My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"You're rushing me" / "let's get married!" / "it's moving too fast" / "lets buy a house!" WHY???

34 replies

CabbagePatchWoman · 23/10/2012 08:27

Partner and I have been together about 9 months (but known each other longer) and throughout these 9 months he's persistently wobbled between wanting it all to more or less wanting to break up. It drives me insane. A few months ago he told me he wanted to live with me and as the location of the house was more important for me, I should start looking in to what is available. I had a brief look on the internet, fed back what I'd found only for him to say "yeah but all that is months away, it's too soon yet for us to be thinking about that" - so why ask me to do that then??

So I forgot about it and then a few weeks later he was saying "When I get my deposit together, you ARE moving in with me, arn't you?" - I replied with "you said it was too soon" and he said "nooo I meant it would be too soon to do it right now, in a few months though when I have saved up my deposit?"

So I got confused - and half heartedly agreed that we could think about it then.

Then - he asked me to marry him (not a proper proposal to be fair, seemed half hearted and a bit of a joke so I laughed and asked if he was being serious - he said "no, we hardly know each other!" - what a cuntish thing to do??!!

So I cooled it right off in my head, too many mind games. So we went out one night, he got drunk and started more or less saying that I was rushing him into things and if I wasn't happy with the slow pace HE wanted to travel at, we'd have to break up. So confused!! I said it's not ME that keeps going on about moving in together, it's HIM. So he said "yeah well if that's the case, just take what I say with a pinch of salt, I just get excited about our relationship sometimes I speak bullshit".

So again, I cool it right off in my head. 2 weeks later, we're driving somewhere and he starts going on about houses and says "well, if we're going to be together, we might as well live together? you still want that, right?"

What the fuck is he trying to do to me???? I just said "well we'll see how it goes shall we, don't want to rush into anything Hmm

Now, I started a new job yesterday, was nervous as hell, tired as fook when I got in (13 hour shift) and all I could think about all day was how nice it would be to go home to him Sad

What IS he trying to do to me?? or is it me?? do men often say stuff they don't mean and therefore is it my fault for taking it too seriously?

OP posts:
Report
worldgonecrazy · 23/10/2012 08:32

He is a child who is playing very basic mind games. Either he needs to grow up or you need to get out of the relationship.

Do you really want to go home, after a tiring day at work, to someone who delights in fucking up your head?

Report
Leverette · 23/10/2012 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ErikNorseman · 23/10/2012 08:34

No, men don't say stuff they don't mean as a rule, unless they are childish or cruel. Which is he? I'm guessing a bit of both. He doesn't want what you want does he? He's playing games with your feelings which is horrible.

Report
TiAAAAARGHo · 23/10/2012 08:43

If he didn't keep doing it I'd say he was just being a bit of a twat. Repeat offending however makes me think he is trying to play with your mind.

If you want to stay in the relationship, I recommend being as non-committal as possible when he starts. It will then become quickly clear whether he is doing this deliberately (as he will be visible unsettled by your lack of reaction).

Report
xkcdfangirl · 23/10/2012 08:47

He certainly sounds childish and cruel to me. He's messing with you because he wants to see if you have low enough self-esteem to stop caring about your own needs and wants and allow him to be totally in control. He wants any advances in your relationship to be totally at his say-so and does not value you as a human being. Get out and find a grown up nice person to have a relationship with.

Report
CabbagePatchWoman · 23/10/2012 08:48

He does become unsettled when I don't react. With the last example "we might as well move in together" - "lets just see how it goes, wouldn't want to rush in to anything" - he became a bit anxious and started saying "if you still want to know me by then, if you're not fed up of me by then ... " almost as if he was trying to get a confirmation that I was still wrapped up in him.

The truth is, I am. So much. But I feel like I have to hide it and in turn - that makes me just as bad as him. But I feel forced into it.

Another thing, he often sends me texts saying stuff like "Missing you xxx" and I reply "missing you too xxx" - but you can guarantee if I send HIM a text saying "missing you xxx" first, he won't respond. Perfect example last night, I was tired and feeling a bit emotional. He sent me a text asking if I was tired, I replied "yes but missing you xxx" - he replied "I'm so tired I could sleep for a month"

If I'm nice to him FIRST - he ignores me. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2012 08:52

It's not 'men'.... it's this man that is contradicting himself by backpedalling on decisions, making half-hearted promises, backing off from committment and generally not knowing his arse from his elbow. I'm hacked off with him just reading that short paragraph. Can't imagine what it would be like to be you OP.

You can't have a successful relationship with someone like that because they are completely unreliable and you'd spend your life second-guessing them. They'd be no support in a crisis. You wouldn't know if you were coming or going. Whether it's deliberate head-fuckery or not, I don't know. Doubt it, however.

In your shoes I'd be staying well and truly independent, forging my own life my own way, living where I chose, doing as I pleased and letting him go off and be contradictory somewhere else.

Report
CabbagePatchWoman · 23/10/2012 09:20

Cogito you are so spot on, I do spend my life second guessing everything. I'm so tired of it. I really needed him yesterday and it just seemed like I was texting a mate.

I'm gutted because we have a holiday of a lifetime planned for next year and I can't see us lasting that long Sad I can't do this much longer, it's destroying me. At one time I would have thought to myself "but I'll never find anyone like him again" but now I think "you know what, there must be less fucked up single men walking around - how nice would it be to have a relationship with someone who doesn't blow hot and cold every 5 minutes?"

I do love him but he's driving me insane. Everything is always up in the air with him. We plan something and then I'm left thinking "did he REALLY want to go ahead with those plans or is he likely to go cold on the idea by tomorrow?"

It's like when we have a day of lovey dovey texting which leads me to think "aww he really does love me!" - I now go to bed thinking "Don't read too much into those texts, he'll be totally different tomorrow." And I'm always right.

It's certainly taking the excitement out of everything because I'm starting to realise that most of it is bullshit, no matter how sweet it seems at the time.

OP posts:
Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2012 09:24

What is there to love about this man exactly?.

Love your own self for a change.

I would raise your own relationship bar a lot higher than it already is and work on reviving your own self esteem and worth as such men can really give that a battering.

Go on this holiday of a lifetime on your own!.

Report
blazingoreos · 23/10/2012 09:32

WHY DO YOU POST THE SAME THING EVERY FEW DAYS?

It is SO odd. You post EXACTLY the same issue and people advise. You then go quiet when people point out you've posted countless times before. And then, a few days later, here you are again.

Is it because you don't like the answers? Or because you're looking for some definitive answer?

Report
SundaysGirl · 23/10/2012 09:36

Nah he's a heafuck. You know it. Whether he intends to be or not doesn't really matter. He obviously wants you proclaiming undying love for him so he can feel good about that ego wise and be in total control of the relationship.

Listen to what you are posting...you KNOW there are men out there who will treat you nicely and wont fuck with your head. You've typed it so you know it, now you just need to stop the 'what ifs' which are stopping you from breaking away from him completley.

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2012 09:47

Keeping on posting will not change this man's character, however much you wish it would. Nine months is enough to judge someone's personality and expecting someone's personality to change is a vain hope. Prevarication and procrastination on your part just means you waste yet another week/month/year/decade that could be spent happily in search of a better candidate for life partner.

Report
helpyourself · 23/10/2012 09:55

He sounds like really hard work.
Unless there's great things about him I'd dump him. And then please, take a break and work out what you want from a relationship and any patterns you can see.

Report
TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 23/10/2012 10:14

I had a Feeling it was the same OP, AGAIN.

The last post confirmed it. OP just changes the length of time of the relationship but everything else is exactly the same.

Seriously OP, get a grip and have the balls the walk away from him. This has been going on since day one.

Report
SweetSeraphim · 23/10/2012 10:17

Listen love, I had one of those a couple of years ago, and it proper messed with my head. I was a mess by the end, and I just don't DO that.

It was the ladies here that gave me the strength and support to end it, and I've never looked back. I'm now living with a wonderful dp who says what he means, and means what he says. I've never been more content.

Just get rid of the fucker. No good can come of it, I'm telling you.

Report
Helltotheno · 23/10/2012 10:43

Three words: Gaslighting... twunt.... dump...

Stop being wishy washy and waiting for this prat to dictate your life. Just either ditch him or continue to use him for sex.

Report
Helltotheno · 23/10/2012 10:44

On second thoughts, you don't sound like the type who could do the latter and stay sane so go with the former.

Report
Kewcumber · 23/10/2012 10:49

Are you going out with my ex? Is he in property?

I spent two years being messed around and I'm ashamed of that. Now I would say NO eg:

"we might as well move in together" - NO
"WHy not" - because you're not stable enough

"well, if we're going to be together, we might as well live together? you still want that, right?" - NO
"what?!" - NO you're not stable enough.

It will take about 2 years (and a few mini0-break ups) until you are a basket case and then you will realise that even if you love him you're actually happier without him at which point you will end it and nothing will convince you to take him back.

Or you could save yourself two years and do it now. But I doubt you will, I didn't.

Report
AMumInScotland · 23/10/2012 10:58

As others have said -

"Men" don't do this. This particular man is doing this. Plenty of men don't.

He is either doing it deliberately - blowing hot and cold so you don't know where you stand. And/or he is an immature manchild who doesn't know what he wants from one day to the next.

Either way, he is not a good candidate for a relationship.

But if you've been told that lots of times before, then I think you need to look at yourself more than him, and work out why it is that you don't have the self-confidence to deal with the situation. Have a think about your past relationships, and maybe your relationship with your father or other important men in your life. What is it that makes you put up with this? Is insecurity something you are used to, so you don't see it for what it is?

Or do you like the drama of this kind of relationship, and think "dysfunctional" = "romantic"? Plenty of women have grown up under the impression that nice guys are "boring" so being treated like shit seems to prove that your man is "exciting" and "unpredictable", which is of course so much more in keeping with "romance" than a steady relationship where you are supportive and loving towards each other.

You need to consider what it is that keeps you in a relationship you are repeatedly questioning. When you understand that, you'll be able to move on.

Report
Pagwatch · 23/10/2012 11:05

He is flakey or a wanker. Take your pick.

You may stay chose to with him but expect no support.

Report
MardyArsedMidlander · 23/10/2012 11:26

"At one time I would have thought to myself "but I'll never find anyone like him again"

Nah, don't worry about that. There are literally 1000s of game playing immature wankers like this out there. In fact, I bet nearly every woman on this site has been out with one of them at one time or another. Wink

Try playing 'Don't think twice- it's alright'. I don't even like Bob dylan- but the line 'You just kind of wasted my precious time' hit me with the force of a truck...

Report
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2012 11:35

You again ?

Dump him

Again

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mantlepiece · 23/10/2012 11:56

This man is a "player". He does not love you or anyone else. He loves himself.

No matter that you love him, he will not change.

Most men are not like this. You need to develop your bullshit radar, ditch him, and use the experience to never get involved with this type of man again.

Good luck

Report
Thumbwitch · 23/10/2012 12:06

"At one time I would have thought to myself "but I'll never find anyone like him again"

You'd want to hope not!
He sounds like a proper "run for the hills" case - so do it. And if this is the nth time you've been told this then why the fuck are you still posting? People on here aren't suddenly going to change their mind over stuff like this - no one is going to say "ah poor love, he sounds like he just needs some reassurance and you'll be fine" - because it won't happen.

All his games just suggest that he's going to be a fuck of a lot worse if you ever do move in together - so don't. Just dump his sorry arse.

Report
Kewcumber · 23/10/2012 12:07

"but I'll never find anyone like him again"

I didn't.

Hurrah!

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.