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falling out with DH

(31 Posts)
liverLadyLass Tue 25-Sep-12 10:09:37

I hate argueing with him, but I need to stand my ground I think?
we went away for the weekend with his brother and sis in law to our caravan, all was going well untill the last night,
my sis in law had asked if I'd fancied the bingo, and we'd went, I won a hundred and twenty quid so I was made up and rushed back to give it to him, I was going to pick a bottle of wine up on the way back but waited in case they wanted beer,
only after getting back the electricity had tripped as his brother had too much on so DH said to his brother he could go back to the show club as it was him who blew the electricity, he didn't want to, so I'd said I'd go and I could pick up a bottle of wine whilst I was there,
I was told no?
I asked why?
he said because we now what your like?
I was too shocked and confused to even reply to that?
I felt so angry and embarrassed in front of his brother and sis in law,
exactly what am I like Fgs, what in hell is he applying?
I now if we talk its going to blow out of poportion,
I texted him to see if he's working late and he doesn't now yet? childish gitt,,
I think because we were running short and his brother wasn't putting his hand in his pocket had something to do with it but that does not excuse what he said?
am I over reacting here?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 10:29:23

"he said because we now what your like?"

We know you're like... what? Was the implication from DH that if you went to a club on a caravan site for a bottle of wine, you'd drink the wine? Stay dancing at the club? Pick up men?

TBH without a bit more info, I'm not quite sure why you're shocked, angry, embarrassed or confused.

liverLadyLass Tue 25-Sep-12 10:42:30

hi thanks for replying,,
he's just told me I'd of stayed at the club for a few? and said don't tell me I'm wrong?
I told him he WAS wrong and thanks very much!! angry
how dare he,

he got up after everyone went to bed and says, so your not coming to bed then,
I told him I wasn't I was watching a film, he'd said fine then just so I now? sodding mind games ticks me off, he had also said he was finished,,
still to ask him about that too,

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 10:48:09

Is this a normal way for him to speak to you or a one-off? Was it said in a light-hearted way or was he deliberately trying to make you look small in front of others? From the pencil sketch it does sound like a bit of a storm in a teacup.

needsomeperspective Tue 25-Sep-12 11:14:51

Does he think you have an alcohol problem? Does he have a point? Are you blowing this out of all proportion following a throw away jokey remark or does he systematically put you down in front of others. Personally if my husband said that to me I would reply "you can talk you old alkie!" I wouldn't be "shocked and upset".

lottiegarbanzo Tue 25-Sep-12 12:12:13

Um, you can spend your winnings on what you like surely. If he didn't want wine that's fine. It's quite hard to understand the rest without context and clarification. He's finished with what, for example?

I won a hundred and twenty quid so I was made up and rushed back to give it to him

Why would you give it to him?

Tell him maybe...but give it to him?

sookiesookie Tue 25-Sep-12 12:26:37

I am confused. but, tbh, no one is going to be able to help because we don't know if it was a joke or that is what you are like.
You wouldn't admit it if you were and the 'don't tell me i am wrong' (to me) implies this has happened before.
Also don't get the rushing back to give him it. Why rush to give him it? and getting some wine would have taken 2 minutes, since he didn't know about the money 2 minutes would have made a difference.

HipHopOpotomus Tue 25-Sep-12 13:32:50

I'm confused, but what I really need to know is why were you rushing back to give him your winnings?

liverLadyLass Tue 25-Sep-12 15:41:46

hi thanks for your replies,
no I've no alcohol problem I wanted a bottle to celebrate the winnings and because I was on holiday,

any money we have is our money it's all put together so this is why I was giving it to him,

I've never given him any reason to believe this in the ten years we have been together he does this every so often, mostly when he's stressed only he behaves this way when were around other people mostly.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 25-Sep-12 15:45:09

So, "our money" means his money, in your case then?

I am confused about a lot you are saying.

liverLadyLass Tue 25-Sep-12 15:53:33

any money we have is ours as a family not separate money,,

after speaking to him today his problem he says was that he thought I would of stayed in the show bar and had a few drinks before coming back to the caravan,
which has never happened and never will, and in angry he would say this ‘we now what your like' as I've never given him any reason to make such a remark and especially in company also,
it wasn't a jokey comment he spoke to me as if I was the child and he my farther

lottiegarbanzo Tue 25-Sep-12 15:59:37

So he is nervous in company, even with his own brother, and expresses this by being tetchy and awkward with you?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 25-Sep-12 16:01:08

Or he likes to show off by demonstrating 'control' over you when with others?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 25-Sep-12 16:08:10

But essentially, if he behaves in a way hat you find unreasonable or unpleasant, it is a good idea to tell him that you find his behaviour unreasonable or unpleasant, which you seem to have done.

liverLadyLass Tue 25-Sep-12 17:57:47

hi thanks for your messages,
I have spoken to him,
his answer was ‘whatever' and we haven't spoken since,

you maybe right with the control thing, I've even mentioned this to him but he does not agree.
we spoke last week about my brother in law talking to DH about his wife staying at home after the kids are all at school and she had not gone back to work, etc and my dh told him that if when our youngest goes to school there is no way I'm sitting around the house while he's at work, that he would not put up with that, he said he was using us an eg,, the whole she'll do as shes told kind of thing,,? why use me as an eg? I've no intension of staying at home I'd be pulling my hair out with boredom.
I've already told him I want to go bk to college and grab a career I enjoy,
but it's the whole she'll do as she's told attitude I don't like, has he got all the males thinking that I toe the line?

I'm now going to be working along side him, as he thinks the business will work better me being there according to him, to take off some of the pressure,, but I'm now beginning to think its just so he can keep an eye on me as he has own self problems with trust? maybe?

I've seen a few sides to my DH over these past six months that I don't like,

we walked pass a car that was a jag and I'd said if it wasn't for the jag sign you could pass it off as a basic Audi and its was metal due to the price just because of the jag sign,
he was so embarrassed by me and said I'm like one of those loud mouth woman and cringed and walked on? angry which is going back on what he said the week before about how different I am spoken to my family back home who are more broard, that I'll be classed as a posh speaker back home now?
he's driving me nuts tbh,

I'm sorry for the long rant I need to get this off my chest without causing any more stupid arguments and see some sence is to why he's behaving this way.

Mayisout Tue 25-Sep-12 19:29:53

He seems to have low self esteem -
hence embarrassed by your accent (or whatever it was).
Worried that you will be better than him (maybe doesn't want you to go to college).
Frightened you will go off with someone else (wants you to work with him and worried you will go to the bar for a drink by yourself).
Showing his pals who's boss (telling them there is no way you will sit at home).

Was he always like this? What's brought this on?
Tell him how much he means to you blah blah and boost his self esteem. Then when appropriate have a sit down and talk about your future career wishes.

liverLadyLass Wed 26-Sep-12 11:23:00

hi may thanks for your message,
it makes a lot of sense, maybe I've got it wrong and it is just low self esteem?
it'll be better to deal with if it is?
he's always been the same, just lately over the past six months its gotten worse.
I now he's stressed at work too and I've been putting his outbursts to that up until now,
I felt he was taking it out on me for the stress of the business.
I have spoken to DH about my plans of going bk to college last night and have told him I will be going back to study at evenings so I don't disrupt the family and I can still work along side him,
so everyone's happy,
my DH thinks because he works that he does not have to involve himself in other stuff like homework dishes etc,
I've explained to him that if I'm working and going to college he will need to help out with the children and the home.
I'm still off with him and will be until he apologises.

garlicnutty Wed 26-Sep-12 19:14:31

I really want to be wrong, LLL, but I'm worried that your H is starting to show a nasty, controlling side and this is why the seemingly minor things in your posts are getting to you. My ex came out with a lot of insulting twaddle, which I put down to 'making himself big' in front of friends, as did everyone else. I just thought he needed to grow up a bit a lot. It got worse. I didn't realise, until after we split, that he'd systematically undermined me to the extent I was almost scared to talk to anyone. By the end, I was always pre-checking my words before speaking, so as to avoid upsetting him, making sure I had the right expression on my face and generally tip-toeing on eggshells. Like you I was confident & outspoken when we met - I didn't notice myself changing.

So, obviously I hope your man's blustering and can be brought short by a stern talking-to! But I'm asking you if you do feel you're walking on eggshells at all?

Did all this get worse after you decided to go to college? Does he feel you're too good for him??

liverLadyLass Wed 26-Sep-12 22:58:06

Garl thanks for you comment,
I've read your comment over and over again, and everything you say describes his behaviour, what I've been trying to make sence of in my head,,
the undermining to saying things so I don't upset him,
my head is fuzzy ATM

if I'm completely honest,
I was never outgoing, I never have been I've never wanted to be heard or seen and that's due to my past,,
and after months of seeing a councillor he's made me see things more differently, and I was being more confident and out going and outspoken after it which I'd never do beforehand, I'd hide behind my DH, due to my own lack confidence to speak to people. etc
and it's weird that's when all this lack of confidence and low self esteem has started in him, hmm

these silly annoying things I would of just probably got on with in the past, but now I question things more and think of it more?
if that makes any sense?
or is it maybe me that's over analyses it??

I've mentioned to him to talk to a councillor to, that it will help with his stress of the business, but if I'm honest it's also to help him understand that behaving the way he does sometimes is not right and it upset me, he does not think he needs to, he nows better kind of thing..hmm

he's very hard working, tries and gives us everything we need and want, and always goes the extra mile for us,
but times I feel because of this I've no right, or I'm awful for feeling the way i do sometimes? like I should just be greatful and his behaviour should be forgotten confusedconfusedconfused

liverLadyLass Thu 27-Sep-12 10:08:02

goes to bed last night, and he smooches in like all is forgotten,
I told him I was still peed of with him and was going to be until he apologises,
he'd said that he was waiting for me to apologise, when I asked what for ? and He'd said be ause I'd of stayed for a few drinks before coming back?
and that was his opinion, I explained what annoyed me, that he said that I would of stayed and left my kids in the darkness and that he would think so low of me upset me, he then went on to say it again, I now what your like tho, I asked him to explain what he meant by that and all he did was repeat what he said about staying,
so I let my belly roll,
not only did I never ever do it before, nor ever gave him a reason to believe that,

the fact he told me NO and that was it final, embarrassing me in front of his brother and sister in law,
made me have every reason to be angry with him, and that my feeling are valid and is not going to be taken otherwise, that until he says sorry I will not be speaking to him,
he says he'll not be sorry as he believes what he's says would of happened and that I need to appologise for it?? angry
then the Moching started,
I'm just the same as my family Moching the way we speak, that he can't get a word in that I don't listen, if I can find better go ahead?
I says calmly! I'm angry I've not fell out of love, and that his problem was I was answering back and he wasn't used to it and he doesn't like it,
and after telling me to grow up hmm
he said he was sleeping downstairs,
I had said ok goodnight and he storms off slamming the door?
who's needing to grow up hmm

he's away to work before I got up,

BadLad Thu 27-Sep-12 10:10:56

I don't understand - what would have been the problem if you had stayed for a few drinks at the bar? Have I missed something?

garlicnutty Thu 27-Sep-12 10:17:09

He said YOU need to apologise because HE says you would have stayed for a drink? confused

First off, you won some money while you were out with your pal. So, if you'd had a few drinks to celebrate, that would have been normal.
Second, you did not stop out for a few more. So this isn't "what you're like".
Third, he made a critical comment about you. As we've seen, he was wrong. So he should have apologised to you.

No wonder your head gets mixed up, he's being irrationally horrible!

What's Moching?

lottiegarbanzo Thu 27-Sep-12 10:23:44


liverLadyLass Thu 27-Sep-12 10:41:10

it's when he mimicks me speaking but put on another voice which he thinks is how I talk,,
high pitched and common muck!!!!

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