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Why are exes so difficult

(28 Posts)
zaz123456 Sat 05-Jan-13 16:45:10

My daughter is attending a private school which I have had to pay for, my ex will not contribute a penny, he earns more money than me. Ex also has child benefit for one of my children, therefore if I seek maintenance he can seek maintenance from me for the other child,he doesnt pay a penny in maintenance to me as he has the children three nights per week its madness how the system works.

Can anyone please advise as Im at my wits end with it all!!

Lueji Sat 05-Jan-13 16:57:42

Answer: because if they were easy they would not be exes. grin

It's quite difficult.
Being in a private school is a choice. Who decided about this?

And if you effectively or nearly have 50-50 there should not be much maintenance to pay.
If there is a huge discrepancy between what each parent spends on the children, then you may need to go to court to sort out financial responsibilities.
However, I don't see that any ruling would go much beyond the basics, such as clothes and school expenses.
Private education and after school activities may have to be paid by te parent who wants them.

Have you sought legal advice?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 17:03:38

The reasons why are as many and varied as the people themselves. Rather than tormenting yourself trying to work out the reason or flogging yourself to death trying to make someone do the right thing, hand the whole lot over to a lawyer and let them deal with it.

zaz123456 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:17:13

Thank you for responding.

Private school for my daughter was a no brainer. At her primary school she was put on the gifted and talented register. She sat entrance exam for a state grammar school but due to the situation at home she did not do as well as expected and did not gain a place at the school. I then paid for private tuition to help her sit entrance exam for private school and thought we could get a bursary, she passed the exam with flying colours but did not gain a penny discount. We could not afford £10k per annum, i then found out about another school and the fees are £5k per annum if you pay for the whole year upfront. Her father agreed to pay towards the fees, I chased him for ages, he would put me off, in the end I paid for it myself. The normal comp school is not suitable, Im not a snob by any means but I dont think my daughter would have been able to cope, not to mention my exes whole family attending this school. My divorce was v acrimonious, my exes family do not speak to me infact ignore me and my children when they see us but are very nice to my children when they are with their father, so I really did not want to be facing them on a daily basis at the comp school.

I feel very guilty as my daughter has settled at school. I have made it very clear to my ex I will not be paying for it next year i.e sept 2013 as I really cannot afford it, I can afford half which is what was agreed. As for legal advise, honestly Im through with solicitors, my divorce cost me in excess of £15K Ive just got back on my feet again. Thankfully own my own home and working full time, dont have a lavish lifestyle, i believe in investing in my children.

I am very seriously considering court but which forms do I fill in, its so hard when you are working full time and courts offices are only open 10am to 2pm!!

Can anyone please advise, also the childcare arangement is only an agreement not a court order, Im thinking of gaining full custody then all will fall into place.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 07:59:37

If the fees were formally agreed in the original maintenance agreement and he's not contributing the right amount then you should go back to your solicitor (or a different solicitor) and pursue that. If the fee-sharing agreement was as casual as the access then you're almost starting from scratch. What on earth did your £15k go on? Property?

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 10:57:07

yes £15k, I had greedy solicitors that charge for every phone call they make to my exes solicitors etc. I had to get a barrister to come to court because my ex had one, I was advised I had no option but to do the same, advise given by my solicitor. The barristers fees cost me £5.5k for the day, both barristers loved the fact that we were not speaking and took full advantage, resulting in taking the whole day to mediate etc. The rest was normal charges, court fees, solicitor filling in form e for me etc. It was a horrendous divorce.

Nothing was agreed in paper with my ex with regards to daughter going to private school, if we were still together we would have sent her anyway as soon as we realised she was gifted and talented. Its the same for shared access, it was an agreement with barristers involved but NOT an order. In fact I am filling in paperwork this weekend to gain full custody. Im just fed up of the whole situation. This is how much of an a**hole he is - he didnt buy the kids anything for christmas knowing that I would buy them something at my house. He never takes the children out for meals or cinemas or bowling and he never takes them on holidays abroad - he goes by himself, selfish pig. So you can see why Im getting rather upset with the situation. I just can not get rid of this man out of my life, its like a bad smell.

Anymore advise??

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 11:01:29

Have you thought about simply walking away from him, dropping any financial demands but not agreeing to any of his requests either? Rather than keep butting heads where you always seem to come off worst, leave him to his selfish devices, carve out a life that you can afford for yourself as an individual, make yourself completely non-reliant on him in every possible way? The school seems to be the main bone of contention... understandable obviously... but might a different solution not be to move to an area with an outstanding state school and take it from there? If your DD is gifted, she will succeed anywhere.

I think your sole custody battle, for example, is doomed to be another expensive and frustrating failure. Courts don't grant sole custody on the basis of not taking children on holidays.

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 11:19:26

I think this time around Im going to fight the case myself, it costs £200 for court fees. I was ill informed with regards to having barrister etc. Im not ever going to stop my children from seeing their father. The whole situation is a joke, I do all the donkey work for my kids drop off at school, packed lunches, pickup from school, sit with them doing spellings reading etc, yet he has them at the weekend enjoying quality time with them. When he has them overnight during the week my daughter carries around with her two days worth of books for school, her bag is so heavy its bad for her back. Both kids forget books, parts of uniform etc, its so distressing for them going to school without a tie or leaving their school diary at his. Not to mention its just a rat race for me with the kids, they actually would like to spend weekends at my house.

So can I ask, if im in a relationship and my boyfriend lives in London and I want to move there or if I get a new job and it means I have to move, how does it work. He has access three nights per week, one night during the week and then weekends?

Also surely the courts will see that its me that seems to be footing the bill with the kids and he has to contribute. I dont want his money, all im asking is that he pays his share directly to the school.

Im settled in my new home as Ive bought it and I also changed jobs a few months ago, in that sense Im happy but it makes me sick when my ex calls the children on the landline or on their mobiles every night, talking rubbish, yes Im probably jelous seeing my children speak to him like they do. I just feel its me whos lost out in the end. I get no help whatsoever with my children ie pick up or drop off at school, I work full time in a very pressurised job - to put a roof over my childrens head and food on the table. He has gort the best bit no headache with school drop offs etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 11:38:48

How it works if you move away from the area is that you work out a new access arrangement that is good for the children. If overnight stays midweek are inconvenient for the children .... and they sound like they are already ... then you drop those in favour of longer stays at other times. Most people I know seem to do 'every other weekend' when they don't live so close to their ex.

Try not to view all this through the prism of resentment, however tempting. If you 'don't want his money' then be consistent and drop the private schooling. It's going to be the only way you get peace.

Alittlestranger Sun 06-Jan-13 11:53:54

Drop the private schooling. You can't afford it and it's really not necessary.

I accept you're annoyed with him, but if there's a dadsnet somewhere he's probably on it now complaining about his unreasonable ex-wife insisting on expensive private schooling you can't afford and how he's worried you're going for full custody.

Have you spoken to your kids about any of this? How do they feel, where do they want to live?

namechangerforaday Sun 06-Jan-13 12:01:19

He would pay maintenance through CSA if he has the children 3 nights a week because you are having them the other 4 - even if he has one resident with him, then he pays, you pay, it should be easily sorted via CSA through attachment of earning, I am not sure why you are considering court.

It sounds to me like he is having the children a lot, it would be detrimental to them if you were to move them away from him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:01:42

"Also surely the courts will see that its me that seems to be footing the bill with the kids and he has to contribute."

Contribute, possibly, denied access, no. I understand that you're still indignant over being ditched like last night's potatoes and I understand how galling it is when an ex seems to be living a charmed life of easy prosperity while you're flogging your guts out struggling to keep it all together. I get it... I really do... What you really want to do, what the court battles, school fee business and so forth are actually representing, is to go up to the ridiculous sunglasses-wearing man, shake him by the throat, and get him to even acknowledge or experience just a little of the pain you're going through.

It's the point at which you realise that is a futile wish & let go that you actually start to move on properly.

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:53:10

Namechangeforaday - both kids are with me four nights per week, he has them three. He has cleverly managed to get child benefit for one child, I am told by CSA I can claim for one child but he can claim from me for the other. Its complete madness, as the only thing he pays for is my sond afterschool club which costs him £200 per month and that is only in term time!! I pay for both childrens packed lunches, extra curricular activities, daughters private school, entertainment, holidays abroad etc. It seems he is enjoying his income whilst I struggle providing. He earns far more money than me!!

CogitoErgoSometimes - LOL how did you know he wears sunglasses!!! I am sure all will work out. Both kids know what I do for them and that is the main thing. As for daughter moving school, I have discussed it with her, she is really upset. I have explained to her that there is a big possibilitiy that she will go to the local comp near us, its not the best but its all I can afford. It just seems that as I gave birth to them, they came from my body it is all my responsibility whilst he has the best bits. Im hoping my children get to an age where they actually say to their dad - we prefer to stay with mum. How old does a child need to be to make their own decision with regards to whom they live with?

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 19:05:20

Just got in with children, both of them have left their pyjamas at their dads house, and my son has left half of his school uniform. Ha ha their father now has to drop off their things!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 19:10:28

I just had a strong impression of him being the kind of knob that wears sunglasses in winter, loves designer brands and probably has an unhealthy attachment to his car (BMW?)... no idea why.

CB should come to the main carer and - with you having them them majority of the week - that's you. You can change the account very easily here and I think he'd struggle to get it reversed.

Children have to be surprisingly old - teenagers - in order to refuse to visit parents if there's a legal access agreement in place. Courts will take children's wishes into account but, even if there is some kind of threat to the child's safety, they tend to order supervised access rather than cease it all together

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 19:13:43

" it is all my responsibility whilst he has the best bits."

IMHO the responsibility is the best bit. When people compliment you on your DCs you can say, hand on heart, that they are all your own work.

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 19:47:06

OMG, mystic meg, he does drive a BMW!!!!!!

CB is a real bone of contention, I have been notified by CB that he is allowed CB for one child, I have contested this and asked them to look at the info again, again I received a letter confirming he gets CB for one child. Im tired of the fight, like you say, only way to get him out of my life is to just walk away. The system stinks, I wanted my children to have the least disruption in their life by allowing him three nights access, instead it has all gone against me as I cannot claim CSA for my kids. Now I really can understand all the women that prevent their exes from access to their kids, my ex needs to acknowledge his responsibility, what kind of father doesnt buy his children anything for christmas???

I struggle like mad, trying to hold down a full time stressfull job, Im not from this area because I moved here for him, and because of the three night access I was unable to move. I have no family here, and very few friends, if my kids are sick, Im up shits creek!!

namechangerforaday Sun 06-Jan-13 20:29:08

Sorry when you said he was clatiming CB I assumed he had a resident child.

I'd be going higher 're the CB. They must have a complaints dept. At the end of the day it's fraud.

Once CB is sorted CSA can be sorted as well.

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:38:17

No, apparently because he has the children three nights per week he is entitled to something is what I was informed by CB. Im going to have to appeal the decision and then yes hopefully all will fall into place with CSA. He somehow has sent them something that states that its a court order that we have joint access when it was an agreement, not sure how he has done this. They used to have a policy whereby only one parent could claim the CB and that usually was the main carer, that obviously has changed recently.

Honestly if the guy just accepted his responsibilty and shared the costs for the upkeep of children, I wouldnt have a complaint, I dont want his money, he can pay direct to the school or activity that the children partake in.

namechangerforaday Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:32

I'd be contacting my MP he is entitled to sod all.

CB goes to the resident parent and they are wrong - but I am sure hell would freeze before they admit it.

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:12:52

Thankyou so much, I didnt think of that. When I rang them and assured them they had got it wrong, they said no you have got it wrong, and the way the letter was set out it said I could not have the decision changed, but when I rang them they said they would look into the matter further, then sent another letter stating that it was their final decision. Again I rang them fuming, the lady I spoke to suggested I appeal, she kindly has sent me the appeal forms. I will fill them in but like you have suggested I will go and see my local MP great idea!!!

namechangerforaday Sun 06-Jan-13 21:35:26

I contacted my MP in a dispute with my L.A.

Although they couldn't resolve my problem - they arranged a meeting for me with someone at director level in the relevant department - who was able to resolve the problem.

The CB people are wrong - if the children reside with you - you get CB - there is no halfway house on it.

I have known people be advised (for CSA purposes) to take a daily picture of the DCs in front of the days news with the days paper in their hands. Provides proof of where the children are at a point in time.

Abitwobblynow Sun 06-Jan-13 22:14:04

Lundy Bancroft. Read all about abusive men and you will find him in those pages.

Why is he being so difficult? How DARE you have different thoughts to him, and how dare you stand up to him, and how fricking DARE you have the unthinkable nerve to LEAVE HIM and make demands! You will have to be punished for that...

Read it. A real eye opener .

zaz123456 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:55:02

Thankyou all so much for the support, I honestly was at my wits end, and this evening I have positive thoughts. Maybe I should try this route first!! Its not the £20 per week that Im bothered about, all i want is for him to contribute to his childrens upkeep and unfortunately the only way is via CSA and CB.

He is a control freak, its the only way he can punish me now, hes done everything else, but I do believe theres a god up there.

I endured several years of being unhapilly married to this man, he tortured me, controlled me, took my self esteem away, Im a different woman now, my day finally came.

Ive taken the number down for my local MP and I will be making a sneaky call tomorrow from work. Thank you all so much.

Any more suggestions are welcomed!!!

clam Sun 06-Jan-13 23:08:33

How come he gets to have the children every weekend?

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