How much do you compromise?

[peacefuloptimist]

Hi all. I am a long-time lurker on the relationship page and this is my first post so apologies in advance if it is a bit long-winded.

I read a thread yesterday on happy relationships and was impressed with the number of people who had managed to stay with their long-term partners for over 10 years. It left me wondering how they had managed to maintain their relationships for that long. Were their partners perfect from the onset or had they had to make significant compromises. Everyone has to compromise sometimes in a healthy relationship but when does the compromising become unhealthy or too much? I find myself in the situation where I am happy with my partner but sometimes worry I am compromising a little bit too much.

Some background. Me and DH have been married 2 1/2 years and were together (but living apart) for 6 months before that. We had a bit of a whirl-wind romance and decided we wanted to get married very quickly. We now have a 3 month DS and are still hopelessly in love. In many ways my DH is my ideal partner. He is caring, kind, loving, affectionate, funny, loyal and devoted. We share goals and interests. He values me and makes me feel cherished. He tells me he loves me everyday and compliments me all the time with extravagent compliments that I know are not true (e.g. most beautiful, best wife, wonderful mum etc). I love my DH very much and enjoy his company more than anyone elses. However our relationship is not perfect and there are some aspects of our relationship which I feel could be better.

1. He doesnt like to spend time together outside of the home. DH spends the bulk of his time with me and DS however he is reluctant to do anything outside of the house (e.g. go to special events like weddings, dinner invites, joint visits to family, day trips, restaraunt outings or even holidays). When we first got together we used to go out a lot and I really enjoyed that. We do have fun together in the house but I feel its important to spend time together outside the domestic setting but he doesnt. When I have discussed with him he listens but doesnt comment (a bit passive aggressive) and if I do push something he will go but make it very obvious he is not enjoying himself which makes me uncomfortable and regretful that I asked him. Now I dont really ask him to go anywhere with me (even to visit my parents) but I feel sad about that.
   
   
2. He doesnt really buy me gifts or make any romantic gestures involving money anymore. I know this sounds shallow but gift-giving is a really important way of showing love to me and I spend a lot of money buying gifts for my loved ones. He doesnt value it that much and when I have bought him stuff he doesnt really appreciate it and has sometimes even given my gifts away! The only thing he does ever buy me as a gift is chocolates or cakes and that is not appreciated (for obvious reasons) which I have made clear to him. He gives me about £300 a month to spend on myself which I feel is a big part of why he doesnt buy me gifts. However, I feel that gesture is less romantic than getting me a personal gift that he has thought about which he used to do. What do you think am I being greedy and unappreciative or do I have a point?
   
   
3. He is a bit controlling with our family finances. DH pays for everything from his account. He is a bit old-school in that he never wanted me to financially contribute to family essentials like the rent, bills, food etc. However I dont have access to his account so anything beyond the essentials I often have to negotiate with him about. This was fine before as I was working and earning my own money so anything I wanted for the house or myself I could easily get. But now I am not earning money (I have stopped working since I gave birth and am not entitled to maternity pay as I was not employed at my last place of work long enough) I feel its becoming increasingly a problem. My DH is more responsible with money than I am (I admit I am a bit of a spender) but can also be too frugal. I havent made a big issue of this situation as I feel it is temporary ( I plan to go back to work but dont know when) but am worried I am being a bit of a pushover.
   
   My dm and dsis tell me I am making a fuss over nothing and should accept DH as he is as no one can be perfect. A part of me agrees with them and I feel guilty as if I am expecting too much. DH never complains about me by the way except jokingly (e.g. you get upset so quickly, start fights etc) even though I encourage him to be open with me about my faults and know I am not perfect. What do you think am I compromising too much? If not, what do you think I should make an issue of and what should I let go? What do you feel is an acceptable level of compromise and what do you compromise on? I will be very interested to hear others views.

[CailinDana]

It all depends on why he does these things and what his reaction would be if you asked him to change. If you asked him to have a joint account what do you think he would say?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

It doesn't really matter what compromises other people make or even what your parents/sister think. What matters is whether you feel uncomfortable or unhappy within your relationship.

If it is important to you to be sociable, for example, and he always wants to stay home then that it isn't a compromise if you never go out. You are simply doing what he wants. If you've explained why it's important and he doesn't listen then that isn't compromise either... it's dismissal. It's saying your feelings are unimportant. Ditto with gifts and romantic gestures. If they are important to you and you have said so, a loving partner would take that on board rather than throw you £300 and think that did the trick.

I would not personally tolerate the financial situation at all. It's not at all healthy to have no access to your family's money. Losing your financial independence to someone who is so controlling is a mistake. It's demeaning to have to negotiate if you want to buy something other than essentials.

Of course he never complains because life is entirely on his terms and he is never challenged. You are not compromising, you are rolling over...... Start demanding more say and my guess is that you'll see his true colours.

[peacefuloptimist]

I take your points on board. I am happy I would say about 90% of the time but at times I feel resentful. The reason why he does these things is a mixture of personality, habit and maybe experiences. My DH is naturally a quiet and introverted person. He can socialize when he wants to but if he doesn't want to will just close up. When I have pushed him in to going to places he doesn't want to go he closes up and doesn't enjoy it therefore defeating the purpose of why I meant us to go out together. With regards to finances I have spoken to him about a joint account recently. In the past I was happy to have our finances separate because I could then control how my own money was spent. He wasn't keen because he is a bit of a control freak about money (he is an accountant and does monthly budgets of our expenditure) but also in the past he has seen me spend irresponsibly which I admit too and has had to bail me out of debts. I think that is what is making him cautious. Me and DS do not want for anything but I resent having to ask for money outside of what he gives me. When I do discuss things with him he ignores me in that he doesn't respond but listens with regards to the first two if I make a general complaint but will sometimes respond to specifics. The joint finances thing he does discuss but I think he just doesn't trusty me enough yet.

[peacefuloptimist]

Our financial issues are temporary. Since I stopped working and ds was born he has made allusions to changing that state of affairs and increasing my access. So he is not inflexible or unmoving with regards to that. The other more importantIissue of going out together he still tried to compromise on by saying that we would go out somewhere together once a month but he doesn't really stick to that. He also just doesn't seem to enjoy going out. He doesn't even go out to socialize with his own family and friends that is why I don't get as upset about it as maybe I should as I know he is like that with everyone. I'm interested in hearing about what compromises other people have had to make. I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't have everything my way.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

What compromises does he make?
......
Thought so.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You said you had a whirlwind romance and, as the adage accurately puts it... 'marry in haste, repent at leisure'. If being sociable is important to you it was a big mistake to marry someone who is naturally shy, introverted, closes up and spoils a night out by being miserable if he's been made to go when he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to change. You can't change him. So you're either stuck where you are and never go out again... or.... you go out on your own and leave him behind... or.... you find someone else to go out with.

That's the downside of not getting to know someone first I suppose.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"Since I stopped working and ds was born he has made allusions to changing that state of affairs and increasing my access"

DS is 3 months old. You probably stopped working a month earlier than that. You've had 4 months between you therefore to set something up that gives you access to the family funds. I don't know about anyone else but I can open a bank account in a few days, set up a SO or DD in a few days. 'Alluding' sounds like a big old delay tactic.

[peacefuloptimist]

Well one is that he facilitates me and ds going out though he won't join us. He drops us off and picks us up though I am sure he would rather be doing something else. He doesn't socialise with his friends as much anymore (not at all since ds was born) but he is happy for me to continue having an active social life without him which sometimes means he spends his weekends and sometimes a few days in the week (when we stay over with family) alone. That is a compromise as I know hemisses me and ds. When we first got married I was financially independent , now I'm not he never pressures me to get back to work or complains about the unequal financial burden distribution but gets on with working and providing for us. I'm not here to defend Dh. I know why I love him and what I get out of our relationship which is a loving partner who on the whole I can rely on and trust.

[KatieScarlett2833]

It depends on how strongly I feel about the issue. I would feel very strongly about any disrespectful behaviours and stand my ground till I prevailed but over something like him not wanting to go to a night out I'd not even blink at it. And it's exactly the same in reverse.

[porridgelover]

^ What weevils said...... what compromises does he make???? Not giving in to you but an adult conversation about finding a mutually agreeable mid-point?

To me, your posts talk a lot about your faults, and what he has had to put up with. He's not perfect either....does he acknowledge his own weaknesses. Or are you adopting a ''weak'' position in order to maintain the relationship?
Work on your own self-esteem and assertiveness. A good partner will be delighted to see you grow in that way.

If you can get your hands on this book you may find it interesting reading. While it is written for the partners of alcoholics, there is a lot there that is relevant to any of us who have difficulty asserting our own feelings and needs in relationships.

[porridgelover]

X posted. I'm sorry but I dont see him being alone while his DW and DS visit friends and family as being a compromise on his part. Perhaps I am reading too deeply from my own (previous) situation but that him having it his own way. Can he not compromise by going out with his family at least some of the time?

[porridgelover]

sorry..... that's him having his own way

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"I'm not here to defend Dh."

You're making plenty of excuses for him, however. You seem unsure whether your concerns are legitimate but, when we tell you they are, you back-pedal. Driving you and DS to social events and weekend visits isn't a compromise, for example, it's opting out. Many couples have different interests & hobbies that they pursue independent of each other but socialising as a family is fundamental to family life. Don't your family think it's strange that he drops you off and disappears?

[peacefuloptimist]

Porridgelover, your comments are astute. I do have problems with asserting my needs and feelings in most of my relationships. When I was at home with my parents I was their least difficult child and I developed a habit of putting myself second and relying on myself. To be honest this is probably one of my least complicated relationships. My Dh is very supportive of my emotional needs and I am able to lean on him more than I have been able to lean on anyone for a long time. Though these things do bother me I cherish this relationship so much because my Dh is the first person I have met who has made me a priority. That doesn't mean he instantly agrees to Di everything I ask for. Do those people who have been married or together for years have partners who always agree with them and do as they say. CogitO I am interested in finding out whether you compromise and how you manage differences of opinion with your partners. I agree the financial situation can not go on. It's partially my own fault as when we first got together I acted as if it wasn't important when he initially offered to open a joint account as I didn't want to appear materialistic. But I have a plan and think if push came to shove he would open up a joint account. So how have people maintained such ling term relationships then?

[overbythere]

I think not wanting to socialise at all would be a problem for anyone. All families have occasions, birthdays, get togethers - that's completely normal. My ex opted out like this too. He always said, 'well it doesn't stop you doing it' but it became so awkward and lonely to be honest. He was miserable, anti-social and lazy and I resented it and it contributed to the end of things which might be the way you are heading because he's not going to change is he?

[porridgelover]

peaceful, that comment about you putting yourself second as a child is interesting. It's a cliche that we recreate our family relationships in our marriages but there is a lot of truth in it.
Are you looking to your DP to 'parent' you; are you adopting a 'child' position, allowing yourself to be cared for, but not insisting on adult equality in your relationship? Are you allowing him to do his own thing as he is more 'powerful' in your relationship, but you allow that as you gain by being minded and cared for?

I dont know the answer but its worth thinking about.

[Lueji]

Have you read GettingBigger's thread?

I think it could easily be you in a few years. :(

Do set a date to go back to work and a plan on how to do it.

Get your driving licence, and set a date to arrange joint finances. If you both are open and discuss budgets, you should not get into debt.

He avoids going out and you may end up staying in because you feel sorry for him being left alone. At some point your social network will dwindle.

[porridgelover]

If that is the case, it's not going to auger well for the long term. You are an adult with adult needs for companionship, friendship, fun, power and love. If you are compromising on one area for the sake of another, it wont be possible to keep that up.
Hopefully, both you and your DP are mature enough to recognise your own patterns and change to maximise your relationship. You can only do that for yourself....whether he changes is entirely up to him.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"Though these things do bother me I cherish this relationship so much because my Dh is the first person I have met who has made me a priority."

OK... asking about compromising within a good long-term relationship. I think the first important element is choosing someone with whom you are essentially compatible. You should want similar things and hold similar views on what you both feel is important. You're not going to be 100% identikits of each other but the whole point of dating and courtship is that you get past the honeymoon period, get to know each other and filter out people with whom you are incompatible. They go on the 'no' pile

Even with a solid foundation there will be some points of difference but you should be able to articulate whatever it is that is bothering you (plural) and expect the other person to acknowledge it and make some efforts to compromise. But these compromises can only ever be on the peripherals.... you can't compromise on important aspects like values and principles, because that means selling yourself short.

My current boyfriend loves motor-sports. I love music. Never the twain shall meet!!! We happily part company therefore to pursue our individual interests but we get back together the rest of the time and have a similar outlook on the more important things. If we didn't I'd call time....

[peacefuloptimist]

I hear what people are saying and am thinking about it. I don't think I stay with my husband because I want him to look after me like a child. I hate being financially dependent on my dh as I'm not used to it
He does respect me he does treat me like his equal. I am used to being the one depended on not the one depending on someone else so that aspect of my relationship differs to those I have been in in the past. I think one of my mistakes at the start of the relationship was that I tried to appear undemanding and self-sufficient so he didn't feel pressure to change. He has changed in some ways though. When we first got together we used to fight a lot and he would storm off and stop talking for days. He never does that anymore and is quick to apologise when he is in the wrong whIch he didn't do before. He makes the most effort with me and ds. My family do get annoyed when he doesn't come in when he drops us but my df is a toxic influence so I would prefer to keep their contact minimal. I would like him to make more effort with my dm but he treats her in the same way he treats his own dm. Which is that he is respectful but doesn't make conversation. When my dmil stays with us I feel like I am her child as I am the one being sociable with her.

[Lueji]

I don't think I stay with my husband because I want him to look after me like a child. I hate being financially dependent on my dh as I'm not used to it

Most women who end up dependent didn't set out to end like that.
This is the right time to avoid the traps and end up in a big hole.

[tumbletumble]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9, and I'm thinking about the compromises we make....

I know he'd like the house to be tidier, but he puts up with it because he knows it would make me miserable to be cleaning all the time (I am a SAHM).

He wanted to move out of London, so I said I'd give it a whirl. I love it here now, but if I didn't we'd have to talk about that.

I'd have liked another baby, but he wasn't keen and I think it's wrong to bring an unwanted baby into the world, so he won that argument! I know I'm lucky to have three healthy children.

In an ideal world, he'd probably like more sex too

So those are some of the things we compromise on... Does that help OP? I agree with Cogito that you need to be fundamentally compatible for it to work.

Re the socialising, could you agree on a level you are both reasonably happy with, eg once a month? Part of the agreement would be that he has to join in these not very frequent occurrences with as much enthusiasm as he can! I think that would be better than you never asking and feeling resentful about it.

The money thing is tricky. In theory I totally agree you should have joint access, but if you are a spendthrift then I have some sympathy with your DH!

Re the present thing, have you heard of the five languages of love? It may be that you express your love in terms of giving and receiving gifts, but your DH expresses his in different ways. This is not a problem provided you acknowledge each other's differences.

[Bonsoir]

If you aren't happy with something that is part of your relationship, you need to think about how you can change it for the better. The first thing you need to work out is what you would prefer. You don't need your other half for that - you need to work that out for yourself.

Once you have fixed your objective, you then plant the seed of the idea in your other half's mind, and water at every reasonable opportunity!

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"he would storm off and stop talking for days. He never does that anymore"

Do you not think, rather than this being a sign that he has improved, the storming off has stopped because he's not being challenged any more? You say things are 90% agreeable but an important 10% of your marriage is very much on his terms from what you've described. Your life has gone through a sea-change ... new baby, no job, no money, not going out as a couple any more, visiting family solo .... and I think you've become a lot more conscious of the 10% and that's why you're feeling resentment.

[HandbagCrab]

How can you compromise? I read recently that sometimes when you compromise neither party ends up happy so it might make sense to do what one person wants to do some of the time and do what the other does other times. So for e.g. Dh doesn't like the theatre so he doesn't go with me but he will stay in and watch a film he knows I wouldn't like such as 2 fast 2 furious. In your case it might be that sometimes you go out, sometimes you stay in, both separately and together. You could compromise by inviting people round as well but if your dh doesn't want to socialise then I dont know if that would make any difference. I'd be concerned that eventually he will expect you to stay in with him and then you will lose any support you may need from family and friends.

Sort out the joint account on Monday. If you're not earning you must have access to joint money. Realistically, you don't know your dh that well so you cannot rely on his good nature.

Perhaps explore why he has such a unfriendly relationship with his mother.