Emma Thompsons words at the end of "Love Actually"

[bogeyface]

Made me cry again tonight.

After she finds out he has been cheating her, she says to Alan Rickman "What would you do if you were me?..........................would you stay? Knowing life would always be a little bit worse?"

Thats what I did. I went from meeting him at the airport with love and kisses and thankfulness that he was back in one piece, to a peck on the cheek and stilted conversation. I went from meeting him at the door with a smile and a kiss to "look, Daddy's home" while I go back into the kitchen to finish dinner. From never questioning anything to my heart and mind going into overdrive every time I realise he has put his phone on silent because he was in a meeting, was it really a meeting.....?

It is always a little bit worse :(

Sorry, have had two glasses of so probably being maudlin, but that scene always makes me cry.

[CrispyHedgehog]

It's true.
And I haven't seen the film in ages but your post and recent events have just made me cry a little bit too :(

[bogeyface]

Oh crispy, I am sorry that you are going through it too :( I am 15 months on from "discovery day" and in some ways I am better but in others I feel that I havent moved on at all.

I didnt mean to upset anyone, but please do know that you are not alone xxx

[preggofabulous]

Wow, that's really moving, and heartbreaking

[CrispyHedgehog]

two and a a half years for me. Finally gave up 6 months ago and he moved out. He says he's changed, blah blah so I agreed to go out with him a few times in the last couple of weeks.. Didn't want to have sex with him. Didn't even kiss him.
Seems it was my body protecting me, turns out he only came after me again because he contacted ex-ow and she didn't want him.

so in the last hour I'[ve told him to fuck off and never contact me again. His answer... "but I was single" well guess what.. you still are! now fuck off! at myself for even giving him a few hours of my time.

[bogeyface]

"but I was single" well guess what.. you still are! now fuck off!

Thank you for making me laugh! I was going to say that hopefully he will have realised a few things about himself because neither of you want him but these delusional dickheads can never do anything but blame us can they?

Good for you :)

[CrispyHedgehog]

Thanks bogey - glad I was able to make you smile.. are you still with your dh/dp?

If you are, I think it takes a long time to recover.. and it's never 100% the same.. but if he's willing to be honest and take a good hard look at himself and accept that it was his doing and not your fault at all.. you can make a better relationship. There used to be a poster called whenwillifeelnormal who wrote some really helpful stuff a couple of years ago, she really helped me and a lot of other people, might be worth looking out some of her posts.

Sadly mine was an immature twat who never takes responsibility for anything and loved throwing pity parties for himself.

Chin up girlie.. it will get better, one way or the other x

[bogeyface]

We are still together but only because of a major health issue that means we cant do anything else at the moment. He had taken responsibility, but his issues from his upbringing mean that he always has to keep secrets. Without therapy (which he has finally admitted he needs) then nothing will change :(

[bogeyface]

Tbh I wish I had left before the health issues (mine, not his) came to light, because then I wouldnt be living the life that "would always be a little bit worse". :(

[CrispyHedgehog]

That sounds really hard.
At least he admits he needs therapy.. hopefully that will help.. it just feels like such a slow process to go through :(

I need to get some sleep now but I'll be around tomorrow if you want to chat x

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I don't think I will be able to watch that film for a long time. I'm only on day 12 and we are staying together, having counseling next week, talking about it constantly at the moment. Ironically I said a very similar thing to DH last night 'it'll never be the same, even if it feels and appears on the outside as if it is'.

[ToothbrushThief]

Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now (from the film) never ceases to make me think about staying after an affair and the scar that it always leaves. I have vowed NEVER ever to do that, accept that or live like that again. Even if it means being single and lonely. I'm never as lonely as I was when married.

[ToothbrushThief]

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Thompson was wrong. Life is not 'a little bit worse' it's 'a lot worse'. Because it's like a splinter under the skin, starting as a sharp pain that you can ignore if you keep busy and not think about it too much... but which buries itself so deep that you can no longer ignore it and it starts keeping you awake at nights. There will come a point where you have to deal with it properly... until then it's a lot worse.

[brass]

The bit that gets me is when Alan Rickman says he's been a fool, Emma Thompson replies:

Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too

[Mumsyblouse]

I cry at this moment everytime, Emma Thompson is such a good actress and it breaks my heart.

[sugarice]

I'm always in bits when she's crying in the bedroom, smoothes the bed down and tries to gather herself before going back downstairs

[porridgelover]

Yes that piece where she is upstairs before putting her game face on with Joni singing.....
Before, I always found that very moving but after STBXH I find it pretty much unbearable. Fabulous acting though.
She went through some of it with Kenneth 'Brunel' Brannagh didnt she?

[BornToFolk]

Ah yes "you have made my life foolish" is exactly how I felt when I found out. My previous life felt very foolish indeed.

That scene made me cry before, but I don't think I'll ever be able to watch it again. Far too close to home. Whoever wrote (as it Richard Curtis?) it knew exactly how it feels to be cheated on.

Hugs to you bogeyface, I hope life isn't always a little bit (or a lot) worse.

[MummysHappyPills]

Sugar ice that's the bit that gets me too. She is such a good actress. That's how it is in real life. Not dramatic wails and sobbing. More often than not you're trying so desperately hard to hold it together and before you know it the tears are spilling over and you are there just fanning your face and trying to catch the tears do you don't ruin your make up and noone can tell.

[fiventhree]

Chin up Ladies, there is another side........

I was cheated on for five and a half years, with a few vehemently denied suspicions creeping in from time to time, so I felt very fucking foolish indeed.

I also wince at that scene, which I knew well, and was actually a film DH loves and which we saw when he was in fact up to it all. The shit!

However, although I feel quite pained still, after nearly a year, when I think of it, and also unsure how far I ever got to the full truth, I also feel a LOT stronger in myself, and certain I would never let this happen to me again.

My life has changed, and DH tries on far far less of any nonsense and unreasonableness he used to pull off, as I think he saw how it related to the infidelity and also he knows I wouldnt tolerate it and stay.

This did not come about as a result of his guilt, or me being controlling. I just, having spent a few months angsting about why he had done this and what his issues were, moved on to the much more useful subject of me, and why I was like I had been.

I read heaps, eg Carnes on exploitative relationships and also Cloud and Thompson on developing boundaries, and practised and internalised what I learned, and it really helped me to recognise unhelpful patterns in both of us.

He has NOT done this work ie read or had therapy, which has disappointed me, but I have decided it is his loss, and he is certainly learning what I think is fair in a relationship. And to be fair, he is Ok with it 90% of the time.

[familyscapegoat]

That part of the film devastated me when it came out, but it doesn't now because I know it doesn't have to be like that.

Life doesn't have to be a 'little bit worse' at all. It can actually be an opportunity for life to become 'a whole lot better' as long as you know your own worth and don't let someone else's actions define you or how your life will become.

Many years ago my husband had a brief affair quite similar to the one in the film, after we'd been married for 20+ years. The affair transformed us both. After the initial devastation, I decided that the most positive thing to do was to make this a catalyst for a better life - not a worse one - and that the only person who could make that happen in my own life was me.

My husband was on the same page and so he set about a transformation process on himself and faced his demons, taking complete responsibility for his behaviour. He realised very early on that the affair itself was fairly insignificant. It was just another example of his tendency to be selfish. He's a much better husband and indeed man than he was before. Staying with my husband was one of the wisest choices I've ever made but I only made it once I'd seen how life could be with someone who was an equal partner in our relationship, making the same efforts as me.

It kick-started my own transformation process too. Although I'd always been an assertive person at work and in relationships I'd formed as an adult, it made me realise I'd been making too many allowances for other people's bad behaviour towards me, specifically my family of origin.

The most powerful lesson I learnt was that I had a choice whether to surround myself with people who enhanced my life and that if I kept tolerating unacceptable behaviour, I had only myself to blame because that was a choice I'd made.

I'm a much happier woman all these years later. I've got a very happy marriage, amazing kids, a career I love, wonderful friends and renewed respect from my birth family.

The post-scripts I like to imagine for that film have different marriage outcomes but the same in terms of Emma Thompson's happiness.

One is that Alan Rickman realises how much he's been taking his wife and family for granted and makes changes, while she realises how much she's been defined by being a wife, mum and the PM's sister and starts realising her own individual potential. They stay together and they are much happier as individuals and as a couple. The other is that he doesn't change and she decides to go on the same individual journey to happiness and fulfilment as a person in her own right.

Life might get 'a little bit worse' or even 'a lot worse' if you let yourself become a victim of life and other people's behaviour. It gets a lot better once you decide that what ever your life becomes, it will be your choice.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

familyscapegoat what wise words! Thank you. I've copied and pasted your post to an email to my DH, I hope you don't mind. That exactly describes what he wants to happen, to both of us. He's doing everything he can to change things from his side, his affair was terribly trivial, so trivial it amazes me if I stand back and look at it objectively how much hurt it has caused, and he has been evaluating the past in some depth (as I have). We're going to have some counseling as well. It's still very early days for us though.

[GentleLentilWeaver]

Oh God, this thread is totally making me cry! Emma Thompson's performance in that film gets me every time. Props to those of you going through the same thing :(