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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Jealous of husband's Ex

29 replies

JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:03

ht dnauw iWas hoping to get some advice and suggestions for coping with, or overcoming an ongoing issue. Been putting off posting for s while as I have my good and bad days but things are getting worse mentally for me.

DH and I have been married three years, have two DS's and I have two more from previous marriage.i've never been a jealous person and I'm blessed to recognise I have good qualities myself. However since DH and I get together ive always been insanely jealous of his Ex who he doesn't really see or speak with. We're of different cultures and his ex was a superb housewife, cook etc, whereas I'm more academically minded. That aside, I'm forever being self critical and feel like I'm going mad, as at times literally everything I do I'm comparing myself to her, e.g. 'well shed havedone it better' and the like. My DH is wonderful and patient with me, but did admit he loved her more than he loves me, but that he doesn't love her now. They had a largely happy marriage for twenty years, married at sixteen and shared all their 'first' experiences together. DH says he is hundred percent confident that he will grow to love me even more than he did her in time. I admire his honesty and he really is lovely with me and never compares us openly ever. I can understand the reality of what he says too, that love takes time to deepen - so why does it hurt so much!

The main problem is that my jealousy could ruin our marriage, as I am so resentful I become v difficult and argumentative. I subject him to hours of interrogation about 'why di d he love her more'

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JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:11

Sorry posted too soon - blame the phone. Anyway, I interrogate him and he asks me to stop and I can't. I am loathe to do anything nice for him or become emotionally close because I tell myself i ''ll always be number two ... Even though he reassures me I'm the only woman in his life. it therefore becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, in that I push him away and generally feel v bitter towards him, over something in the past which neither of us can erase. Who would deeply love somebody when they act in a resentful closed off manner like me. It's all so complicated. Has anyone else experienced this and do u think counselling might help me? Thanks so much in advance.

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EternalRose · 12/04/2013 23:15

To be honest I think your husband is the reason why you feel this way.

What kind of man tells his wife that he loved his ex more than you?

'He will grow to love me even more than he did her'

Oh ok, so you will wait until that day then?????

"Love takes time to deepen?"

You have been married for 3 years???

What do you see in him?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 12/04/2013 23:21

Yeah, I have to say I thought the exact same as Eternal.

Your husband has created this jealousy, and is now blaming you for it. He's created a feeling of being second best, and an environment where you have to compete with an old partner in order to ensure he eventually loves you more.

You may say you appreciate his honesty, and that he begs you not to interrogate him, but I think he's played you. He's made you think that this is completely normal. It is not.

You have been married for three years and have two children together, and yet he has left you under no illusion that he settled for you, and that you are second best. I'm not sure that counselling can save that, but it would help you gain an understanding of how wrong his behaviour is, and it'd probably help you to leave him if that was what you decide to do. In terms of saving the relationship, you are in a tough place. I'm not sure he can redeem what he's done, and you are the one that suffers for it.

Tortington · 12/04/2013 23:23

you've got issues
and your dh is a huge dick for saying those things

you need re-programming to 'if he doesn't like it ..he can kiss my second best arse the twat'

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/04/2013 23:23

Oh, that's nice. Someday I'll love you like I loved her. Maybe.

He's an arse.

ecclesvet · 12/04/2013 23:24

It was pretty tactless to actually say that he loved her more than he does you, but I can understand how that mixture of hormones and lust and 'first times' and youth could create a more intense feeling that is very hard to replicate as you get older.

Definitely try counselling, because the constant comparisons and interrogations will end your relationship.

Spellcheck · 12/04/2013 23:24

He's the problem, not you! Why the hell did he say that to you? How does he honestly expect you to feel after THAT?!

I am furious for you. What a wanky thing to say. And to hear you blaming yourself for falling short...words fail me!

I am sorry but your husband is a tosspot.

He is the one who is not up to scratch, and I'm afraid he is neither 'wonderful' nor 'lovely'. You, however, sound like a good person who deserves better.

NishiNoUsagi · 12/04/2013 23:25

Can only agree with the posters above, that is an awful thing to have to hear. If my DH told me he had loved his ex more than he loved me I would kindly deliver a suitcase of his belongings to her house. That is a total headfuck!

I really don't know what to suggest, as once heard, it can't really be unheard Please don't feel crazy for feeling jealous though, I think most people would in your situation.

NishiNoUsagi · 12/04/2013 23:27

JuJu How does he react when you talk about your exes, especially if you talk about nice memories/happy times you had with them?

FlatsInDagenham · 12/04/2013 23:28

Gosh. He says he loved her more than he loves you? Yest you're married with 2 DC together?

He's being very cruel to you. No wonder you are so unhappy. You deserve to feel like the best thing that ever happened to him. Because that's what you are.

JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:33

Hmmm, he does need to take some blame for that comment! I didn't want to drip feed but typing on phone rather than pc making it hard to give detail. We are from a faith where we do not engage in dating before marriage, which whilst isn't everyones cup of tea, it is what I believe to be right for me. So the getting to know each other happens after marriage ...

In fairness he would never have said he loved her more than I had I not verbally backed him into a corner.. But I'm not sure what is worse, hearing that, or if he would have lied.

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givemeaclue · 12/04/2013 23:34

He sounds like he enjoys the drama and attention and fuels your jealousy with these awful comments to feed his ego.

coppertop · 12/04/2013 23:35

Was it by any chance your dh who told you that his ex was a "superb housewife, cook etc"?

It sounds as though he's deliberately set this up so that you feel you're in competition with her. If she was so perfect and he's so wonderful, why did they split up?

JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:38

Wow u are helping me see he does have more of a part to play in my feelings than I initially thought, it's good to hear. Thanks. I'm too soft at times, I feel like a total victim now! But in all seriousness should he have lied to save my feelings? I can't erase his past...

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ClippedPhoenix · 12/04/2013 23:38

Incidentally, if he professed to loving her more why did they break up then?

ecclesvet · 12/04/2013 23:40

How often does/did he make these comments?

SlumberingDormouse · 12/04/2013 23:42

You are more academic. That's a good thing. My DP's ex was very stupid (failed her GCSEs and then left school) and he says that he really appreciates my intelligence and being able to talk to me on his level (we were at uni together). Don't underestimate that! Regardless of their history, he has chosen to be with you now.

JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:43

I do think he sees their marriage through rose tinted glasses. Ive been told by others she was Mrs perfect in the home, but calculating and manipulative, wrapped him round her little finger and financially exploited him hence him leaving her. He honestly never mentions her, it's only when I grill him or his sister's that I find things out. God it's like I purposely want to hurt myself, definitely I have issues, just how to resolve them..

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ExitPursuedByABear · 12/04/2013 23:46

So he loved her so much that he left her?

coppertop · 12/04/2013 23:47

Interesting that the ex was described as "calculating and manipulative" when those are the words I'd use to describe your dh's comparisons between you and her.

WizardofOs · 12/04/2013 23:47

Cultures who do not date before marriage are not that known for divorcing so something pretty dramatic must have upset their marriage no?

JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:53

Yes all family politics related but yes she did some pretty awful things ive been told, by his extended family, caused whole family feud situation. It's ME making the comparisons though, not him.

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JuJuMoo · 12/04/2013 23:58

He says he just wants to move on and get on with his life - asks me why do I keep dragging it all back up! That said he was critical of my housekeeping at first so I feel that unspoken comparisons were made, more the unsaid rather than the overt

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ClippedPhoenix · 13/04/2013 19:41

Critcal of "your" housekeeping indeed! We are in the 21st century here aren't we. So he said that "she" tidied up better than you, "she" looked after him better than you.......

freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 19:43

He's an arse. And in 20 years he'll still not love you more than he loved her and he'll still be an arse and you'll be twenty years older and more bitter.

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