Have name changed. I just wanted to tell the truth for once to someone. And I wanted to know how many other people feel that they are faking so many things in their lives. I know that some degree is normal, civility and white lies are what make civilization possible, but I feel that I cannot and never shall tell the´truth to anyone.
On the surface everything seems to be going swimmingly. I have a good job, loving husband, nice house and fine children. I moved to my husbands country long ago and have undergone a long process of learning the language, culture, everything from scratch. I have built up a good career, house, family and even been asked to stand as a political candidate as I am considered a "model immigrant". And it is all such utter horseshit.
I fake enthusiasm for this country, which I often find unbelievably dull, conservative and repressed. My job is sometimes fascinating but involves a great deal of feigning interest and concerns for clients' issues. I spend many days spinning shite to both sides of a dispute and manage to come out with both feeling I am a sympathetic party. How they don't see through this is beyond me.
But worst of all I feel like I am faking my homelife.
I love my children but often find them very trying. At playgroups etc I wonder if I am missing a gene as I just don't have the enthusiasm and love for the anecdotes, the detailed schedules of my children's lives that other mothers have.
My whole sex life is fake. My husband thinks I am very affectionate and sexually enthusiastic. But this is also bullshit. I get some enjoyment but it is mostly pretend. I store images in my head and use them to wank once he goes to sleep. This sounds brutal when I read it back, but it is the truth I really need to say it.
How much of your life is fake? I know I need to own up to some things but how?
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Relationships
Feel like my whole life is fake
fakeittillyoumakeit · 30/10/2012 09:31
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