MN Input needed for ''poor me'' thread...single and 31 and losing hope rapidly

[Polkadotfanatic]

Evening girls, I just wanted a bit of input really. I've been single now since 2006 - got out of a pretty bad relationship and tbh it scared me off men for a long while. For the last couple of years (and definitely now that I am in my thirties) I have been looking for something, someone and not finding them.

In a nutshell, I am starting to lose hope - biological clock is not so much ticking as counting down...all of my friends are either living with partners, engaged, married or have kids on the way (one is divorced and with a new partner). What is wrong with me?!?!? :)

Did any of you find your partners in your thirties - please, give me hope!!

I just need a bit of reassurance, if at all possible! If not, a stern talking to may suffice (even though I'm feeling a bit fragile atm) TYIA - Katy x

[joanofarchitrave]

Divorced at 31, three years with 1 date and 1 drunken fumble . Then met dh at 34, had a baby.

TBH I was happiest of all when I was single! Sorry.

[squeakytoy]

I met my husband when I was 31, and got married when I was 33. We have been married for ten years this year.

You have plenty of time yet, so dont go looking for a man as a potential father and for no other reason, look for someone who you can have a laugh with, who makes you laugh and let it go from there is my advice.

[tallwivglasses]

Where are you looking Polkadot?

[Bluestocking]

Met DP at 35, moved in together after one year, had DS at 39. Don't worry - just make sure you take every opportunity to meet new men and if you meet one you like, don't be shy about asking him out.

[Susieloo]

I met my now boyfriend when I was 33 and I've just turned 36 and out first baby is due in 3 weeks, lots of my friends are in similar situations having spent their twenties in long term relationships (me included) that didn't work out, definitely no need for you to worry at all

[melbie]

Polkadot I am there with you! I thought I did not have a biological clock until I split up with my last boyfriend and now I gaze longingly at every family I see. I am living in a city where everyone appears to be married and settled by 25 and I know NO ONE here who is divorced! I feel your pain and am cheered by the stories from other people who have been in the same boat and found someone!

I am depressed by the thought that there may be something hideously wrong with me but I hope not! Good luck!

[Longdistance]

I was VERY single myself for years. Had some flings, but no proper boyfriends, and they wouldn't last.

I had my own house, career, everything going for me........
.......queue to now, met my dh in 2006, married 2 yrs later, am now sahm with 2 dd's (who I wouldn't be without), living in Oz, with no friends, have no fun anymore, and career has gone :(
It isn't all as it seems I;m afraid. I would love to be single again.
We had friends to stay a few months ago. They were single. They stayed in bed til 11am, could come and go as they please. Didn't worry about how much money they spent, and had only themselves to worry about.
I on the other had get about 5 hours sleep a night, and get no quality me time at all.
One of my bf did the same, but she married quicker (10months ), and she seems unhappy too.

All I'm saying is don't rush into it. Enjoy your freedom, it was fun when I was single, I certainly relished it.

[melbie]

I think the grass is always greener to some extent! I think when you have kids you are convinced the rest of the world is out partying and having a great old time! Whereas when you are single you think the rest of the world is either spending their time gazing lovingly into the eyes of their DP/H or snuggled up in bed on a Sunday morning with their perfect DH and kids. Clearly neither is particularly accurate most of the time!

From my point of view I just think I would like the chance to try! I have been in long term relationships, I have been single. I think I am better suited to relationships especially as I get older. I think it is feeling like a team. I had that with my last boyfriend and although us splitting up was right I think I long to have that friendship part back.

Keeping busy is a distraction but the broody pangs are not going away and I want the whole package!

Longdistance- have you tried Poms in Oz website? There are often social things going on for people and often it is SAHMs who are struggling to meet new people. It is hard to form a friendship group in a new city

[dobalina]

I met my husband at 35 after being single for about 5 years. We have been together 4 years now, are married with a 19mo and it couldn't have worked out better. I too thought it would never happen.

[Thumbwitch]

Another one - had been in a long term relationship which ended when I was 28, had a few short relationships after that and then nothing for ages - met DH when I was 35, got married at 39, had DS at 40 and now pg with DC2 4 years later.

Longdistance - sorry to hear that things don't appear to have improved for you. :(

[Longdistance]

Thanks Thumbwitch. It's still really hard, and a struggle.
Dh has improved, and things have worked out there. But, I am really bored. My previous job was so busy, and I used to see so many places, and do so much. For the last month, my dd's have been ill, and have no help either. Dh is hit and miss with waking to help.
My mil is coming next wk for a small hol, so some help, but then I'm coming back to the UK for a hol, as my parents can't travel (both in ill health), I'm coming on my own, as dh has no leave. It's probably the break I need.

Op, the grass is not greener for everyone hun. Your life can so quickly.
I'd say do some internet dating for some fun, that's what I did, just for fun really (my bf met her dh on the net), I was friends with my dh, more of someone we used to bump into when out. Which is how one of my other friends met her dh :)

[Thumbwitch]

Oh I'm glad your DH has improved a bit, and hopefully MIL will make things a bit easier for you. Are you taking the DDs back to the UK with you?
Re. boredom, that's a toughie, especially if the DC are unwell :( - can you find any online work? Still not having much joy with local playgroups etc.?

[Longdistance]

Cos the girls have been unwell, I've been unable to go to playgroups. We've paid for swimming, and gymnastics, and have been unable to go to one or the other. They seem on the mend the last few days, but I've got the bug now lol.
Dh was given the warning about me leaving. I said, this, this and this. He said I was miserable all the time, I said he was the one that made me miserable by xyz, and that there was nothing keeping me and the girls in Oz, and he treated me like crap. He got very upset cried not like him, and next day he was so much more helpful. We now have a joint account, but still haven't seen where the profit from the rent is going. Last nite, he did take over when dd2 woke. I gave her a feed, and then tried to put her back, but she wasn't having any of it. So he was awake with her for a bit :)

[CrikeyOHare]

This is going to sound horribly patronising, so sorry in advance - but 31 really is still very, very young. I know it doesn't feel like it, but trust me it is.

Your biological clock should not be ticking yet - you've got several years at least before you need to start worrying about that. Nearly everyone I know met their other half's well into their 30s, so please don't worry.

Enjoy being young, free & single - accept every invitation, no matter how bizarre, and have fun.

Wish I was 31 again

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've been single for the last 18 years. Had a baby 12 years ago. You don't have to be in a steady relationship to be a mother.

[melbie]

Cogito- I am vaguely considering going it alone (31 now too so not urgent yet) once I am in a more secure position but actually I WANT the relationship too. I just feel ready in a way I have never felt before.

[Mumsyblouse]

OP, don't despair, 31 is young and there's plenty of men out there, depending where you live. I think in lots of the smaller cities and towns, people settle down slightly younger, if you live in London or another large city, it's easier as there's a big population of similarly thirtysomethings (and even fortysomethings) who are looking to find a partner and have a family.

I also echo the person who said enjoy yourself while you can. I have found it hard to adjust to married life as being single is really rather enjoyable and you can please yourself. It's easy to feel taken over by children and the lifestyle that comes with that, although I do feel worth it, but there are lots of good things about single life. If you want to up the rate of meeting nice blokes, try internet dating, going out more, asking someone out if you like them, not saying no to social events etc. There are great threads on Relationships as well for those on the dating scene.

[niminypiminy]

I met (now) DH when I was 34 and he 25 . Had DS1 at 41 and DS2 at 44.

There are good things about being single, and it's important to enjoy those. But my experience is that being in a relationship is much, much better.

A good friend of mine has now been with her DP for 5 years after 15 years of singleness. It's possible! Good luck!

[Polkadotfanatic]

Hi there ...thanks for all the positive stories :)

I think with everyone else getting married and having kids and my mother (who means well, but was married at nineteen and had two kids by the time she was 22) thinking I have ''missed the boat''. Its difficult where I live too (Channel Islands) as there is no great expanse of men and because the population is so low (60 thousand) everyone has had knows everyone else in our peer age.

I am sure things will look up, me and my other single friend are off to London for a weekend in October, so planning to live it up and go a bit crazy! If anyone wants to tell me where all the single, nice guys hang out in London, that would be a massive bonus! :)

Thanks for the support, girls x

[Polkadotfanatic]

Melbie, I know what you mean about 'going it alone'. Perhaps this sounds naive, but I was one of the few kids in my class at secondary school who had both parents living at home and my dad was and is such a positive influence on my life that I really want any child I have to have the same experience... I know life is not a fairytale and it can quite often go tits up different from how you plan or see it, but for me, that would be the ideal... although, never say never!

[melbie]

I think mine is the opposite- I never had my dad around and I have so many male friends who are just besotted with their kids and so hands on and I would want my child to have that too. I never realised what I had missed until recently.

I can imagine the Channel Islands are fairly limited... Good luck in London though!

[DashingRedhead]

Met DH at 34, married at 36, babies at 37 and 40!

I had never even made it to six months in a relationship before him. I was terminally single, desperate for kids and heading for despair. But it did happen. As it did for several of my friends.

Try to enjoy your singledom! I sometimes wish I had a time machine and could just visit my old life for a Friday night and Saturday morning: unwinding at home on my own, nobody else to be responsible for or sociable with! And sleeping for as long as I wanted. The hardest thing about relationship and children is that someone is always making a demand of some kind on you. I don't know whether I'll ever really get used to that, after 10 years of living on my own.

[PickleSarnie]

Oh my goodness, I could have written your post 5 years ago. I remember even tormenting myself once when watching the "Freaky Eaters" program. I used to get so upset that someone had married a man that would only ate cheese but noone wanted to marry meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Anyhoo, met my DH at 32, baby then marriage (didn't quite manage it the "right" way around) at 34, second baby due in a few weeks and I'm 36.

Keep an open mind - my main criteria in a man was that they lived in zone 2 (preferably south of the river) and could ski. Ended up with one that lived 90 miles north of zone 2 and is definitely more into the apres-ski than the actual skiing.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Op, if you are in Channel Islands, why not travel to London or other places much more often!? lots of cheap flights, I think! why wait for htat couple of days in October, when you can go at weekends more regularly. You could try net dating and look at locations other than Ch Islands (if theoretically you would be willing to move). I think at the moment you are limiting your chances hugely. As to feeling ready like never before, that's good - knowing what you want is actually very important and draws the right people to you. Just try to meet more of those people.

[3of5]

Like a lot of the ladies on this post I met my dh when I was 30, married at 33 and ds when I was 34.

Depends what kind of man you are after when you are out in London. If it's skinny boys with tight jeans and silly hair - head out to Shoreditch in East London. Someone flash with cash? Head to the city (on a Friday night - Saturday nights are dead in the square mile).

Want to be with hundreds of people and struggle for space in a bar? Go to Leicester Square.

Personally, I liked going down to the Southbank to have a beer outside the BFI. It's a cinema so there are usually lots of boys there too!