For the last twelve-ish years I have had a minimal (emails, birthday cards) relationship with my mother, who is a narcissist and a trouble-maker. I am happy with my reasons for breaking contact - it was to do with putting my mental health first so I could bring up my daughters in peace.
From time to time, I think...but she is my mother, I love her, this can't go on for ever etc... And usually just as I am thinking that I should re-establish contact, I hear from one or other of my two brothers about the horrendous trouble she makes for them and their wives and families, and it always confirms to me that I did the right thing.
However, my wonderful daughters are grown up now (so can't use needing to be in a good state for their sakes anymore), and I have moved to the West Country (most of family in SE), and my mother will be 70 soon.
I was wondering whether it might be worth going to whatever birthday 'do' my brothers will arrange for her....
Is this just pointless? I think I am realistic about the fact that she is just like this and will NEVER change, so I am not hoping she will have turned into the mother we'd have all liked to have or anything like that. It's just that I find it hard to accept that this state of affairs will go on for ever and that she will one day die and that I will not have seen her.
Being a mother myself, I could not allow such a thing to occur between myself and my daughters and would go to the ends of the earth to make relations good between us. Thankfully my relationship with my now adult daughters is just beautiful and no-one is afraid of anyone else and we are all able to be ourselves etc, so I have never had to repair it because it has never been broken. I'm trying to say that, in my mother's position I would have been heartbroken.
At the moment our relationship consists of infrequent but friendly emails and birthday cards. Once I stood up to her, she realised I would not be bullied anymore and basically didn't want anything to do with me. I think she has also been more comfortable with this distance between us.
Any thoughts?
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Relationships
Any relationship possible with narcissistic mother?
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/11/2012 12:09
You lovely people - thank you so much for taking the time to reply. As is the case for all children with narcissistic parents, the ins and outs and history of it all is so detailed and mind-boggling it can be very hard to make oneself understood when trying to explain to others, so I truly appreciate your replies, which are really helpful and thought-provoking.
forgetmeknots - that was a lovely thing to say and has brought tears to my eyes (am missing my girls at the mo 
)
I once, about seven years ago, went to a large party of my brother's that my mother was at. Beforehand, I was actually scared of seeing her as it had been several years since we'd seen each other. A very good friend (who I grew up with and who knows how frightening my M can be) advised me to "put on my adult shoes". This was because she knows being in my mother's presence can make me feel like a ten year old furious child.
In the event, she actually seemed like quite a short, old, mad, lady - she asked how my cat was not my daughters and we spoke for a few minutes, small talk. Then i drifted off to mingle and shortly after, we left.
I was unwounded.
So maybe I can do this.
I would be doing this for my own sake, and for my two brothers who have remained stuck with her and are still abused by her, and pay for her life, and try to look after her, though nothing they ever do is enough of course. I would also be doing this for her because I think it would make her happy that I bothered. I think she thinks I hate her, which I don't. I just couldn't have her behaviour in my life because it made me feel mental and unhinged and I had to save myself.
Obviously she wouldn't be able to understand or accept or even hear any of this and I wouldn't dream of trying to explain, because that way craziness lies....
She did once say to my father at a party (her first of three husbands) when he was alive:
"I've fallen out with Scarletwoman - I expect it's probably my fault" but this was three or four YEARS after the event and she has a very selective memory!
Last Christmas she stormed off from one of my brothers' houses after complaining she didn't get very good presents! Christmas is her absolute speciality. So maybe I'll see how it goes for my darling brothers this year before deciding.
Those poor boys -THEY TRY SO HARD but have no insight
Hear hear! Scarletwoman, you should write a book for the people of toxic parents raising their own kids! Full marks to you for stopping that cycle.
I think you do sound strong enough, but I think your suggestion of waiting to see how Christmas goes is a good idea. Always the favourite disruptive holiday of the narcissist. If it wasn't for the ages and your apparently lovely personality I would think you were my SIL!
I'm amazed to know how you've managed with your brothers and their wives (in our case, our decision to step away meant the siblings joined in the scapegoating of my DH, as they've now got to deal with MIL's 'devastation' 
). I feel sorry for them (your brothers and my siblings-in-law!) as they've paid their prices for their decisions, but genuinely impressed that your family hasn't totally turned on each other. Maybe you can take strength from your brothers/nieces and nephews at the party?
And yes, as Fmn says, so telling that you have sibling support. Sadly my dsis has similar relationship w my BIL as our dps had, apparently "it's a sign of his strength that he agrees with everything she says"
Meanwhile I'm the convenient scapegoat..thank goodness fir your dbs' strength and affection for you, Op.
just 
cheers all!
Here's to not putting up with this shit!
Haha even!
Yessss, dinner means more chat opportunity. Party means mingling avoiding if necessary
If you feel that it will benefit you and maybe your brothers, then I would do it. You have good insight into people with narcissistic personality disorder so know nothing you ever do will be right for both you and your M. Its self preservation on your part and meeting with her may give you some closure.
If you think she could die tomorrow and you will feel nothing, no regrets, it may not be worth meeting with her when she is alive. I would also support your DBs in any way you can but not bother trying to explain their Ms behaviour, it will only upset them and make them turn against you (another victory for your M). People with NPD are arch manipulators so tread carefully and be on your guard.
I've no doubt the argument with SIL was engineered by your M for her own ends. Your M needs everyone to pander to her needs, and by stepping aside from this you have left her circle of controlled individuals. If it helps your DBs lie through your teeth to her, words cost nothing and a meaningful relationship is impossible so what does it matter? If you do meet with her stay calm and the safest thing is to say nothing! 
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Thank you sneezecakes
I think if she died tomorrow, to be fair, I'd feel immense grief and sadness, I'd feel I wished I'd seen her, I'd feel I let my DBs down, I'd feel like a complete shit. Because at the end of the day, she's my mother, and I love her. We have had good laughs together in the past. Sometimes things have seemed good between us, but mainly as I became an expert at placating...
As a teenager I was her confidant, and felt we were close in some ways. I was young and felt special I suppose that she told me all her adult problems, even if it was sometimes too much info. I actually felt responsible for her when I was away at school and worried that I wasn't there with her. But unfortunately she wasn't motherly to me, she was flippant and dramatic, threatened suicide, faked a cancer diagnosis and let me believe for two weeks while I was 13 or 14 and at boarding school that she only had two years to live. She told me when I was home for a weekend and had brought a friend She told us both. What I didn't realise at the time was that she had based her belief on something a clairvoyant had said to her, FFS. I got a letter from abroad two weeks later. She'd taken herself on holiday after hearing from her actual doctor that she was perfectly ok.
When things haven't gone her way she has even threatened to kill herself in front of my very young nieces
She has insulted my dbs mothers...accused my stepM, in a vicious letter written on Christmas Eve and read out aloud proudly over phone to one SIL, of killing my father... 
(Forgetmenots, I really hope this one isn't ringing any bells otherwise you actually are my SIL!)
It's actually quite bad isn't it? Most of the time I tend not to think of her and all this stuff that much, but bloody hell, once I get started!
Because I have explained all this stuff to my daughters, they are protective of me where she is concerned and would probably prefer I didn't go within 100 miles.... But I have to do what seems right and if I can explain it to myself I will be able to explain it to them.
The more I write, I am starting to feel maybe this is not such a good idea after all. Perhaps I am not as detached from the pain she caused me as I like to think I am.
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