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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

We're going to lose it all, H is just playing chicken with me and I'm so sad

43 replies

dizzykizzy · 30/09/2011 22:30

I finally realised tonight that H will not do anything to try and keep what we have.

He will let us spiral into debt, expect me to go and get a new job so that we can stay in our current house, not do anything to help our DD stay at her current school, not find another job with better pay or try to get more hours in his current job. It is like he is playing chicken with me, calling my bluff and waiting for me to lose my nerve and make everything better again; like I have for the last 9 years.

But tonight I finally realised that H will never actually do anything for us. He is never going to remember when my birthday is or what year we got married or bother to buy me a Valentines Cards or an anniversary card unless DD asks him to. He will continue to get our DD to buy and wrap up Christmas presents for him becuase he says he's no good at it, he will only ever top up his phone when I or DD offer to do it for him. He is never going to remember the date of his Dad's or younger brother's birthdays.

At no time in the future is H going to stop getting angry with our DCs for the smallest and most ridiculous of transgressions. He is never going to start a conversation with me about whether I think they will go to university let alone actively contribute to planning for it, financially or otherwise. He will always insist that DD is wrong anytime she has an opinion. He will never let me have any sick time without immediately taking to his bed afterwards in retaliation. He is never going to weed the garden, fix the shower, mend the back door step, move the shed; despite all of the promises he has made. He is never going to book a surprise meal out for me or make friends that we can socialise with together. He is never going to suggest and book a trip to the theatre for us, read a book together in bed, want to have a dog or come on long hikes with me in the pouring rain made better by an afternoon spent in a dry, cosy pub.

I have realised tonight that although he tells me every day that he loves me, he has no intention of ever caring for me.

OP posts:

Report

thenightsky · 30/09/2011 22:35

I could't live like that.

3littlefrogs · 30/09/2011 22:35

That is so sad.

What are you going to do?

dizzykizzy · 30/09/2011 22:39

I don't know. We've been together 22 years but I've only just seen the situation for what it is. I probably need to move on...

OP posts:

sheepgomeep · 30/09/2011 22:44

This was my ex except he was increasingly aggressive toward us all. I felt like his mother and he was my fifth child.

I got out in the end. Best thing I ever did.

planetpotty · 30/09/2011 22:53

I think you should press ctrl P and hand him a copy of the above!

VeryLittleGravitas · 30/09/2011 23:04

You need to think of your DD in all of this. What lessons are you teaching her by enabling this sort of behaviour.

Youe husband has no need to change..he's always got the safety net that you provide. If you want to stay with him then stop bailing him out. Separate finances, so that his debts remain his alone. Don't remind him about birthdays, phone top-ups, anniversaries, and let him take the consequences. Pay for someone to do the DIY/gardening, or do it yourself. Plan trips out for yourself and your daughter. If he starts being an arse then leave him at home.

Call him out on the put-downs and insults. "did you mean to sound so rude?" is a good, non-confrontational mantra.

Personally, I'd leave. It doesn't sound much of a relationship.

Spero · 30/09/2011 23:06

I don't understand what you mean by 'playing chicken'? Sounds like he has a lovely life, he does what he wants, you run all the practical, boring bits and he never has to make any effort for you.

If you have not challenged him in over 20 years, it is perfectly rational for him to think you won't now.

I think you have only one life and it is a shame to spend it with someone who doesn't care about you. love is not what you say, it's what you do.

I agree, show him this thread. You articulate very clearly and movingly what is wrong. If he doesn't understand what you say, he is either very stupid or (more likely) entirely unmoved by you. And why would you want to stay with someone like that?

dizzykizzy · 30/09/2011 23:37

Playing chicken is where two cars drive towards each other and the one who veers off first is the one who lost their nerve. I've always been the one to lose my nerve in the past and put things right.

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seachange · 30/09/2011 23:54

What are the things that he does do? Positive ones I mean. It sounds like a lot all together, but individually the list sounds like all the annoying stuff normal couples have to cope with. Is it really worth considering ending it all over?

He doesn't do the things that make you think he cares about you. I too think you should show him this, at least to give him one more chance to change.

squeakytoy · 30/09/2011 23:55

so what are his good points? ...

dizzykizzy · 30/09/2011 23:59

I sound so critical. I'm far from perfect but then I don't expect a perfect relationship. I can't think of any good points though :(

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 01/10/2011 00:01

Are getting more hours, or a better job things that are within his reach?

Is he the one spending too much money?

dizzykizzy · 01/10/2011 00:11

We just don't have enough income to pay for everything and we will have to sell if things don't change. We agreed 6 months ago that he would look for more work so that I could go part time. He has done very little to try and there have been jobs that he could go for. I went part time and then left work because I could no longer cope and was ill.

OP posts:

garlicslutty · 01/10/2011 00:47

What a heartbreaking OP.

Letting go of all those hopes - he will remember, he will fix it, this time next time he'll see how smart DD is, surely he will - hurts so much.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting a different result. Welcome to sanity.

Maybe, just maybe, he'll get his arse in gear when you kick it. But I wouldn't bank on it - now you've found your sanity, hang on to it.

margoletta · 01/10/2011 00:52

Whether you stay or leave this relationship, you will need to find work. Maybe you need to start there, then you will find the impetus to leave him?

Do you want to leave him?

dizzykizzy · 01/10/2011 07:36

It's the lack of caring that I really can't cope with. I agree that love is what you say not what you do. I've not had a great nights sleep but H has just woken me up by putting on the TV in our bedroom because he was awake early so wanted to watch the rugby.

I don't want this life forever.

OP posts:

JsOtherHalf · 01/10/2011 07:39

Do you think he has any autistic traits?

Regardless of your thoughts about this, I suspect after 20 years you have no resilience left to cope with him for much longer.

waterrat · 01/10/2011 07:40

Dizzy, this is so sad.

Step by step you can change things. You are in charge of your destiny and dreams not him.

Do you want your daughter to end up in relationship like this one day? Because she is learning from you both what relation ships are like - and sadly if she doesn't see you reject his aggressive and unpleasant behaviour she will grow up to choose men just like him. You need to show her that you want to choose happiness and self determination, that you aren't trapped. If he is critical towards her you need to get her away from that.

You say you want walks in the country - that is an achievable aim without him! Join a local walking/ rambling group - they are friendly and usually end in cosy pubs. Perhaps making new friends and stopping he endless waiting for him to suddenly change will give you new strength - to leave him if you need to.

As the poster above says, insanity is to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results. Stop trying to change him - change YOU!

Good luck!

heggertyhaggerty · 01/10/2011 07:59

I think maybe love is more about what you do than what you say iyswim

He's passive aggressive and a total tw*t by the sound of it. I'm so sorry. You sound ready to go...are you prepared in practical terms?

Pagwatch · 01/10/2011 08:05

Your op is sad.
I could handle financial incompetence, lack of ambition, lack of career drive etc.
I couldn't handle the lack of interest, the indifference and the coldness. I could not bear for my dc to grow up thinking that that is how two people who love each other treat each other.

Does he understand any part of how you feel? Have you said to him " I am hurt by your endless disinterest. I am hurt by your simple lack of kindness and care". What does he say?

dizzykizzy · 01/10/2011 08:08

Sorry. He is always telling me he loves me which I have believed for so long. I meant to say love is what you do not what you say

OP posts:

dizzykizzy · 01/10/2011 08:37

We have talked and he always tells me that he does care, that if I want him to do anything then I just need to ask him because he says he won't remember and will need reminding. I do ask him and I do remind him but most often he will find a reason why he can't or won't. When he's out of excuses he will get angry and tell me I'm nagging him! I never really saw that he was disinterested or unmoved by me. It's probably a good way to describe how he acts though.

OP posts:

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Onemorning · 01/10/2011 08:38

I'm so sorry, OP. It doesn't sound like he's treating you right at all.

lolaflores · 01/10/2011 08:55

dizzykizzy, it is all within your reach. But, it takes one big push to get that man out of your way and let you have the life you so richly deserve. That takes alot of courage and a bit of devil may care throw your knickers in the air. Do it with self love, not malice. Simply leave him in the middle of the road where he is obviously happy to be, but just tell him you are not willing to keep him company. He is not entitled to keep you in emotional/financial slavery, this is not what you are on this earth to do. So, let him sink or swim, strike out on your own and start to live. It will be alright in the end. I am only where I am now because I got obstacles out of the way of me and my daughter. Her dad is still in la la land, not to worry, that is his problem.
Much love and big fat slices of good wishes.

pictish · 01/10/2011 09:00

Oh OP, that's one of the most stark and honest posts I've read in ages.

You are right - he is lazy and selfish and doesn't want or feel the need to take responsibility like an adult.

You wanted a life partner, and got another child.

Good luck xxxx

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