I am lost. I can't see a way to make it right.
My H had an affair with some 26 year old idiot that didn't mind his ring or his daughter & the new baby. He betrayed me in a way that I never thought he would - he was always such a good, kind man & I just dont know who he is anymore.
The affair lasted for just over 3 months - there were declarations of love, him having never felt like this before & the best sex he's ever had. He dumped her when I found out.
6 months on he is still here. Life has been further complicated by his dad being diagnosed with a terminal illness.
I have read emails between him & his counsellor where he told him that he isn't attracted to me but was overwhelmingly attracted to his OW. I told him about this & he said that he only emails him when he is at rock bottom - he knows that he has been attracted to me & that all the tough times we've had have maybe damaged that connection (several miscarriages).
He left for a month to try to sort his head out. He came back & seems depressed & overwhelmed. I am slowly crumbling - I feel trapped. I'm trying to get a life & hang in here, but I feel like things are just shit.
I asked him to leave at the weekend. But then we talked more & agreed that he should stay. Despite the situation, I feel bad about asking him to leave because of his dad.
Affection is down to nothing. He will give me a peck on the cheek when he leaves for work & he gave me a hug when I was a bit stressed at the weekend.
He claims that he didn't leave me for her because he knows that there is something about us that keeps him here. According to him, she could have been just anyone, the relationship didn't have legs & her talk about a future freaked him out.
The year before the affair was very stressful for him. We had a fairly good marriage but I think we were on autopilot, taking each other for granted. He is deeply sorry that he didn't just talk to me about this & he is remorseful & incredibly guilty about the affair & what it's done to us & me.
He is confused about whether he wants this marriage. He hasn't let go of the feelings he has for her, although he does wonder whether it's more a case of how she made him feel. The usual ego massage, adoration - it would appear to be pretty standard in an affair (and so scripted & cliched).
I know that I should tell him to go. Get out of this limbo. All of this isn't the man I know. It would be so much easier if he was working damn hard to make things right or if he just left. But this limbo state is wearing me down.
It looks awful, doesn't it? There have been moments of hope - when he told me that he wants us to move forward, go to places we've never been to. He told me, over & over, that he loved me one night. But those are few & far between now. It's like he's shutting down - I don't think he can cope with this & his dads illness.
I know that some of you will tell me to kick him out & maybe you are right. I find myself wishing that I could just disappear.
I do have good days & I can balance things out. I guess I'm having a very bleak day. I just don't know if he's worth all of this. I want him to fight for me. But he's doing that bloke thing - shutting down, disappearing into his "cave". I read somewhere that men can't process emotions as quickly as women can.
He was always my rock. I could always count on him. I fell in love with him because he was such a good, kind, honest & beautiful man. Does all of this mean he isn't? Or did he lose his way? How do good, kind people deceive their spouses - the people that trust them & love them? He is flawed - we all are. He regrets what he has done - but why can't he make it right?
Has anyone had to deal with this? Does this kind of situation ever turn out well?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Utter despair...
moonfacebaby · 25/10/2012 10:26
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