Called off engagement am i over reacting

[krissydw1]

Hi All sorry if i babale but am so confused at the moment and am not really sure what to think. To cut a long story short over a year ago i came out of an abusive relationship and a few months after met a lovely new man we have dated just seeing each other at weekends as we live an hour appart he has work there and i have babies here. Although it has been hard just seeing each other part time we really fell in love hes fab with the kids and we also do music together with his group every other weekend.

Anyways things have been mostly fine other than i want to move in together and he feels its to early as he would like to move to a half way point rather than move here he has been hurt so have i so part of me feels its good to have time together and appart as i still get time to be alone and i think i am still adjusting to living without my ex i get so lonley and want my new man hee but also know i need to learn to be alone again after the break up of my long term relationship

Anways me and my boyfriend have always got on well and share a mutual love and respect just over a month ago he randomly asked me to marry him and i said yes it wanst planned so there was no ring or anything so i just put on one he got me for my birthday and both of us were really exited. Anyways for the first week or so i was pretty chilled about it all as am not the tryoe to go for big drama and then when i started researching venurs etc i got all frantic trying to get something booked venue wise quick as we said we would do it within a year my idea. Basicly we have rowed terribly since he said he felt i was going crazy going at it so fast and just wanted to enjoy being engaged before planning a wedding imediatly. I just thought i was doing the right thing and that he would share my exitment. Anywasy we have rowed so much since getting engaged that i callled it off then wanted it back dont know what to do now he says he loves me still but how can we get married when we have been rowing so much and needs to think he said we could still be engaged but if hes having doubts whats the point. I know he does still love me and praps just wants a longer engagement to enjoy before all the pressure of planning a wedding. But it seems to have gone so wrong we cant talk he does not want to talk about weddings till we get back to normal and i cant seem to drop the subject as i so wanted to get married HELPPPPPPPPPP

[JustFabulous]

Slow down.

You have children so have to take things a bit slower so that they don't get hurt if things don't work out.

Just enjoy being together. If it is going to work out you have the rest of your lives together. Enjoy the dating and the excitement of seeing each other or else you will push him away.

[amillionyears]

I think the keys words are "I get so lonely".
Dont know the answer to that one,and I expect others on here can help you with that.
You are putting a lot of pressure on him.Like JustFab said,slow down.He sounds very steady,probably just what you need,his pace sounds fine to me.

[Kewcumber]

Do you really lobe him or do you just want to be married? It isn't that clear to me which so it probably isn't clear to him. I'd be alarmed in his shoes too about the manic wedding planning so quickly.

[izzyizin]

Jeez, take your foot off the pedal before this relationship runs out of gas, honey.

There's nothing wrong with a long engagement - ask Ken Dodd's fiance

The words 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' as well as 'out of the frying pan, into the fire' come to mind.

Bridezilla is not a flattering look. Enjoy the fact that he's given you a token of his esteem and commitment, and get to know yourself as well as him before you make any plans to tie the knot.

[Mollydoggerson]

I think I'ld call off the engagement and slow things right down and try to start from scratch. Maybe even give yourself a break for a month or two to clear your head.

[izzyizin]

And do it right this time round. A 2 year engagement and a beautiful wedding and honeymoon before you give thought to having any more babies.

[startlife]

Please slow down. You seem to be in a rush to have a wedding but your b/f is being very sensible. It takes at least 2 years to know someone, why are you feeling the need to rush? If you have children then you need to think about what will happen if you rush this relationship and it fails.

How old are you? There is nothing to be gained by getting married quickly, why do you think it will change or make the situation better? Your b/f is trying to get you to focus on the relationship rather than a wedding. Listen to that.

Before you marry I would suggest you live together and make sure you are 100% on the same page about finances, parenting, step parenting (as he will be a step dad), household chores etc

For your children's sake take this relationship slowly

[emsyj]

You seem to have been together for less than a year (is that right?) So he isn't ready to move in, but wants to be engaged?? I don't get that part. IMO it's too soon to either move in or get married.

Step back a bit for a good while (as others have said) and don't be in a rush to cement this into something permanent - it's too soon.

[krissydw1]

HI GUYS THANKS FOR THE ADVICE ........TO answers your questions we have been together just over a year i do love him and want to marry him we had said a year engagement then marry and move in after we get married get a place together etc but since we started rowing he said he would prefer a 2 year engagement to take the pressure of give time to save etc. I suppose i want a commitment from him sooner rather than later as living appart when you love each other is hard. I am 31 and have twins 4 years from a previous relationship violent etc. I understand rushing and turning into bridezilla is not a good move but i wnet on with his feedback to have a look at venues research etc praps i took things to far to quickly . I just kep thtinking he asked me to marry him and if you know you want to get married why wait. He is more cautious and i am quite shocked he asked me i know he asked me out of love its just a shame we a potential wedding seems to have ruined what we had should i just forget the lot ????

I dont really know what am thinking now all i know isthat him and me were lovely and happy before this

[krissydw1]

your right it seems that the wedding has taken the enjoyment out of the dating and seeing each other and i think i have pushed him away but he says he knows he loves me .....

[squeakytoy]

I really do think that you should live with him before rushing into marriage.

It is fine to say "why wait" if you dont have young children, but you have to consider them in all of this.

[krissydw1]

yes indeed i just see that marrige is more of a commitment to both of us than just moving in together it kind of meant something to me to do things the right way round for a change and by trying to make it all happen to quick i feel i have ruined what we had and have become insecure about the whole relationship now caused him to pull away etc cos i was to pushy feel terrible about the whole thing. I was so happy when he asked me and so was he

[solidgoldbrass]

You really do need to slow down. It's not a good idea to be this desperate for a wedding with a bloke you've known for less than a year. There is no need to rush.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

It seems very odd that he's ready to get engaged but not ready to move in with you. It's almost like he wants to make a commitment in name only. You are now engaged but nothing has actually changed, he hasn't made any steps towards a practical commitment to you.

[krissydw1]

correct its somewhat confusing he asked me to marry him but no moves towards seeing each other more infact since all the rowing we have seen each other less. I went with what he asked me but have always believed in a short engagement so based on the fact i agreed on it but in a year he agreed i went ahead to try and get things sorted . I have told him he is giving me mixed signals and as a result dont feel i should be engaged since he has wanted to slow it down. He has messed my head up

[izzyizin]

What is an engagement except a commitment in name only, AKINAC?

It wasn't so long ago that an engagement signalled a commitment to plan/save for a wedding which took place some 2/3 years later without the happy couple having moved in together beforehand.

In this case, the pututive groom to be only proposed a month ago and the actual engagement ring has yet to be chosen, but the putative bride to be has gone into Bridezilla mode and is insisting that the marriage take place within the next 12 months.

This smacks of a desperation on the part of the OP that doesn't bode well for her own, or his, future happiness.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

'What is an engagement except a commitment in name only, AKINAC?'

Well exactly. He asked her to marry him, she didn't force him. It is pretty unusual these days to get engaged to someone you only see at weekends and have no intention of living with. I can't blame the op for getting carried away after he proposed, he is giving her mixed messages. Personally I think the op should run a mile from this bloke.

So now she's called the engagement off what happens next? What happens if he proposes again next year then decides he doesn't want to rush things and backs off again? How long will be keep the op dangling with his mixed messages?

[izzyizin]

Given that you have dc to consider, it's just as well you're seeing each other less if you're rowing all the time.

Did he know before he proposed that you 'believe in short engagements'? Would this be a religious belief of yours or is it based on a desperate desire to get them to the altar before they change their mind?

we said we would do it within a year my idea It was your idea to 'do it within a year' and I suspect he may have gone alone with that in the euphoria of the moment until caution set in at a later time and, given he's been hurt too, that doesn't seem unnatural to me.

Relax; if it's going to happen it will happen. And if not, you'll have gained valuable self-knowledge through this experience.

Why not suggest you start over with the engagement; choose a ring together and throw a party to announce your commitment friends/family, And then give consideration to a Christmas wedding in 2013 or set a provisional date for your nuptials in the spring/summer of 2014.

[krissydw1]

he has since said he loves me and wants to be with me but not sure how to move forward wtih things re engament i dont know either and have told him am sorry for being pushy but i am done with pushing for it now. he needs to sort his head out first and so do i i cant ignore all the mixed signals and he seems put off by my keeness even though he asked me and told all his close friends we were going to get married and told me to look at venues the only option i have is to shut down from it all realy

[solidgoldbrass]

I think getting engaged is a good way to get yourself a little breathing space when someone's frantic to marry you and you are not sure yet if you want to marry this person. It's not unreasonable to want a little longer than a few months to make up your mind about marriage, and if the partner is otherwise lovely but gagging for commitment, then it's sometimes a good idea to give in a little. Of course, if it doesn't calm the marriage-obsessed one down then it's best to get out of the relationship as nicely as possible.

[krissydw1]

he needs time to sort his head out ............either i have messed it all up or he shouldnt have asked cos i feel in limbo now

[Chubfuddler]

Calm down. There is no reason to rush, and since there are children involved and you've both had bad past experiences there is every reason to go slow. It sounds like you're desperate to get a done deal now you've hooked him with his proposal. Desperation is not a good look. As my dear old gran used to say "what's meant to be wont pass you by". And as she definitely didn't say, don't marry a man you've never lived with, for the love of God. Don't.

[krissydw1]

i wasnt marrige obseesed or gagging to get engaged before this he brought it all up in the first place lol
i became marrige obssed because i was trying to sort out a wedding in a year and wanted a small no drama thing that was all something so good has gone so wrong so quick maybe thats a sign

[hatesponge]

you seem to be going at this 100 miles an hour...I really would slow down if I were you.

One of my close friends got engaged earlier this year - she and her fiance have made an announcement about their engagement, have been looking at venues, planning, budgeting etc BUT they are not getting married til 2014. They wanted to give themselves plenty of time to plan, save up, have the wedding they want etc.

You don't have to be getting married in the next 12 months to look at venues you know; no reason why you can't set a date for 2014, and start planning towards that, rather than rushing headlong into getting married as quickly as possible.

[izzyizin]

It's written in the stars, whatever will be will be, and all that.

Just take it easy and go with the flow. If you mean anything to him, it'll happen but you need to be prepared for the fact that his timescale may not be your preferred one.