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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

pregnant & dumped ..advice needed plz

39 replies

BelleRomford74 · 04/10/2011 13:35

Have posted on same subject before & although I have lots of lovely friends they do tend to either fence sit or are so cross at the babies dad that they want revenge!! So I am asking for a calmer prospective please...

Quick recap; I am 5 months pregnant not planned but now so happy as I lost a child 3 years ago!! The dad is a neighbour who I was having a casual no strings kind of sexual relationship with..he was very angry when I told him I was pregnant & I don't blame him for this as the contraception failiure was down to me we have only spoken twice since I told him & he has ignored me for the last 3 & half months!!! Will pass me in the street without even glancing in my direction..I have tried to keep communication open sent him scan pics etc.. but he appears to have been able to shut the situation out of his life altogether.. My plan was to this weekend send his parents (We have never met) a 20 week scan pic & a letter telling them about the baby. I have drafted a nice letter in which I have not slagged off their son I have explained why I could not terminate (my deceased child) & said that what they do now is up to them but I feel in my heart this is the right thing to do & they have the right to know. (They seem to be from what he has told me decent people who love their other grandchildren) ....So is this the right thing to do peeps?????

Or am I just trying to hurt him because I feel he is treating me poorly, or should I wait until closer to the birth??? Thanks for any opinions you care to give!! xx

OP posts:

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Purplebuns · 04/10/2011 13:40

What are you hoping to get from his parents? It sounds a bit like your not getting the attention you want from him so are going to them. I could understand letting them know, but writing to complete strangers about your deceased child seems a bit.. Odd.

He is being an arsehole without a doubt, but I would have the baby and then get CSA involved to sort out maintenance and leave it at that.
I hope it gets sorted out.

TobyLeWolef · 04/10/2011 13:46

Bollocks is this the right thing to do! Your situation is nothing to do with his parents and it is unfair to drag them into it.

It is disingenuous to suggest that you would be doing this because "they have a right to know". You would be doing it because their son has pissed you off and you want to grass him up.

lubeybooby · 04/10/2011 13:50

I think his parents have a right to know they have a grandchild on the way and the child has a right to grandparents!

Be prepared for a frosty reception though, they might not react well.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 13:53

Oh dear

This could go either way. I wouldn't have done this, tbh. What are you hoping for...that they will shake some sense into their son ? That is a bit of a lost cause, tbh

I remember your previous post(s)

I am pretty sure I said at the time you need to look to yourself and get on with life just you and your new baby, and as far as I can see that is still the appropriate course of action

FreckledLeopard · 04/10/2011 14:07

I did something slightly similar, in terms of writing to DD's grandparents (her father's parents) after she was born, explaining that I'd had DD, that her father (their son) wanted nothing to do with us, but that as DD's biological grandparents, they were welcome to see DD and have a relationship with her. I had met his parents a few times too. However, they ignored letter completely and neither DD's father or his family have ever met DD (who is now nearly 11). Consequently, don't be surprised if they don't want to know - family loyalty can be strong.

solidgoldbrass · 04/10/2011 14:09

Oh FFS don't go whining to his parents! This man is more than likely to tell them that you are a mad spiteful bunny boiling liar and the baby isn't even his. And they will believe him because he is their son and they have no idea who you are.

Yes, of course, you will be able to prove paternity by means of a DNA test, but you will not have got off to a very good start with your LO's future grandparents by behaving like this.

Look, your PG was unplanned, and this man is not being entirely unreasonable to refuse to have anything further to do with you. While he will be legally obliged to make a financial contribution, the more you pester him, the worse the chances are of him feeling inclined to take an active interest in the child when it's born.

PeppermintPasty · 04/10/2011 14:11

Hmm, yes, I have a friend who did this. Her motives were questionable and we tried to talk her out of it and/or get her to tone down what she was planning. It didn't work out well, the ex upped his hostility and the GP's never got in touch or saw her DC at all.

From what you've written I tend to agree with purple and Toby I'm afraid.

BelleRomford74 · 04/10/2011 14:11

tbh Anyfucker, If I am 100% honest with myself it is mainly to shake some sense into him or even hurt/anger him.. I am in a better place now with being ignored it hardly bothers me at all as I am feeling my precious baby kicking inside me I am just so thankful I have another chance at being a mum. But I do think its sad that they might never know or his parents or sisters may find out through local gossip mutual facebook friends etc...

I do take on board tobylewolef 's opinion (although there is no need to be rude to someone you don't know!!) & yes there is an element of truth in it the babies Dad has pissed me off ... we were such close friends before anything happened & I miss his friendship dreadfully... but I am not stupid I realise this has gone forever!! He is the type of guy who once he has made up his mind he sticks to it no matter how much he hurts others or himself!!

But it is his loss.. I have had a hellish last few years caring for my severly disabled daughter & cherished daughter up until her death, therefore I am far too strong to let someone like him break me!!

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 04/10/2011 14:13

You've said it yourself-it's his loss. You can't make another person see sense, he may come to it in time and maybe then you two can build bridges. But if you're not careful, this will eat you up and sap all your energy.

IMO.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 14:23

For someone who is 'now so happy' it seems distinctly odd that you are intent on inflicting hurt and misery on others.

Write to his parents and imply that their ds wanted you to terminate his unborn child, to say nothing of mentioning the grievous loss of your precious dc? That is not only attention seeking way beyond the pale, it could also be seen as malicious on your part as it will inevitably cause considerable upset to people you have never met.

Given the circumstances, it seems that the father of your unborn dc most probably suspects that your 'contraception failure' was deliberate and it wouldn't be surprising if he currently loathes you, but there is a chance that his attitude may soften after the birth.

However, if you go ahead with your bunny boiling plan to tell his parents, his loathing may turn into permanent implacable hatred and it is unlikely that his dps will welcome the birth of another grandchild or wish to have anything to do with you.

am I just trying to hurt him because I feel he is treating me poorly In the vernacular, that is stating 'the bleedin' obvious' and you're also deluded if you think that telling his parents will bring about any rapprochement as it's a surefire way of making a bad situation infinitely worse.

should I wait until closer to the birth If you possess any shred of decency and if you want your child to have any chance of knowing its paternal grandparents, you should wait until after the birth and let the father of your child make his own decision at to whether and when to tell his dps.

FreckledLeopard · 04/10/2011 14:36

I'm not sure I agree with Izzy. In terms of contraceptive failure, the OP hasn't stated what did or didn't happen. However, in my experience, a lot of men assume that contraception isn't an issue and don't actively seek to ensure that pregnancy won't occur (i.e. they are lax about using condoms etc). Consequently, if the contraceptive failure is simply a failure, rather than a deliberate attempt to get pregnant without the father's consent, then I don't see why the father should flounce around, ignore the OP and generally act like an idiot, if pregnancy was a risk. Surely any adult ought to know that if you have sex with someone, then there is a possibility that pregnancy could occur?

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 15:00

It does sound like you have had a hellish few years. I am very sorry about the daughter you lost...what was her name, btw ? (PM me that bit if you wish)

This isn't going to help you, though. I hope you have changed your mind about such a course of action

You can't force this guy to step up...it ain't gonna happen, and what will be perceived as attention-seeking stunts are only going to alienate you even more. What do your friends advise you ?

Pease, just look to your own little family now and accept this man is not worth your anger and obsession. You won't be the first nor the last to bring up dc alone. You have been through much worse...you can do this

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 16:11

I agree with you FL but, no matter what it may say on their birth certificates, some men (and women, for that matter) do not behave as if they are adults nor do they seem to have any awareness of the need to take responsibility for their own actions.

hells1908 · 04/10/2011 16:19

Oh you poor thing. I do completely understand your motives...but try to step back a little and think what the best possible outcome is for your DD, namely that she has some sort of relationship in the future with the paternal side of the family. That would probably be best achieved by staying schtum, being sweetness and light, creating the impression with him that you're not going to be a mentaloid (though you have every right to be!)...and hopefully his heart will soften when and if he sees you later on in the pregnancy and then when DD is born.

It would just be too easy for him to dismiss you as loony and someone he doesn't want to have anything to do with otherwise - and therefore influence his parents accordingly.

Hard, I know, but just try to live in a little bubble for now.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 04/10/2011 17:20

What was the contraception failure? Did you stick holes in his condoms?

Wrt the letter...don't send it. It will only make things worse, not better. As for him, I'd ignore him and get on with your own life if I were you. He'll know when the baby is born when he receives the letter from CSA/CMEC, or whatever it's called then. Then the ball is in his court.

hairylights · 04/10/2011 17:23

Good grief no! You have chosen to jeep the baby he has been very clear e wants nothing to do with it. Don't go to his parents!

notlettingthefearshow · 04/10/2011 17:32

Gosh I'm almost speechless. Why do you want to bring his parents into it? You will undoubtedly hurt them and cause problems between them, which he won't thank you for - and I don't blame him.

He has made his decision about the baby, and you have made yours. You sound happy enough to have the baby alone. There is plenty of time in future for the father and/or his parents to get involved if you and they wish, but I think it's a bit too raw to act now.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

toptramp · 04/10/2011 17:41

I'm sorry but this man IS being totally untreasonable even if the pregnancy was unplanned. He should have put a condom on. end of. He should be stepping up to the plate even if he dosn't want a relationship with you. What's wrong with letting the grandparents know their son is an irresponsible fucker? Just don't expect a reply because they will still see him as a their little darling who can do no wrong. We cannot keep enabling these men girls!

toptramp · 04/10/2011 17:47

I just can't believe you lot are giving the op such a hard time. He is IGNORING her. No need. Many pregnancies are unplanned and yet a proportion of those dads manage to do the write thing. OP- you are not bunny boilerish in the slightest. this man is a total knob and no wonder you want to get at him. Think about it long and hard and just thank you rlucky stars that you had a lucky escape.

toptramp · 04/10/2011 17:48

His parents are the child's grandparents. Would you not want to know if you had a grandchild? Now I am speachless.

toptramp · 04/10/2011 17:55

I would tell them but then I am a bitch. OP; do what you feel is right; just don't expect a response and I do sympathise op as the same happened to me. 1 in 3 pregnancies are unplanned and the least that the man could do is be supportive.

heleninahandcart · 04/10/2011 18:02

Please do not contact his parents, it will only alienate you further and could mean they also decide to have nothing to do with you or your baby. You are very happy to be having your baby but he has made it clear he is not. You cannot force him to be interested.

Once you have had your baby, he may change his mind or he may not. Please enjoy your pregnancy and your baby as things are now.

toptramp · 04/10/2011 18:05

THEY are not HIM though. I know plenty of grandparents who dote on their grandchildren whilst the dad does bugger all. What on earth does HE have to do with whether the child's own grandparents know?

mabe wait until the child is born and then initiate contact?

PamBeesly · 04/10/2011 18:05

Belle the father is being so unfair to you. Sure it may have come as a shock but he is an adult and he needs to support you now. Also contraception is the job of TWO people not just one.
I don't know what writing to his parents now will achieve but I think that they should be told, maybe closer to the time of the birth or after your baby arrives. Do you know anything about his parents? What kind of people they are etc?
I'm so sorry you lost your first child, I hope you get lots of joy from this little one

BelleRomford74 · 04/10/2011 18:13

Thank you toptramp for your support.

I am not a bunny boiler or was ever out to trap him or get pregnant intentionally!! at the age of 37 with a 9 year old daughter already I was looking forward to her getting old enough so I could have some more freedom!! nor am I a stupid nieve idiot I am well aware, I have no right to be angry with him for his attitude towards the pregnancy but hey if you dont want any more kids that bad then as a man you wear a condom just incase your having sex with a bunny boiling desperate to get pregnant woman!!!!!!

Despite being judged as the above I have taken all opinions onboard & will keep my mouth closed!!... I am more than capable of bringing up this baby alone & with the help of wonderful family & friends... I am not a bad person & actually feel sorry for him as I feel his decision will cause him such sadness & stress.

Thanks to those who did'nt judge & offered me support.

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