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Mum not coming to my wedding

(87 Posts)
Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 15:54:55

I'm getting married in four days time. My mother has just phoned to tell me it is too cold and therefore she won't be coming!

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, not a pleasant illness but she does have medication to keep it under control. She said she needs to think of herself, and the cold can make her symptoms worse, so she won't be coming.

We have an awkward relationship,, certainly on my side, and she has been pretty lacking at times as a parent. She had mental health issues as I was growing up and they're not all resolved now. I was almost expecting this, but still feel upset. It's only a small registry office wedding, but she's the only family I have!

Not even sure why I'm posting, just looking for some understanding I think.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:45:44

Yes you are all right, in the run up to this I've had several 'but what about me' style conversations.

At one point she asked me what I was wearing as she needed to look the best on the day!

Am feeling a bit better now, thank you all for being so kind.

MortifiedAdams Mon 01-Apr-13 16:53:26

What I would want to say "How dare you ring me a week before my wedding with a frankly shit excuse as to why you dont want to see me get married"

BUT assuming ^^this is what she wants, what Id actually say is "hmm...well, im.sure it will be warm.enough indoors but if you dont want to be there, fine. You know where we are if you change your mind"

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:56:10

Yes yes mortified it was exactly what I wanted to say!

Always biting my bloody tongue, there are times when I would LOVE to just say what I'm actually thinking to her! But then I think my Dad would be all disappointed (bearing in mind he passed away nearly twenty years ago!)

Greydog Mon 01-Apr-13 16:58:10

Just have a lovely day, Spotty, and ignore this mean spirited drama queen. My mother dominated my life for years, and I regret it so much. Don't let yourself be railroaded by her, and just enjoy your day. (the key to this is your day!!)

WafflyVersatile Mon 01-Apr-13 18:14:33

That must be upsetting, but agree on basis of other info that if she does end up coming she might end up bringing unneeded drama. You can have a lovely day without her.

I reckon the best you can say is 'naturally I'm disappointed because of course I want you there, but more importantly I don't want you to make yourself ill or be in pain, so I think you're right not to come. Make sure you keep warm. I'll text you a couple of photos of the happy day smile xx'.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:28:45

I bet she will manage to make a recovery and turn up on the day itself. Be prepared for that.

Oh, and enjoy your day!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:55:23

Don't allow her to wind you up. No reaction, no reply, no engagement.

Don't take any calls from her between now and the wedding. if she wants to look at total bitch by not going, that is her issue.

When anyone asks, TELL the truth. Say that she rang you a week ago to tell you it was too cold and that she wasn't coming.

Let others see what kind of a person she is. This is your new life. Grab it with both hands!

Your dad would give anything he had to see you on your wedding day. I dare say he'd have torn her a new one himself if still alive.

Any decent parent would!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:56:26

Oh and if she does turn up, i'd say loudly, Oh you DID decide to come in the end, I thought you said you were not bothering....

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:37:01

Ok now I have another issue.

She organised the cake for the wedding: I didn't ask, she wanted to do it, although I think I upset her by asking for no miniature figures of bride and groom on it.

Now the only way we can get the cake is to go and get it. It won't be ready until the day before the wedding. It's being made by someone who lives near her and she lives a two hour drive away.
OH is working all day Thursday, I will have the children. Do I actually drive two hours on the day before my wedding, well, four hours there and back, with my children, to get the cake?

I really really don't want to but...... Do I need to man up here?

Hopasholic Mon 01-Apr-13 20:48:26

What was the original arrangement re the delivery of the cake. Was your mum bringing it? If that's the case I'd tell her I'd organised a courier company to collect and deliver it to the venue as you clearly don't have time for a 4 hour round trip.

Your DDad would probably be more disappointed in your mums behaviour than yours.

munchkinmaster Mon 01-Apr-13 20:53:16

I think you may have a nicer day without her. Ask a friend to pick up cake. People will step up for a wedding (even if they are not invited as its a tiny wedding).

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 20:55:14

Good idea about courier. I was going to suggest M&S do very nice iced cakes.

Seriously - you need a 4 hour trip the day before the wedding like a hole in the head. Can you liaise directly with the person who is making it?

Do you even need a wedding cake?

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:56:15

hopasholic yes the arrangement was she was bringing it with her. The courier is a good idea, apart from anything I'm not overly keen on seeing her right now.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:57:15

Do you know, I don't really need a cake, I wasn't even going to bother until she organised it.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Mon 01-Apr-13 21:01:23

If you don't want the cake, then it sounds as though she has kinda imposed this on you. Why feel responsible for sorting out something she decided you should have? If the cake doesn't get to you then that's her problem ...
Have a lovely wedding day!

LemonBreeland Mon 01-Apr-13 21:03:19

Don't bother with the cake. Don't engage with her and enjoy your day. She sounds like she is the kind of person who will find a way to spoil the day if she is there anyway.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 21:03:50

No you don't need a cake really. And like BerylStreep says you can get nice ones in supermarkets or a last minute one from a local baker. I'd do you one if I lived nearby though it wouldn't be professional, probably covered in M&Ms or something grin

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 21:06:53

I suggest you lay it on with a trowel with your dm - profuse regrets that she won't be there, how much you were looking forward to having her by your side playing a central role in the proceedings, how much stbdh and the dc were looking forward to seeing her, blah de blah but, of course her health must come first and, as venturing out into this cold weather will be far to risky for her, you'll content yourself with raising a toast to her at your wedding breakfast/reception and know that she's with you in spirit gush gush - it may be boak making but, as such languge is music to the ears of a narc, flattery should serve to stop her making you feel worse than you do at her not being arsed to put in an appearance on your big day.

And then politely explain that, as you have a ton of preparation to do on the eve of your wedding, you've arranged a courier to collect the cake and ask her what time it will be ready/at her home or, better still, talk to whoever is making the cake and organise it's collection/delivery.

Btw, if let slip the time and the venue I have no doubt any mumsnetters who'll be nearby will shower you with confetti as you leave the registry office with your new dh smile

You're going to have a truly WONDERFUL day, honey - don't forget to throw your thanks in the direction of this board grin

WishIdbeenatigermum Mon 01-Apr-13 21:07:07

shock you poor love- she really is manipulative! Don't go and get it, as you say you can do without it.
Being charitable, having not got the reaction from you she might have expected, the cake might be an excuse for her to come.

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 21:08:50

Of course your guests don't need cake - let them eat bread grin

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 21:12:14

Just read this and yes to " ok, well its your decision" and being frank if people wonder where she is. My sister did this and I just said " oh, she needed more than a year notice, she likes to go to Spain in August"

Don't worry about the cake. If she mentions it, just say well I can't have that one now, oh you paid for it? Well eat it! Ill give you the money if you want"

And order one or make one with the dc insteadsmile

Enjoy your day and send her the nicest photos. Though be kind too, but not bendy and begging. Just in case. ( useless really, sorry)

RandomMess Mon 01-Apr-13 21:13:14

Just get a cake from M&S or Tesco, job done.

specialknickers Mon 01-Apr-13 21:15:11

In my experience, guests very rarely eat the cake anyway so I personally wouldn't worry about it! Enjoy your day and don't let anyone else spoil it for you flowers

Bobyan Mon 01-Apr-13 21:17:22

Listen to the wise MN'ers M&S cakes are the way to go!
Plus if she suddenly puts in an appearance and brings a cake, you can pick which one you like best...
Do not let her spoil your day.

jackstini Mon 01-Apr-13 21:23:43

It's sad, but it's her loss.
You will have a wonderful day anyway.

If you have had no direct involvement with the cake so far; just leave her to deal with it!

Definitely think you should let slip where you are getting married - then send your mum a pic of the random mumsnetters that turn up to celebrate grin

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