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Relationships

Still Struggling with this 'relationship' 26 years later

36 replies

Rachel700 · 18/10/2011 21:16

I am 41 now, married with children.

When I was 15, my maths teacher and I got along very well. I was always mature for my age (or 15 going on 50 as the teachers always said). He was unmarried, I adored him - everyone knew, including him.

He taught me for 4 years, right into the sixth form, where I also took maths. Over the years, I had the sense that we were 'friends' because we got along so well. He would always ask me to stay behind after class, we had lots of banter that went over the heads of the other kids, he had a nickname for me that he used when nobody else was around.

I knew at the time that I apparently had a 'crush' on him. I knew he probably didn't feel the same way and never allowed myself to believe that he might. I did sometimes wonder about it, but would shrug it off as 'impossible.'

By the time I was in the upper sixth form, I came to my senses. This guy was never going to be mine - surely if he felt the same way, he would have told me by now. I'd been stupid, I thought. I'd wasted my time on him and I'd better move on. He was 20 years older.

I began dating a boy from the lower sixth - six months younger than me. I remember noticing that Paul (the teacher) was a bit frosty with me around this time but talked myself into thinking I was imagining it - wishful thinking I thought. Deep down, I knew he was jealous. I just didn't have the courage to believe myself.

Anyway, I left school and worked in an office for the summer before leaving for university. Paul knew where I worked and one day he rang me out of the blue in the office, just for a chat and to wish me luck at university. I was surprised he'd called me and said I'd keep in touch. I knew where he lived, so I began writing to him and we wrote to each other until I was 25, at which point I was living abroad in Cyprus. My contract then ended and I came back to my home town to start a new job.

Being back close to Paul was like a thunderbolt. By this point I was with a really great guy who I planned to marry and we'd just bought a flat. My boyfriend worked away and Paul would come over and see me occasionally when he wasn't around (which was most of the time). A few years passed and by this point we'd got to know each other on more equal terms I suppose. Then one night when he was leaving he kissed me and admitted how he had always felt. He didn't say exactly how long he'd had feelings for me, just said 'always.'

I was utterly confused, bewildered. I didn't know what to think or do. I didn't know how I felt. I did love him - I always had - but my llife had moved on and I'd had to deal with having left him when I was 18 assuming that he didn't feel the same way because he hadn't told me. I also loved my boyfriend very much.

Horrible few days passed. He'd left my flat and left me hanging and confused. I tried to call him but he didn't pick up. I saw him in a petrol station and he pretended not to have seen me. I felt he'd let me down, he was a coward - not that bloke I thought he was. Eventually he picked up the phone, I said we needed to talk, he said he didn't want to talk. We ended up going to a country pub where we discussed what had happend or rather I talked and he listened and said he had nothing to say on the subject but that it had been a mistake and had felt 'wrong'. I said it was a good job we hadn't ended up together after all - he disagreed strongly. God I was so confused.

In the end we agreed not to mention it again. I wasn't happy with that, didn't feel it had been dealt with but I could see he was struggling with it. The next time I saw him, he was still struggling and said he wanted to be 'more than just friends' with me and seemed to be trying to tell me he had really deep feelings for me but not being able to find the right words.

To be honest, by this point I felt he'd been such a coward that my view of him was shaken beyond repair. I viewed him differently, sort of pitied him but hated him for having stirred it all up and run away. We never mentioned it again untl the day I got married, when he was leaving my wedding reception and I hugged him and told him I loved him (had said that to all my friends) and he responded that he loved me too. He was sober. I looked at him and could see he meant it. NOt great timing, my wedding day.

That was 10 years ago. I'm now married with the kids, have a wonderful husband who I love to bits and a happy life. He remains unmarried. I'm glad I didn't end up with him but we're still friends.

We went out for lunch together on Saturday - I always feel so mixed up after I see him. I can't make sense of any of it, never really got 'closure'. I'm at the point now I need somebody else's perspective on what happened. Did I handle it wrong? Should I ever mention it again? DOes he have closure?

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KCEHNR · 18/10/2011 21:29

Feeling a bit sad like when I saw Bridges of Madison County, reading this...