Getting over someone - v. short relationship

[Beograde]

Hello,

I just need some advice on getting over someone. I met someone when I was on a work trip thousands of miles away. We clicked instantly, and within an incredibly short period of time, we were saying how happy we were.

It soon transpired that there was an ex on the scene (his side), but it was "all over", but "needed to be handled with care". In the end, he went back to his "ex" (whether she ever really was one!) to "give it another go".

Everyone of my friends are telling me he's an idiot, used me, etc, etc., and I suspect all that is true ... but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about him. I've blocked him on Facebook, stopped most contact (except we do have to send some work emails). However, only the other week he writes to me to say "I've been telling myself though that the only way I'm going to get through at the moment is to decide to be happy. I know it's largely artificial and it's good when you leave me alone because I can keep telling myself that and believe it too".

Madly, I still find myself thinking that we were perfect for each other, and if he were only to realise, etc, we'd be fine. I know this is all complete madness on my side, but I can't stop thinking it. It's driving me crazy.

[chubbymomie2012]

firstly. im so sorry this happened to you. i know how it feels to have the rug pulled from under you like that. However you need to try to come to terms with the fact that it wasnt perfect. u werent perfect for eachother because he wasnt prepared to give u 100%.
it sounds like he enjoyed the thrill of having you and once it was getting serious the "ex" came back on the scene. like u said. she prob wasnt an ex.

its humiliating and soul destroying but if i have learnt one thing its that men will say exactly what they think will be needed to get what they want! They dont mean to hurt you they are just selfish and dont think about you as a feeling human.

you need to try to move on. think of this episode as character building. look for someone worthy of you xx

[Beograde]

Thanks, I know I need to get over this - it's affecting everything about my life - concentration in work, waking up in the morning to check whether I've received an email.

[SundaysGirl]

It sounds to me like he's saying leave me alone in a way that will be a balm to your ego. If he is sorting things out with his girlfriend then it's likely he wants to cover his tracks and would prefer you left him alone.

Thing is thinking it would be perfect if only he realised is a form of denial which is stopping you from feeling the pain and rejection and then moving through it. Lots of people have intense relationship type experiences over a short space of time and they really can affect you, length of relationship does not always mean the loss of it is going to hit you harder.

A lot of it is probably elements of fantasy and projection as well so I would say go totally no-contact and keep work dealings to the absolute minimum. Long distance things are so tough at the best of times and meeting on holidays or trips away and so on and only spending a limited but intense period of time together in person can really ramp up the feelings but ultimately not leave you with a realistic idea of who the other person really is.

I'm really sorry its painful, ive been in these sorts of situations and in some ways it makes it harder because people don;t understand how intense the feelings can feel, and therefore support is not always what it would be in other situations. Just be kind to yourself, it sounds as though he was cheating which should tell you all you need to know about the person he most likely is...not perfect for you if he only realised it, but a opportunisitic person who had a fling and now wants to forget it.

It's really horrible to feel that way but once you accept things as they are and allow yourself to go through the nasty uncomfortable pain bit you will come out feeling you had a lucky escape.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you have to remain in contact with this person you'll always be wondering 'what if'. The only solution to holiday romances (which is all it was really) is to get him out of your life, make a better life, meet new people and create some love and excitement with someone who actually deserves it. If it means changing roles within your company or even changing jobs so that there are no work e-mails then that might be what you need to do.

[Beograde]

Thanks, I can't believe how silly this all is. At the moment, it feels I can't go an hour without thinking about him. It's going to ruin my career here at this rate

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A thought... The e-mail he sent to you at work starting "I've been telling myself though that the only way .... etc., must surely class as an inappropriate communication between colleagues. Why not report it to HR?

[Beograde]

We don't work for the same company, we just have to work together. One problem I find is that in that short period we were together, I felt on top of the world, and since it's ended, my confidence has just plummeted.

I know I'm wallowing in this, and really dislike myself for it

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So he's a customer? A supplier? ... still makes the communication inappropriately personal. You may have felt on top of the world at the time and you may be reluctant to let go of it now but, as you have been dropped in the shit from a great height by this liar, getting him in hot water with his employers could be the start of the healing process. He's 'decided to be happy' 'it's good when you leave me alone' .... ... I think the guy needs a wake-up call.

[Beograde]

No, basically, we're two academics who are working on a project together. He is quite successful in his field, which in turn has made me feel not very good at what I do.

I don't want to go down a revenge route, just want to forget him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There is a massive difference between 'revenge' (irrational and negative) and asserting yourself in the face of someone in a position of authority who has lied to you, used you and still has the audacity to send highly personal e-mails that only make you feel like shit. It's not asserting yourself and the subsequent feeling of powerlessness that is draining your confidence. Forgetting him isn't working....

[dequoisagitil]

If you really can't get out of working with him on this project, then next time you have to email, include something like "all correspondence between us must be strictly related to the project - I will not enter discourse about our personal lives or emotions." And don't enter into it.

If you have a friend you can trust perhaps forward his emails to them for review, and they can send you an edited version if he won't stick to the rules. And tell him that's what you'll do.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

If you can't avoid contact through work, discourage any personal chit chat, tell him you share the pc, tell him your office has an open desk policy and "they" are clamping down on personal communications.

Whatever you felt for him, he repaid you by stomping on your heart.

I am not minimising how hurt and disappointed you must feel, but you know the old saying "When you fall off the horse, get back in the saddle". Get over him by degrees. Go out, socialise, do sport, spectate at a match, watch a film or show or go clubbing do not hide away or mope.

[Shirsten]

I sympathise...I'm in a similar position with someone I had a very brief relationship with. I felt really happy for about 2 weeks and am now feeling rubbish.

I wish there was a quick fix. I'm just being kind to myself at the moment and am letting myself mope a bit. It's helping. I'm having good days and bad days.

I read a book recently about breakups and there was a chapter headed:

Patient: "Doctor - it hurts when I do that".
Doctor: "Well, don't do that then!"

This was in relation to no contact.

I am the same about e-mails. We are still exchanging them but I know I need to ignore them now. Easier said than done though, I know.

The only consolation I have is that I've had bad times before after breakups and have got over them and been ok. I hope that we both get there very soon.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

Work wise, do you have a mentor, someone you look up to who you can discuss your goals with? I understand if you feel your confidence in this area has been knocked but don't let your ex or however you term him spoil this too.

[Beograde]

There is a mentor, but I don't want to let it be known why my confidence has dropped.

I find I have good days and bad days. Today seems to be a bad day, but it's like an addiction. I hear from him, and for a few days I'm fine, I have no desire to speak to him, but after about three or four days, it's like I have a craving - I wonder what he's up to? I wonder if he'd be interested to know this? I've been resisting the temptation to do this, but the thoughts just keep going around my head. I "know" it's all just a fantasy, but they were probably the two happiest weeks I've had in a very long time.

[Beograde]

Shirsten, thanks, I hope the pain eases for you. It's such a horrid feeling, and it's been going on for months. In my case, it's like there's always a little something that gives me hope

We met in June (ages ago really) had a month apart and broke up at the end of July. At the end of August, he was telling me "I've never been so happy with anyone, I think about you so much, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone".

At the start of September he went back to his Ex. At the start of October, he's telling me how his happiness is just an illusion, and how "his relationship isn't good for him". These little things just keep me hanging on.

[fromparistoberlin]

op
been there, got the t shirt! I think we all have

so fortly he is not Mr Right, as he had chosen another woman over you! You can dress it up all you like , but HE HAS CHOSEN HER, and he cheated on both of you

so, whilst i 1000% understand you have fallen for him, you need to stop idolising him as "a wonderful man that got away" and think of him as a "cheating twat that I unfortunately fell for"

Oh its so hard!!!! have faith, you will get over him

I think its natural to get on this massive high when you meet someone, and then the massive low

keep busy, stay focussed

but remeber you deserve BETTER xxx

[notanotherstatistic]

Beograde, I sympathise with you. A while ago I had a short relationship with a girl (about two months) that ended prematurely. We kept in contact afterwards and that was a big mistake. I should have gone "no contact" earlier and I would have got over her faster. The thing is I maintained a hope that we would get back together and I would scrutinise our interactions for evidence in support of this. Like you say, it's very much an addiction, with contact giving me highs, followed by horrible lows. The key to this really is to go no contact. You sound like you know what to do, but need support to go through with it. It really is hard, but you will come through this and feel glad that you maintained your resolve. I found some of the advice at the following site extremely helpful when I was recovering from my break-up:

www.soyouvebeendumped.com/

These short relationships are sometimes harder than longer ones, I think, because we are still in the euphoric phase of the relationship and we have built up a fantasy of the future. But, as you clearly recognise, that's what they are at this stage: a fantasy. You need to tell yourself that you can't possibly know whether this relationship would have had legs (if there were no complicating factors), because two weeks is far too short a time to properly get to know someone. We're all on our best behaviour early in relationships.

[Shirsten]

FromParistoBerlin to right.

We need to reframe the way that we look at them. They're not the perfect guy we think they are if they can behave like this.

When I'm feeling bored and unhappy, and I don't hear from mine, I feel worse. When I hear from him, I feel really happy so I understand what it's like feeling as if they're an addiction. Mine is far from perfect and rationally I know that but it doesn't stop me feeling pleased to hear from him.

I really a really good book on breakups recently. I'll dig it out tonight and will post you a link to it.

[Beograde]

Thanks, I think I've read somewhere that love in the early stages is basically an addiction - by acting on the same part of the brain as drugs.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

He tells you "his relationship isn't good for him" and presumes this will keep you dangling hoping for more.



That's not being kind to you, giving you hope, that's poking you with a pointy stick.

[Beograde]

PS, I'm watching the video on you've been dumped.com - I think I'm somewhere on stages 4 (why?) and then stages 6 (rage!) stages 7 (torture - cyber snooping) and stage 11 - (the down phase!)

[geegee888]

Its amazing the number of guys who "forget" they're already in a relationship when on holiday/work trip. They seem to justify it if they're not married.

Avoid, avoid, avoid all contact, as above.

Or, if you are a thick skinned, determined person, with time to spare, if you really think he is the one, go after him. I know a couple of women who did this and who eventually "got their man". Took them a lot of time and effort but they say they are happy now.

[Beograde]

Geegee, your option 1 is what I should do - Option 2 is what I'm (wrongly) hoping for

[Shirsten]

Beograde - here is the book I mentioned yesterday.

How are you doing today?

www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Perhaps we should make a pact together to not contact our respective guys?