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Oh fuck. What have I done?

(37 Posts)
moreconfusedthanever Sun 16-Dec-12 15:39:58

I've kissed someone else. Not my husband. Someone else's husband.

Dh and I have been having a difficult time lately. I moved out for a while last month because he was violent to me (the first and last time i might add) but went back to try and make things work. He was devastated when I said I was leaving for a bit. If I'm honest I haven't really felt the same about him since he was violent but I desperately want it to work. I just don't feel the same as I used to.

I have never really fancied him. Now I write this I know that it is a problem. Stupidly I thought marrying someone you liked was more important and I thought maybe the physical stuff would come. We do have sex and it's fine but I just don't feel attracted to him.

He is a good person and a good father and on paper we have a great life. He pulls his weight at home, does over and above with dd and is generally considered to be a good bloke.

Stupidly I kissed someone else this week. (both drunk, no excuse though) He has since revealed he has liked me for a long time and wants to see me again. I want to but I know I can't. I can't stop thinking about him though. This has highlighted that I can't be that happy with dh if I can go kissing someone else. It is so disrespectful of me and a horrible thing to do.

Sorry for the ramble.

I have to tell the other guy I can't see him again.

But I don't think I can continue with dh. How do I know if it's right to leave? Is there any hope I can make it work?

BTW I know I'm a bitch for kissing someone else's husband. I can't believe I have done it. How do I get out of this all now?

kinkyfuckery Sun 16-Dec-12 15:42:28

Kissing someone else is forgiveable, perhaps. Taking it further is the dangerous ground. Does your husband have any idea how you feel about him?

SledsImOn Sun 16-Dec-12 15:45:08

Separate issues.

1. Put the other guy firmly on hold, till you've sorted out your existing relationship - whether or not you continue it.

2. Don't go straight into something new while still in the middle of a difficult situation. Give yourself time - new guy will wait if he really likes you.

3. Don't tell your H that you've done this. Not for now. It will scupper everything and take the focus off you and him - which needs sorting.

4. Violent for the first time but not necessarily the last - I'm not surprised you no longer feel anything much for him. That would turn me off instantly too.

How about staying apart for some time - from both of them - and finding out how you feel after a few weeks?

familyscapegoat Sun 16-Dec-12 15:47:21

If you think that kissing someone else means that someone must be unhappy at home, you're in danger of thinking those are the MM's reasons for wanting an affair with you. So that might help you justify getting involved with him.

Get out of your miserable marriage and be single. Don't mess around with anyone else's relationship though because his reasons are likely to be very different to yours and the people who will be hurt most are you and his wife/kids.

SledsImOn Sun 16-Dec-12 15:51:50

I'm also thinking, 'what have YOU done? what has HE done!' tbh.

He's been violent to you. No repercussions for him. Suddenly you have taken on the whole load of blame by kissing this other bloke - why have you done that?

Maybe it feels safer to blame yourself for your marriage being in trouble, than to accept it might be somewhat his doing...almost like your mind has decided to wreck something that you refused to see was already wrecked sad as a protective mechanism to give you a way out, perhaps.

I'm just guessing here. But look at the bigger picture.

janelikesjam Sun 16-Dec-12 15:53:49

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ISayHolmes Sun 16-Dec-12 15:55:48

Don't try and make things work with someone who has been physically violent with you. Stay separated from your husband, divorce, focus on yourself- don't go back into a dangerous situation: it will in all likelihood happen again no matter how many tears, apologies and distress spill out of him.

I wouldn't get involved with anyone else right now. You're in an extremely vulnerable position. Look after yourself first and foremost. Taking care of you should be your major priority.

moreconfusedthanever Sun 16-Dec-12 16:01:40

I don't know if dh has any idea how I feel about him. I've been TRYING so hard that maybe it seems like its all ok. I'm affectionate, chatty blah blah all normal so I don't think he knows. Of course after the violence I told him I didn't feel the same and for a while I didn't.

I don't plan on telling him I kissed the other guy.

Those saying they are separate issues are right though. Although I don't think if I was happy at home I'd kiss someone else. Do people really think a man would?

Other guy has asked me to meet him for lunch this week. Im thinking I go for the lunch - public place - driving so no alcohol - and tell him that I want to stay friends but I don't want to get into anything. I know people will get hurt - most likely me.

If I end my marriage my dh will be devastated. When I moved out he told me he'd been having suicidal thoughts as life without me and dd would be unbearable. I said I would never stop him seeing dd and he would always have her. And I mean that.

I just feel so sad that the dreams and hopes I had on my wedding day are in this state. And I feel ashamed for what I have done. More for the other guys wife than my dh as some warped part of me feels it was his payback for being violent. He broke a vow so I did too. I know this is childish and im not particularly proud of myself right now

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 16-Dec-12 16:01:42

"How do I know if it's right to leave?"

It's right to leave because he's been violent, you don't love him and you've probably ended up kissing someone else because you're so starved of affection. Please don't feel too guilty about the latter.... just see it as the tipping point. I think you're only 'desperate for it to work' because you feel a kind of 'make your bed and you lie in it' obligation, and you're unsure how to end it.

Give the other guy the brush-off by saying it was all a bit of a drunken fumble and then talk to your DH honestly about what you want to happen next.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 16-Dec-12 16:02:48

"When I moved out he told me he'd been having suicidal thoughts as life without me and dd would be unbearable."

Threatening suicide is a emotional blackmail and a very, very low trick. Do not take this seriously.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 16-Dec-12 16:06:39

"Although I don't think if I was happy at home I'd kiss someone else. Do people really think a man would? "

The reasons for kissing someone else are as complex and individual as people themselves. Some are tom-cats, out for a thrill. Some are romantics. Some are trophy-hunters. Some are impulsive types with no self-restraint. Some are malicious. You as an individual have your own reasons for doing what you did and I'd say you're not happy at home and that's your reason.... Don't beat yourself up about it, though. Shit happens.

Offred Sun 16-Dec-12 16:10:29

I know I could kiss someone else if i was happy. I don't see the two as related, not everybody does. I could (as in capable of) conducting two relationships at the same time and could be emotionally invested in both too. Don't think things are as simple as it must be wrong if I am kissing someone else, even if it is like this for you it may not be for OM.

Do not jump from the frying pan into the married man fire. He is not the answer to your broken marriage. You have been in an abusive relationship, you need to work on you and fix yourself before it will be wise to enter another relationship in all likelihood.

I was also wondering if this was sabotage to create some blame on your side which allows you to ignore that your husband beat you.

Leave your husband, don't be with OM and do the freedom program.

garlicbaubles Sun 16-Dec-12 16:11:39

What Sleds said, plus

5. if you're a cheat, so is other guy. You actually had more provocation than him - unless his wife has been violent - so he is not a trustworthy person.

Good to see you're starting to separate the two issues in your mind. How's that coming along?

Offred Sun 16-Dec-12 16:12:51

Don't meet OM btw, you don't owe him anything, you need to both sort out your own lives, separately, this is not a romantic novel...

peaceandlovebunny Sun 16-Dec-12 16:15:39

don't meet him. do tell him, if he asks, it was a mistake due to drink.
he just thinks you're available, and you're not.
then forget it. its nothing.

moreconfusedthanever Sun 16-Dec-12 16:20:10

Maybe offred... It's not that I want to ignore what he did, I just. Oh I don't know. I'm really confused. I feel like I am putting on a show of happiness when I'm not.

You're right about MM though. I went on his wife's Facebook and saw pictures of them and their dcs and it just made me feel sick with guilt. That's why I did that btw... To remind me that he has a wife and dcs and is not just the rather sexy bloke I see through work. (we dont actually work together so I can distance myself from him easily.)

You mumsnetters are full of kindness. I was ready to be totally flamed for being a bitch. I know I was.

DH has been a different person since I allowed him back. You really think there's no hope?

Leverette Sun 16-Dec-12 16:21:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 16-Dec-12 16:25:35

It's not a case of 'no hope' it's judging people by their actions rather than words extracted under pressure. It's also a case of acknowledging your own feelings and being honest. I've met a lot of really, really lovely men in my life but 90% of them I have not 'loved' in a romantic, life-time partner, kind of way.... even when I've desperately wanted that to be the case. If it's not there, it's no there. I could have married a couple of them quite easily but I would have felt it was unfair on them.... and I know I'd have turned into a resentful wife in time.

BTW Stop doing yourself down with all this self-reproach. You've made a mistake and you're going to fix it. Makes you human and not 'a bitch'.

Offred Sun 16-Dec-12 16:27:46

I don't think you deserve flaming. I do wonder if you are also trying to make yourself feel something by hurting yourself and also regaining a bit of control by behaving hurtfully to h.

Have you had any contact with women's aid?

tribpot Sun 16-Dec-12 16:29:33

Why are you trying so hard, when he was the one who was violent towards you? Because you're afraid he'll kill himself otherwise?

Don't meet the OM. No possible good can come from that. Except next time he hits you you may feel he was justified.

izzyizin Sun 16-Dec-12 16:42:45

"I moved out for a while last month because he was violent to me ^(the first and last time i might add)^"

Unless you are never alone with your h again, it's highly unlikely that the first time will be the last time he is violent to you and next time he assaults you, I would suggest you call the police and have him removed from your home.

As fo the other guy, you know full well what meeting him willl lead to and you're best advised to give up all notion of keeping him in reserve as a friend.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sun 16-Dec-12 16:42:45

I would like to jump to the events last month first. Regarding DH assaulting you, had he shown aggression or physically intimidation before? Was DD present, did she see it happen? What led up to this occasion? As far as DV how do you know it was the first and last time? With you perhaps - he could be repeating earlier patterns -even if out of the blue how can you assert it was the last time so soon after?

How soon into this relationship, were you when you got wed, were you already having misgivings? Did you hope taking the plunge would fix things?

Being upset you moved out means squat if he wasn't remorseful about hitting you and if underlying problems aren't sorted. Have you considered relationship counselling?

You say he is a good father - as an aside may I add, as many times as I read a thread where a poster identifies her DH or DP as a cheat and/or abusive, in 80% they also add, "he is a great dad".

Even without DV in the picture, kissing another man when your marriage or relationship has hit a rough patch is not a wise move, it only complicates things. Payback is juvenile, think like an adult.

Someone who is married, with children, is different again and a murkier kettle of fish. It's only going to get messy so stop now. He may be genuine, equally he can say all the right things to get off with you. Don't listen. It adds another severe problem right now. If your DH finds out it will worsen everything. Don't meet him, it will only prolong it.

Focus on what are the chances to stay with DH if he has been violent and you aren't attracted to him. If you have family or friends you can stay with to think it all through, do so. If you stay it maintains an artificial security for you and crucially, your DD. Christmas can be an emotional pressure point, do what you must to minimise risk.

Offred Sun 16-Dec-12 16:46:53

Don't have relationship counselling with a man who hit you.

Hatpin Sun 16-Dec-12 17:49:46

Do NOT meet the OM for lunch. Tis a slippery slope and you are, as someone pointed out above, extremely vulnerable at the moment.

Your marriage sounds like it should end. Concentrate on the practical because anything else is just avoidance of the problem you have in hand. You need people to support you, so confide in friends and family. Not someone who wants to get into your knickers.

cuillereasoupe Sun 16-Dec-12 17:53:03

I agree. Meeting OM for lunch will be the first step to a full-blown affair.

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