Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh just told me I'm too fat to sleep with..

(115 Posts)
Leaverightnow Sat 12-Jan-13 23:55:18

A newbie, please b gentle! Hi all, really need advice. Background is: been with dh for 11 years, married for one. He's always been quite shallow when it comes to appearance and we spilt once years ago because he thought I'd put on too much weight-I ended it after him telling me this.

Anyway, we have a one year old ds and our sex life has been virtually non existent since. Nothing while pregnant. Done it about three times since he was born.

I take a great pride in my appearance. Wear make up, am a size 12 now after being a 14 after the baby and enjoy the intimacy and physical side of things, probably more than him tbh.

Our relationship has always been stormy but for me this is partly due to the lack of sex and physical closeness that has set in (I have tried!!) since my pregnancy.

I said tonight that unless the physical side improves I can't carry on living as 'room-mates''. He said its because I no longer care what I look le and am fat and am 'playing at going gym' This is rubbish! I try harder than ever since having my ds. I'm devastated-his shallow attitude spilt us up last time. I can't carry on.

Sorry so long. All opinions welcome, good or bad.

Leaverightnow Sun 13-Jan-13 00:19:15

Avocado - I did ask him this a while back and he thought I'd lost my mind. I don't think it is coz he doesn't go anywhere but work. He made a thing about my weight years ago so think he's telling me the truth. I've only ever been a 10 at my smallest and a fourteen at heaviest. Hate him for making me feel like this

akaemmafrost Sun 13-Jan-13 00:22:17

I'd say "you know I am quite glad you've actually said that because I cannot possibly care about someone with those kind of opinions, I can't even like you anymore actually, so let's leave it there shall we?". Then I would not remotely engage with him until he was begging for forgiveness and even then I couldn't like him very much I don't think.

What an arsehole angry.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 00:23:31

Leave, what a twat, i bet your a yummy mummy, i bet hes no brad pitt.

Keep on getting fit, build up that confidence, and tell him to F off, he should grateful to have you.

LesBOFerables Sun 13-Jan-13 00:24:26

Fuck him right off. He will actually sabotage your efforts to lose weight anyway (if that's what you want), because you'll feel like you are running on a hamster wheel for his approval rather than doing it for you, and you'll resent every minute of it.

You don't need this shit.

It's not a great atmosphere to bring your son up in, tbh: women have to almost literally jump through hoops to be loved. No to that.

happyAvocado Sun 13-Jan-13 00:25:53

I agree there's no respect shown by him, however all depends what you want to do next.

NorthernLurker Sun 13-Jan-13 00:31:45

Ok well you're not fat and even if you were that doesn't permit him to disengage from your marriage as he is doing. I woul be clear with him that he is behaving unreasonably and see if you can talk about your relationship. If he won't confront his own failings and role in this and only tries to blame you then I think if you have to consider if you can have a future together.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 13-Jan-13 00:37:41

he's got issues. is he suffering erectile dysfunction? is he gay? is he having an affair?
i think, as you've made it clear you can't carry on, you should plan and leave. take evidence of his income and assets, you'll need support for you and the baby.

Dryjuice25 Sun 13-Jan-13 00:38:39

He is a Grade A pillock! Shout it from the rooftops.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sun 13-Jan-13 00:46:11

Oh you poor thing. sad

I am going through something similar, although I am actually fat!

I would say you actually need to get out before you are ground down, & tied down with any more DC.

MrsPoglesWood Sun 13-Jan-13 00:49:53

Dear God OP? Being size 12 is too fat? What planet is he on?

I'm evil though. I'd tell him I didn't want to sleep with him cos his cock was far too small and his technique was shite. And I'd kick his arse out!

sparklingsky Sun 13-Jan-13 00:56:18

Is it possible that this is a cover up for something? You are obviously not fat - but he WAS trying to hurt you. Could it have been a diversion away from something hurting him? (Hurt pride, fear that he can't perform/be as sexual as you?) This doesn't excuse his behaviour at all...but I did wonder whether he doesn't have the sex drive you do - and is acting like an arse to hide this.

Solo Sun 13-Jan-13 01:00:00

He is undermining your confidence, trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
My exh did the same to me as a size 8-10 and I believed him.
Get rid of him and be happy.

HansieMom Sun 13-Jan-13 01:04:53

Is he much older than you?

tallwivglasses Sun 13-Jan-13 01:15:54

Dump the fucker.

NotMostPeople Sun 13-Jan-13 01:21:18

When you got back together last time was there a conversation about his attitude to your weight?

DoodlesNoodles Sun 13-Jan-13 01:32:16

It is confused that posters are commenting on the fact you are not fat. Isn't it irrelevant? It would be just as bad for your DH to behave so meanly regardless of how heavy you are. TBH I agree with other posters saying that the wieght issue is pr

It is a very unpleasant thing of him to say. Do you think it is the only issue affecting your relationship? Do you just think he is saying it as a way to avoid sleeping with you or to simply hurt your feelings.

Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 01:52:22

My DH likes women who are a size 8, I was about that when we met. Four children later I'm quite close to a 16 and yet he still fancies the arse off me and would never call me fat.
Time to move on, you aren't the issue here he is.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 13-Jan-13 01:59:26

Why the fuck did you marry and have a child with someone who you knew was so shallow and twatish?

If that really is the way he feels then I would ask him to move out.

MaggieMay05 Sun 13-Jan-13 02:26:06

He is abusive and jealous and just throwing his toys out of his pram so to speak. Quite often men get jealous of the time we have to spend with our DC and then will do/say anything to hurt us and get our attention. I have been with an abusive man for the last 13 years which started off mildly with this sort of thing but since having my first DC 3 years ago its just escalated and is now ranging of all levels of abuse. I'm half way through mine and DCs escape plan and hope to be safe and free from him within next few months. Please leave or make plans to before you get to the stage I'm at, especially financially, stash as much secret cash away for you and baba as you can. Take care and good luck.

jjgirl Sun 13-Jan-13 06:17:35

Is he a big porn user? Does he expect you to dress and act like a porn star when you have sex as well?

mathanxiety Sun 13-Jan-13 06:25:18

How would you feel if he was able to get over himself and condescend to have sex with you?


Once a man has thrown such an insult at you could you ever really throw yourself back fully into his arms even if they were stretched out for you, without wondering what he was going to say, or what he was really thinking?

It's abusive and it doesn't matter what size you are. If he can't understand that it hurts you and makes you unhappy to hear this sort of mean spirited criticism and suffer the coldness then you need to ask yourself if this is really the man you are going to grow old with.

ravenAK Sun 13-Jan-13 06:30:14

Strewth, definitely LTB.

What a complete arse.

AlienReflux Sun 13-Jan-13 06:51:06

Yes to the fact it's actually irrelevant how big you are,or not as the case may be.

It does seem to me he's trying to undermine your confidence,to put you off sex?? I'm sure there's more to it.

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion. If he's not open and honest,or if indeed that is His real problem, you can't live like that, or teach your son this is the relationship to aim for.

Best of luck,tackle this now, keep posting and we will support you.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 13-Jan-13 06:59:11

Right the first thing is to stop allowing him to make you feel like this, you know and I know you are not far. This could actually be because he knows you are looking better since going to the gym and he is worried you are going to leave him, or he could just be a twat.

Either way he can say what he likes it do not give him the power to make you feel bad.

Once you have done that take a deep breath and make a decision, does he go or do you give him a chance to fix things.

izzyizin Sun 13-Jan-13 08:06:57

Please, honey, dump the fucker before he erodes every last vestige of your self-esteem and self-worth.

As for his pathetic excuses for his lack of libido - pah! He's either a closet gay or he's got a bit on the side.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now