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What to do regarding his extreme jealousy in our relationship?

(99 Posts)
blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 15:35:08

Hello, I'm hoping some of you ladies can give me some advice.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since June this year.

He's often been jealous and if for example I don't answer the phone straight away or I'm out when he calls me, he'll really question me as to where I've been, who I'm with and what I'm doing.

He tries to pass it off as him only joking but I know he's not and I've asked him to stop and told him it upsets me but he still continues.

These past two weeks he's been worse than normal. Last Sunday he finished work and was supposed to be coming over to my house to spend the evening with me.

My daughter (3 yrs old) was up at 5am that morning and I was exhausted so went for a lie down with her on Sunday afternoon and didn't answer his 5pmish call until I woke up at 6pm and heard the phone ringing again.

When I answered I could tell he'd been drinking and he was questioning me as to whether I was alone, why I hadn't answered the phone and he didn't believe anything I was telling him. I told him I could tell he was drunk and wasn't going to continue the conversation with him accusing me of being a cheat etc and hung up on him.

He then appeared at my door at 9.40pm by this time he was steaming drunk. My daughter had woken up again as she had been ill and was sitting watching TV with me in the living room. He even went and asked her if I'd spent the day with another man!

I put my daughter to bed then told him he had to leave as I was going to bed too and wanted to be alone and that I'd speak to him in the morning.

He left and I went into the living room and went on my PC then heard a knock on the door. It was him again, he'd spied on me through my living room window and seen I was on the PC and was accusing me of chatting to men on the internet. I pushed him out of the door and locked the door behind me and he shouted through my window that I was a liar etc.

The next day he was extremely apologetic, said he'd acted like a tosser and it wouldn't happen again, yet on Saturday we spent the evening together whilst my children were at my parents and I wanted to go to bed as I was feeling really ill with stomach ache. I tucked the duvet under my stomach to try stop it hurting and he said I was clearly only doing that to create distance between us. He said it was obvious I was seeing someone else and that he'd go through my mobile phone and all my e-mails and that he'd find me out.

I couldn't be bothered with him hassling me so said I was going out for a walk and to clear my head. He threw me onto the bed and told meif I attempted to leave the house he'd rip all my clothes up so I'd have nothing to go out in.

It's my birthday on Friday this week and I've organised to have some drinks with friends in a local pub and I've told him I don't want him going as I want to spend time with my friends and I don't want him causing a scene and upsetting me in front of my friends which I strongly believe he will (he's called me a slag and a slut in front of a pub full of people before now for no reason whatsoever!)

He now says I'm being hurtful and is thinking that the reason I don't want him going is because there's going to be another man there or because I have a male stripper booked and all sorts of crazy things. He's told me that if I don't invite him he'll come into the pub and kick off with everybody there and smash the place up. Then later on he's said he won't kick off he was just saying that.

I don't know what to do and am seriously thinking of just cancelling the whole thing. It's just making me feel unbearably anxious and unhappy. When it was his birthday he went out with his mates without me and I just told him to go off and enjoy himself. Why can I not be treated the same way?

Sorry for the tremendously long post and thank you for taking the time to read through it all.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 25-Sep-12 15:39:23

Please dump him - how on earth is this relationship EVER going to work?

If he smashes up the pub let the bar staff deal with it, it's not your responsibility.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Sep-12 15:41:20

Don't cancel your birthday, cancel him. Permanently. Seriously, you've been with him since June and he's already shown you that he's a crazy jealous obsessive who isn't afraid to use violence. It will only get worse. Get rid.

Allice Tue 25-Sep-12 15:47:20

Why are you in a relationship with him? Dump him now, he's never going to get any better.

Change the venue of your birthday drinks and have a great time.

Well, this is going to keep happening isn't it?
Until you never go anywhere without him, not allowed to have any friends, until he has total control over you.
He's spying on you?
Questioning your child?

Major red flags.

tzella Tue 25-Sep-12 15:49:59

Fortunately for you you've only been together since June! That means breaking up shouldn't be that hard to do smile

tzella Tue 25-Sep-12 15:51:11

(he's called me a slag and a slut in front of a pub full of people before now for no reason whatsoever!

The reason is ^ because he's not a very nice man at all^

blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 15:52:08

He keeps telling me he's only behaving this way as he's feeling anxious right now about our relationship and he says he's never felt so strongly about anyone before but I said to him if he really felt about me the way he said he did, then he'd treat me better.

I told him that basically he's insinuating I'm a slut on a daily basis.

I keep feeling that maybe I am being hurtful towards him as originally I did ask him to come along with me but after his behaviour the past two weekends I don't want him to as I don't want a scene.

Numberlock Tue 25-Sep-12 15:53:29

I don't know what to do

Hopefully the more people that come on her and tell you to dump him, the more chance of you doing it.

It just concerns me that you even have to ask, though - that you carried on seeing after the first display of his abusive behaviour.

Do you still have contact with your daughter's father?

QuacksForDoughnuts Tue 25-Sep-12 15:55:50

Does the fact that you don't want him around for your birthday party tell you anything? Not just being ok with him missing it, actively keeping him out. Most people I know would be on the scale of mildly pissed off to completely gutted at the thought of their partner missing their birthday party or vice versa outside of a real emergency. Jealousy absolutely can be got over, but the person feeling it has to want to get over it - I'm speaking from experience here, used to be pretty awful at one point - and will make that effort if they love the other person enough. It doesn't sound like he's doing that...

blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 15:56:04

Yes I do still have contact with my daughters father.

I have really been thinking of ending it all especially over the past 2 days. It worries me how far jealous people can actually go.

I just wanted to ask the opinion of other people as I have nobody I want to talk to about it in real life. I keep questioning myself and thinking maybe I am being hurtful and selfish.

Technoviking Tue 25-Sep-12 15:56:40

So after 3 months he's acting like an absolute scumbag. What attracted you to him?
Bin, now. Then ignore his many and frequent attempts to get you back. Then ignore his abuse. Or call the police when he won't stop.

Because he won't. Good luck.

Technoviking Tue 25-Sep-12 15:57:15

Oh and he's not jealous. He's an abusive bully. There's a difference.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Sep-12 15:57:28

His strength of feeling seems to revolve around controlling you and being violent towards you. He sounds very dangerous to me. Do you feel like you have lots invested in this (short) relationship? Is there anything stopping you from getting out?

blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 15:57:44

I am upset that he won't be there for my birthday but I'm more scared of what will happen if he is there than upset about not having him there, if you see what I mean?

He says he's going to try and stop being so jealous and things will be ok for a bit then he has a drink and we're back to square one.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 25-Sep-12 15:58:23

OP blimey, get shot of him right now. He's very creepy indeed.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Sep-12 15:58:34

And you are not being hurtful and selfish, you sound thoughtful and concerned (overly IMO) about his feelings.

tzella Tue 25-Sep-12 15:58:54

He sounds unbearable. He shouts and swears at you, accuses you of ridiculous things, threatens to spoil your nights out, and in fact does spoil them as I can't imagine that being called a slag and a slut made for a relaxing evening.

There is no way you can possibly have done anything to 'deserve' any of that. He's a horrible person and crap about 'I've never felt so strongly' then being vile is a major red flag* so early in the relationship.

You can stop this bullshit right now. What are you getting out of it? confused

blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 15:59:34

No, I don't have lots invested in the relationship at all. I don't live with him and I have a lot of friends and an unbelievably busy life so it wouldn't be hard to split up with him.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Sep-12 16:00:01

If you are scared of what he will do if you bin him, get the police involved. Ring them up and tell them what you've told us.

OrangeClub Tue 25-Sep-12 16:01:35

Get rid now.

This man is already violent after four months? This will escalate.

He is already trotting out the usual crap - never felt like this before etc etc. What a load of old bollocks.

Please, please tell him this relationship is finished before someone (you) gets hurt.

Naysa Tue 25-Sep-12 16:02:00

How can even consider staying with him? Cut your losses and move on xxx

Numberlock Tue 25-Sep-12 16:02:40

He sounds very dangerous

Both to you and your daughter, blue.

blueballoon79 Tue 25-Sep-12 16:03:00

He seems so serious when he tells me he loves me etc and he's had a really hard home life with his Mother cheating on his Father and then walking out on the Father and both children to be with her lover.

I sometimes think that maybe this is why he's so jealous and I feel I'm maybe being uncaring towards him etc.

He tells me I'm not the same with him anymore and that I'm pushing him away but I'm not behaving any differently apart from this week. This week I'm most definitelyy pushing him away and keeping my distance as I wasn't sure I wanted to carry on with any of it anymore.

Longtalljosie Tue 25-Sep-12 16:03:29

Please please please kick him to the kerb. He's a monster - and he won't get any better. Your DD deserves a better role model.

Take it from someone who's been there - before you know it you'll be avoiding your friends and not ever going out because it's not worth the histrionics afterwards...

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