have namechanged for this. I really need someone to tell me if I'm going mad or if my husband is being an arse. We went out to a barbecue at a friend's house yesterday. I have an 8 month-old dd. After a long spell (a really nice day during which no-one argued and there was no trouble), I said the baby was tired and I wanted to go home, so promptly called a cab. He said he would get another cab from the same company and bring the rest of the baby stuff home (we had brought some toys etc). I got back to the house about 8. 11 o'clock came and went and no news from him, no sign. I called, no answer. 12 came and went, I called, no answer. Ditto 1am. By this time quite worried, I sent a text saying could he just call to let me know he was OK. No answer. Finally, around 2am, he picks up the phone saying he's round the corner in a bar. I am miffed because I didn't know where he was, if he was safe etc. When he finally gets back, extremely drunk, I make it clear I'm not happy about his not having picked up any of my calls/texts. He goes off in a huge stomp. Comes in 10 mins later, kisses the baby, says "goodbye my love, you will never know your father, I'm sorry, but I will always love you." I give him an earful. For the rest of the night he goes around doing things basically designed to wind me up (throws objects out of the window, turns music on very loud, calls me a b*h.) No physical violence.
Eventually at about 5 am he kind of says sorry. I'm still pissed off. Get up at 10 am and ask him to look after the baby while I clean the house. Needless to say he has terrible hangover. Eventually, after baby has gone back to sleep, he storms off into the street, taking his passport (he's not British) and leaving his keys and mobile phone which may or may not be designed to make a point.
He may or may not have gone back to the country of his birth. Or he may be sulking. Am I right to think that he has crossed the rubicon and that I shouldn't take him back under any circumstances? If he does come back I'm inclined at the moment to say that the marriage is over, regardless of how much he apologises. My feeling is that a man who uses his daughter to emotionally blackmail his wife is probably capable of doing worse things even if he hasn't done them yet. But its also possible that I was a bit of a controlling so and so. I am at the end of my tether and would appreciate some advice.
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is he being abusive, am I crazy or is this somewhere in the middle?
quesadilla · 02/10/2011 13:08
I think that is outrageous!
It this a common occurrence or do you think the drink could have played a part if it is a one off? By takin his passport this morning I think this is him clearly trying to manipulate you and leave you uncertain of his intent 
OK, twenty questions time... 
how long have you known him, how long have you been married. Is he an EU citizen or non-EU. Truthfully, is there any potential reason he may have to have to marry you? Not suggesting anything at all at this stage, but it can help get the best picture.
What exactly is he saying YOU need psychiatric help for?
You say, after a long spell (no arguments etc)... so are there spells where there ARE a lot of arguments?
Has he called you names in the past?
Does he drink often? Does he get drunk often?
Otherwise, what you have said to him today is spot on! That you will NOT tolerate any repetition of his behaviour,
Tell him that if HE buggers off and his DD won't know him that is entirely down to him, but to remind him that it's his choice and you will NOT put up with any and every bit of shit he throws just to have a man in your lives. There are billions of other men, and not all of them will strop and sulk and piss off to the bottom of a bottle until dawn.
Bluff this bugger out, this is him trying rebelling since the birth most likely, flexing his man muscles and getting away with as much as he can now you are otherwise occupied. he is shoving you into Mother mode and not partner. You'll end up resenting him if he's not careful!
So he is putting the onus on you to take responsibility for the relationship then.And,starting this it seems as soon as you become a mum,and as Hissy says,are otherwise occupied with your dc being your first responsibility,and your freedom reduced.And, pulling the 'psychiatric' card out of the hat.
Hmm, yes this sounds more and more like 'I can, so I will!' He thinks because you have his child perhaps that means you have less options? 
This is a game of chicken. Don't blink. Stand FIRM and refuse to budge on thinking that this is unreasonable and disrespectful of you. That he is trying to manipulate you into shutting TFU and putting up with it.
Remind him that you are perfectly sane, that you are a good mother and will be so whether or not he chooses to be a part of it.
This is either him playing king of the castle, or running away from the responsibility of being a father. He has attempted to rule himself out of the parenting role today by incapacitating himself when YOU have taken up the slack thus far.
neither of these scenarios makes him a very attractive man, nor adequate role model.
Remind him that if he insists on shirking his duties as a husband and father then it'll be highly unlikely that he'll be missed in any way shape or form when he leaves.
Show him that you will NOT fall apart if he abandons you. Men often use this threat to get their own way.
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