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Should I be worried that OH is sending messages on FB to random women?

(44 Posts)
vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 17:03:19

I tried to access my account but his opened instead - I think because he hadnt logged out previously.

Of course I had a bit of a snoop, rightly or wrongly. You see we have never been friends on facebook. He wont add me and has always said "we live together so dont need to be mates on there too". Fair point. However I have always been a bit suspicious as he denied even having an account for well over a year and had to come clean a few months ago as he slipped up and mentioned something he saw on facebook.

Anyway, he has sent messages to random women on there, telling them how beautiful they are, nice pic, send me your number etc.

These women are all scantily clad and obviously the type that love posting pics of themselves wearing very little and posing in a sexy way.

My boy is 8mths old and we have only had sex once since I gave birth. I have not been in the mood, dont feel all that attractive and he to be honest is not doing it for me right now. He makes no effort at all.

I feel really hurt by him & humiliated. Is it harmless flirting or should I be worried?

PenguinsAreThePoint Tue 18-Oct-11 17:08:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BangersNGash Tue 18-Oct-11 17:09:50

I'd be worried if I were you.

It sounds to me like he wants to keep his real life and internet life totally separate from you.

I'm not on facebook but I believe from what I have heard that it is the work of the devil.

Doesn't sound good to be honest. Sorry.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 18-Oct-11 17:10:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EEEEKinthebeeswax Tue 18-Oct-11 17:12:29

He has no considerations for your feelings.

I wonder how he would like it if you were messaging fit men, telling them how sexy they were?

Are you going to tell him you know about his little secret?

Send me your number would have me very worried, am so sorry you are going through this.

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 17:12:42

Yes I find it odd. Most men would be really, or ought to be really proud to have a son & would post pics or at least have some reference to them! I have lots of male friends on facebook that I met through school/uni etc and never hide anything. I dont need to! But seems like he is keeping his family life separate.

I have never felt that secure in the relationship as he always seems so secretive. When I question him he gets defensive and blames me for not trusting him. But how can I trust him when he is like this? Very odd behaviour indeed.

I guess I need to have a serious think about what to do here....

HauntyMython Tue 18-Oct-11 17:12:56

He is acting like a single man with no responsibility - using FB as a dating site. Having you as a FB friend would ruin that for him.

Don't let him fob you off either, and say it's just harmless fun - I wouldn't be at all surprised if it goes further at some point.

Rollon2012 Tue 18-Oct-11 17:15:27

Are you going to confront him OP?

AbbyAbsinthe Tue 18-Oct-11 17:15:57

Bloody hell, if I lived with someone that wouldn't add me to Facebook, that would ring very loud alarm bells indeed.

What he's doing is with intent to progress it. You need to have it out with him.

EEEEKinthebeeswax Tue 18-Oct-11 17:17:27

Bangers I agree, I am not on facebook either, nor is DP. It just causes trouble, its a glorified popularity contest.

OP you must be feeling sensitive right now. What you need is love and respect.

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 17:23:50

I reckon I will leave his account open, so he knows I have seen it. Im sure he will blame me for snooping but I dont care what he says. He clearly has something to hide and he has deleted the majority of messages as he only has them from yesterday. He does the same with his mobile too. No history whatsoever is kept.

I guess I've known deep down for a while but Ive been hoping that things might get better or he might change. I thought the baby might knock him into shape. No such luck... angry

Bucharest Tue 18-Oct-11 17:24:20

He is pretending, to all these scantily clad women, that you and your child do not exist.

He is wanking his ego, if nothing else. And to be honest, I'd be concerned it was more than his ego and more than a wank.

Not good OP. sad

You're going to have to talk to him about it. And he will probably maintain it's his workmates logging onto his account as a joke or something.

GreenBlueRed Tue 18-Oct-11 17:25:34

I would try to get hold of his phone, to have a look at his text messages and see if there is anything there to suggest that he has been in touch with any of these women, if they did send their tel numbers. He's being a shit, and yes you should be worried, you shouldn't have to ask.

AbbyAbsinthe Tue 18-Oct-11 17:26:23

I certainly don't use FB as a popularity contest! I use it to keep in touch with people all over the world. But this man is using it for something else. Are you going to speak to him OP?

Bucharest Tue 18-Oct-11 17:27:28

I would be trying to find out just how many phones he's got.....

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 17:38:02

At the end of the day he cant be trusted and even if he hasnt met up with anyone yet, it will happen eventually wont it? He is messaging these women, flirting, trying to appear single without children - so something will happen one day if it hasnt already.

Do I want to be around when it happens...? No I certainly do not. I feel stupid enough now as it is. I've sacrificed and been through a hell of a lot for him and he is still acting like a horny little 17year old. Pathetic really.

I would never dream of treating him in this way but I guess not everyone has the same values.

He can go get his wank on with whoever he likes. Im just so fed up of being taken for a fool now.

When he gets back Im going to show him the messages and see what he has to say. He probably will try and blame a friend or whatever, but I've heard that one before so he cant use it again today....

Apocalypto Tue 18-Oct-11 18:05:22

Complete arsehole sadly.

Maybe it's my age but I'm baffled by FB and can't imagine what it's useful for.

Did I read somewhere that a lot of prostitutes are on there or have I confused that with dating sites?

Sorry not to be more help but you are not imagining it or going mad, this not an acceptable way to behave.

waterrat Tue 18-Oct-11 18:36:03

harmless flirting? are you serious? he has a partner and a child - it is completely and totally unacceptable to be chatting women up online - and keeping this double life from you. I'm worried, OP, that you think this might be normal - why are your standards of what you expect from him so low?

And why on earth would you leave it open to show him you've seen - you should be packing his bags ! He needs to be told openly and clearly that his behaviour is not acceptable and you won't tolerate it - you don't need to tiptoe around him. And tell him to get stuffed if he says you were 'snooping' - he has been hiding his facebook account from you - of course it's not normal to refuse to be friends on fb with your own must have known that....

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but he sounds like a horrible creep - it's really tragic to just randomly message strange women like that - even if he was single it would be pathetic!

Don't waste time playing games, tell him what you have seen and tell him you are not going to put up with it.

I also think you should get some counselling as to why you have put up with his devious behaviour for so long...

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 18:42:28

i know you are 100% right...Im just so upset and feel so let down. I cant stop crying now and feel really bad. He is having a nice relaxing bath and is none the wiser right now. I just feel so over it...I cant even be bothered to have it out. I feel like just never talking to anyone again.

Im being dramatic now....hate it when I get like this. Im quite a reserved, introverted person and just no good at dealing with confrontation at all. I talk the talk but when it comes to taking action I become a wimp. Guess he knows this which is why he never changes.

I know I need to just move on. I cant trust him at all and I would rather just be on my own. At least I wouldnt feel like this! Im going to speak to him.

Apocalypto Tue 18-Oct-11 18:44:19

Good luck, be firm, try not to lose your temper and don't put up with any bullshit.

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 19:09:51

I confronted him. He immediately threw a massive strop, shouting at me and saying I shouldnt be looking at his stuff and that the girls are from work (not true).

He has stormed out without saying anything else.


AbbyAbsinthe Tue 18-Oct-11 19:19:15

Oh vanilla sad

You were right to confront him, you know. And him storming out is a huge admission of guilt, imo. He'll be trying to think of a way to wriggle out of it.

How do you feel about the relationship in general?

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 19:29:46

yes, him walking out without really talking to me and answering the question shows me that he has been up to no good sad

i love him but i havent felt good for a long time. i had some strange girl texting him just after I had the baby. he managed to make some excuse then but i became suspicious again when he ran up a huge phone bill. he then couldnt explain who he had been texting/calling to get this £500 bill. I rang one of the numbers and it was a female and she said she had known him for years etc. She said they were going to go public, which I knew was a lie as I know his family really well. She was exaggerating but clearly there must have been something going least flirty behaviour/messages.

the more I say here, the more I realise how bad it really is...

ImperialBlether Tue 18-Oct-11 19:39:17

Vanilla, I'm really sorry to say this, but the life you had with him isn't the life you thought you had. He's been living a double life, whether he's been physically meeting girls (which I would think has happened) or whether it's all online.

A similar thing happened to me (not online) and it was as though everything was out of kilter. It was only when I realised what was happening that everything fell into place. I ended it. I couldn't live like that, not knowing about my own life.

Be brave and think about it. Do you want to live like this?

vanillaskinnylatte Tue 18-Oct-11 19:50:10

well it certainly looks like he is hoping for something better to come along or whatever. Im not going to carry on like this. I just cant trust him and I want someone that is proud to be with me, someone that really loves and respects me. I believe he cares in some way...but its clearly not enough. He likes his ego being boosted and being flirty with these women etc is giving him that excitement and lord knows what else. Im better off getting rid and living a "real" life.

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