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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

should his health issues stop me from leaving?

46 replies

ladypippins · 14/04/2013 00:50

I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 11 of those. In the last 2.5 years, since our son and was born, which also correlates to a huge amount of effort in remodelling/ updating our house, he has become physically and emotionally abusive; pushing me against walls, pulling punches, shouting when I've caused accidental damage, this also happens if he believes I am shouting in the porch ( I think I'm talking at normal levels). He has, on a couple of occasions thrown chocolate bars/ketchup at me if I've bought the wrong type of food. He constantly swears even though I have asked him, pretty much on a daily basis not to ( he doesn't swear in every sentence at work!). I can't remember the last time he said he loved me,and when I do something he doesn't like he mostly tells me I'm a stupid f##king retard/ bitch/ slag and at times a c##t. Unfortunately our son has witnessed some of this.

Last Saturday when I spoke during a recording of a video he was making of our son ( he was pretending to have his favourite biscuit to get him to walk back to the car and I said not to lie as we didn't have it with us)when he had asked me to be quiet he got out of the car and walked towards me pushing in the ignition key into my tummy saying he told me to be quiet. I managed to get away and he feigned concern ( there must have been people in the car park) and when he reached me he called me a slag. When back in the car he punched me in the arm a few times and pressed his fist up to my chin; this was while he was driving.

We stopped for fuel and my little boy asked ' what's the matter mummy' and 'did daddy hit you?'. After this I've pretty much made up my mind and to leave but I am feeling so guilty.

He acts as if nothing has happened. He never acknowledges or apologises for what he's done. I'm co concerned that he might start treating our son as badly as he will refer to him as a ' little shit/ bastard'.

However, he isn't well and has ongoing health problems which aren't yet fully diagnosed. If I go he will have have no one to help him through this as his immediate family are more screwed up than he is.

I'm not sure if I should stay to help him through his illness ( I don't know how long it will be) or if I should just abandon him - I wasn't planning on telling him I'm leaving because I'm not sure of the reaction.

Are there any views on how I should deal with this?

OP posts:

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Springforward · 14/04/2013 00:55

Personally I wouldn't hang around until he got a diagnosis. Life's too short to be treated that way, IMHO.

frownyface · 14/04/2013 01:21

Even being stressed/worried about his health is no excuse for abusing you.
I am physically disabled and I would never abuse my husband in this manner.
Get youself and your dc out of this situation.
Good luck.

frownyface · 14/04/2013 01:22

and you aren't abandoning him so dont think that you are putting your son and yourself out of harms way, you must prioritise yourselves.

HansieMom · 14/04/2013 01:23

Just go. Phooey on him.

deleted203 · 14/04/2013 01:26

I wouldn't give a shit for his health problems, I'm afraid. I would be too concerned about his violence and abuse. I would leave immediately and take my son out of harm's way. This man's behaviour is appalling.

frownyface · 14/04/2013 01:31

Hes not a nice man you and your dc deserve better

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2013 01:31

Get out. Does he give a shit about your problems? Is he acting in a loving way towards you? No, he's actively hurting you. You don't owe him your support.

Have you got somewhere safe to go?

VestaCurry · 14/04/2013 01:32

It sounds terrifying for you and your child . Please take your son and remove yourselves from the situation. Your priority must be your child and you need to get him and yourself to safety. Good luck.

TranceDaemon · 14/04/2013 01:38

You owe him nothing. Please contact Women's Aid and get you and your son out of there. He is abusing you and it will damage your son to see what he does. You don't have to be treated like this, there are ways out. Get support, let people know what is going on.

Please don't feel an ounce of guilt, he doesn't deserve your compassion. You have to put you and your DS first now.

Schnarkle · 14/04/2013 01:39

I'd be out the door. You and your son come first. He is an adult and can look after his own health problems. Unless you want to become tied to him and possibly become a punch bag nurse?

AgnesBligg · 14/04/2013 01:41

Ladypippins This is horrible.

You must get away from this abusive creature. I would not give a fuck about his health quite honestly. Your own well being and your DC must come first.

Sunnywithshowers · 14/04/2013 01:41

Absolutely not. You owe it to yourself and your DS to get out.

No matter how ill he is, you deserve better than to be his punchbag.

Zazzles007 · 14/04/2013 01:43

I would leave. His abuse of you and his health issue at two separate things, and his health issue does not cancel out the fact that he is abusing you.

Do not let this man be a role model to your son for how men treat their wives either.

Monty27 · 14/04/2013 02:01

Leave the bastard

Aussiebean · 14/04/2013 02:15

I think you need to understand why you are feeling guilty.

He is verbally abusive
He is physically abusive
He is damaging your child
That damage could get worse

If a friend said this to you, you would have no problems advising her to leave.

So ask yourself. What do you have have to be guilty for?
Respect is earned not automatically given and he has not earned your respect. But your child has.

garlicyoni · 14/04/2013 02:20

Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a paid carer would leave a job where she was expected to sit in a car with a violently abusive client. I am certain that anyone would remove a child from this person's vicinity. Of course you should not take on a carer's role, which even a professional carer would reject as too dangerous, or subject your child to such frightening incidents.

I'm worried by what you say about his unpredictable reactions to your leaving. Have you got somewhere lined up to go, and how are you fixed for money? I'd suggest calling Women's Aid for advice, and taking the preparatory steps mentioned in olgaga's blog.

Keep posting. Good luck.

confusedmuch · 14/04/2013 02:23

RUN, you're putting your child at risk by staying and you probably won't realise how dangerous and volatile a situation you are in until you are a long time out of it, get out whilst you still can, important documents and valuables in a bag and go to family, you can come back for other stuff with big strong back up later.

TheRealFellatio · 14/04/2013 03:40

Just leave immediately. There is no point in dragging this out and he will end up beating you up badly in the end. And even if he doesn't - do you want to spend many more years of your life in constant fear and anxiety, waiting for him to flip? His illness is utterly irrelevant.

Bogeyface · 14/04/2013 03:50

He doesnt care about his wife or son, so why the buggery fuck should you care about him?

Guilt is the weapon he will try to use against you, so dont let him.

TheRealFellatio · 14/04/2013 06:16

Am a bit concerned that this is a relatively recent thing though. Not that anything would excuse this kind of behaviour, but it is odd that after 20 years together this has only been going on for couple of years. Is he under a great deal of stress for any reason?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 14/04/2013 06:27

My view is leave. As fast as you can

Even aside from the fact that you owe him nothing and he clearly has no respect and/or love for you, you're responsibility to your little boy far outweighs any responsibility you feel to him

Also I am severely disabled, I am in pain all the time amd my DH does everything for me. But there is no way I would expect him to stay with me through misguided loyalty and guilt, because I genuinely love him and want him to be happy. Do you think that's how your H is going to react? Because if I were you I would be prepared for tears tantrums and guilt trips from him, and none of them will mean anything except that he wants to keep you right where he has you

You and your son deserve much much better

Buzzardbird · 14/04/2013 06:50

If you love your son leave. Sounds harsh but I constantly see on here women in your situation that start excusing the behaviour and its the dcs that have their whole lives damaged. You are the parent, protect your son.

Buzzardbird · 14/04/2013 06:52

And call women's aid...today!
good luck

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 14/04/2013 06:54

Get out. Do not let your son grow up in this environment. Your husband is an adult, he chooses to treat you this way and he chooses to use the guilt of his illness to make you stay but you deserve better. Your son deserves better.

ihearsounds · 14/04/2013 07:01

It doesn't matter what his reasons are. Or that it has recently started.

The point is, he should not be doing this.

Real men do not hit women.
Real men do not call woman names.
Real men should worship the ground you walk on.
Real men do not call children names.

Leave him.

There are no health issues that I can think of, that makes a man be abusive. His 'health issues' are of no concern of yours.

If 'health issues' are that he no longer likes sharing you with another person because he is self centred.

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