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please tell me what to do..

(85 Posts)
shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:10:47

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears angry . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times sad and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" hmm! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:17:28

SPB she is not overreacting to the pants issue. In her culture it is seen as wrong. To you it seems a minor thing but in her culture it is seen as a big deal. Please respect that. In this day and age we should be more culturally sensitive.

Shadesofwhite, I am so sorry to hear of your situation and that fact that you feel you have no option. I think Cogito has offered some good advice.

Do you have good friends you can speak to?

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 17:19:11

But maybe it is not seen wrong in her MIL's culture?

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:20:05

I have already explained why I cannot respect that - I actually feel such a 'culture' contributes to women in these situations feeling they have no option but to put up and shut up. But this thread isn't about that, it's about getting the OP away - unless that's a no no too? hmm

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:28:39

Vaga that may well be the case although from what Shadesofwhite is saying, they are all seem to be from the same culture. My assumption may be wrong.

SPB I can't see how the underwear thing can be seen as some sort of female oppression. From what the OP says, in her culture, a wife buys her husband's intimate things - not mother, not sister, not aunt, not father or brother. She sees it as a direct insult from the mother-in-law.

The OP has enough problems on her plate for anyone to add to it by rubbishing her culture. You may not agree with it but to say you have no respect for it because you deem it as oppressive makes me shake my head.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:30:23


shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 17:32:00

As much as i don't want go back to the "underwear" issue, let me clarify that we are all from the same culture plus mil and DH admitted it was wrong of her to do that intentionally. Many of you wouldn't understand but I'm glad at least MoRaw understands.
Thanks Cogito for the great advice and I really do appreciate it. I will try to sort things out but I'm going to be very careful that DH doesn't know. Its just sad that some people are unlucky in life, but as they say, the past doesn't matter rather what I'm I doing to Prepare myself for a better future.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:33:16

Do you have people on real life who will support you?

SPBInDisguise Fri 04-Jan-13 08:43:49

Op how are you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 09:10:59

Yes, how are you this morning? How are your preparations for a better future shaping up so far?

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 09:13:06

OP can I ask if you are in the UK? Because much of what you are saying suggests either a middle eastern culture (but based in the UK), or deep south in the USA. These are cultures where "barefoot & pregnant" seem to be the norm, also where a man is looked after & pandered to by his mother until he gets married then his wife takes over that role.

I notice that there's no mention of a FiL. It may be relevant whether he died or left your MiL (abandonment issues on her part).

I do understand what it is about the underwear, it's not so much that one thing but it's a symbol of how your MiL is encroaching on your responsibilities in lots of different ways - that's just one typical example that is tangible.

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