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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I go and track down P?

28 replies

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 11:37

P and I live separately but have DD(4) together and normally he spends weekends with us. He's a bit of a manchild/cocklodger tbh but I put up with it because of DD plus I get the odd lie in at weekends when he's here. Last weekend he didn't turn up as expected and hasn't been answering his phone or responding to texts. He hasn't turned up this weekend either and I'm fuming. DD is not a toy he can just dump when he wants a break from parenthood and he's only a part time parent anyway so I don't see what he needs a break from tbh. I know from mutual friends that he's not ill or anything. I know where he probably is and feel very tempted to drive round there and confront him. Or is this a bad idea? Just feel the need to vent really.

OP posts:

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wheredidiputit · 14/04/2012 11:46

No. He knows where his daughter is if he wants put her first.

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 11:50

He's not worth the effort - or the gas.

Get on with enjoying the weekend with your dd... it's a lovely sunny day here in the south.

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 11:50

I know he does. I just want to MAKE him put her first if that makes sense. She's adorable.

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 14/04/2012 11:51

I can certainly see how annoying this must be, but I can't imagine that confronting him would achieve anything positive. As Izzy says, get on with enjoying the weekend - can you get together with friends, if you and your daughter need company?

bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 11:51

I probably would.

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 11:52

You can lead the horse to water and all that jazz.

His loss, honey.

Bluestocking · 14/04/2012 11:52

You can't make him put her first. Your OP says that he's a cocklodging manchild!

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 11:56

You put up with that shit just to get a lie in? Just go to bed a couple of hours earlier and it will feel like a lie in, then you can be free of him. He sounds awful.

overmydeadbody · 14/04/2012 11:58

Not worth it.

Leave him to his loss. Do something fun with your DD and don't waste your energy thinking/feeling about him.

Catsu · 14/04/2012 12:02

Leave him be.
And if you have an inkling that he may turn up next weekend expecting everything to be normal then don't be in!!! Go stay with friends or family and don't tell him!!!

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 12:09

Yeah, I should leave him be really. I put up with a lot to get some extra sleep but for one thing I want some sense of 'normal' family life for DD plus I've got bipolar and really struggle on my own even though I go to bed about 10pm. I don't have any family who can help me out either. I am seeing friends tomorrow so that will be nice but haven't got any plans for today apart from walking the dog. Really I should end this 'relationship' but as he 'sofa surfs' with friends he's got nowhere to see DD apart from at mine. I know he was a very bad choice for a father but I was in the middle of a hypo bipolar stage when I met him and my normal judgement/insight was nowhere to be seen! Have tried to make the best of a bad job since then ifyswim.

OP posts:

TheSockPuppet · 14/04/2012 12:09

Sorry to be quite blunt op but what exactly do you get out of this relationship? He's not turned up to see his daughter for two weeks in a row and I'm guessing he's not bothered speaking to you for at least a week either - why are you in a relationship with a man who would just blatantly ignore you like that?

TheSockPuppet · 14/04/2012 12:14

If he wants to see your dd he could take her out to a park or go a nice walk if it's sunny, if it's raining then he could do things like go a trip to the library and read a book together.

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 12:17

I ask myself that quite often Sock. I really don't know. He's quite useful at odd bits of DIY and as I said I get a lie in. I suppose it's just habit and the feeling that having her dad involved is better for DD. I'm starting to think maybe I should put my boundaries up. But that would involve stopping contact with DD as he's nowhere but mine to see her. Is that fair on DD? I don't know the answer, which is why I've posted here for some independent wisdom. Blunt is good!

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 14/04/2012 12:34

"He's quite useful at odd bits of DIY and as I said I get a lie in."
This is not a semblance of a family life!
Are you being treated for your bipolar disorder?

AdelaideAussie · 14/04/2012 12:35

Write him a very matter of fact letter, tell him you now need advance notice of his visits / cancellation of visits, explain how his behaviour has upset DC and how you wont allow this to continue

Dont do via text or by leaving a message on his phone, oh and keep a copy of the letter.

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 12:48

I am on medication for the bipolar Bluestocking and have been relatively stable in mood for the past 6 months or so. I think my perception of what an acceptable relationship is is skewed. I was only diagnosed with bipolar a couple of years ago and it was a big shock and really threw me for a while. I'm pretty isolated and am starting to think I have put up with P out of desperation. Who else but a manchild/cocklodger would put up with someone with bipolar is the way I've been seeing it. Plus I have genuinely felt it's best for DD to have regular contact with her father. But it's not really working is it? I think maybe I should make him go to a solicitor if he wants regular contact. Talking about it on here is giving me some clarity and strength of mind.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 14/04/2012 12:55

I think posters are assuming this is a (sadly) typical separated parents dilemma, where one parent is being feckless about childcare.

But your OP describes him as your partner and therefore I assume your romantic relationship is technically still meant to be ongoing?

If so, there are two separate issues aren't there? He's defected from your relationship as well as the one with your child and what's worse he hasn't told you the relationship is over.

It sounds like you need to separate properly and get a proper childcare agreement in place.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 13:24

You say in the OP, you think you know where he is staying now. Do you think he's staying with another woman?

I'm so glad your mood has been stable for a while now. I know you need someone to help you, given the situation you're in, but I don't think he's your man. Do you have a clinical nurse you can call on if you feel unstable again? Do you recognise the symptoms? Do you trust your friends (that you're seeing tomorrow) to tell you gently if you need further help? Could you trust them to take care of your daughter if you needed them to?

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 13:57

You're right Hatty, he has effectively dumped me as well! Didn't realise that til I read your post.

OP posts:

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 14:00

I don't think he's with another woman Imperial, I think he's probably smoking pot with his mates. I have a CPN and psychiatrist I can see pretty quickly if my mood destabilises. I don't have many friends but there are a couple who would probably be able to help out with DD in an emergency. I take part in a research study that measures my moods weekly and gives me a graph - keeping an eye on that helps me to spot if I'm going high/low/mixed.

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 14/04/2012 14:06

Hi there OP, I am really glad to hear your mood's more stable and that you have helpful MH professionals. This "man" sounds worse and worse the more you say about him - he'd rather get stoned with his so-called mates than see his daughter? I think you know what you need to do. Irregular contact with an unreliable stonehead is not what anyone needs, child or adult.

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Crocodilio · 14/04/2012 14:06

Does he contribute financially at all?

neuroticmumof3 · 14/04/2012 14:28

He gives me £5 p/wk lol! And I always have to ask for that! Thankfully I work part time so although we're not well off we do manage. I really thought he'd grow up once he had a child, 4 years later and the evidence says not. I think it's time for me to call it a day and let him get a solicitor involved if he wants to see DD. It's sad that she's only asked about him once in the past fortnight but it's just as well really. She loves him but he doesn't do a lot with her (puts her in front of tv whilst he's on laptop mostly). So he's no great loss to her is he? I'd been putting up with him every weekend in the mistaken belief it was in her best interests but I think I've changed my mind. My only real concern is to make sure I'm doing right by her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 14:29

I doubt it, given the fact he's a stoner, Crocodilio.

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