Am I too controlling?

[bushymcbush]

you see, in my eyes most of the time my dh is a lazy, untidy fucker who does as little as possible around the house or with our 2 dds.

He has told me numerous times that I just need to tell him what needs doing and he will do it. So sometimes I do that but it makes me feel like a constant nag, and most of what I ask him to do still doesn't get done anyway. When I ask him why he hasn't done what I asked him to do he says that he will do the things I ask him to do but in his own time, not mine. Fair enough in theory, but seriously, he will just never get around to doing most things I have asked.

So I try the other tactic - saying nothing. And he does nothing. For example, I had to take dd2 (5 weeks old) out for a medical appointment this morning. I left straight after breakfast. We were gone 2 hours. I returned to find all the breakfast things still out on the table including dirty dishes, nothing tidied anywhere in the house, his work stuff still dumped in the middle of the lounge floor from last night, dd1 still in pyjamas etc. When I said something (couldn't resist) he said he and dd1 had been playing. Well ok, that's nice, but all this stuff still needs doing and it's now lunchtime. I'm now breastfeeding dd2 and he is now on the computer, dd1 still in pjs playing by herself, and the house still a total tip.

The thing is, I question myself and how I am treating him. I read on here about controlling partners all the time, who expect their partners to behave how they want them to and get pissed off when they don't comply. Is this me? The thing is, I think me and dh have very different standards and priorities. So is it fair for me to try to control his behaviour with regardsvto the housework?

So as not to drip feed - I normally work full time but am now on mat leave. DH has been a sahd for 18 months (never really did any housework then either and nor was I very happy about his lazy parenting - I did post about that at the time and was told to let him do it his own way). He is now available for agency work and has had some but has been off work for 2 weeks.

In his defence, he uncomplainingly cooks every day, loads / unloads the dishwasher and does basic surface cleaning in the kitchen every day, and takes the bins out every week. These things he does without prompting. He does nothing else.

Is it reasonable of me to expect basic clearing and tidying done, and dd1 dressed before lunchtime? Or am I being controlling? I am genuinely confused.

I could add so much more (about his constant use of iPhone / iPad / computer, for example) but this is already too long.

[awbless]

This reminds me of XH No. 1. I felt as though I had 3 childrens not 2.

I realise that part of the problem was mine. I wanted him to want to do things not be told - it's like telling children to "put your things away"! He did it if I asked but did sod all if I didn't say anything.

I don't know why I couldn't have a reasonable conversation about how I felt and what we/we should do about things - but I didn't/couldn't. Am a bit pathetic really about saying what I want (I haven't changed much really - just got a DP who is fantastic around the house).

The realtionship broke down (I was partly to blame, I now see that), I just couldn't respect/fancy a man who I had to 'tell what to do'. I didn't want to be in control - I wanted to feel like I was being looked after.

Not sure this helps much but your post did strike a chord.

[RightFedUp]

Bushy - i feel your pain and I'm watching this thread with interest. I know several women personally who could have written your exact post.

My gut reaction is that they are like quite nice children, these men. They will do what they are asked but no more. I have lovely teenagers now and it's as if the child-men have never developed beyond that point into responsible functioning adults who can accept their partners' needs/wishes and reach a compromise in a reasonable way.

[Nanny0gg]

Perhaps ask him if he really wants to live like this. If No, then how does he propose it's dealt with/shared out. Full and frank discussion.
If Yes, then you need to ask if you're prepared to live like this.

[bushymcbush]

awbless your post strikes a massive chord with me too.

Just want to add that another reason I think the problem might be me is that we have been together for 20 years and my standards have changed (housework wise). I can remember what a huge tip our first flat together was and I didn't care any more than he did then. We were very young and carefree. Now I'm a professional in my late 30's with 2 dc, I am much more houseproud. But he is exactly the same as 20 years ago! My fault, surely?

[RightFedUp]

Also, some of the women I know (myself included) have tried every way they know how to reach amicable solutions over the years. The best I've found are to get a cleaner and pay someone to do the ironing.

[MrsMcEnroe]

nushymcbush - I don't think you're being too controlling, no.

You are saying that you want a partner who will share the load with you equally, and that includes thinking about what needs to be done and planning when to do it, rather than just lazily passing off all the mental/emotional responsibility onto his partner with the get-out-of-jail-free phrase "just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it."

I'm only on chapter 4 of Wifework but it has been recommended on MN many times - it's great and I think you should read it!

[Rollersara]

Bushy, are you me?!

DP is very similar, although I do all the cooking and washing up and he looks after the garden and any DIY. He will do stuff in the house, but has to be asked, and it will be "in his own time". Unfortunately this often means waiting several days, or much longer. This is particularly frustrating for little tasks - I am disabled, I can hoover, but not hoik the hoover up the stairs. I've been waiting 3 days...

Also he needs to carry the washing up to the kitchen, so I can wash up (I will drop it!), yet I have to ask him every time, which feels like nagging

[kickassangel]

I think this is a very common problem and I don't know the answer to it.

You can try talking, just leaving things to see how bad they get before he notices, or leaving the bastard.

It is incredibly wearing to feel like the only adult, and a real passion killer for both of you. How much you compromise or decide to confront depends in your personalities and what other areas of your relationship are like. I would do a lot more for a man who was compassionate and caring or if he spent hours playing with the kids, but it does sound like your dh is a bit dis-engaged if he spends hours on computers and not interacting

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

no, you are not being too controlling. Your partner is displaying classic passive-aggressiveness, though.

[AbigailAdams]

Wifework (the book MrsMcenrie recommended) is your friend OP. It is not controlling of you to want him to think about, know and do what is required of him as part of a family and running a household. Do you have to ask what is required? How do you know what needs to be done? You think about it, that is all.

He, however, is absolving himself of responsibility and passing that on to you. He should be the one reading Wifework tbh. It is lazy, selfish and shows a massive sense of entitlement as he doesn't feel he needs to think about this stuff.

[bushymcbush]

He is compassionate and caring mostly, and kind, and accepting of me with all my faults, and he is a nice guy. He has never accused me of being controlling and he is much more forgiving and easy going than I am (at least he is with me - he's actually pretty angry with the rest of the world but that's another thread) But yes, I do also feel he is a bit disengaged as he is constantly on his gadgets either playing games or messing about with music and photos or on his favourite websites. His idea of looking after dd1 is to stick her in front of the tv or let her play by herself while he looks at his phone / iPad.

[Lueji]

Make a joint list of things that need to be done. Then ask oh to write down when he'll do each.
Then nag when they don't get done.

Why is it that we, women, do the things that need to be done when they need to be done, but (some) men do what they want in "their own time"? Grrrrr

[Fairenuff]

Make a list of everything that needs doing. Everything. Decide between you who is going to be responsible for what.

Housework/childcare is a joint responsibility. How you divide it is up to you two to agree. Each person should get on with their jobs without needing to be reminded.

I wouldn't live with another adult who didn't pull their weight and deal with their responsibilities like an adult, regardless of how kind, compassionate or nice they were to me. It's just disrespectful and, imo, actions speak louder than words.

[Tryharder]

I truly understand where you are coming from. No-one wants to be a boring, complaining nag but at the same time, you don't want to live in a shit heap and have to run yourself ragged around a lazyarse whilst you look after a young baby.

I have been in a situation similar to yours with DH. He wasn't used to doing housework, was a SAHD whilst I worked FT (long shifts). I used to come home at 11pm, starving and knackered and DH would be sitting in the chair, beer in hand, telly on and the house was like a bombsite - dirty plates, toys everywhere, you were crunching underfoot the floor was so dirty.

I basically dealt with it by making myself unpleasant. I pointed out that it was unfair that I had to do everything as well as work FT while he was sat on his arse. I was a bit passive aggressive and would get the hoover out at midnight with a lot of huffing and puffing. I probably dealt with it exactly how you shouldnt. However, DH in all fairness, did get the hint and started being a bit more proactive. He is not by nature particularly tidy or houseproud so things were never done as I like them (sound like a twat there, sorry) but at least dishes were done, place was hoovered, some of the ironing done and toys put back in their boxes. I know for a fact that he and the kids used to have a mad clean round about 45 minutes before I was due to come home.

I think you need to sit down with your DH, OP and tell him how much of a deal breaker this issue actually is. If he's a reasonable person, he should get the hint. Or tell him that if things don't change, you will be getting a cleaner and he needs to get more hours at work to pay for it.

[AbigailAdams]

Why is it up to the OP to make a list. That is just more work for her. He should make a list. You know engage the brain he was born with. Otherwise go on strike OP. Just look after you and the children.

[Nanny0gg]

Because if the OP's DH doesn't see/doesn't care what needs doing, there's no point in him writing a list, is there?
But if it's stuck in front of him, he might accept that normal household stuff does need doing.

Does he appreciate it when it is done, OP? Or can he happily live in a tip?

[AbigailAdams]

Disagree Nanny0gg. If he doesn't know what needs to be done then he needs to engage with the issues and think about it. OP providing him with a list doesn't do that. What happens I'd she misses something off. Does that mean he doesn't have to do that? My mother or father didn't sit me sown with a list of things that need to be done around the house. Yet by some miracle I managed to work it out.

If he doesn't care then the OP needs to ask herself whether she wants to remain as his unpaid housekeeper, mother and general dogsbody. If she doesn't then she knows where her boundaries are and can act accordingly.

[AbigailAdams]

Treating this man as a child is not going to help matters. He is an adult and as such has adult responsibilities. The house and children being part of that.

[Fairenuff]

Either make the list togther or don't make a list at all. If he can't even be arsed to think about what needs to be done he isn't going to actually do it is he.

I would love to live like him. Don't do a thing until I'm asked, ignore it until I'm asked again and then complain that the other person is nagging me .

How long have you been living like this OP? He's been taking you for a mug.

[bushymcbush]

So we've just had a stand up row. We were sorting through a massive pile of clean laundry (a job I had asked him to do this morning but it still hadn't been done so I suggested we do it together just now). He was folding his own things up wonderfully neatly, sorting them into piles according to which drawer they belong in etc. But my stuff was being flung indiscriminately into one unfolded pile, despite me being there trying to sort it properly. I kept asking him to put my stuff in the right piles and he kept on flinging them into one pile, insisting that he was doing it his way and he would sort them out properly when he had finished getting them out of the basket.

It got rather ugly, with swearing (of the 'fuck off' variety) and shouting. It's actually quite unusual for us to get that far. I let my temper get the better of me because I'm so fed up with this issue at the moment. The iPad / phone thing has been really bugging me this evening too - every time he went into the kitchen he just wouldn't return until I called him to ask what he was doing - he just stays in there to look at his phone in peace. Even when he's in the lounge with us he is looking at his phone or iPad most of the time.

Am I being controlling by trying to make him sort the washing out my way when we are doing it together? And for wanting him to pay more attention to me and the dc instead of his gadgets?

To defend him again, since lunchtime he has hoovered up, come with us for a walk, been to the supermarket, cooked the evening meal and cleared away afterwards.

God I'm so confused. It all sounds so petty and unimportant when I write it down, but seriously, issues like this just cause me constant daily stress.

[blowcushion]

Could there be an OW and that's why he's treating you so badly?

Sorry if I am jumping to conclusions; need MN royalty on here!

Best wishes!

[MerryMarigold]

I am your dh!

My dh drives me bonkers. He is such a nag. I'm always feeling like he's trying to control me, or that I disappoint him. It's not nice.

It's Saturday and the last weekend before school starts, so PJ's till lunch is reasonable. Having fun is more important than getting dressed!

Seriously, it sounds like you are very complimentary as a couple and could work as a great 'balancing' team if you learn to appreciate each other's differences. You both need to 'give' a bit.

If there's a few things that really annoy you, here's some suggestions:

• Do half an hour of clearing up every evening together when kids are in bed
  
• Have a 'rule' like all dishes to be cleared from table, but not necessarily put in dishwasher. Whatever is the 'worst' thing to annoy you.
  

You cannot expect him to do it your way. And it sounds like he's rebelling against you in the clothes putting away scenario. That is so me. I wouldn't really care how the clothes are put away, but if I feel you are trying to control me, are criticising me then I will go the OTHER way. That's counter productive. I always tell dh that he needs to learn how to motivate me. And it's the same for you. Lots of encouragement. Appreciation of what has been done. One or two tasks that you really want done, and when you'd like them done by. There's a good book called Non-violent Communication.

Don't forget, you have a 5week old, so you must both be pretty shattered. I'm sure patience is low with each other. It will improve.

[Fairenuff]

No, you are not being controlling! Who is saying that you are btw because you keep using that word?

This is what is actually happening. You have different ideas of what needs to be done when and who should do it. You need to talk to each other about this. It's a ridiculous way to live your life when there are way more interesting things you could be doing that arguing over washing.

This is just a symptom of your relationship. You don't communicate properly. Either you are not saying how you feel or he's not listening. Have you ever sat down together properly and discussed how you feel.

What is he doing on his phone all the time? Is it something he needs to do or just a 'hobby'. Would he agree to limit it if it bugs you so much.

When one person in a relationship does something that annoys the other, you are allowed to say. Then you discuss it and hopefully reach a compromise. This does not make you controlling or a nag it makes you a partner.

[MerryMarigold]

Cutting down on the gadgets thing is a reasonable request, btw. It sounds like he's disengaged because he is a bit bored (that's why I MN a lot), you can go that way as a SAHP! Does he get much free time which is constructive like going to gym, meeting friends, playing sport, hobbies?

This whole house thing is a huge deal. We have come close to splitting up over it, though to me this seems so daft. He doesn't feel loved because the house is messy when he walks in, and I don't feel loved because he's criticising me and putting the house over the kids and me (I feel).

I really hope you can find a way through this. It's great you see your dh's good side...he sounds like a great guy (well, I would say that!). The basis of non-violent communication is that you express your need eg. It makes me feel stressed when the dishes are left on the table. Do you think you'd be able to put them on the worktop? This is a need (my need not your problem) and a request. Rather than a criticism and a demand. I respond really well to that from dh, like if he's having a stressful time at work and acknowledges this, it's much easier to have a room he can go into and relax than if he comes in all shouty because the house is messy (when really he is just stressed about work).

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

He was folding his own things up wonderfully neatly, sorting them into piles according to which drawer they belong in etc. But my stuff was being flung indiscriminately into one unfolded pile

Is he, in fact, a selfish prick? Very good at looking out for his own interests, but affronted by the needs of others?