because my mother panders to them so much.

Cogito - what advice would you be giving if/when this manchild gets married and his wife is on here venting over him expecting her do everything short of wipe his backside for him?

[RandomMess]

Would it be easier to take the dog to stay at yours (and not tell your brother/parents)?

[ElectricSheep]

Make sure you don't get sucked in to the enabling OP. Just because your mum is ready to be subservient to your DB doesn't mean you should follow her extremely unhealthy attitude and behaviour.

His poor gf, does she know what she's in for if she settles down with DB? Your mum is being very selfish and really setting up your DB to be miserable without her. But then at 30 your DB is a total prat for not seeing it for himself.

One giant step back for you OP, probably no giant leap for your DB!!

[CelticPixie]

Cogito- its not only a dog at all. What a stupid thing to say. They need love, care and attention.

Random- I would take him home with me but I'm not sure how my dog would react to him.

[mamaggie]

I'm not sure why you are going round to sort the dog out while your parents are away?

Your brother is an adult, and although indulged by his mother, is not physically unable to care for the dog.

Leave him to it. By offering your services as dog sitter/dog walker, you are enabling your brother to continue his lackadaisical role in life.

[Madamecastafiore]

You are facilitating him being a useless shit by sorting the dog out. Doing exactly what your mum goes that pisses you off.

Seriously let him look after his own bloody dog.

[CelticPixie]

Electric his girlfriend is still only a teenager. I don't think a woman of his own age would want to go out with such a man child. Indeed, as far as we are aware he never had a girlfriend before he met her.

[TheRealFellatio]

Look this is simple really. where the dog is concerned, just say no. Give your brother the number of a local dog sitter/dog walker and tell him you are too busy with your own life to worry about HIS responsibilities.

As for the other stuff, well let it go. Living with your parents until you are 30 comes with its upsides and its downsides. It's relatively cheap and the service is good - like a hotel at a fraction of the price. But it doesn't have to be like that - it is like that because your parents let it be like that. They enjoy it, it makes them feel needed and involved in his life, and the alternative is an empty nest. On the other hand he gets little independence, privacy or space. So it's a symbiotic relationship where both parties make sacrifices in order to benefit from the upside. I'm sure they would have done the same for you had you wanted it, but you didn't - which is fine. But if they are all happy with the status quo then leave them to it - it's really not your problem. Snigger behind your back all you like but why waste mental energy getting upset over it?

[rubyflipper]

They are all adults. You might not like how they live but there is nothing you can do. Leave them to it.

[ElectricSheep]

Oh dear, a teen gf of a 30 yr old? Not good AT ALL. So his gf is basically too young to see what your DB is? I wonder what her parents think?

Do you ever chat with the gf? I hope she's got a wise listening ear that can help her explore her perception of her manchild bf.

I understand the dog problem and you have probably got to suck it up this time. But don't do it again. Insist they use a kennel next time. Hard on them in the pocket but then your DPs have really contributed to creating the situation, not you.

[JakeBullet]

As an animal lover I would have the dog out of there and rehomed as fast as possible.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not 'stupid'. It is only a dog. If they're not caring for it between them adequately, call the RSPCA rather than putting yourself out and feeling resentful.

And as for this..... "Cogito - what advice would you be giving if/when this manchild gets married and his wife is on here venting over him expecting her do everything short of wipe his backside for him?"

I'd say she was a damn fool for marrying the lazy bastard in the first place.

[ElectricSheep]

Cogito

.... but the poor gf is a teeen and might be too young atm to see him for what he is. She might be in luuuuuurve

[mamaggie]

Assuming the girlfriend of the manchild is over the age of consent, that's not a problem, and maybe she will encourage him to grow up, and to live independently from his parents.

As for the dog, if the parents are finding it a chore, then rehome it, there are people around who would love to offer a caring and loving home. An advert on gumtree or freecycle costs nothing.

[CelticPixie]

The dog is very well looked after, spoiled actually, when my mum is there. Despite never wanting a dog they have gotten very attracted to him. My dad walks him twice a day. An hour in the morning and two hours in the the ending.

But they also like their holidays. They go away a lot, which is perfectly fine as they've worked hard all of their lives, but you can't do it as much when you have a dog.

I suggested putting him in the kennels while they are away because there are some very good ones around, but my mum got funny about it and managed to guilt trip me into caring for him. I think next time they go on holiday ill put my foot down and insist they do this instead.

Regarding the girlfriend, she seems very nice, but very young for her age as well. I suppose when you are that age having an older boyfriend seems cool and he also showers her with gifts. Ill be surprised if it lasts. I don't know what her parents think of it all as I've not met them yet.

[JustinBsMum]

My BIL stayed at home for yonks, was waited on hand and foot by DM, eventually marrying at 40, but then turned into the most capable, do-it-yourselfing, enthusiastic home maker you could find. Once it was his own house that he lived in he shaped up.

Your BIL will too probably, meanwhile it is galling to have a sibling who is the most perfect being on earth (and the laziest) but there's not much you can do about it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your mother seems to have unanswered emotional issues going back to her own childhood. It is not your fault they are this way; your parents have continued the ongoing dysfunction with your brother and your Dad here has also enabled his son and failed him as well as yourself.

I would not be seeing such people, you do not have to go around there and walk the dog. You are not under any obligation to your parents now although as a child now adult of such toxic parents, you likely have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in spades. I'd be calling the RSPCA on him if he is too lazy to care for or walk an animal that he supposedly wanted in the first place.

It would not surprise me either if your mother's own childhood got emotionally screwed up by some toxic parent of hers. This is how such dysfunction continues, it seeps down the generations and now you and your brother are affected by their actions (although your brother likely cannot or won't see that).

Pound to a penny as well your mother actually has no close female friends and probably prefers men to women. This is probably why she has favoured her son so.

I'd be leaving the three of them to it; its a disaster waiting to happen and you can do nothing to change any of it.

[luckypeach]

Am not surprised you needed to vent Celtic Pixie, I have the same problem altho my brother is 31. He owns his own place but never lives in it cos he gets everything done for him at my mums. He also has a dog (at my mums) and my mum is the one who walks it most but brother does walk it and care for it too.

Brother living there and getting everything done for him drives me nuts (pointless I know, I don't even live near them but whenever I go back I think my brother is massively taking the piss and mum lets him), I'm not jealous I just find it hard to believe we're the same family at times! She makes his bed, all laundry and food is provided for him whenever he likes, his lifestyle is being funded completely by mum and his father.

Sorry no advice OP other than to say nothing as if its anything like my lot you end up being the 'bad guy' for speaking up. I distanced myself from it all.

attilathemeerkat I actually nearly went into shock when I read your post you have hit the nail on the head completely for me esp bit about mum not having close female friends and preferring men to women (THIS IS EXACTLY IT!), dysfunctional family seeping generations etc, sorry don't mean to hi-jack thread here! my mum definitely favours her sons although she'd deny it!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

attilathemeerkat I actually nearly went into shock when I read your post you have hit the nail on the head completely for me esp bit about mum not having close female friends and preferring men to women (THIS IS EXACTLY IT!), dysfunctional family seeping generations etc, sorry don't mean to hi-jack thread here! my mum definitely favours her sons although she'd deny it!

Unfortunately I write from some experience here of dysfunctional rellies.

My MIL is the same re no close female friends, what I am saying well any friends actually male or female. I am very much an afterthought. Nowadays she likes being "in charge", runs around after her eldest personality disordered narcissist son (who is living at home rent free and does indeed live the life of Riley) and does prefer men to women (she completely idolised her emotionally unavailable preacher dad and often said, "I'm a good girl aren't I daddy).

[HazleNutt]

Celtic by looking after the dog you are enabling your brother's behaviour, just like your mum is.
Next time, tell your mum:

• It's brother's dog. He promised to take care of it.
  
• He LIVES in the same house.
  
• Therefore, the totally able bodied owner of the dog is at home. There is no need to put a dog in a kennel or for you to go over to take care of the dog.
  

What's your mum's excuse why the brother can't be expected to take care of his own dog?