Divorce - New to MN & forum but have a really difficult situation, OH wants children & all my income

[Smileymum1]

Hello, I have spent some time this afternoon reading through the support you give one another, and hope you can help me. After 20 years together we are divorcing. We have 3 children boys are 14, 12 and my little girl is just 3. I found out he was having an affair just before I found out I was pregnant with my little girl. It had lasted a year at that point, I don't know how many there have been before or since but suspect several.

He borrowed money on our mortgage to invest in a a number of different ventures, including a property development business all of which have failed, and provided no regular or substantial income. Meanwhile I have worked full time in a very pressured job to keep the cashflow and meet our outgoings. My salary isn't enough so he has been paying money into our joint account which I now find out is not from his business but borrowed from his parents - now totalling £57,000 over the last 4 years! Despite this debts are huge & as I was the one with best credit history, mostly in my name.

I have avoided talking about the problems in front of the children, but he has been discussing it all with them - making it out to be my fault we are divorcing, and convincing them they are better off with him! My eldest son says he would like to live with his dad (though I expect this may change once he really is), my other son is torn - he wants to be with his dad and brother but is lovely and normal with me when they are not around. Finally, just yesterday my dd said 'me want live daddy'. completely out of the blue as we were getting ready to leave the house for work & nursery. When I asked why she said that her reply was 'daddy told me'

I was drinking quite a lot of wine each evening and he is using this to say that a court would not allow me to have the children as I am not a fit parent. However I am the one that has maintained a full time job, provided a regular salary and seen to their daily needs. I was on antidepressants because of the situation, but have now come off these and cut back the wine. This has made him more argumentative and confrontational as I think he realises his one argument is flawed.

He keeps saying he is trying to make everything fair, but just had a letter from his solicitor on Friday which says he is to have the children, proceeds from house sale to be split 60/40 in his favour. I am to pay him 25% of my salary for the childrens maintenance, plus half of school fees and nursery fees (which actually exceeds my monthly income).

He has spent all day asking me about my response to the letter, despite the fact that I keep saying I will respond after I have seen my solicitor on tuesday. He is getting more and more cross, but I am holding my ground at the moment. I just really don't like the way he keeps doing it all in front of the children.

i don't want to mess with the boys if they want to go with their dad. I will see them every day as they will come to me after school each day, but I don't want them to be brainwashed with rubbish, and I really don't want dd to experience the same.

[oldqueenie]

you dont have to agree to anything. you are absolutely right about speaking to your solicitor before making any response. what do YOU think are the arrangements for the children that are in their best interests?? he is manipulating the children and it is emotionally abusive of him to talk about this / argue in front of them. if you are the parent who has been the primary carer it is reasonable to assume you are well placed to continue if that is best for them. please dont be bullied by him. if he oversteps the mark you may have grounds for an injunction making him leave the home while all this is sorted. chin up. good luck.

[Lueji]

Definitely talk to your solicitor before giving him any answer.

Big hugs, though.

Such men can be pigs. (my ex is the same...)

[Smileymum1]

thank you, it is so difficult not to think I am going mad! Too easy with all the emotional manipulation to get worn down and give in. Will need to stay strong - just wish we didn't need to be in the same house whilst doing so. Have asked him lots to move out and he wouldn't, nor would he move out of the bedroom. I have ended up on a camp bed with sleeping bag in the smallest room of the house that the dog used to sleep in - sooner this is sorted the better, just don't know where it goes next. Hopefully meeting with solicitor on tuesday will help. Thanks again

[ImperialBlether]

You poor thing. What a sense of entitlement that man has. I hope your solicitor is ready for a fight. His solicitor must have rolled his/her eyes when writing that letter to you.

He wouldn't be able to get fully custody, would he? Surely a court wouldn't award more than 50% custody to him?

I think it's time you spoke honestly to your children. You can't have only him feeding them information about why you two are splitting up. Sit them down (the older ones) and talk it through with them.

[thegreylady]

Whatever you do do nnoot leave the house. Your h sounds like a really horrible man. He is manipulating the children and attempting to defraud you of money. Please see a solicitor asap and in the meantime keep your DD close and talk to the boys. Regarding the bedroom I suggest you jusr go to bed there and take your DD into bed with you. Do not move out. You cannot bar him from the house yet but a substancial bolt will keep him out of the bedroom. You have a long hard fight ahead of you.

[Dee03]

Nothing new to add but be strong...see a solicitor and don't let him bully you.
I hate it when people use emotional blackmail on kids.....what an arse your x is!
Good luck

[bemybebe]

"I was drinking quite a lot of wine each evening"

I am sorry but you really need to stop this. It is absolutely vile for dcs. My dbro and I had holidays with my much loved grandmother, where she was also "drinking quite a lot of wine each evening" and it was not. She wasn't loud, abusive at all, still very loving but drunk and we really did not want anything to do with her then.

[bemybebe]

"and it was not nice".

I wish you all the luck. Just in case my message came across too aggressive...

[clam]

bemybebe she's already said that she has stopped this.

[Smileymum1]

Wow, from an awkward first post (I am actually a very positive optimistic person and will make up for it in the future!), I am so grateful for your responses.

All helping to chip away at the feeling I am in the wrong - there are other unreasonable demands in his letter & I hope my solicitor can help me with these, can't believe his solicitor could write it all without advising him how outrageous it all is - which i guess is what concerns me, does he have a chance? Hopefully I will know on tuesday.

Thank you.

[bemybebe]

There are degrees of "cutting back" the wine. I mean to stop drinking completely if OP can. I am coming from personal experience of how some children view people who drink (maybe this is why your kids would like to live with their dad). I just remember that even for 24 days holiday duration for us it was just awful and really tainted those memories.

[oldqueenie]

his solicitor has to act on his instructions (within the law / their professional code of conduct). they may well have advised him that his offer / demands are completely unreasonable and most unlikely to succeed but he insisted letter ws written.... so please dont assume just because it's in a solicitors letter it is reasonable / what a court would decide....

[izzyizin]

There's no way you should give in to his browbeating... if he starts getting out of hand, shouting, banging, crashing around etc, don't hesitate to call the police and get him removed from the house.

I note the past tense in 'I was drinking..' and, should a court order such a test, providing there isn't an excessive level of alchohol in your bloodstream he may experience some difficulty in proving you are unfit to have custody of your dc.

If he is attempting to brainwash your dc into saying that they want to live with him, his parenting skills are open to question.

I hope that the solciitor you will be consulting next week specialises in divorce and family law and would suggest in the interim that you post on the Legal board for a general opinion as to the merits of his claims.

[izzyizin]

It's not unknown for maniuplative, controlling invididuals to make unreasonable demands, but please rest assured that they are unlikely to be satisfied by a court of law - and that for every claim, there is a counterclaim...

Don't let this twat grind you down, honey. Stand firm and tell him in your dreams that your solicitor will reply to his solicitor's letter to you in due course and that you have no intention of discussing any marital issues with him at this time.

[Smileymum1]

Thank you all for your comments and advise.

Eldest son keen to go with his dad given the 'work' that has been done on him. V.sad, but hopefully he will realise in time.

Only mentioned the wine because that is his 'case', and now he is worried because it isn't valid. Not only am i the main earner, carer etc but he isn't home 4 evenings of the week - but everything gets done in his absence. He just exaggerates everything.

other son, really torn - looks up to his dad & brother, but when they aren't here he is normal, loving and we have a kiss and cuddle every morning when he wakes up.

Am concerned he has started on the little one, she doesn't understand and it is wrong he carrys on the way he does.

can hear him now having a real go at 2nd son for little reason, inappropriate language and really excessive. From experience if i step in it just makes it worse. Trouble is after things have cooled down son just wants to please his dad.

Thanks again everyone for keeping me positive

[Smileymum1]

thank you, that sounds sensible!

[izzyizin]

He's trying to do the same number on you as he does to the dc. His problem is that you are an adult - and he's not.

[Lueji]

You also need to sort out living arrangements asap, of course.

[thecook]

Smileymum1
I cannot offer much in the way of advice love cos I have never been married, nor do I have kids but I just wanted you to know that I really sympathise. Your husband sounds very inmature and manipulative. I would wait until seeing your solicitor on Tuesday. Sorry to be no help at all but I just wanted to give you a little message of support love.

[Smileymum1]

thecook, that is you -really kind of you thank you. To everyone, banking the words of support helps boost my confidence and keep me strong - and boy do I need that!

Happy mothers day everyone x

[gettingeasier]

God what an awful situation and his manipulation of your DC is contemptuous , dont worry about the letter and just be ice cold to him if he keeps trying to draw you in.

Is your solicitor one who specialises in family law ? From what you say your DH is going to be taking a highly adversorial approach and you will need a good solicitor

At least his vile behaviour is helping you through the heartbreak side of things I imagine ?

Theres no doubt you have got a horrid time ahead but trust me once you get to the other side its soooo worth it

[solidgoldbrass]

If he's aggressive towards the children go and tell him to shut up and not speak to them like that. As someone else said, if the aggression increases call the police and say that he is scaring the children and behaving inappropriately.

He's a failure of a human being. Treat him with polite firmness and if he crosses boundaries, don't be afraid to make sure there are consequences for him.

[confusedperson]

It seems that it is OP's "creative" solution to assure for himself a wealthy life by taking the kids, getting the house and secured income. What a loser he is. Lots of sympathy to OP!

[rightchoice]

I really feel for you OP. What a horrible situation. Just keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel. Just because his solicitor demands and frightens does not mean it is written in stone. He is fighting dirty. Regarding his only means of attack i.e. past drinking, just remember too that he seems to have a habit - that of gambling. Gambling with your equity with the fruitless deals, and draining his parents equity to the tune of £57k. He sounds desperate to me and that needs to be spelt out to your solicitor, and made clear to the powers that be. You work, provide and are being made the scapegoat. Fight back. Hugs and support.......

[DucketyDuckDuck]

It must be so hard being in the same house.

I seem to say this alot on MN, but you need to start keeping records. Notes of conversations, things that are said and done to you and your children. It will all help your cause.

If he wants to communicate via a solicitor with you, thats the only way you should be communicating with him - on the subject of your divorce anyway.

Even when you have seen your solicitor, don't be worn down to respond, let your solicitor do it for you.

Be assertive, try the "broken record technique" every time he brings it up. Have a statement ready, and repeat until he goes away. "I will not discuss this with you, wait to hear from my solicitor".

Good Luck XXX