'D'P thinks im unreasonable - Hoping I am actaully would be easier

[ChristineDaae]

Right so yet ANOTHER argument about the same old thing tonight. Can someone please tell me if I'm in the wrong here? Sorry this might be long but don't want to drip feed!
I work early shifts (7-2) every day and have an evening job (6-11.30/12) 3 nights a week.
DP works 9-6 Mon-Fri. Every lunch time he goes the pub. On evenings i work he comes straight home to mind our DD. Any nights hes not working he goes the pub for an hour. Meaning he gets home just before our DD is going to bed.
Weekends - he probably goes the pub for a couple of hours one day, not at all the next. Some weekends he doesn't go. Today hes been out fixing his car, then in bed, tonight doing a shift as a favour to the pub hes always at, so had a nap between.
He says I am unreasonable as its 'only an hour' and he deserves time to himself.
Just in case it makes a difference, he drinks at home too so not like its something he can only do at the pub.
Apparently I'm selfish and expect him to spend every moment of every day with us...
Can someone please tell me if I'm wrong for wanting him to WANT to spend time with his family?

[0liverb0liverbuttface]

YANBU - he sounds selfish

[Lueji]

Yanbu

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

YANBU. How much of today did he spend with you and DD? And how much time (including fiddling with the car) did he have to himself?

[WinklyFriedChicken]

You're working 2 jobs and looking after your child. He's at the pub, if I have this right, around 8 times a week. That sounds incredibly excessive and he sounds (at best) very selfish.

[legoballoon]

YANBU on many levels. If he's having a pint each time he visits the pub, you're looking at £3 x (5 lunchtime visits + 4 evening visits) = £27 a week, minimum. Whilst you're out doing (7hrs x 5 days a week) + (4.5 hours x 3 nights a week) = 47.5 hours paid work weekly, so I'm guessing cash is an issue too.

He does 45 hours a week. If he spent less time in the pub, you might have to earn less and therefore do fewer hours yourself and still make ends meet.

If he spent less time in the pub, you'd actually have some time together on your evenings off and at the weekend. He doesn't sound much like he considers you or your DD, and thinks he can live the single life whilst you pick up the slack.

So, no, I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

[TeaBrick]

You're working 2 jobs to pay for his drinking!

[duffedup]

I think everybody deserves time to themselves to do there own thing. i do not understand this mentality about going to the pub though. especially if you are not going with friends. my EXh used to this for years after work everyday on his lunch break, on his day of sometimes for an hour or a couple of hours, he would also bring cans home, he was and alcoholic and the whole i need my time or i work hard i deserve it, or i have had a good day/bad day or whatever all were just the excuses behind going for a drink. he wasn't going fishing after all. i became fed up of coming second place to the pub and his "friend" (enablers) it only got worse he would go to the shop for milk and come back 5 hours later or two days later. I understand that my experiences are extreme but it always rings alarm bells for me when this is the only way for a person to have there time and they get very angry if you ask them to deviate from it.

[ChristineDaae]

Thanks all, nice to know I'm not actually a selfish bitch!! Yes i have made the point of cash, he actually tried to tell me tonight that he doesn't drink of a lunch time (HAHA) I've known him 11 years and never once known him be able to go to a pub and not drink.
He does have a drink problem, to the extent he cant go a day without a drink but not as far as it affects his work/ time with DD as he usually waits till she goes to bed (at 7pm)
I said something tonight about drinking and got an 'oh yeah' and eye my glass of wine. I only ever drink of a weekend, tonight is a glass of wine with xfactor. I very rarely finish a bottle over the course of a weekend, he goes through usually 2 a night...every night.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And you are with him now because...

This is no ideal environment for you or your child; your man's primary relationship is with drink.

[duffedup]

my ex use to do that all the time when i confronted him about his drinking he would deflect it and say you drink. there is drinking and there is drinking everyday. it wasn't a problem for my ex either at first then he left his job and got another, got fired hasn't got another since. drinks more now than ever. you dont have to defend your drinking no one questions your drinking, except him when you question his.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Yep you're basically working a second job to pay for his drinking... Even if he goes to the pub and has a soft drink.

YANBU.

[ChristineDaae]

Ok just to be fair I'll also give his side -
He gets up with DD every morning to get her ready fir nursery (she gets a lift with a friend)
He goes to work every day
He spends his lunch time with his 'mates' (bar staff)
He always pays his share of the bills.
Hes having a rough time at work.
He looks after DD 2/3 evenings a week when I'm in work.He never has 'nigths out' like out till silly am on a Saturday (i do occasionally, like once every few months for friends bdays etc)
He used to be much worse (drugs when MUCH younger, out every weekend BEFORE dd stuff like that)
I've been with him 10 years and never had a problem before (I have, since i was pregnant and grew the hell up!) and we have has a ton of arguments about it.
I am hard to live with (because I have a problem with his drinking/time spent at the pub)

[legoballoon]

I don't think the last sentence makes much sense. If you're hard to live with because you leave mess everywhere and fart like a horse, fair enough. But you can't be 'hard to live with' just because you are concerned about the amount of time and money he wastes at the pub. As partners you're supposed to be able to talk about how the relationship works - it's not 'nagging' it's communicating, so don't be fobbed off by that accusation.

[duffedup]

that is all well and good none of the things he does makes it ok for him to make you feel second best. you work 2 jobs plus you look after your dd. he spends every lunch with his "mates" he will always make you feel second best to alcohol unless he stops.

[ChristineDaae]

yep 2 bottles most nights, sometimes he falls asleep before he finishes the 2nd bottle.
I don't know what to do, I live somewhere pretty expensive, would need to keep my 2nd job to afford rent, would need to keep current hours at work to afford childcare... what do i do with my DD?!

[ChristineDaae]

NOT in a do i leave her way!!!! Just in a logistics are a nightmare way :(

[legoballoon]

2 bottles of wine a night! Sorry, didn't clock that in your OP. That's an addiction rather than a habit.

Clearly money and childcare would be an issue if you were on your own - but are you saying that those are the only reasons you're in this relationship?

[Fairylea]

That's ridiculous. I left my ex for similar behaviour. My dh never ever sets foot in a pub unless it's with me on a rare evening out together or for a special work night out.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Everyone is correct - you are paying for his alcohol!

Cash it up in writing, and see how it compares to your earnings, after full tax on your second job.

Then show it to him and insist he sits up and takes notice.

Dh and I have stopped drinking, we've finally realised that for us, it's a totally pointless pursuit. We are so much better off this year.

[duffedup]

agreed my dp is the exact opposite, when he goes out he comes back when he says he doesn't drink for weeks at a time, he can have one drink and no more. we can go out and he can have a great night and not drink at all. so all the bullshit they spew about it is just crap. it just what they need.

[ChristineDaae]

Sorry I didn't specify in my OP how much it was at home. He says that as he's not in the pub getting drunk all the time its not an issue (he just does it at home intead) and my favourite - he has a 'high tolerance' for ale so 2 bottles isn't that much...
Lego - its one of the few reasons I'm still here. The others being I really want my DD to have her parents together, and I've been with him since I was really young so don't really know what I would do if I was single!
Ha - we are supposed to be getting married next year, what a joke :(

[ChristineDaae]

Sorry my spelling is awful tonight!

[DontmindifIdo]

Hmm, if you left him/threw out his drunken arse, the hours you work would have to change, could you start looking for another job with more office hours? Is what you do somehting that can only be done in 'normal' hours?

Is the childcare issue the only thing keeping you with him? Then long term it has to end.

[legoballoon]

Christine, I'm sorry to hear that. Think very carefully before you tie yourself to this man legally. If the relationship is that bad now, it's time to put the brakes on your wedding plans, IMHO.

These words I speak from experience. Happily, there is life after rubbish relationships, so don't let fear stop you from dealing with things, if you need to. Personally there is a difference between bringing up your DD in a happy home with 2 parents, and an unhappy home with 2 parents (one of whom is alcoholic). Far better, IMHO, to show her a strong, independent role model of a mum. Good luck.