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Relationships

Depression, violence, arguing over MIL...next?

35 replies

Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:23

For the last 18m my partner has had depression and after attempting to strangle me with a comupter wire he left our home in May this year citing that he needed "to be 100% selfish and have zero responsibilty in order to get better" his family blamed me for his illness and cut me and my children out of their lives (i'd previously tried to speak to my MIL 3 times about how bad it was getting at home...but her son could never be at fault for anything)
After 3 months, I was doing ok treading water and my girls were fine then he came and asked to come back (btw whilst we were split he went on a boy's holiday, endless trips to the pub etc from someone who couldnt even make a packed lunch in the morning!!) he'd come off his anti-d's, finished councilling and gone back to work after 5m off. I was unsure but thought that I still loved him and the girls needed their Dad that it was the right thing to do. His mum said that he was to keep me away from them all to avoid any arguments as they dont think i'm good enough for him (should point out that i'm well educated in a professional job, he is a postman)- I SWEAR on my girls lives aside from his sister saying I slammed the door in her face and me saying I didnt I have never argued with any of them. So I took him back and have struggled with the decision I made...think I made a real mistake but believed that we could make it work as the love is still there. However, one of the main points of contention is MIL attitude and the lack of respect shown towards me and my girls and just how unfair and unjust the entire situation seems.

On Sunday night he had been drinking heavily in the pub and came home with food, we started arguing about him taking so long then that spiralled into me saying some very hurtful things about his mum (I'm ashamed of this! I basically said she would blow him if she could as she would do anything to stop us being a family) he flipped and went for me as I stepped back scared he laughed at me. I asked him to leave the house and he refused he then ended up on top of me on the couch trying to strangle me. My 10 yr old came down screaming at him and he said to her 'I'm going to f++king kill your mum and i'm going to stab your dad' (10yr old is not his, 2yr old is) he got off me and I sent her upstairs then he went for me again and again she came down to intervene. I asked him to leave he point blank refused, went upstairs packed his stuff and then sat on the couch citing various reasons why we shouldnt be together. I couldnt get him to leave the house so I left him down stairs.

Yesterday, he worked till 6:30 and came here after work and was very apologetic and said he felt ashamed and would like for me to give us time to see if this situation can be healed.

I am so confused I know what I need to do, yet doing it is an entirely different matter. This situation with MIL is not going to be resolved and I am so angry about it. The fact that this is not the first time he has laid his hands on me and now my child has witnessed it to...his stuff is still packed, if he goes it will be permanent but I just can't seem to be able to bring myself to end it...advice please xx

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 30/10/2012 12:27

You have to end this for the sake of your children, if nothing else.

They will be imensely damaged by living with this.

Imagine it was your daughter in this situation. What would you tell her to do?

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OpheliaPayneAgain · 30/10/2012 12:28

You sound like an awful combination. You deliberately pushed some buttons by saying his mother would give him a blow job didn't you? He might only be a post man, and you with your education and professional job, are quite an alley cat at heart.

That aside, he hits you. Your children witness it. They witness you making filthy accusations about their grand mother.

you are a toxic combination.

I wish I could find something salvageable in what you wrote, but I can't. You are as bad as each other. If you stay together, one of you will end up dead.

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Offred · 30/10/2012 12:31

Please please call the policeSad

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 30/10/2012 12:31

Redders - No matter WHAT you said, there is NO excuse for his violence against you.

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pictish · 30/10/2012 12:32

Sounds like a crap situation all round...there's no way he should be laying a hand on you, and that's final.
Equally, you really need to learn to modify your mouth. What you said was utterly vile, and yes - very inflammatory. If you said something of that calibre to me, I cannot promise I would not slap your face. Hard.

Just stay away from each other. That's my advice.

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LittleWhiteWolf · 30/10/2012 12:33

Next time he tries to strangle you he could kill you.
You are lucky to be alive after 2 attempts. Don't give him the chance to try a third time.

Your children do NOT need to grow up like this. I think you need to evaluate why you feel the need to allow someone so dangerous and dysfunctional to stay in your life. Get him out and get counselling for you and for your 10 year old who must be utterly terrified of you being murdered.

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pictish · 30/10/2012 12:34

Yes...the fear your dd must now have of her stepfather must be huge.
Get him to Hell, and spend some time learning what to expect from a relationship, and how to behave in one yourself.

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dequoisagitil · 30/10/2012 12:37

Please put his stuff out and end it.

He could have killed you - even if he was 'only' trying to frighten you by throttling you, he could have easily crushed your windpipe and actually killed you. And it's not the first time. This should not be downplayed.

Plus your dd was a witness. That's incredibly bad for her. What sort of life are you showing her?

Please call Women's Aid. Ideally also report him to the police.

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Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:38

Ophelia - I am throughly ashamed of what I said and I do not hold myself in a higher regard than him our jobs are irrelevant. I used that as a point of reference that is all. For the last 18m of my life I have done nothing but supoort him and our family in every way possible.

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LittleWhiteWolf · 30/10/2012 12:38

What if next time he goes for you your oldest daughter gets in the way? What if he turns on her? What if he seriously hurts her, even if by accident?

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LittleWhiteWolf · 30/10/2012 12:41

Dont be ashamed. OK it was a pretty mean thing to say, but don't let that be the stand out "bad thing" of your OP. Dont focus on how bad you were as a way to distract from the real issue.

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Cluffyfunt · 30/10/2012 12:41

He told your little girl that he would kill you and her father Shock

Your DD is going to need counseling 100%

If you choose to stay -your choice. You are an adult. You have to let your DD live somewhere where she isn't going to be abused.

I'm sorry for you, but you need to see this for what it is.

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LittleWhiteWolf · 30/10/2012 12:42

That bad was supposed to be "bad" and I meant to add that you shouldn't use it as an excuse either. (typing with baby on lap, sorry!)

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Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:42

Norma - I know and if this was one of my friends I'd be telling them exactly the same and I don't know why I can't bring myself to...!!

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tribpot · 30/10/2012 12:44

Please call the police. Please let your dd see that violence does not go unpunished, that threats of violence against her dad will not be tolerated. Who gives a toss whether he accepts that his MIL was out of order, you are misdirecting your feelings of anger and resentment. The problem is him, not her.

This situation will not get better until you make it get better. You cannot choose his actions but you can choose your own.

Please get some help for your dd. No child should have to witness what she did.

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Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:44

Thanks LittleWhiteWolf, I appreciate the advice.

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DuelingFanjo · 30/10/2012 12:46

regardless of what you said or did this behaviour is not acceptable and you must not allow this man back into your life or your children's lives. That's it. The advice you should take.

You know you can live without him.

Just do it today for your own and your children's sake.

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Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:48

tribpot i think that is the nail on the head, I am misdirecting my anger...I have to be honest I've never known myself to have so much anger inside me directed at one person alone. I think she is so evil, the way she has washed her hands of my girls and looks down her nose at me because I had a baby young (i'm 30 now) I have worked so hard to achieve what I have and I can't work out what her problem is and its causing major problems. I know I have to end it but cant bear it.

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Narked · 30/10/2012 12:50

So he's tried to strangle you twice. He's told a 10 year old he's going to kill her mother and stab her father.

What are you waiting for? What will it take to get him out of your children's home? Does your DD not deserve to feel safe in her home?

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pictish · 30/10/2012 12:51

You do have to end it. His behaviour is very very dangerous, and you children are in the middle of it all.

In fact, your dd's presense did not calm him down and make him stop - he used your dd to hurt you further, threatening to kill you and stab her dad. He didn't give a fuck how that make her feel, he just wanted to cause fear and pain.

This is not a good man. This is an inadequate, abusive arsehole.
Fuck his mum - she's no-one.

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Redders1981 · 30/10/2012 12:53

She does and that is the fundamental reason why this has to be over, I dont want to be a bad example to my daughter.

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Narked · 30/10/2012 12:54

Hold on to that. That's what will get you through.

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dequoisagitil · 30/10/2012 12:55

His mother isn't the one who frightened your daughter and who had her hands round your throat.

Please call Women's Aid. And the cops.

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MerlotforOne · 30/10/2012 12:59

Please, please call the police. The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they are ending it, as he will have nothing to lose. Given his serious and escalating physical abuse, I'd want he police there when you tell him to leave (or at least be aware of what's happening so they're on 'standby' and a friend or relative there with you).

You must protect your DD.

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Narked · 30/10/2012 13:04

And it's not just about 'setting an example.' Yes, children who witness domestic violence are more likely to end up in violent relationships as adults, but the harm to your DD is much more immediate here. What she saw and what he said to her is emotional abuse. It causes damage that is just as real as if he had held her hand over an open flame - and just as likely to require professional treatment to heal. It's harder to see that's all.

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