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unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

(94 Posts)
lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 15:35:18

I found out yesterday that I?m pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I?m about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I?ve been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he?s living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we?ve talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We?re very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don?t coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn?t see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I?m only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.
I agree that the timing couldn?t be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can?t help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don?t know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I?m really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn?t want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don?t want to force him into a situation he doesn?t want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don?t know what to do.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:00:05

Yes, I feel guilty about miscalculating, and I feel loyalty toward my DP's preference. I know I'll regret any decision I don't make for myself, though.

I'm sure I don't want to be a mother right now. I do, however, want to be a mother in the future.

I'm struggling because I don't know how I truly feel about abortion.

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:09:36

With all due respect OP, trying to get clever or logical about what the pill does, when you don't take it, is a red herring.
Though incidentally you're wrong - or rather, not completely right. The combined pill does act to reduce chance of a fertilized egg implanting - but primarily it seeks to prevent ovulation in the first place. It also changes your cervical mucous to make it less hospitable to sperm too - preventing fertilization.

Stop thinking about the pill, and think about what you want. You HAVE to make your decision based on potentially doing it alone. I made my decision on that, despite being married and having IVF. Ideally Inez's partner will be there - but it's never guaranteed.

If you don't want a baby now, you don't have to have one. I suggest you see a counsellor though, as you sound like you're likely to blame yourself whatever you do. Be careful choosing a counseling service / some are fronts for awful hard line pro lifers (or rather, women's choice deniers)

Once you' know your decision, PLEASE at the right time - get your GP's advice on contraception. You need to understand it better than you do to make good choices.

Good luck.

mouldyironingboard Thu 04-Oct-12 13:16:54

Do you have anyone in real life you could talk to? Perhaps your GP can put you in contact with someone who can discuss everything with you properly.

My question to you is what if this is your only chance to ever have a child? A termination is a huge step to take if you aren't 100% sure about it. This is your body and ultimately your decision to make. If your partner says he will support your decision, that is a good sign that he will help you out both financially and practically if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

itsallinmyhead Thu 04-Oct-12 13:18:45

Here here Cabrinha You won't hear anything more 'right' in regards to balanced, unbiased support OP.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:51

I already know I don't want a baby right now-- single or not.

How do I decide how I feel about abortion, though?

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:23:20

Can I just add, there is NO shame in changing your position on something. You could have been a fervent marching placard carrying pro lifer. Doesn't matter. This is your choice now, and it's a hard one - but if you choose not to continue with the pregnancy, it simply doesn't matter if that means you now question your beliefs. It's very emotive, no-one truly knows til they're faced with it. But we all live and learn and grow - doing something that is not what you previously believed, doesn't make you a bad person.

nowwearefour Thu 04-Oct-12 13:26:54

the thing that strikes me is within the period you think you might want children, how is it going to be 'good timing' with your dp having a 3 yr old in another place? i think you cant wait 15 yrs for his 3yr old ds to grow up? os you will work out the options but you cant have a relationship with someone you will grow to resent more and more. you should just do what YOU want and if he is decent (which he sounds) then he will stand by you. dont abort just because of the timing and him. do what is best for you.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:27:51

Yes. I understand that fully now and wish I didn't.

I'm genuinely struggling right now, though. I don't know how I feel or think. I'm not masking an obvious shift from "pro-life" to "pro-choice."

I truly don't know how I feel, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

lemoncookie Thu 04-Oct-12 13:28:40

I'm going to be gone for a couple hours. Thank you for your responses.

Cabrinha Thu 04-Oct-12 13:31:34

You also don't need to have a set position on abortion - except the position that it should be every person's individual choice.
I'm 37, I've had a miscarriage, and been through IVF - I still couldn't tell you how I feel about abortion,
Before my miscarriage, I was waiting for my scan, and the sonography asked the standard question about markers for Down's, and did we want to know? I said yes, believing I'd probably terminate. 10 minutes later and I knew the pregnancy was over already. I kicked myself thinking "why did you even think about abortion, you'd have ANY baby back right now". 2 years later... You know what, we asked for tests again.
My opinion changed - I was back to thinking it could make a difference to my decision.
Sorry to go on about me - I just want to show, that views change. I'm not a weak person, or a hypocrite. I'm human.
If you continue the pregnancy, very likely you'll be glad you did - but with some sadness perhaps at timing, especially if your relationship is under stress.
If you don't continue, again very likely you'll be glad you did. But I expect it will take longer to feel that way.
Please though, PLEASE - an abortion now doesn't take away your right to have a baby in the future. It really doesn't.

itsallinmyhead Thu 04-Oct-12 13:31:51

You speak to an abortion counselling service. If you're in the UK, the NHS website would be the best place to start.

Just a thought. Abortion must be one of the hardest decisions and actions a woman might ever make....the alternative is to potentially bring an unwanted life into the world & resent it?

I'm not in your shoes, but I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my second child. My daughter is 14 & I believed I never wanted another.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked & scared but I knew I wanted my baby...regardless of what my DP preferred.

That was the right choice for me & I'm lucky my DP felt the same but my decision wasn't going to be changed if he didn't.

You need to make the best choice for you & if you are saying you don't want this baby. Go seek specialist support to guide you through your options.

Best wishes

MouMouCow Thu 04-Oct-12 13:36:19

Lemon, I also had an unwanted pregnancy and DP absolutely freaked out at the news. We were in our late 30s that's about the only difference with your case. I wasn't too sure what to do and my GP recommended counselling. I didn't take her up on the offer, but gave myself time to sleep on it and think it through. I eventually decided to keep the baby and go through with it, despite the lack of family support close by.
DP fell in love with DS the moment he saw him, he actually fainted in the delivery room. Up until that point he thought we had done a terrible mistake. After holding DS though I could see that he had no regrets.
DS is now 18 months old and is adored by both his mummy and his daddy. it is hard working full time and looking after a baby, it is expensive and the lack of help means we don't get a break, not even for an hour on week ends. But then I don't see DS all day during the week as I'm at work so I wouldn't want to also not see him in the evening or during the little time we have together during week ends.
Don't rush into things, you may very well change your mind a few times, it is an overwhelming news and you are clever enough to know your life as you know it will be dramatically changed. But I've never loved like this before and I knew when I carried him that his life deserved a chance (I was 38 though so had less of a chance of conceiving again). It has also helped DP learn to love. He comes from a very toxic family and I can see how DS is reconciling him with himself (funnily enough). Anyway, this is my story... A long winded way to say, take your time. You are only two weeks pregnant, you have about 2 months to decide. Men tend to freak out at the prospect and yes, your travel plans might have to be delayed for a while. But ultimately, if you decide to go through it you will fnd a way to lead the life you want. Good luck in whatever you decide.

tabbycat15 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:11:53

Just wondering how you are. I had a surprise pregnancy & we considered termination. I was still very ill with PND & I was just getting stable on the right combination of anti depressants. My psychiatrist was very worried & for a few weeks we couldn't decide. Dh was all for the termination at the beginning. I was going to go through with it as I thought that was what he wanted & for our situation at the time. We had the 12 week scan & when we saw the heartbeat I started to cry & Dh whispered to me we are keeping it. We don't regret having her at all.

Could you have some counselling to see if that would help?

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 13:42:49

I feel very depressed. I had an appointment a few days ago to confirm everything and to see how far along I was. I had another urine but the line was very faint. My doctor did an ultrasound and an internal exam and couldn't find the pregnancy.

She feels it's either a miscarriage in the works or an ectopic pregnancy.

They've been monitoring my blood, and I have another appointment tomorrow for an additional ultrasound and internal exam.

Personally, I feel like it's just taken this long for the pregnancy to take hold. I feel very strongly that I ovulated late in my cycle and that even though I'm supposed to be a little over 6 weeks along (from the date of my last period), I feel that I'm only a little over two weeks along. I don't feel that there's anything wrong with the pregnancy and that I'm still going to have to make a decision.

I'm hoping my doctor is right, but I know in my heart that there's nothing wrong, and I'm still going to be faced with this decision.

I'm on the brink of tears every minute.

I've already investigated taking the abortion pill and have that scheduled for the upcoming weekend.

I don't know if I can go through with it. I also know I don't want to be a parent.

tabbycat15 Mon 08-Oct-12 14:18:03

Thanks for updating. I've been thinking if you & wondered how you were.
How has your partner been since you have been to the Dr?
You must be all over the place with everything are you close with your mum? Do you have a friend that you can talk to about things?
I know when we were thinking about a termination that even though I thought it was what Dh wanted I just had a nagging feeling that I couldn't go through with it. Our Dr saw us a few times & said most people come in & say that's what they want but he could see we were dithering so gave us more time. I think if you are dithering then you really don't want a termination deep down.

I know it's a hard decision & it feels that whatever way you choose us wrong but just go with your heart what you really want to do.

Brodicea Mon 08-Oct-12 14:52:19

Oh Lemon what a dilemma.
Take each day as it comes - see if there is anything wrong first and then, as everyone else has said, take time to think this through.

Everyone has such different experiences to offer, but I had a termination when I was 17 and while I felt it was the right thing at the time (and still do in my rational mind) I still mourned for the baby, and have never forgotten to count the age of the imaginary child; and now, many moons later, I am trying to have a baby, I still feel like I don't 'deserve' to have a healthy baby. I had no idea that abortion would not just erase my mistake, it would be a source of continuing sadness in my heart, although my head knows it was right.
Now for my one story, you will get many more where abortion was the right choice and no regrets at all - it sounds though like your heart may well want this baby, and you will find the strength to keep it if you choose to. Not to sound too cheesy, but you need to go with your gut instinct.

runningforme Mon 08-Oct-12 14:54:08

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your confusion and distress. I just want to share a potted version of my situation. I was at uni when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't abort, so went ahead with the pregnancy and my fiancée and I went on to marry when DS was 3 months old. We were broke and had to scrape together to survive. But we did. Dh finished uni, we both got jobs. All this despite finding out, when DS was 6 months, that I was pregnant again. I was devastated but knew that, again, I couldn't abort. So we worked hard and rode out the ups and (many) downs. We both had dreams of travel and careers,and you know what? We have travelled plenty. It took saving and creativity and sacrifice,but we have travelled both with and without the kids. 3 years ago I got pregnant again - finally a planned pregnancy! When dd2 was 6 months Dh was offered a job abroad. So we upped sticks, gave up everything we had and moved halfway round the world with the 3 kids and started from scratch. It was the perfect combo of career and travel.
I'm writing all this to say that kids do not have to mean the end of dreams and plans. It takes sacrifice and a little creativity, but things are still possible.

Just take your time to really soul search. Your dp could walk away regardless of your decision, so this has to be about YOU and what you can live with. Best of luck x

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 15:51:52

I broke down on the way to my appointment a few days ago and told my DP that I felt an enormous amount of pressure from him to abort. He told me he still holds to his preference of abortion but that it is entirely my choice and that he will support me if I choose to have this baby.

He told me the most important thing to him is me, and I believe him.

MummysHappyPills Mon 08-Oct-12 17:11:35

I also agree that a baby is not a barrier to travel or a career. I took a year out if med school to have dd, after being with dp 3 months. I am just starting my second year back, and going to India on my elective next year with dp and dd in tow, he is just taking his al in one big chunk.

MummysHappyPills Mon 08-Oct-12 17:12:50

I'm so sorry, I didn't read you earlier update. sad Hope things work out.

pushchairbore Mon 08-Oct-12 17:14:39

If they think it may be ectopic they really shouldn't have sent you home. That can turn serious very very quickly

lemoncookie Mon 08-Oct-12 18:33:26

My doctor just called, and the pregnancy is normal. My levels are doubling. I knew it was normal.... I seriously ovulated two days before my missed period-- i know it. This is just unbelievable to me.

tabbycat15 Tue 09-Oct-12 05:51:11

How are you feeling about things now the Dr has called with the results?

lemoncookie Wed 10-Oct-12 13:52:20

I went in for a second ultrasound and internal exam yesterday. I went to the hospital since my doctor said the equipment there is more advanced. The conclusion is that I'm 3 weeks pregnant (gestational).

That would mean that I'm 5 weeks if you count the 2 weeks before I was actually pregnant.

That confirms that I got pregnant 2 days before my missed period.

The pregnancy isn't showing a baby yet, though. From what I read, it's probably too early for it to show up. There's a sac, but they were unable to identify anything inside the sac.

I'm scheduled for another exam next week.

I'm just beside myself on what to do.

Yesterday my boyfriend laid down next to me and told me that there's no reason we can't have the baby. He said he's thought about it, and he is certain that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He mentioned that I have excellent medical coverage, and that we both have good paying jobs. He said the timing is awful but that no one is ever really ready for a baby. He told me we can give it a horrible name and raise it and let his older son beat the hell out of it. (He said the last part to make me laugh).

I have never felt more loved in all my life. I know he meant every word and that it was sincerely said and meant because he was watching me struggle.

Prior, I felt that he was only telling me it was my choice because he knew that was the right thing to say. Now, I know that he has 100% given me permission to have this baby. And I am 100% certain now that he is the man I will marry. No one has ever loved me so selflessly. This baby will complicate everything in our lives right now, and he doesn't care.

I feel freed to make my own choice. However, I'm still struggling. If I'm being 100% honest, I don't want to have this baby. I'm not ready to be a mother. I want to get rid of it before I see a baby or hear a heartbeat.

Then, I get emotional and remember that I'd be destroying a potential life that my DP and I created. I remember that I want to be a mother someday. I question whether abortion is right and moral.

I don't know how to make this decision on my own, but I have to make it on my own.

tabbycat15 Wed 10-Oct-12 15:08:17

Thanks for updating. It seems that your dp has come round to the idea now but I can see that you are still confused. Could you ask at the hospital if they have any counselling? Talking to someone may help you work things out.

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