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Boyfriend cut off contact with a text message...

(52 Posts)
neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:14:11

Posted about this before, but need an outlet again...A week ago my boyfriend of four years texted and said he would not be coming over to see me this weekend. He said he was depressed due to our last weekend together not going too well. I was off with him, I admit. I'm unhappy about the fact he normally doesn't see me more than one day/one night per week, and my unhappiness does cause tension between us.

There are good reasons why we can normally only see each other for this limited amount of time: geography, children etc. However, with a bit of flexibility on his part, we could manage a whole weekend every now and again.

Normally we spend more time together in the holidays when it is easier for both of us in practical terms, but for various reasons we didn't have a holiday together this summer, which I think has left me feeling more needy than usual.

After four years, it goes without saying I feel really connected to him. I'm totally in love with him. His suddenly shutting off all contact is just so unbearably painful, so distressing. I have a box of tissues permanently by my side.

His last text, a week ago, said he needed space. I texted back that that was fine. I couldn't say much else really, he had obviously made his decision. I know I can't text him again, I need to give him the space he says he wants, but I am beside myself with worry. It just feels so odd and wrong, this silence between us...

Shutupalittlebit Sun 30-Sep-12 23:34:19

I remember your last thread. Well done for not chasing him, I have been in a similar situation myself and it was really hard. I think he has made you feel needy because he obviously wants something different to you from a relationship, and he has not been meeting your needs. That doesn't make your needs unreasonable or wrong though. If he has asked for space then I think you have to continue to give it to him. Are you wondering if it is the end of the relationship?

SirBoobAlot Sun 30-Sep-12 23:37:55

Think a week is space enough before you contact him. You need to qualify exactly what's going on, before you can process things properly.

And for what its worth - I don't think expecting a level of commitment after four years together is needy at all. And everyone has "off days" with their other halves. He's being a bit OTT.

neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:40:06

Hi, yes, I am wondering that. It is very difficult not knowing, and yet I can hardly ask him!

Shutupalittlebit Sun 30-Sep-12 23:40:38

Agree with sirboob, give it a week and then totally reasonable to find out what is happnning as a result of the 'space'.

Shutupalittlebit Sun 30-Sep-12 23:41:40

Very uncomfortable for you, know how it feels..

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 23:41:59

Just leave it

He has told you how it is

Anything else is chasing him, and that is not very dignified tbh

neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:43:00

He has never been married or lived with anyone. It's a guess, but I think he has ended other relationships when commitment seemed on the cards, and with me 'pushing' him a bit - how stupid - I may just have driven him away.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 30-Sep-12 23:43:40

I think the best thing is to go silent. Don't ask and plead. Don't even text saying, "I'm here when you're ready" or similar. Just don't get in touch at all. If he wants you, he'll do some running. If he doesn't, he won't. It's as simple (and painful) as that.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 23:44:49

You are not the stupid one, love

expatinscotland Sun 30-Sep-12 23:44:52

I remember your last thread. I think this coward wants to end the relationship, but doesn't have the balls to tell you to your face.

Don't chase him.

Let him go. He's the loser in this.

neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:54:07

I won't be chasing, but it is agonising. He is a very sensitive person, so I'm praying it's just that I hurt his feelings, and now he is hurting mine, and that he will get over it in time.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 23:54:08

Your relationship may have spanned 4 years, but if you add up the time you've spent together it amounts to barely a year, if that, and either way you look at it, it doesn't suggest a greal deal of commitment on his part.

We can't make people love us in the way we want, and deserve, to be loved and you're best advised to let him go without any further dialogue. If he cares anything for you, he'll do the talking at some point in the not too distant future and, if he doesn't, his loss not yours.

neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:57:16

He has shown commitment in many ways though, if not in time. I will continue to believe in him for now.

chocolateteabag Sun 30-Sep-12 23:58:04

I second Orange's advice - don't contact him in anyway
Either he'll eventually contact you (why no attention...or maybe he'll grow a pair and realise what he's giving up.) or he won't but you'll not kick yourself for sending any desperate message. And by cutting off contact it will make it easier/quicker to get over him. I know it doesn't feel like it but cold turkey really is the best way to get over someone.
You need to find someone who wants to spend all the time they can with you, don't waste any more of your time on this one. Let him have his space, get on with your life and forget him. If he comes back he's going to have to work hardto win you back remember!

neva Sun 30-Sep-12 23:58:54

Have to say also that this enforced separation makes me realise that I wouldn't swap one day with him for a year with anyone else. Madly in love I'm afraid.

neva Mon 01-Oct-12 00:00:45

Thanks for support

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:01:01

you silly, romantic fool

it will be the undoing of you

this bloke is a twat, he isn't "sensitive" or "special" in any way

he's just a common-or-garden dick-around and the sooner you realise that, the better

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:02:25

why did you post ?

so you could rail against all the replies saying "he is a twat" and ramp up your "we are just star crossed lovers" bollocks ?

more fool, you

stayathomegardener Mon 01-Oct-12 00:06:50

Hey anyfucker,sometimes it's good to rail...

arthurfowlersallotment Mon 01-Oct-12 00:09:34

I'm sorry op, no matter how much you love him, this is not the actions of a man in love with you.

Someone in love doesn't want space. They don't go silent. And they certainly don't freak out over commitment.

I know you're hurting, but my advice is to plan a future without him in it.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:12:40

not in this instance, SAHG

stayathomegardener Mon 01-Oct-12 00:18:54

Better to rail here than to text in reality,displacement I guess smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:20:33

oh, absolutely

but I suspect OP is looking for just one poster to align with her "he loves me really, he is just having a hard time" shtick

thenightsky Mon 01-Oct-12 00:21:07

Oh they are always 'sensitive' or something! Ignore him OP. I'm with anyfucker on this one.

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