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Anyone with someone they weren't initially attracted to? Advice and opinions wanted.

(29 Posts)
millieandernie Sun 19-Feb-12 14:16:47

And how do you see them now?

I'm dating someone who I didn't physically fancy at all when I met him but I really liked him so kept on seeing him. We get on really well, have loads in common, he makes me smile smile We've kissed a few times now but haven't had a full on kissing session. I've had a 'tingle' when kissing him and cuddling up with him feels lovely.....but when I look at him I still don't think he's that hot.

When I'm not with him I think about him a lot, and really look forward to seeing him. In personality, he seems perfect for me.

I've never started a relationship that's started this way before...they've usually been based on mutual attraction and a kiss has usually led to a lot of kissing which has usually led to sex. My last 3 relationships have all been with people who I looked at and thought they were the best looking man ever, and couldn't wait to get naked with. But 2 of those were bastards and one was a cheat. And those relationships didn't last,and the two that were bastards started to look ugly once their real personality came through. (sadly I still think the cheat is the best looking man I've ever met, but so too do most other girls)

Everyone keeps saying to me that it's good to take it slow and I do agree but can't help thinking that if it was going to happen it would have done by now...or I'd have at least wanted to a bit more.

I kind of want to have sex with him, but haven't had that uncontrollable urge to rip his clothes off when we start kissing. Partly because I'm enjoying talking for hours and that can go once you start shagging for hours instead, but partly because he doesn't make me go weak at the knees just by looking at him.

So what do you think? Is it worth continuing? Or should I let him go? We've been dating 2 months.

pennypencil Sun 19-Feb-12 15:26:31

hmm tricky one.
some people do grow on you and the tingly kiss feeling could be a sign? having said that you'd probably know if he'd grown on you after 2 months.

I'm thinking if you don't want to sleep with him then maybe just be friends (if he wants this.) I'm sure its possible to find yourself a man who you are at least quite a bit attracted to who is not a cheat and who is lovely. Doesn't sound to me like its this one though, sorry sad

FabbyChic Sun 19-Feb-12 15:28:00

thing is you are attracted to him, just not his looks, you are attracted to his personality the man he is, you get a tingle when kissing, if you had a full blown kiss you would melt and want to rip his clothes off.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Feb-12 15:28:47

Id go with it, sleep with him, if it doesn't light your fire, call it off. I didn't see the two months bit, by now you should be falling in love.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Feb-12 15:37:38

I think that part of the problem here is that the last few relationships you've had have all been with cheats and liars so all that rubbish you learnt within all that needs to be undone properly.

Now you're actually met someone who appears to be not a bad boy i.e nice and to all intents and purposes decent and normal and perhaps boring (this is actually good because there's no massive highs and crushing lows involved in dysfunctional relationships) you're having doubts.

Talk to each other. Two months is still very early days for both of you.

maristella Sun 19-Feb-12 15:47:17

I had a relationship with a guy that I wasn't attracted to. Lovely lovely guy, but I didn't want to rip his clothes off. When we slept together it was always with the lights off! We didn't last long.

HepHep Sun 19-Feb-12 15:48:40

The notion of 'spark' is a very contentious issue. I've gone out with people I didn't fancy initially, in fact it's been my default setting in almost every relationship out of self protection and wanting to be treasured and desired, plus not feeling like I was worth more. It never ends well, because sooner or later you meet someone whose trousers you just want to rip off in public and who can turn you on just by looking at you. No 'tingles' there. And the contrast is kind of damning.

So don't bank on it growing from nowhere - it may well not. If, however, you're happy with things as they are, then it sounds like it could be a good match. Be aware of questions like 'is some part of you settling because of fear of being hurt?', 'could you spend the rest of your life just feeling what you are feeling for him now?'
I have a friend very like you describe. The banter is lovely and to be honest I love him to bits, but I don't fancy him enough to sustain even a short-lived relationship, let alone a long term one. So I haven't gone there. No idea what he thinks about me but I would imagine probably the same thing grin. Such is life!

BluddyMoFo Sun 19-Feb-12 15:51:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder Sun 19-Feb-12 15:53:54

Its a case of suck it and see as it were grin

Singlebedplease Sun 19-Feb-12 15:57:02

I didn't fancy my H at all when I met him, but enjoyed talking to him and he was interested in me and kind, something I was not used to in previous boyfriends(not that i had many). He held my hand on our first date and that seald the deal for me. God I was naive!

We've been together for donkeys years now but I often think have I settled? I was very young when we became a couple. But the opposing view is stomach flips and lust dont always last forever.

Actually I'm no help at all

millieandernie Sun 19-Feb-12 16:10:52

It's been 2 months but we only saw each other twice the first month, then once a week for a couple of weeks then twice a week for the past two weeks. So only 8 dates. We now talk/text/IM daily. I get butterflies and smile when I see it's him on the phone. I really like him. We've talked about stuff we're going to do together in the future (like go to a certain restaurant or go ice skating etc not marriage or move in before anyone jumps to that conclusiongrin) and it feels right, the thought of being with him doesn't scare me. I just don't look at him and think phwoar confused

I think fabby may be right and a proper kissing session would help. But is it ok to think other men are better looking than your boyfriend? Not that he is my boyfriend yet, I know he wants to be but I am holding back a little until I know what I want. I'm just not used to liking someone and not thinking they are physically totally gorgeous. He's not ugly by any means, just not my usual type.

SimoneD Sun 19-Feb-12 16:14:38

Just because the last couple of men you fancied turned out to be losers doesnt mean you should settle for the next nice man that comes your way. Sounds like you should just be friends with this guy and if you dont fancy him you should be honest to him and yourself.
There are decent men out there that you will also be attracted to. IME if that initial spark isnt there then the relationship wont last long. Sometimes that real sexual attraction you have with someone is what keeps you going when times get tough.
There's alot of men in my life that I have loads in common with and that make me smile, but I know I could never be in a relationship with them because there's that extra something you need thats missing.

dreamingbohemian Sun 19-Feb-12 16:28:36

I felt almost the same way as you when I got together with my DH! In fact we were friends for a couple years, I never thought about getting together with him -- not because he's ugly, like you say, but just not my usual type AT ALL.

But he was so sweet when we started dating, and made me laugh all the time, and I just totally fell for him. And before long I was thinking, gosh, how did I not realise how cute he is before now? And now I look at him and think wow, my husband is so gorgeous! blush

If you have butterflies and smile when he calls then you DO have the spark, it's just not based on his looks, which is great. Just go with it and see what happens.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 19-Feb-12 17:21:46

if i knew how to name change i would lol

i could have written your post, i am tentatively 'dating' again after sadly being widowed last year sad

he was a friend, we texted/rang etc and one night in dec we went for drinks and got rather drunk and spent 4.5hrs snogging each other 'blush' blush

caught me totally by surprise tbh as certainly wasnt even thinking of seeing/meeting anyone as feel its too soon but there is something there

i dont look at him at think phroaw , but he makes me smile (much needed after losing dg sad ) but there is def a spark, difference is that he kisses me and i melt, but i keep saying he isnt my type-then again tbh last time i was dating my type was a teenager

we are taking things slow, because of my circumstances sad and also as he has been hurt in the past

im very wary and also feel that i will be judged as less then a year since dh died but it wasnt as if i was looking for romance and joined dating agencies etc - it just happened with the help of vino

give this bloke a chance, someone who makes you laugh is worth so much more then a handsome man who cheats iyswim

AThingInYourLife Sun 19-Feb-12 17:29:41

I didn't fancy now-DH when I first met him. In fact I thought he was a supercilious prick.

But he grew on me and I came to like and admire him enormously and then to fancy him like crazy.

By the time we first kissed I could barely contain myself.

He still gives me butterflies 11 years later.

I don't really see the point of dating someone you aren't attracted to.

An attraction might develop, but until and unless it does you're just friends.

Trills Sun 19-Feb-12 17:30:52

It doesn't sound as if you "don't fancy him".

FabbyChic Sun 19-Feb-12 17:31:06

I think you have more chance of this relationship working than you have any of the others, Ive been with men for looks only, and yet they have bored me to tears, one beat the crap out of me so bad I looked like a car crash.

Ive seen men Im not physically attracted to recently, however when kissing there was nothing there, if there had of been Id have stayed with them.

Personalities keep people together not looks, and yes it is acceptable to think other men are better looking.

You deserve to be happy, go for it.

FreakoidOrganisoid Sun 19-Feb-12 17:33:57

I'm also in a similar situation except we've only had 4 dates. First kiss was crap, 2nd was better, and 3rd much better. Am just seeing how it goes for now, I know I like him enough not to want to stop seeing him yet, but am also wary of keeping him hanging on for too long- I don't want to be unfair to him. Like yours he isn't unattractive, I just haven't looked at him and thought phwoar yet.

amillionyears Sun 19-Feb-12 18:39:33

I didnt initially fancy my DH, or even like him very much. I only went out with him, because my group of friends and his group of friends knew each other, and his group would have teased him terribly if I had said no.
At the end of date two, he told me he loved me! So I decided to go out with him another twice.As I was getting ready for date number four, I thought it was a shame that I was going to dump him that evening. I then realised that I didnt have to dump him, it was me making up the rules! It took me 6 months for me to love him.
We had both realised that for the relationship to work he had to have changed some of his ways.In particular, he had to stop being so arrogant, and lying to people.
We have now been married for 24 years.
My advice to you, FWIW, is to carry on seeing him for a few months and see what happens.

ElusiveCamel Sun 19-Feb-12 18:58:06

I was seeing someone I wasn't initially attracted to at all. I liked them a lot and thought 'What a pity I don't fancy them' and then one night we went out and when I saw him I thought 'phwoar' and I really did fancy them from that point. Attraction is a funny thing. Just because you don't find him attractive now doesn't mean that the switch won't flip - you may find yourself fancying him properly. I'm not sure I would advise staying with him if that doesn't happen though.

privateplane Sun 19-Feb-12 19:02:36

How would you feel if you saw him with someone else?
Thats usually a clue

cousinviolet Mon 20-Feb-12 06:35:48

My first boyfriend was kind of like this. He was lovely, treated me well, funny, kind - basically everything that you would want. But I wasn't attracted to him, at least not attracted enough. Went out for a couple of years, and then felt like a bitch when I dumped him. The truth is, I broke up with him because every now and then I'd meet some other guy that I was really attracted to and tempted by. I ended up going out with a few of those types of guys later on, and they were fun but were never long term prospects. If I'd met boyfriend #1 after, rather than before, the subsequent guys, then I'd probably have happily settled down with him.

But I'm glad I didn't, because once I met my DP, there were no doubts, and no difficult decisions. The attraction is obvious, and he has everything else as well. I feel incredibly lucky.

I think my advice would be, see how it goes for a bit. It's still early days if you've only seen each other a few times. See if any lust develops. If there is really no attraction and you don't enjoy the physical side of things, then that would be a red flag for me.

Ava7Susan Mon 14-Aug-17 01:26:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Mon 14-Aug-17 10:47:07

I met my XH at work. Not in a million years did I fancy him but we got on well, shared the same sense of humour and bantered away during the day and I really fell in like with him. I could feel the butterflies building but one day he walked past my desk, I got a whiff of his aftershave and a switch flicked in. As far as I was concerned he was the most gorgeous man on earth rather than the cliche accountant-type that didn't work out. He was nothing like my 'usual type'. We were together 15 years and I always thought he was gorgeous.

You've got butterflies. It's happening. I'd love an old fashioned romance and it sounds lovely that he's not rushing you into bed.

Gwenhwyfar Mon 14-Aug-17 10:57:56

"But is it ok to think other men are better looking than your boyfriend?"

Well, not all women can be going out with the best looking man in the world? I'm surprised you normally think that of your boyfriends actually.

"I get butterflies "

Well, you wouldn't get butterflies if you only liked him as a friend so it sounds like you do fancy him.

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