Should I contact my friend?

[DuaneDibbley]

Sorry this is longer than intended! I have a friend who I have known since about the age of 14. She's from North America and spent most of her teenaged years and early twenties split between there and the UK. What I'm trying to say is that we've always had reasonably long periods of little to no contact, but always came back to each other.

I've been with the same DP since I was 18 (I'm now 32). When he and I moved in together my friend was living in really substandard accommodation at her workplace. No heat, no inside toilet, damp and mould. She was of course always welcome at our house (very nearby) and she would pop in most days and if dinner was on she would have a portion. She was really stuck in a rut career and home wise :(

She then met a man who lived about 100 miles away. They hit it off (I don't particularly care for him but he's a nice guy). Since her career was going nowhere here and her home was literally a dump she decided very quickly (a couple of months into the relationship) to move away to live in his home town and find work there.

I was obviously sad to see my friend go but was happy that she'd found a way forward that didn't involve her freezing to death in a shitty house and that she'd be earning more money. For the next 18 months we spoke quite often on the phone and if I was over her way we'd meet up and she sometimes got the train here. She has met my 20 month DS about twice.

However they then decided to get married. We were invited but they had a no children wedding which was too far away to leave DS with someone here. So we didn't go. She told me that she completely understood and seemed fine. She called me once before the wedding (about 3 months ago) and I missed her call and she didn't answer when I called back.

Well since then I think we've been at stalemate. I saw her wedding pictures on Facebook. I sent her a congratulations text. I haven't called her. She hasn't called me.

Have I been ditched?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

100 miles away and still in the honeymoon period with a new husband, who knows, she could just be having a great time and is too busy to get in touch. Give her a call...

[MsKayGee]

Yes you've been ditched, and I'd guess that it's because rightly or wrongly she's pissed that you didn't make childcare arrangements and attend her wedding.

Try one last phonecall/letter/email and if she doesn't respond then move on. There's nothing more you can do.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

dunno, do you still have anything in common?

sometimes you fall into a trap of thinking old friend = good friend (sometimes it is but..) then you realise that you are friends "for old times sake" rather than being people who would be friends if you met now IYKWIM and keeping in touch just because you're "old friends" begins to seem silly?

its not really a "ditch", it doesn't mean you actively don't like them, just that you realise you actually have nothing to chat about anymore apart from the past

[JustFabulous]

I have two friends. T and J. Both equally as friendly when we were at school though I saw J for longer after I had lost touch with T. I got back in touch with J and then a couple or so years later with J. Within one year I saw them both. Lovely to see T and meet her boys. Bit awkward at times, rare contact since. Met up with J. Met her kids. Like we had never been apart. The point is I think it is down to the person not the length of time you have known someone. She actually said to me that a true friend is someone you can just pick up with and she is right. I care about both but it has just been easier with J.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

yup like JF I had 2 friends from the same period in my life, was equally close to both back then. Kept in touch with both for years, sometimes more frequently than others

friend 1: although we are old friends, we are current friends and whenever we meet up we're not "catching up" we're just chatting like we see each other every week (even though it might have been a year or so)

friend 2: it was always "catching up" or reminiscing about old times IYWKIM, always "soo what have you been up to since I saw you last" and it got repeditive and I realised that we didn't have anything to say to each other in the here and now. So I stopped calling, and she didn't call either, and we got back in touch years later and its still a bit.. scripted! "any news? hows the kids etc" rather than just easy banter like I have with friend 1

Don't dislike friend 2, she didn't offend me or anything, just gets to a point where it becomes silly to only be friends with someone because you've been friends since olden days

[ekidna]

I don't think you've necessarily been ditched.
If you want to get in contact with her again try again

[DuaneDibbley]

Thanks everyone, I'll give her a ring this week and see what happens.
I guess we don't have that much in common any more (we met through a mutual hobby which I don't do any more but she does), however our personalities gelled and we do have other overarching similarities.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Well you've only sent her one text. Why does that make you think you've been dumped? Just call her!

[DuaneDibbley]

I've actually had a misremebering.... After sending the text I also left a voicemail along the same congratulatory vein.
I don't want to seem desperate fucka! So I've called and texted her, and now I'm wondering whether I should take the hint.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

do you actually want a chat with her, do you have a reason to ring her

or do you just want to speak to her to see if she speaks to you IYKWIM

(do you understand what I'm getting at, not sure I'm getting what I'm trying to say across??)

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Maybe she's just busy.

(also have a friend who hasn't contacted me in a while and really hoping Im not friend dumped!)

[DuaneDibbley]

Good question Halloweeney. I want to know how the wedding went, where did she honeymoon, have they moved, a catch up really. I won't bore her about DS as I guess if she cared then she'd have asked how he was occasionally.

[DuaneDibbley]

I think I'm in danger of being bitter fucka, as I wasn't too busy to care about her when she was freezing her tits off in a shack with no plumbing. But if we take the distance that she's moved out if it, essentially she's got a boyfriend, then husband, and then suddenly it's a pita to have to call me to see how we are.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

doesn't sound like a superficial chat about honeymoons etc would go all that well anyway since you're simmering under the surface?

If you do ring again, do chat about DS, if you don't and the conversation goes elsewhere you might read too much into it

a superficial chat about her honeymoon and dress etc doesn't sound like it'ld solve anything for you really anyway

[waltermittymissus]

I'm probably way off here but it's probable that your friend is hurt and feels dumped by you! Consider the facts:

You were extremely close
You don't bother going to her wedding (there was NO WAY you could have made it to a very good friend's wedding??)
She's probably picked up on the fact that you don't like her dh
You sent a text when she got married!
Did you send a card/gift?

Tbh I think she's come off the worst here!

[Bigwheel]

Having just got married I would be annoyed if you just sent me a text having missed my wedding. Couldn't you have at least of sent a card with a nice note in it? A text is just lazy, rude and show's her your friendship doesn't mean very much to you. I would forgive you for not coming to the wedding but still be slightly annoyed to be honest. Coudn't you of left dc with your dh and attended? Could you not of brought dc up with you and hired a babysitter / brought a family member to look after him? Is there really no friends or family you could leave dc with for the day / night, or could you of at the very least of attended the daytime part? Personally I feel that if this friendship meant much to you you would have made more of an effort. Maybe it's a bit raw for me though as I had a few 'friends' let me down in similar ways for my own wedding.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

that's a point, whenever I decline a wedding invite I send a bunch of flowers in the week running up to the wedding with a note to say enjoy the run-up, so sorry we'll be missing it, be thinking of you on Sat, then a gift and card

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

I wasn't too busy to care about her when she was freezing her tits off in a shack with no plumbing. But if we take the distance that she's moved out if it, essentially she's got a boyfriend, then husband, and then suddenly it's a pita to have to call me to see how we are.

I don't think that's fair at all. She is adjusting to a whole new life. Its great that you were there for her but things move on. She shouldn't be expected to be an attentive friend purely to pay you back for your support during that time. She doesn't owe you because Im sure you just did it because you are kind.

[DuaneDibbley]

Yes I concede that the situation my end (lots of stuff was going on particularly at work) meant that I didn't send her a card or gift :( I wouldn't blame her for being pissed off. However, she didn't send anything for DS's birth or 1st birthday, does that make us even?

I think we've both behaved lazily, and I hope that we can have a chat this week.

[waltermittymissus]

No I don't think it does make you even actually. She invited you to what was probably one of the most important days of her life.

I'm sure your ds's birth was one of yours, but his 1st birthday? I'm not sure your friend would see it as the same.

Plus, you made no real effort to attend, as a PP said you could have gone alone.

Not only that but you were too "busy" to send a card in the post for her wedding day.

You don't come off as a very good friend tbh!

[DuaneDibbley]

WalterMitty, that was tongue in cheek. Yes I was annoyed that she didn't acknowledge his birth, but obviously I don't care about the birthday: o

I made a decision that I didn't want to leave my very clingy, still breastfeeding toddler who I have to put to bed each night. Please don't judge me for my choices. There are plenty of other things I missed this year for the same reason - free tickets to Olympic opening ceremony for example.

And re. the card, yes it was an unfortunate oversight on my part due to working a very hectic Olympic shift pattern.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

"However, she didn't send anything for DS's birth or 1st birthday, does that make us even?" no, was she invited to his birthday celebrations, and even if she was a wedding trumps 1st birthday I think

Besides that's not how friendship works, you keep in touch because you like each other, not because one of you helped the other out once, you sound like you feel that she OWES you a friendship, rather than actually wanting to be her friend because she likes you, and if that's the case then staying in touch isn't really gonna enhance either of your lives!

If that's not the case, then tradition says you have a year from the wedding date to get the present (although its not commonly practiced), so how about getting them some beautiful crystal or silver/pewter tree decorations for their first christmas as man and wife

[Bigwheel]

No, it doesn't make you even and deep down I think you know it. You have obviously given her none of your time at all if you don't even know if she has moved, where she went on honeymoon etc.

[SweetSeraphim]

I have to say that I agree with some of the posters that say you've been a bit of a poor friend. Not sending a card on the wedding day of one of your oldest friends is a bit crap really.

You might be able to get it sorted though, best of luck.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

OP, simple enough question here, do you LIKE her?