Finally seen the light after years of abuse

[MissJayTea]

Sorry, name change.

I have posted on here many times over the years under many names about h.

His behaviour has contributed greatly to my many mental problems which mean I'm currently dosed to the max with various medications.

He has emotionally and psychically abused me for years. He has sexually assaulted me as I've slept and gas lighted me too. still I've stayed for the kids.

But dd1 (his step daughter) is a teenager now and these past few weeks I've felt his behaviour towards her shift. I confronted him last night and he eventually confirmed that his feelings towards her border on inappropriate.

I slept in the dd's bedroom last night and will do so until he has gone.

I absolutely need him gone ASAP and told him this last night. He has tennants in his house and will give them notice today.

I don't work and am financially dependant on him. I don't know how to claim benefits.

I have no family or friends to turn to at all any more.

I need support please. I don't know what I should do today beyond getting a shower in a mo. I feel sick and frightened and alone.

I phoned GP this morning and have an appointment at half 4 as I'm having panic attacks. I also just emailed home start.

Please tell me what I need to do

[MissJayTea]

Sorry for typos. On mobile Phone.

[fiventhree]

Oh god msjt, I hardly know, but you are brilliant to now take the stand you have, especially after all those years of abuse wearing you down.

I think he needs to leave now, and make other arrangements until tenants can move out.

I think you should confide the story in your doctor- it really will help for them to understand where you are coming from.

Does step daughter have any inkling of what is going on?

[MissJayTea]

No she has no idea.

He needs to go ASAP doesn't he.

[delilahlilah]

Yes, he needs to go. Don't doubt yourself. Go to your local CAB for advice, or the Job centre. Apply for housing benefit and council tax benefit asap - you can do that and tell them you are waiting for your benefits to be sorted out.

[MissJayTea]

How do I apply for the benefits?

[Anniegetyourgun]

There's plenty of advice on the net too, such as Citizens Advice on splitting up, Directgov which can give you an idea of what you're entitled to, and, of course, Gingerbread. There's also a lone parent topic on Mumsnet which hopefully can give you good advice and moral support.

Good luck. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Protecting your child comes before everything.

[delilahlilah]

Google your local housing benefits section and wither give them a call or email them and request forms for council tax / housing benefit. They will send them out by post.

[delilahlilah]

wither??? either*

[NicknameTaken]

I'm so glad you're taking action to protect dd. It can easier to act when you're protecting someone else other than yourself.

I strongly recommend getting in touch with Women's Aid or IDVA (Independent DV Advisor) - you'll find your local one if you google. They can talk you through the practical steps you need to take.

This is very doable. Try to claim the benefits sooner rather than later, because they don't come through instantly. If you google your local council, all the information will be there.

Just sit down at your computer and make a list - you don't have to do it all instantly - one a day is okay.

To start you off:

Women's Aid/IDVA
Benefits - local job centre
Housing - local council to sort out housing benefit and council tax benefit (and get single person's discount on council tax, if relevant)
Tax credits - inform them he moved out and your income has changed.


And remember - if he hesitates even slightly, off you go to the police. In fact, I urge you to go anyway. They won't do anything just because he's had certain thoughts about your dd, but you can "use" his abuse of you to have him arrested. You can and should make sure that his abuse is on record in case you need to challenge him getting unsupervised access to your dcs.

[fiventhree]

JT, just ring the benefits agency and ask them, or look on their website for advice. i think you have to go to an office to start the claim, though, it can be done by post from the off.

Lots and lots of women on here have done it, without a clue when they started.

Is there anyone in real life you can confide in, for support? If not, ask the GP for counselling support to get you through this.

[WildWorld2004]

Firstly you have done the best thing for you and you dc by kicking him out.

Go to your jobcentre or direct gov online and it will tell you what benefits you can apply for and u can apply for them online. Phone your local council and they will sort out housing/council tax benefit.

[delilahlilah]

Re Tax Credits - you need to call them and cancel the joint claim and request a new application to claim as a single person. It's easy enough to do. If you can't get through to them on the phone, choose the option to get a new application pack sent out and just enclose a covering letter explaining about the existing claim.

[NicknameTaken]

I just want to emphasize that even if all this bureaucracy sounds scary, it's actually pretty easy when you do it. You just plod along, step by step.

[MissJayTea]

Thank you.
I just phoned womens aid. They were busy but have left my number for somebody to call back.

I'm going to take dd2 for a walk. Feel sick and need some air.

[NicknameTaken]

I'm not surprised you feel sick. This is a really painful and difficult thing to do. I'm full of admiration for you that you're facing up to the situation and taking action. Every time you have a wobble, look at your dd1's face. You can do this, you really can.

[MissJayTea]

Thank you all.

WA just phoned me back. Spoke to a lovely women but I could only speak for 5 minutes because it's the first time I've spoke about it out loud and I started to feel really panicky. She strongly suggested telling my GP about the abuse. I will phone them back later too.

[Sweetiesmum]

hi, hope you, your dd1/stepdaughter and all other children are ok.

Well done for speaking to the WA worker. You are a life saver for your child, she needs you so much now.
have u seen GP yet, well done for making urgent appt. Your GP will totally understand the urgency- your child's safety is paramount now.

Are u able to go to a shelter for tonight with your children? Do WA know of one nearby? Your safety and your DD's comes first.

My friend used to say
think of the feeling you want e.g. inner calm or courage
Then, imagine breathing the feeling in very deeply with a big strong deep breath
Say the feeling in your mind (think COURAGE as you breathe in slowly, deeply,then breathe out, keep repeating for a few more deep breaths as needed

Sending love and strength((hugs))

[izzyizin]

It is important that what has been going on in your marriage is documented and, in particular, your h's admission that his feelings towards your dd are 'bordering on inappropriate'.

I hope that your GP will be receptive but please don't be discouraged if they don't appear to respond to your concerns as you would like as, unfortunately, some medics are not 'people persons'.

Now that you have begun to speak about the abuse you have endured, and the abuse that may be visited on your dd if this man is not removed from her life asap, it's to be hoped that the floodgate, as it were, has been opened and you will find the courage to proclaim the truth at every appropriate opportunity.

Women's Aid will support you and will advise on the various courses of action you can take to get him out of your home if he does not go willingly. WA can also recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and you are best advised to proceed to divorce sooner rather than later as the rules on entitlement to legal aid for divorce matters will undergo dramatic change early next year.

In view of the risk posed by this man to your dd, he needs to be out of your home before his tenants have left his house. If he won't agree to move out by the weekend I would suggest you give consideration to making contact with your local police Child Protection Unit. Of course, this Unit are not thought poice and cannot bring charges unless an offence has been committed but, nevertheless, they can have a word with him if he's reluctant to move out.

It may be that if you tell him that unless he's gone by tomorrow night you have been advised to report your concerns and your abuse to the police, he'll realise that his game is well and truly up. However, you may need to be stronger than you have been previously to get this message over in a suitably forceful and convincing manner.

Should he at any time behave in a threatening or intimidating manner please don't hesitate to call 999 and have the police remove him from your home. If you should need to involve the police they will refer you to their domestic violence unit.

I hope all goes well for you and that you'll come back with an update later today.

[MissJayTea]

What a day!

Saw GP and she was actually really good. She prescribed me some diazepam as I'm a bit wound up and referred me for counselling. I couldn't tell her all the details about what has happened but I explained that h has been abusive.

Im taking inboard everything you are telling me. I'm going to speak to h tonight and tell him he needs to be gone by the weekend.

What do I tell the kids? At the moment I don't feel like he should be allowed to see them but my youngest dd who is jyst 3 adores her daddy. It will break her heart to lose him.

[Markingthehours]

MJY - it won't break your 3 year old's heart!

They are so adaptable at that age and very easy to distract .

Anyway you don't have a choice here do you?

He has to leave - or you do. The abuse to you is bad enough - and reason enough to go - and sexual abuse blights people's lives all their lives.

[MissJayTea]

I've spoke to him and he is going to his parents after work tomorrow. I can't wait for him to be gone. I'm going to sleep in with the kids again tonight and he'll have left before we get up in the morning.

I'm so so tired. How did I manage to fuck up so badly? I can't believe how massively I've let my dc down.

[HissyByName]

He chose to abuse.

You are choosing to save them.

That counts as the greatest mum there is.

We're here. You're not alone, you're doing the right thing!

Stay focussed. You'll be better in no time, trust me!

[pyjamalover]

You're so brave.
Please strongly consider changing the locks once he's gone.

[Inadeeptrance]

You have not let your kids down, quite the opposite. You are doing exactly the right thing, and it IS the right thing. I am amazed and in awe of your strength. You can do this, and you have taken the first steps towards a safer, happier life for you and your kids. You're doing everything right, trust yourself.