Our baby is 1 week old. MIL has been here for the past 3 days visiting as she lives quite a few miles away. She is a witch with form for tainting everything and for her complete emotional absence towards DH. I can't believe I have bitten my tongue throughout her entire visit, and need to share her catalogue of nasty comments or I will explode. Please tell me I'm not going mad and she really is TOXIC:
- We had asked her to bring some pictures with her of DH as a baby/toddler to compare with DS. She brought some, told us it was 'a bit of a tall order' and said that we could only keep one.
- I went into the kitchen to make MIL a cup of tea, and she took the opportunity to show DH the little presents that aunties etc had sent for the family, by the time I came back with her tea they had been opened.
- DH's two brother's haven't acknowledged DS being born at all despite being aware that he is here, not even a text message to DH. MIL told DH he needed to get in touch with his brothers and that it was a problem for her that he hadn't made an effort.
- MIL then said that DH's younger brother had advised her not to give DH a it of money for the baby as a present as she had planned to do, and that she should put money into an account instead for all of her grandchildren (DS is the only grandchild so presuming future grandchildren). MIL said that she was then going to get an outfit for DS instead but didn't know what size he would be. I don't want her 20 quid from her anyway, but how can DH's brother know that his nephew had been born and all he has to say about him is not to give him anything?
- Has yet to ask 'how are you', 'how was the labour', 'how are your jobs' etc. She has asked me two questions since she has been here, I made a point of counting.
- My nan is in a hospice and has days to weeks. I mentioned this to her and she immediately began describing, in minute detail, the deterioration of a man that she had known once who had the same condition as my nan until his eventual death. And then commented that she knew another lady who also had cancer but it wasn't terminal as my nan's is and she got over it 'so it's not always bad news for everyone'. I started crying and DH told MIL to stop, to which she gave him an affronted look.
- I have waited on her hand and foot, making her cups of tea, making her meals, driving her round. She doesn't say please or thank you, just eats her dinner, puts her dish in the sink and returns to the couch. She has done nothing since she got here, just sits on the couch in silence unless she is speaking about DH's brothers.
- I stood up earlier and winced. DH asked if I was ok and I replied that I was still feeling a bit sore and had maybe been doing a bit much too early. MIL then said 'well, you do need to hit the ground running when you've had a baby, it's not like being ill'. Fuck off, I had not stopped all day, and she's acting like I'm a lazy cow.
- If we try to make conversation about anything to do with our lives she gives no response. As in, no acknowledgement that she has even heard us. Since her last visit we have redecorated the whole house and she has given no comment. We showed her the baby's nursery and she looked in and said 'oh'. She thought DH worked in a petrol station. His job is not even similar to working in a petrol station.
- Made a gushing phone call to one of DH's brothers, all very 'well you are doing so well with your job, love you, no I love you more' whilst sitting with us on the couch. She hasn't said one kind thing to DH, who is such a lovely man and lovely with the baby.
- Has barely looked at or held DS, made no comments about him being lovely or whatever. She has been with us all day today and held him for the first time at 8pm after she had seen that I had a picture of DH's stepmum holding him. She asked DH to take a picture of her with DS then handed him back. Why bother visiting at all?
- Has told us that she is coming back at the beginning of June. My brother has pulled strings to fly back from another country where he is studying and will be here on these exact dates especially to see DS. I am not having her tainting that for me as well and taking time away from my brother's visit, she can visit any other time surely.
I just cannot bear to have this woman in my life any more, it has felt as if the past few days have been one long barrage of hurtful comments. Without her here, we have a happy life and are contented with our little lot and I would never usually stand for anyone treating me like this but the onus is really on DH to assert himself (and us) because she's his mum. He has said that he isn't going to say anything to her whilst she is here because it would make the visit awkward and consequently she has treated us both like shit. But he told me that after she leaves he is going to write her a letter telling her how she makes him feel and saying that he doesn't want her to be part of his life or his son's life whilst she continues to act as she does. I know that this will just result in a lengthy reply from MIL full of really hurtful things. But I don't know what we could do other than this. Continue to allow her to treat us however she likes, put DH down constantly, ignore any of his achievements, barely conceal her dislike towards me and let this behaviour continue for our son as well as us? Or let DH send the letter which is going to cause WW3 and when I know that MIL would never accept that her behaviour is an issue anyway.
I'm really sorry that this post has been so long and probably doesn't make any sense, I would really appreciate any support in trying to make sense of this whole situation. I feel like DS's future relationship with MIL and other members of DH's family depends on what we do now, and although I feel that the right thing for DS would be to be surrounded by non toxic people, I'm prepared to be told otherwise.
), if your H is then upstairs with you too, that would leave her downstairs alone. Hopefully she should get that hint pretty quickly.
- hope you and your h have a lovely time now with your baby together.