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Am I getting this all wrong? Can't see any red flags.

(51 Posts)
MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 06:58:25

I've been reading lots of threads in the relationship section, including the one on 'red flags'.
I'm trying to look back to the early days with my H to see if there were any red flags that I ignored or missed but there is honestly nothing. 
He never, ever loses his temper. I can scream and shout, even throw things and he stays very calm and controlled. He never breaks things or destroys my belongings. He makes huge efforts with my family and friends. They all think he is really nice, one of the good guys. 
He doesn't control my money, or restrict what I do. 
He is never jealous, to the point where it's a bit weird. 
Even my cpn thinks he is perfect. He has actually described us as the perfect little family. 

But he assaulted me when I slept and even took photos.  

I now I found thd courage to end it I find myself estrange from my family and I've lost contact with my friends. 

And he won't fucking go away. He keeps coming round to 'see the kids' but he'll start making a meal or doing the dishes. 

It's like he's trying to make himself Indispensable. 

He talks and acts like we are still a family. 

There's lots of other little things too and it's really messing with my head. I'm starting to doubt myself. Did I over react to things?

Plus people who know we've separated keep  going on about how bloody nice he is. And I can't tell them what he really did. I've really struggled with poor mental health over the past 3 years and my sister has actually intimated that she thinks the reason I've ended my marriage is because I'm having another break down sad 

I don't know what I'm doing. 

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 07:30:07

'Red flags' are more the signs to look for in a sustained campaign of low-level or escalating bad behaviour. What happened to you was a straightforward criminal act and outwardly nice well-balanced people are quite capable of being criminals with no prior warning. Like many abusers, he's gambling that you will keep his secret for him. He knows your personality and your weaknesses and I expect he's fully aware that you'll be doubting yourself this way.... it's extremely cruel and I suspect the reason for him acting so normally is precisely to wear you down and wonder if you're overreacting.

I'm very sorry your family & friends have taken his side over yours. To get some peace & some progress you'll have to overcome your reluctance to talk & tell people what he actually did. Probably starting with your CPN. Womens Aid may also have some good advice for you. Are you already talking to a solicitor about divorce? If so, and if you share this information, you can get him excluded from your home.

Good luck

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 07:45:56

Why is he having contact with the dc in your home? He can collect them on the doorstep and return them without having to enter your home.

Does he have a key? If so, change the locks?

Tell your CPN the truth behind your separation and start building the courage to let others know what he's like behind the Mr Good Guy mask.

As for your sister, either tell her to zip it or tell her that the reason you're no longer with him is because he's a pervert.

redadmiralsinthegarden Mon 01-Oct-12 07:53:08

I don't really have anything to add, Miss, but I'm so sorry that you've been through such a horrible experience. I agree with Cognito in that he is trying to make you doubt yourself.
remember though, YOU found the courage to end it. YOU are the strong one. focus on that and your DCs.
thanks

cozietoesie Mon 01-Oct-12 07:57:31

Have you written everything down, MissJayTea, including the 'little things' ? Put up a document on word processing and add to it as you remember. (Keep it on a flash drive so that he couldn't see it if he was to access your computer.) It doesn't need to be a 'literary work' - just a quick paragraph here and there of your thoughts/memories as something springs to mind.

Very often, that can help the whole mass of the picture become apparent - so that you can stop doubting yourself; and it also stops you saying 'lots of things' as your only answer when someone asks you what the problems were.

I'm not suggesting that you show it to anyone but simply having it all brought together can be good for you and might enable you to talk about it more easily to others when you need to.

Lots of luck. I know the problems with that sort of situation.

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 08:07:51

I will write all the little things down. There are lots of things where I wonder if I'm paranoid or imagining it.

He has contact in my house because I don't trust him with the children so I can't leave them unsupervised with him. Several weeks ago he admitted to having inappropriate feelings towards my teenage dd. this is the thing that made me snap and throw him out.

Have to take dd to nursery but I'll be back later. When I've written stuff down.

CailinDana Mon 01-Oct-12 08:18:27

There won't necessarily be any obvious "red flags." The boyfriend who raped me as I slept was kind, generous, a great listener, and generally a great boyfriend. I look back now and realise he had some nasty traits that only showed themselves very briefly at times, so briefly I could dismiss them easily.

Do you want to talk about what he did to you? Why are keen to see the red flags?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 08:50:31

You don't have to give him contact either in or out of your home. This is easier if you have formalised the whole thing. Are you talking to a solicitor yet?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 08:50:32

You don't have to give him contact either in or out of your home. This is easier if you have formalised the whole thing. Are you talking to a solicitor yet?

NarcolepsyQueen Mon 01-Oct-12 09:00:32

You could arrange for him to see them at a contact centre - that was he is supervised (but you won't have to see him)

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 10:17:20

I haven't spoken to a solicitor yet. Im too nervous about everything. Im frightened of speaking out because I don't know if Im getting this wrong or not.

Im keen to see the red flags because in my heart I still feel like he is a good man who slipped up. I know this isnt right but I need to just have it clear in my head. Seeing the red flags will add to my confidence about doing the right thing.

I have so many things going round in my head Im just going to write it all as a list.

Ok from the beginning 7 years ago.

we fell head over heals but twice in the first few months he dumped me without warning. But he would still phone me most evenings for a chat. when we got back together I was nervous for a long time that he would dump me again.

Being "addicted" to porn. Spening hours on it every night and then lying about what he had done.

in conversations with family, friends etc I would go to say something and he would often jump in and speak over me. Meaning I often ended up left out of the conversation. This happened with my parents and friends mostly, not with strangers so much.

Im not sure about this one but, subtly putting me down. eg I would say "Im really pleased with how dd has settled into nursery" because Id spent weeeks going through things with her and explaing it all to her and I felt like I'd done a good job preparing her. He replied, Its because she has older siblings its made her more self reliant" There are lots of times things like this happened. he could never just give me praise.

Whenever I suggested anything at all, no matter how trivial, He always had to suggest a better way of doing it.

If I pulled him up on anything he'd always give me these big sad eyes and say sorry lots but never really seem like he meant it. When the sad eyes stopped working on me he took to just silently staring at me like I was mad.

Always trying to get rid of me in the evenings by suggesting I take my sleepers and get an early night.

phoning my cpn when he was "worried" about me.

Often calling my Gp and (successfully) requesting a prescription of diazepan for me because I was "having a bad time". He doesn't have to even explain it to the recptionist anymore, just tells her my name.

Lying about every little thing, He'd tell me the sky was purple rather than be honest.

This all sounds really bad but we've not really had a bad life. Now I've starting writing this down I'm suprised by how much there is tbh. I have more stuff but I'll have to come back to it later as starting to get that horrible shaky feeling, need to go do something else for a while.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 10:25:59

MissJay; those are all red flags sad Dumping you but continuing contact so you're unsure wtf just happened, porn use, interrupting and dismissing anything you said.

Go the formal route. Tell a solicitor all about this and I don't think you'll be in any further doubt that he's abusive. And don't keep his secrets!! That horrible fucker sexually abused you!! Bastard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:31:08

You've got more red flags in the above little list than a Moscow May Day Parade... You really have to talk to someone about all the above because you're so acclimatised and conditioned to thinking that it's normal that you're not seeing the problem any more. I mentioned in my first post 'a sustained campaign of low-level or escalating bad behaviour' and that's precisely what you're describing. If it sounds really bad, that's because it is really bad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:33:05

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Do give them a call and read out your list above. The stuff about calling your CPN and GP to get you extra medication is positively spine-chilling.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 10:35:16

I remember your previous thread(s)

This man sexually abused you in your sleep and took photos of it ?

He has admitted "inappropriate feelings" towards your teenage daughter ?

Please tell your family and friends what he has done, and start divorce proceedings

How can you have him in your house ? I seriously would stop all contact with the dc and let him take you to court. If he tries, tell him you will blow the whole thing wide open and watch him back right down. he wants to maintain the public persona of "good guy" so you actually are the one in control here, if you could but see it

Currently you are covering for him, protecting an sexual abuser and facilitating contact with your kids ? I find that very difficult to understand.

Numberlock Mon 01-Oct-12 10:35:51

Several weeks ago he admitted to having inappropriate feelings towards my teenage dd

Just to clarify, is this your daughter from a previous relationship or his daughter too?

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 10:40:05

What do I do now? Im so scared of telling anybody in real life because Im really worried they'll take my children away. I feel like I've put them in danger, I really believe that people are going to think Im mad. I swear nobody will believe me. You have no idea how good he is at being this charming, gentle good guy. I feel like my world will implode. I'm so bloody scared.

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 10:42:55

I've not let him be alone with the kids at all, not once. Please please dont have a go at me AF. I can't cope with it at the moment.

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 10:43:24

And I have no family or friends I can tell. Not one single person.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:43:57

Why would they take your children away from you when your ex is the abuser? If a bunch of strangers on the internet (us) believe you, why do you think others would not? You're scared at the moment because you're imagining all kinds of outcomes that are a long way from the reality. And, by doing nothing and telling no-one, you are stuck like the proverbial deer in the headlights. If your family and friends have let you down then go for people who have no emotional connection to this.... police, solicitors, Womens Aid, GP/CPN. They will have met plenty of 'charming, gentle, good guys' that are wolves in sheeps' clothing.

geegee888 Mon 01-Oct-12 10:48:15

Lying about every little thing, He'd tell me the sky was purple rather than be honest

Many red flags but to me this one stands out. He is a clever, practised liar. So good in fact that you are having difficulty working out what is truth and what is lies, due to being exposed to him for so long. Like all good liars, he is probably a good actor too, and very controlling. Not a nice, genuine person. Just tell people he is a compulsive liar, and keep repeating it until people listen.

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 11:02:05

I have phoned womans aid once but couldn't tell them everything. I just phoned them now but got the answer machine. I will try them again but it will have to be in the morning now as have to pick dd up soon and my older ones are around in the evening.

Im trying to find a solicitor but how do I choose which one? It has to be a woman too.

Im not going to let him in the house again. I know I don't have an option with that. I will not let him hurt my children. Id put a knife through him before I let him do that.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 11:07:05

Look up solicitors in your area on google.
Pick one who does divorce/family law
Book a half hour introductory appt and say you'd prefer a woman

Please stop hiding this from everyone. It is clearly serious to us, if not to you.

Take control of your life thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 11:09:27

If you go to the Law Society website here and put your postcode in the little box on the right you'll get a list of solicitors in your immediate area. You can also mail the society if you want something more specific. Some will specialise in family law.

Do try again with Womens Aid. They can also give you pointers on legal representation. Good luck

MissJayTea Mon 01-Oct-12 11:18:27

Thank you. I will sort this. And I will phone womens aid. Off to pick dd up now.

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