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How bad is this? Worth finishing with him over? Can't decide.

(41 Posts)
Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 17:40:16

Have been with my boyfriend for most of this year. We see each other 4 or 5 times a week and get on well.

I found out on Sunday evening that he has been texting a woman from work. It had been going on for 4 or 5 days. He had told me about her, she had made it clear she fancied him. i was a little thrown but he assured me he didn't fancy her and that he wasn't interested in 'that' way.

Anyway, he told me that they were in email contact at work but nothing more. Last week my instinct started kicking in and I became convinced that they were messaging away from work. Just 'felt' it but tried to convince myself I was being paranoid.

So Sunday evening I sent him a message as I was sat next to him - well, a photo that I wanted him to see. He opened up his phone next to me and I saw her name. I was upset and asked to read the messages. He was reluctant as ' I would be reading them out of context ' but he handed his mobile over.

The good bit ... they were not sexual. there was no mention of meeting up or ending his relationship. he had made it clear that he was in a relationship and wouldnt have another one alongside the one he had. not many messages - as in not all day and night

the bad bit - she was very flirty. saying ' oh will we ever be single at the same time? '. kisses on the texts. him texting her saying he was bored and asking what she was up to etc. To the question ' will we be single at the same time? ' he had just made a fobbing off joke. BUT he was openly encouraging her I suppose, an active responder whilst saying he was in a relationship.

I was very upset. He apologised many times, said he had no intentions of ever doing anything < which incidentally i believe - he is not the unfaithful type > and that he had been stupid and not thought properly. He sent her a message saying I had seen the messages, that he had been stupid and that he would no longer be messaging her in that kind of way... < they have to email at work though as although they dont work in the same building, she organises something as does he > she replied with an apology for causing us problems and confirmed she wouldnt message him again.

He has apologised a million times. Reassured me he will not do this again and asked me to trust him again. Said he appreciated what he had done wrong etc...

But I still feel shit. I have said all i can say on the subject, as has he. I cant keep asking for reassurances or an apology can I? he has apologised countless times already.

Am I over reacting? Like i said, nothing sexual. I'd call the messages ' flirty banter ' at most.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 17:46:47

You're not overreacting because, even though he's been quite open and apologetic, he defaulted to lying to begin with. That's never a good thing, I find. Sort of depends how much you like this guy whether you feel inclined to forgive him or not.

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 17:47:49

He says he didn't lie but then accepted that he had lied by omission

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 17:49:15

Then cool it for a week or two while you think about it.

PedanticPanda Tue 23-Oct-12 17:56:10

I think you're over reacting sorry, he's apologised a million times and told her he wouldn't be texting her again. When she askes if they'd ever be single again he didn't text 'never, I'm with getagrip' but it sounds like he just completely ignored her question instead and asked her something else.

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 17:58:13

No, he just made a jokey comment- i only skim read the messages so cant remember exactly. He certainly didnt say ' i know how sad but maybe one day '

she did talk about how he'd made a big thing that work relationships were a no no for him and he made some very flirty comment back to that. All banter etc.

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 17:59:47

he is beyond gobsmacked when i pointed out to him that this would have escalated into something more. He looked horrified when i asked if they had tlked about sex too. in his mind, it was fun, flirty , flattering banter that didnt pose a threat to his relationship

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 18:01:23

I want to ask him more about it. but ive asked it all. and he has said sorry so many times, and said he would never want to hurt me etc. acknowledged he has been a dickhead and reiterated that i never had anything to worry about.

i still feel so shit

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 18:01:49

"he told me that they were in email contact at work but nothing more."

If that's how it was phrased it's not really an 'omission'...

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 18:04:09

well, no. not exactly like that.

I hadnt asked if they were talking away from work. not as such

Atomico Tue 23-Oct-12 18:41:09

Well, I've never done anything like this to my dw. I'm personally far to paranoid that they'll get the wrong idea to ever joke around with another woman.

But in his defence, he may have not realised that it was wrong. Apparently, a lot of people (men and women) do flirt around with no intention of actual cheating.

I don't think it's worth finishing with him over. But I would be very weary if there is more of this.

olgaga Tue 23-Oct-12 18:50:10

I think he knew exactly what he was doing. It amused him, he was flattered by it.

Do you want to be with a man who is so flattered by the attention of other women?

If he valued you I don't think he'd have let it go that far. I wouldn't be happy.

I'd definitely have a cooling off period and see what happens - but be prepared for him to jump straight into bed with her!

PickledFanjoCat Tue 23-Oct-12 18:52:17

Odd behaviour from him. Why text this girl in the first place?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 18:52:20

what is the "unfaithful type" then ?

a boundary-pusher, that's what

like your boyfriend

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Oct-12 18:55:06

On one hand, it was just a bit of meaningless banter and he probably didn't mean much by it.

On the other, you haven't even been together a year and he's already flirting secretly with girls from work and being dishonest.

Should he really need to be told that this is not the way to conduct yourself?

My gut feeling is generally to disbelieve men who play the naïf when it comes to minor dalliances with other women.

Also - the fact that he told her what had happened between you was super humiliating for you, and a big fillip to her sense of power over him.

If it was nothing, why not just stop texting her?

Why the need to "break up" (and blame it on you)?

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 18:56:31

He was definitely flattered by it and admitted this. He is also a very 'controlled' man with definite ideas about things hence why , for him, he decided this was acceptable as he had no further intentions.

All about him, obviously

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 18:59:49

Yes, I was upset at him telling her that I had found out and confronted him and he realised it wasn't fair or right to continue.

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Oct-12 19:02:55

I wouldn't want to be married to, or have children with, a man I needed to have that conversation with.

He's probably OK, but there are better men.

Why settle for less than you have to?

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 19:03:40

athing - I think you have it.

He is probably OK but there are better.

I think that is it sad

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 19:03:53

There was some mileage for him to tell her that you had "found out about them"

I wonder if he likes the idea of two women fighting over him ?

I would get rid at this early stage. He seems like he might mature into a proper headfuck with time

Getagripp Tue 23-Oct-12 19:06:00

AF- Again, you have a small something there. I used to think he was most unassuming. I am beginning to realise that he is actually quietly rather arrogant. Not in a blatant way at all but still... I wonder.

I am convinced he would not 'cheat'. That is not my worry. My worry is that he thought this was harmless banter that meant nothing...although he should have known it would mean something to me.

Abitwobblynow Tue 23-Oct-12 19:06:59

Getagripp: the thing is, we are ALL capable of crossing boundaries. That selfishness and self-indulging is sadly part of the human condition. It used to be called Original sin but the Progressives don't think religion is relevant anymore

He sounds like a bit of a gem to me. Someone as open as that? Understanding, let alone acknowledging lying by omission? A keeper.

Are you prepared to invest £14 or so in your relationship? Please, please please get Shirley Glass' 'NOT Just Good Friends'.

Get it, read it and share it with him. This is EXACTLY how infidelity starts, in the workplace, and she describes perfectly the slippery slope that he was on (and your instinct picked up on).
TBH, it is now early in your relationship where you can both EDUCATE yourselves about the slow crossing of boundaries and the shutting doors and opening windows.

This book comes with the strongest recommendation. If his eyes are opened now, he will know always to tell you when he is attracted to someone, or likes the ego boost, which stops the secrets and busts open the fantasy.

Abitwobblynow Tue 23-Oct-12 19:08:24

This book will stop that denial about 'harmless banter' - in fact, it can be a test. If he doesn't 'get it', bin his quietly arrogant arse.

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Oct-12 19:10:52

If you need to read Shirley Glass less than a year into your relationship, it's the wrong relationship.

Really.

Abitwobblynow Tue 23-Oct-12 19:13:00

Athing: I wouldn't want to be married to, or have children with, a man I needed to have that conversation with.

Hey, when we married we were besotted with eachother! He still turned into a cheating headfuck though (it took 15 years)...

We all have opportunities to learn and nobody told me about this workplace shit. I think if he gets it as beautifully spelt out by Shirley Glass, and if she opens her eyes very vigorously his 'quiet arrogance' (red flag) and lets him know it won't be tolerated, then they can move forward.

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