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what do you consider to be the key to a happy marriage/relationship?

(44 Posts)
juicychops Wed 14-Sep-11 16:04:48

me and my bf are doing eachother's heads in at the moment. today we are both writing a list of all the things we dislike about eachother and the things we would like to improve. tonight we will discuss it together

are any relationships perfect without the arguing and the 'doing in of eachother's heads'?

what do you consider to be key to a happy relationship?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 16:07:21

Just a thought, but might it be less incindiary for the two of you to make your lists about what you each want in a relationship, generally, rather than list what you dislike about each other, personally?

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 16:09:19

I think if you're doing lists, you should go for positives not ripping each other to shreds. As Itsme said, about what you'd like in a relationship, not about having a pop at each other.

JillySnooper Wed 14-Sep-11 16:09:58

Mutual respect.

More important than love, lust or friendship.

juicychops Wed 14-Sep-11 16:10:44

ha yes, im sure thats just as important, its only because we was talking at the weekend - well arguing really, and we seem to just blurt out the things we dislike rather than have an adult conversation about it. so that's what our aim is tonight grin

BelleEnd Wed 14-Sep-11 16:10:51

Kindness.

follyfoot Wed 14-Sep-11 16:11:03

Yep, I'd go for a list of the positives and then maybe a couple of things you would like to improve together in your relationship. A list of things you dislike about each other sounds horribly destructive sad

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 14-Sep-11 16:12:44

I'd forget the lists, and agree to split up. If it's like this at the GF/BF stage, you have no hope in the long run.

Bunbaker Wed 14-Sep-11 16:12:49

What everyone else has said.
Respect
Love
Trust
Friendship

Without the above you might as well not bother. Writing a list of negative points is destructive and will lead to more arguments.

juicychops Wed 14-Sep-11 16:13:29

ok il turn it into a more positive 'things i would like us to improve' list rather than your crap at x, y, z (not that i would really put that...)

juicychops Wed 14-Sep-11 16:14:48

gotta take my ds to scouts but will be back later to check up smile

seaweedhead Wed 14-Sep-11 16:14:57

Respect
Communication
Willingness to compromise

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 16:17:09

I think OldLady might have a point. I know they say you have to work at relationships, but they don't mean it should be hard work. Maybe you just don't get on.

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 16:18:46

left out a 'this much' before hard work

NanettaStocker Wed 14-Sep-11 16:19:31

Wow, if DP was going to make a list of all the things he didn't like about me, he wouldn't get a chance to read it. He'd be out the door. Don't care how constructive the criticism is. That's cold.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain Wed 14-Sep-11 16:36:30

So are you both going to turn into different people then confused

There are things that drive me crazy about dh, and me him, but 18 years later we are still here.

You both probably know what's gonna be on the others list anyway. It needs to be more positive.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 14-Sep-11 16:40:27

I think doing the list could back fire. Do you not remember in Friends when Ross and Rachel did their lists?

I think what is important is you have to like your partner as a person as well as loving and fancying them. You also need trust and a willingness to listen.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 14-Sep-11 16:43:42

1. Allow someone to be themselves

2. Don't try to change someone

3. No bloody clinginess or control

4. Root for the other person, want the best for them

5. See yourselves as a team and as individuals

6. Realise that they are a person capable of making mistakes - that we are all works in progress

7. Move the fuck on from arguments, stop bringing up crap from the past

8. Learn to apologise - very few people bloody like it, but learn to do it

9. Be kind to yourself (and them)

10. Discuss the big stuff before you have children with them - like money, values, parenting styles

11. Sort YOURSELF out first and don't look for the other person to be your other half - it's twee bullshit - be a real, whole person in your own right.

those are my first thoughts hmm grin

shesparkles Wed 14-Sep-11 16:45:47

Shared values....and of course him accepting that my default position is right ;)

garlicbutty Wed 14-Sep-11 16:47:39

Respect. That's my considered opinion, having fallen flat on my face with the 'best friends', 'lovers' and 'adoring' things. None of the other stuff's any use without mutual respect.

I couldn't live without arguments! That's a personal choice, I feel, and it doesn't matter whether you're a peaceful or shouty couple, as long as you're both the same that way.

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 16:48:26

I like those, Laurie smile.

StitchingMoss Wed 14-Sep-11 16:50:46

Respect and communication.

It amazes me how many of my friends just don't really talk to their partners and tell them how they feel sad.

I would be devastated if my dh listed all the things he hated about me though sad - I know I annoy the shit out of him at times, and vice versa, but we get through the good times and bad by talking.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 16:56:52

Respect. Of self and partner.

takingbackmonday Wed 14-Sep-11 17:22:56

huge cock? sorry

anjali410 Wed 14-Sep-11 20:00:49

From my personal experience: Likes Attract. Types of personalities (introvert/extrovert), hobbies, family background & values, income, what language u speak, where u grew up, etc. Its easy to adjust when u have a lot in common. Also, u never run out of topics to talk to about. We might be temporarily attracted to the opposite personality or try new things for their sake but it gets exhausting over time. If u dont enjoy sports, let him watch it with his buddies & u do something else. Dont force urself into participating in something u dont enjoy. & dont give up ur guilty pleasures like watching chick-flicks or re-runs of sex & the city.

Try finding things that u both enjoy doing together (like watching movies) & invest more time as a couple in that activity. It strengthens the bond considerably.

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