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Anyone ever been in love with someone they really, never ever could have?

(41 Posts)
Tamz77 Wed 08-Mar-06 17:31:54


Was just thinking about posting this as a topic for discussion as it is now five and a half years since I fell in love with the best friend of the father of my child. Hurrah! Not.

I had been with ex for a couple of months before I met his BF who was closer to my age and whom I had much more in common with. We always spent a lot of time together as a threesome (not in that way...unfortunately), had some really good nights. I often caught BF looking at me funny - long, hard, plaintive gazes - and felt that the attraction was probably reciprocated in some way, though I'm not sure to what extent.

I literally fell for him the moment I saw him (in the middle of the night in an Asda car park, as it happened). Ex and I never worked out, we split up when I was pg, and are now nothing more than civilised friends/co-parents. However it makes me feel quite sad that nothing ever happened, or ever will, between me and BF. It is almost as though he is 'The One' and I can't have him, and that anything else I have is just messing around, filling time before I die a lonely old spinster.

Of course BF is a faithful BF and would never betray ex. Ex used to joke that there was an attraction between us. Well there was. He is gorgeous, everything I could ever wish for, we can talk for hours, even think the same thoughts. But it ain't never gonna happen.

Anyone had anything similar?

Radley Wed 08-Mar-06 17:40:32

Yes, someone i worked with, he was married and had a little girl, nothing happened between us, he felt the same about me too, but didn't want to leave his little girl, not seen him in a few years, I think the last time that I saw him was on the first day of my honeymoon with dh. When he saw me he stood watching me for ages

yup Wed 08-Mar-06 17:41:22

Yup and it is killing me

ohgodyes Wed 08-Mar-06 17:44:24

It is miserable and horrible.

Radley Wed 08-Mar-06 17:46:04

I don't know which is worse, when it is reciprocated or not

Piffle Wed 08-Mar-06 17:49:23

Yes, it was pretty devastating at the time, we did kiss and teh frisson was incredible, but he was torn between reconciling with his wife and her kids, and I could not bear that he would not choose me, so I opted out to save him the choice.
He did not go back to her but moved abroad
I also wanted kids and he did not. So that eventually would have broken us up.

Radley Wed 08-Mar-06 17:55:34

Well, when i say nothing happened, it was the one kiss and it was electric, that was just before he left where we worked, we did bump into each other in the town after occasionally

desperateSCOUSEwife Wed 08-Mar-06 18:12:08

is there no way you could "go for it" iykwim
if you and ex are on civil terms surely he would want to be happy for both of you

my advice is to follow your heart on this one
as you never know what the future holds

cupcakes Wed 08-Mar-06 18:16:04

Tam - I can't see why you and bf can't be together. Would your ex really want you to spend the rest of your lives unhappy?

Radley Wed 08-Mar-06 18:18:24

if your ex's bf is single, why not try and arrange to meet up for a coffee as friends and take if from there.

Radley Wed 08-Mar-06 18:18:25

if your ex's bf is single, why not try and arrange to meet up for a coffee as friends and take if from there.

spangles Wed 08-Mar-06 21:10:11

I agree with Radley... why cant you be together.. life is too short NOT to be together if you both feel the same

Tamz77 Thu 09-Mar-06 20:49:01

I honestly don't think I could; ex would never ever be happy for us. He's the type that if the girl at the post office gives him the wrong change he'll hold it against her for life. And I couldn't really blame him in this situation; imagine your best friend and the father of your kids getting together and raising them together under your nose, that would be a nightmare. Anyway, BF would never do it, I'm sure. We've never got close enough to have that kind of conversation, but he and ex have been mates for about thirteen years now, and are about as close as two straight men can get.

I appreciate all your stories, all so sad (and I mean that, emphatically) but reassuring to know I'm not the only one pining for something unattainable!

Thank you

Dior Thu 09-Mar-06 20:53:21

Message withdrawn

lilianna Thu 09-Mar-06 21:03:16

is there no way you could be together? i was in love with my husbands older brother.

Tamz77 Thu 09-Mar-06 21:48:15

Really lilianna? What happened? Was it reciprocated? Did anything ever come of it?

lilianna Thu 09-Mar-06 21:57:38

yes really. I left my husband for him and 19months later we are still together with a 7month old, a baby on the way and my eldest 2.

therenow Fri 10-Mar-06 13:11:40

I'm at this point now. Horrible story, and a warning to anyone who's thinking about it.

Am not too happy with dh. he's a great mate, father etc. but I've never been in love with him. Up to a year ago was reasonably happy with my lot - good lifestyle together, 2 beautiful kids, good social life. We're good mates, sex is Ok if infrequent, but I was content.

Until a man we have been friends with for a few years and I realised there was this big attraction between us. We embarked on an affair. I don;t know why he did. I think he is happily married. although it started out as a casual but fun fling, for me it turned into real love. I cannot bear to be apart from this man. My heart pounds when I see him, it aches when I don't. Needless to say his wife found out and went ballistic. Fortunately she did not tell my dh, but the upshot is that they have moved away. We do not see them anymore. I am left with an unhappy marriage. I desperately want to be with this man and can't be.

It also hurts so much that I know his wife treats him like crap and I would treat him so much better. I often wonder if I ought to let him know how I feel, but what would be the point. In all likelihood he doesn't feel the same way. In the meantime I am trying to re-kindle something with my dh, but it's just not there...

WharfRat Fri 10-Mar-06 13:28:49

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 Fri 10-Mar-06 14:45:16

yes and it nevere eases.

Sippy Fri 30-Jun-06 05:34:25

I am married 18 years this October with three kids, I have been thorugh the wringer as so to speak, abuse(verbal and abusive) but meet a guy 8 years ago who has become my best friend. I can tell him anything, and I mean anything. I did tell him about how I felt for him because he did say he wouldn't run for the nearest hills like some guys would if you told them your feeling especially being married. He know now and it was something i needed to get off my chest. But I go through the heart thumps so hard when I see him, I get anxious if I don't see him, My heart aches also, so bad that I have crying fits because it hurts so much that I love this guy with my everything. He has a girlfriend of 6 years and is talking about a mortgage etc.. This is killing me. I haven't on the other hand told him that I love him so much that it hurts, because I cannot be someone to come between two other people, it is not fair but why me. When we are together we have the best time, he even says so. I have tried to rekindle my feelings for my husband and go day to day like nothing is wrong or changed. My husband thinks everything is fine but it is really hard to build up so many feelings that it makes you cry so hard that you don't know what to do or how to change it. I know my friend has the same feelings for me but you know guys they don't make it known or won't tell you if confronted. I think he is quite content knowing his girlfriend is so depndant on him and I know he feels important because he is 28 and she is 38..

I know he is my soulmate my husband isn't. My friend and I have so much in common. What do I do, I am nearly forty and I feel like everything is slipping away and if something isn't done or said to my friend I am so worried he will get married and then it will be too late. But he has spoken about marriage with his girlfriend fours years ago and never done it. I have to get rid of my first relationship because he probably feels like "if she doesn't end her marriage and I give up my life whilst she is still married maybe I will ruin everything." that is what he is probably thinking. I hate going through this hell it hurts like I have never felt like before and it doesn't get better

I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.

pindy Fri 30-Jun-06 06:26:46

Tamz - go for it. My dh (married before) has a dd (now 22) with his ex wife. She went off with his best friend (best man at the wedding etc etc) and to be really honest dh says that if couldn't be there to bring up his dd on a day to day basis - then the only person he could trust completely to do it was his bf. Obviously it hurt like hell at the time and their friendship was never the same (to put it lightly, but it was his xw that made it worse, feel that she felt guilty and blamed dh for "making her do it"!) but he felt that his dd was safe and being very well cared for. This was now nearly 20 years ago.

Good luck x

joelallie Fri 30-Jun-06 07:10:37

Yes. One just after I got married and he was just so 100% gorgeous and was ready to leave his gf for me - nothing happened but there is still a little bit of me that wonders if I didn't make a mistake in some ways.... [sigh]

And now one of DH's best mates. Don't really fancy him that much TBH but it's simply flattering that he likes me I guess. Boosts the old ego. Wouldn't have the time of the opportunity (or the energy) to do anything about it these says..

givenup Fri 30-Jun-06 07:50:34

Oh hell yes. Total soulmates, both admit we're everythging the other wants - but he's married (unhappily) and would never break up his family, cheat, or do anything dishonorable.
No one else ever matches up, reckon I'll never want anyone else.
So fgs go for it if your soulmate is single, you have nothing to lose.

benbenandme Sat 01-Jul-06 22:31:18

Yeah, totally know how it feels - my problem is the one person I want is ds daddy. Only he doesnt want me anymore. He left us nearly a year ago (ds was nearly 2) and moved in with someone from work the same week.

Have met someone else but deep down I know its just company and sex - I fancy him and we have a laugh but it is nothing compared to my ex.

Breaks my heart when he comes to collect ds once a week, with her, and they then go and play happy families with my baby ... wish I could move on and get over it ... have never felt anything like it for anyone else before though and am so scared I'll never feel like it about anyone else again

Feel like I'm just existing day-to-day and would love to be able to enjoy my life again or even to feel relatively happy. Don't get me wrong, I am enormously thankful for ds, he is my world and I wouldnt be without him for anything, but there is a permanent huge void in my life that I can't fill ...

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