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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help I dont know what to do!

28 replies

SecretAriel · 29/09/2012 22:04

When DH and are I good, we are very very good, there is a very loving and friendly relationship. This changes however when he drinks, at first he is a happy drunk - the life and soul of the party, at least to all his friends. Then he comes home and on a good night goes straight to bed and wets (occasionally soils) himself. On a bad night he picks arguments, pushes me about, is verbally abusive. Tonight however he went further by hitting me, but just on the arms, and pushed me into doors. Our 2 year old DS was present through it all crying. The thing is whenever he does this I ask him to go and he refuses, point blank refuses to leave. The only reason he left tonight was to go and get more drink.

I have tried to help him through his drink problem, and every time he does this he promises it will be his last. But because he doesnt drink every day he thinks he does not have a drink problem, but he finds it hard to stop when he starts. then with the hangover he drinks to get over it, then as he suffers from anxiety and depression it triggers episodes of this. Our DS saw everything tonight, including me physically forcing DH out front door. I havnt stopped crying since he told me i was naughty for hitting daddy, and crying for his daddy to come back.

We have no spare cash once bills are paid, but a good life together. And I dont want to give this up! But I really do feel at the end of my tether. What should I do? If I do leave (he says its his house and he will never leave it) what rights do I have? What will it do to my son? Has anyone else been through this and got out the other side (by staying or leaving)? Please help me.

OP posts:

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2012 22:09

Firstly you need to get a bag together and leave now. Can you go to your mums or a friends? You are not safe when he gets back. He has already hit you, what will he do next?

If you leave long term there is support out there.

My DP knows he is a horrid drunk. So he doesnt drink. I have never seen him drink or be drunk ever. This behaviour is not acceptable and you deserve better.

BabylonPI · 29/09/2012 22:11

Seconding what wannabedomesticgiddess said.

lizbee156 · 29/09/2012 22:13

Other more knowledgable posters will be along in a minute to advise you of your rights but for now:
He hit you and you need to get yourself to a safe place.
If he is there and being violent ring the Police. Right now.
He has a serious drink problem and he needs to get himself some help, you cannot do this for him.

MummysHappyPills · 29/09/2012 22:13

Whether he thinks he is alcohol dependent or not is irrelevent, he can't control his intake or his behaviour when he drinks, and is a danger to you and your son. So I think you should tell him unless he stops drinking completely it is over.

ErikNorseman · 29/09/2012 22:17

You only have two choices - leave him and protect yourself and your child, or stay and deal with living with a disgusting abusive drunk.
If you leave him, he may wise up and change his ways. He may not. If you stay with him he almost certainly won't.

You know you could get the police to remove him, right? He assaulted you.

mummymcphee · 29/09/2012 22:17

Poor you ariel ! I have been where you are and know and it's really confusing. I was pregnant....x was only physically violent once after drinking. Previously it had all been verbal and emotional stuff!

I left and called the police and it has been hard. He was arrested and cautioned. I am single and now have a lovely DD and a happy calm household and no money :-)

M x has a new gf who was recently badly beaten up by him whilst pregnant. A leopard doesn't change their spots!!!! Losing me and DD didn't shock him into change so nothing will!

Try women's aid for advice they have a help line and have local staff in most areas. What is happening to you is not ok!

Fix

SecretAriel · 29/09/2012 22:19

I just got a a from his friend saying DH is crashing on his couch tonight, and asking what he did to me. So I know I will be ok tonight. My mum stays near by, but is out tonight, and I have isolated myself from all of my friends since DS born. Its such a hard thought to process, actually leaving. But thanks wannabedomesticgoddess and BabylonPI, I think I will have to face up to the fact that its not safe anymore and leave tomorrow. I've always had a problem with admitting failure and weakness, and the thought that people will pity me or see me as a failure in marriage stupidly really upsets me.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2012 22:20

As Erik said, you can phone the police and have him removed. His house or not.

If you have nowhere to go please call the police.

SecretAriel · 29/09/2012 22:20

thanks mummy

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2012 22:21

Have you distanced yourself from your friends or has he?

Glad he wont be returning tonight.

lizbee156 · 29/09/2012 22:22

You are not a failure in marriage.
There is nothing weak about ending an abusive realtionship, it takes incredible strength.

corlan · 29/09/2012 22:25

I wasted 13 years of my life going through this but we did not have a child together. I only found the courage to get out when I was pregnant.

It will not stop until he has a reason to stop (and maybe not even then).

Please get help for yourself and your child - there is an organisation called Al-Anon that may be able to help you - the number is 020 7403 0888. They are there to support the family and friends of people with a drink problem. Please don't waste years of your life putting up with this.

balotelli · 29/09/2012 22:29

You are anything but a failure.

You are a strong person who has stood up for herself and removed this worthless alcohol abusing bully from your home to protect yourself and your child.

Do not let him back in to show your DC what a bad relationship looks like.

Be strong. You are a Mum, a strong person not a failure.

ShiteMum101 · 29/09/2012 22:29

I've been where your DS is. My DM never left, still there. Go. I still have flashbacks and my poor DH occasionally does something which triggers all the negative emotions. If you looked at my life you would think being the child of an alcoholic had no effect but I'm a depressed, anxious, perfectionist with control freak tendencies. Go.

izzyizin · 29/09/2012 22:40

If you want to have any hope of bringing about any change in your h's behaviour, there is ony one thing you can do and that is to call the police and tell them what he has done tonight in front of your 2yo ds.

This is unlikely to bring about any dire scenarios you may imagine of him losing his job, being incarcerated in prison, never speaking to you again/or 'coming after you' but it may - just may - be the wake up call he needs to get his act together and quit drinking.

It will also serve to ensure that you and ds will not have not have to go anywhere as a report of the incident will be sufficient ground for you to be granted occupation and non-molestation Orders by a Court of Law giving the police the power to remove him from your home and arrest him if he is found to be in breach of the non-mol.

If you don't make the quantum leap of faith it takes to involve the police, the chances are that he'll be back full of apologies which will serve to win you over... until the next time. And I have no doubt you know there will be a next time... and a next time ad infinitum unless you stop the rot now.

SecretAriel · 29/09/2012 22:41

Thanks to all posters.
In the end you are all telling me really what I already know. I have taken the first step, and called my dad and told him what happened, so no going back now. The more I think of my DS witnessing this on a regular basis the more determined I get. I had a happy childhood in a loving peaceful home. And this is what he will have.
I don't think I will sleep much tonight, a lot to sort out.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 29/09/2012 22:41

'done tonight in front of your ds' by which I don't mean that you should be telling the police in front of your child...!

MirandaGoshawk · 29/09/2012 22:43

shitemum I have two friends whose fathers were alcoholics and have just realised that what you've just said is true for both of them too. Both try really hard to be good parents though, and manage it, on the whole. But everyone has their own demons to deal with, eh?

OP - it sounds to me that you might be able to keep your relationship going, or at least get it back one day, IF your DH is prepared to take action & end his drinking. Maybe if you move out for a bit, and you get together for a talk and spell things out to him when he's calm, then he will realise what he stands to lose and will get help. Sounds as if he needs proper, medical/psychological help though. A doctor could point him in the right direction.

Good luck.

MirandaGoshawk · 29/09/2012 22:46

izzy's advice is better than mine. I don't think mine will work in the real world

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2012 22:46

OP you are far from a failure. You are a great mum. The only failure in this is your husband.

DistressedMumHELP · 29/09/2012 22:52

I am sorry but this is likely to be a vicious circle it used to be verbal abuse, and now its physical...what next? REALLY? I am sorry I am saying this cos i was in your position not a year ago. My ex started with isolating me, verbal, emotional abuse then it turned physical, to the point that he stabbed me, still i stayed, then i saw my DS screaming every time DH came near me and i realised my little boy was scared FOR me and i left and i havent been back. It broke my heart leaving him cos it felt like he needed me the most, but i came to follow this quote:

"When you have tried to help someone all you can, no matter how much you love that person, the only thing left to do is to walk away"

I know its not the same but there are similarities, my STBXH was a cocaine adict and alcoholic, and as a result was violent whilst on it he could also change from one minute to the next being loving and cuddly to strangling me. Dont end up like i have, so emotionally and mentally messed up PLEASE.

RobynRidingHood · 29/09/2012 23:16

Alternatively you could call AlAnon for help and advice rather than chuck away a relationship IF he can stop drinking to excess.

handbagCrab · 29/09/2012 23:34

I don't want to derail this thread but if secretariel decides not to continue a relationship with a man who has verbally and physically abused her in front of her toddler, it is not her who has made the choice 'to chuck away a relationship'. On the contrary, it is the man who chose to abuse her who did that all on his own.

I can't begin to imagine how frightening this must have been for you and your ds and I hope that you find the help and support you need.

Best wishes op.

ladyWordy · 29/09/2012 23:47

You're on the right track secret, so I will just say 'stay strong for your son' - and offer some thoughts from Lundy Bancroft (author of 'Why Does He Do That?'):

'So many men hide their abusiveness under cover of alcoholism or drug addiction......The most important point to be aware of is this: alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one.'

In other words, drink/drugs may aggravate, but they are not the root cause of abuse.

Take care, and don't be surprised if you wobble a bit :( but please, stick with your decision and get yourselves away from him.

DistressedMumHELP · 29/09/2012 23:56

Yes, couldnt agree more with ladywordy because that is perfectly true, neither a drink nor a substance is to blame, it is the person themselves thitat are to blame, especially when they know what it will do to them.

Stay strong, feel free to PM me, i've been there and gone back and left. please make the right choice for you and your baby. xx

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