Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Epiphany!! he's doing it on purpose!! but why??

30 replies

Epiphanic · 30/09/2012 16:44

Ever since I met DP he has 90% been great and optimistic about our future but 10% of the time he'd chuck in a bit of negativity such as "oh it's all moving a bit fast" or "I don't want to tell too many people about us incase it doesn't work out" etc etc

This really made me paranoid and insecure. I'd be all loved up and happy and then he'd say something to suggest that actually - we wasn't going to last.

I spoke to him about it, told him how it made me feel. He saw how it made me feel. He saw how it started eating me up not knowing what was going on and he would reassure me that we were fine, he was just a natural born worrier. But it made ME worry constantly.

Anyway - moving on - this weekend we're sat in a pub, had a few to drink and he said "ooo it's all moving a bit fast isn't it? it's scary really, it's all happening too soon isn't it?" and a lightblub flicked on in my head. He was watching me for a reaction - I saw it for the first time, body language - he was doing it on purpose. For this reason I just shrugged and said "maybe, what will be will be, not going to stress myself over it, life is too short!" and he seemed REALLY shocked by this. He followed it up with "oh, I should really arrange for you to meet my mum - but it's too soon isn't it, I mean, I don't know you THAT well, it could all end next week". Now this pissed me off because I've just let him meet my kids and he says he doesn't know me well enough to let me meet his mother??? but I could literally see he was doing it on purpose, looking for a reaction. So again I shrugged and said "yeah well, I'll leave that with you, whatever!" and smiled. He seemed confused and then started going on about how we should seriously consider living together next year.

So, I'm right arn't I - he's doing the whole "negative vibes" on purpose isn't he? does he enjoy my insecurity? why else would he do it??

Or have I got it wrong and he genuinely does question us being together? but if this is the case, why the follow up conversation about living together?

OP posts:

Report

CailinDana · 30/09/2012 16:49

It sounds like you're right, he does it on purpose. I would guess he enjoys your discomfort because it reassures him that you're into him. It could be that he's just insecure, or it could be that he's a nasty twat who likes having power over you. That's for you to decide really.

What do you think?

LolaCola1 · 30/09/2012 16:50

How long have you been together?

LolaCola1 · 30/09/2012 16:51

Might be worth laying your cards on the table.

' Stop saying this stuff as it's upsetting. If you continue to do it then I will finish the relationship as I don't like you trying to unsettle me in this way. '

And see what he has to say to that.

glastocat · 30/09/2012 16:55

I agree with?olacila,. Don't let him getaway with this, tell him it upsets you, then watch to see if he does it again. It's a red flag IMO, but I would give him a chance.but only one!

glastocat · 30/09/2012 16:56

lolacola

susiedaisy · 30/09/2012 16:57

I agree with Dana

fiventhree · 30/09/2012 17:04

If you think he is enjoying your discomfort he is abusive, and a nasty game player. And you have only just met him recently. So these days, if it were me, he would have to go.

Its one thing beig young and making excuses for al the red flags, but quite another recognising them and still going ahead.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2012 17:13

Why? Because he's manipulating your reaction. Making you say the thing he wants to hear which is presumably... 'it's not happening too soon, I really want this to happen'.. by lobbing doubt into the conversation. I'd be wondering what other buttons he was pressing that you haven't noticed yet.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 30/09/2012 17:16

RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND, epi. stay with him and he'll soon turn out to be 90% twat.

Lougle · 30/09/2012 17:16

Could he be anxious and looking for reassurance? Only you can tell, really.

Epiphanic · 30/09/2012 17:26

I really don't know, I just don't get it. He texts me every day without fail, always arranging stuff for us to do, takes me out all the time, he's so sweet to me when we're together and as I say, he's started talking about us moving in together - even though he'll be paying for 90% of the costs of buying somewhere, he's willing to go wherever I want for the sake of the kids' schooling so he does act like a nice guy - it's just these little niggles. I really didn't want to bring these comments up on the night because I wanted to be all calm and cool to throw him off but it was on my mind all night. Next morning, when he'd sobered up I told him how it had made me feel and he said he was just being stupid and I need to not take him so seriously!

OP posts:

OneMoreGo · 30/09/2012 17:28

He's doing it because he's a knob.

And he likes keeping you on the back foot.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2012 17:32

so, now you have had your lightbulb moment (and I agree with your summing-up, actually) you are going to dump him, right ?

or are you going to go along, and in fact join in with, the game playing ?

TheBirderer · 30/09/2012 17:34

I think it's about stroking his ego and keeping you keen and uncertain to make himself feel better. It's a pretty shitty thing to do and a mean way to use someone. And it is manipulative. Insecure or not, it's not a good way to be when a relationship is a partnership of equals... keeping your OH off-balance is odd.

Busybusybust · 30/09/2012 17:46

Mmmmmm - could he not be doing this because he (shock-horror) actually is worried that it IS going too fast. He sounds less 'life-savvy' Than you
OP. give him a chance to explain himself.

Vinomcstephens · 30/09/2012 17:47

He sounds like an arse, if you don't mind me putting it bluntly! Come on, this is a guy you really like and he's met your kids - yet he's playing mind games with you and enjoys making you feel anxious and playing on your insecurity? What normal person would do that to someone they're in an apparently happy relationship with? I assume you haven't been together very long - if he's this much of a tool now, what will he be like in a few years time?

Flisspaps · 30/09/2012 17:50

I'd call him and say yes, you agree, it's all going too fast, and so you're slowing things down - in fact, you're stopping them completely, fuckety-bye.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2012 17:51

And why is he doing it?. Because he can and he wants you to react. Its a power and control issue this, he likes keeping you on the back foot and wrong footing you.

How long have you been together by the way?.

Kernowgal · 30/09/2012 17:51

How long have you been together?

He sounds to me like he's constantly testing you, testing your commitment. My ex did this, and it got very tiresome very quickly. It's manipulation, and not the sign of someone who really wants to be with you. Take yourself out of the relationship - what would you advise a friend who told you that her partner was behaving similarly?

solidgoldbrass · 30/09/2012 17:53

The idea is to put himself in control and have you constantly worrying that you're going to be dumped or that you could be dumped at any moment if you are not sufficiently obedient.
Bin.

Badvoc · 30/09/2012 17:54

Run.
Fast.
And dont look back.

ThatBintAgain · 30/09/2012 17:58

The beginning part of relationships is supposed to be the best bit, so if it's already not living up to expectations...

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 18:02

I assume it's because then you fall over yourself to convince him it is what you want, he's the fucking nuts and also start seeming uncertain and worried that you need to 'try harder' to keep him.

I would call him on it, tell him you are aware he's constantly asking you if you think if the relationship is going to fast, if he thinks it is, you wish he'd be man enough to say so. You can't be arsed with game playing so if he can't sort that out, you'll walking away.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 30/09/2012 18:03

Maybe you need to start taking a step back and see how he responds. I know you said he's met your kids, but I would be tempted to say something like 'Given that we're a bit worried about the speed of our relationship, I think actually it's too soon for you to spend lots of time with the kids'. I presume this would also limit the time he spends with you. There is nothing more likely to make a contrary person back down than to cheerfully agree with them.

I do think this is a big red flag but I think now you've had the 'ephiphany', you can afford a little time to assess it, and him, further. But be very cautious.

senua · 30/09/2012 18:16

What a strange way to carry on. Either he's playing mind games or he's not that into you. Neither option bodes well.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.