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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

People's attitudes when you're single again?

27 replies

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 00:20

Just wondered if people change towards you after a divorce when you're gaining loads of confidence, feeling sexier and happier and laughing again with a lot more time to yourself due to sharing custody of dc with ExH. Did anybody lose any married friends over this and made new single friends?

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MrsTomHardy · 02/04/2013 00:35

Basically yes and yes

I found once I became single all of a sudden my friends husbands didn't want their wives going out drinking in town with me.......bit insulted really considering I was the quiet non confident one and most of the wives were the ones sleeping around anyway!!

Machli · 02/04/2013 00:43

I find people talk down to me a bit even friends and family and LOADS of acquaintances rather than real friends talk to me in a "poor you" voice with a "poor you" look on their face. Do you know what I mean by that? I do think some people feel superior in a couple. They don't realise that I actually feel sorry for them! I love being single.

To be honest it makes me want to keep my distance from people so I do. I can't be arsed with it.

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 00:45

I've got stuck in a rut in the last year and now divorce is on the horizon, going to the gym, losing weight and changing my image. Obviously not as young as I was last time I was a single lady but looking forward in being me again and getting a new wardrobe in the process and changing my flatties for heels. Even though I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm doing it all for me and feeling bloody good about it too . Do people actually get jealous . I never chose to be single but damned if I was going to stay in an unhappy marriage to a miserable git!

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Milly22 · 02/04/2013 00:49

I'm actually excited to have my own place and the possible things I could get up to when dc with ExH . Haven't felt like this since I was in my twenties lol. Is it possible to be sexy at 40?

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Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 02/04/2013 00:50

Oh you soon find out who your real friends are. Thankfully I did have some good single friends.

One smug married in particular would really try to rub it in how wonderful their life was

Good for you and best wishes for your new future

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 02/04/2013 00:51

I'm almost 45 and very sexy I'll have you know!!

I was in my late 30s when I left exdh. Have lovely dp now been with him almost 5 years.

BeforeAndAfter · 02/04/2013 01:03

You can feel very sexy and desirable at 47 so at 40 you have nothing to worry about!

I reinvented myself post separation nearly two years ago (well, more like rediscovered the old me who had been decidedly squashed). I'm told I look 10 years younger, I dress in a more youthful and sexy way (hopefully not the mutton/lamb vibe) and I feel great plus I'm fitter with a better figure than at any point in my 30s. It's also surprisingly easy to find the time to do things you love doing when you don't have an H magically soaking up time.

As for other people's attitudes, my parents and siblings worry about me being lonely and don't seem to believe me when I say I'm not sitting at home crying and that bugs me. Most of my friends today are new and single. The married bunch can never join me for lunch on Saturday in town etc so I've found people like me.

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 01:05

I suppose we know what we want and definitely don't want at our age, and if we don't there's not much hope Not willing to settle for second best this time round.

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Milly22 · 02/04/2013 01:08

Thank you ladies, a couple of months ago I was so scared when I decided to divorce my H and all your comments puts a on my face.

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duffybeatmetoit · 02/04/2013 01:14

What Machli said. It is very wearing though when you are pitied by others or seen as a threat. I don't want my (stbx)h let alone anyone else's!

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 01:19

I actually feel sorry for the women who haven't got the guts to leave their Hs and put up with crap for the rest of their lives. They're probably jealous that there are women (us) who have the courage to do something about it. At the end of the day we only get one go of it.

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happybubblebrain · 02/04/2013 01:22

I've been single for years. Nobody I know pities me because they know I much prefer being single. I don't think they see me as a threat either because I'm not after a man, let alone someone else's man. I'm very happy that I grew out of the "I need a man" phase in my life.

StupidFlanders · 02/04/2013 01:27

I feel the same way as milly22. To answer your question: yes.

Rindercella · 02/04/2013 01:33

I'm widowed rather than divorced, but definitely people do treat me slightly differently now. men flirt with me more, (some) married friends make sure I'm excluded from many social events. In a way though it's very liberating: you know who your friends are and who to keep at arms length (or further) .

MarlboroughMillie · 02/04/2013 11:19

I also split from my ExH when I was 40. Horrible at the time, but like you, soon found my feet and my confidence. It does sort out the wheat from the chaff, friends wise, and some will view you differently, but I now know my real mates are true diamonds.

I had a couple of ill-advised relationships, but also dated and had lots of fun along the way. Nine years later, I have now met my lovely DP, and I am just about ready to contemplate settling down again. Won't be giving up my independence again though!

Good luck with it all - there's plenty of life after 40 [busmile]

Zilvernblue · 02/04/2013 11:26

I've had kind of a strange experience. I moved to a new city after divorce, and I look very young for my age, but I find when people find out my true age, I'm treated with either suspicion or sadness. Nearly everyone I've met here is in a long term relationship, I've had 2 guys ask me out that I thought were single who turned out to have long term girlfriends, but I have made some great, lively female friends. Its such a traditional place though, that I get the feeling people think a woman alone is "easy" or "up for it" and constantly on the lookout, and its made me really watch not to be too friendly to men in case I give the wrong impression.

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 14:59

How funny from what you've told me in your comments ladies. Took ds to a club this morning as was greeted with 'So sorry to hear about you and xxxx breaking up...blah blah', she's a lovely woman but don't people get it? As this was my decision to divorce there's nothing to feel pity for. People are so set in their presumptions towards women and divorce. I suppose I can look forward to a couple of conversations like this next week when the dc go back to school.

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JaceyBee · 02/04/2013 15:22

I don't find my friends treat me differently exactly, but as I had kids/settled down/ got married in my 20s when no-one else was I wasn't in the same place as them, and now we're in our 30s I'm separated and have more time they're all popping out bloody babies! Luckily I have lots of good guy friends who are usually more up for spending the day in the pub with me.

I can't imagine any of my girlfriends seeing me as a threat to their marriage, and I would be highly insulted if they thought that of me, I would never hurt a close friend in that way. Says more about them and their insecurities (or shitty marriages!) if they can't trust their husbands around their own mates!

MrsTomHardy · 02/04/2013 16:34

I definitely find that people see me as a threat....which I also find slightly insulting but also amusing in a weird way.

SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 17:02

Yes when I cheerfully announce I'm single I occasionally get the 'oh I'm sorry'. I always say 'no need to be!'. I leave it there, but I do think to myself, rein in your pity there love... hmm. I wouldn't say to somebody 'oh I'm sorry' if they told me something in a neutral (even cheerful) voice.

when I first left my x, I was up in the air and upset about a lot of things, half of them financial to be honest. Back then, people would have been picking up on my upset, but now, it baffles me, when I tell people I left the children's dad over five years ago and they reply with 'oh I'm sorry'.

SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 17:04

In fact, next time somebody says "oh I'm sorry", I'm going to say "well, I'm relieved"

It doesn't happen to me often now because I announce it SO matter of factly.

Ratata · 02/04/2013 17:34

When I broke up with my long term boyfriend, I had a friend who was getting married soon. She was very smug to me and rubbed it in about how much she was gaining and how much I was losing. I got on with my life and now married to wonderful DH and she is now divorced and bitter towards me. I've always been supportive in all her situations and happy for her when she is happy. She is unable to do the same though. Currently trying to phase her out as she isn't very nice...

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comingintomyown · 02/04/2013 17:49

No I have never really had that sort of thing and most of my friends are really supportive offering up their DHs for DIY and the like.

A few are quite envious now I have come through all the pain etc of divorce and am happy whilst they are still in their problematic marriages stagnating.

I think I was helped by the fact I had a very independent social life while married

SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 18:04

Ratata, yeh, phase her out!!

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 19:42

@ SanctiMOMious I really like the "well, I'm relieved" reply , that'll set me up when the dc go back to school as the word got out over Easter about our divorce. In the summer I intend to have a party in the new house not to celebrate my divorce, but my freedom. loads of !

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