A bit of background, and apologies in advance for how long this one's going to be. 'D'H embarked on an affair almost a year ago with a woman he met abroad on a business trip. It didn't take long for me to suspect something was seriously amiss, nor much digging to find out exactly what was going on - which I did, just a few days before Christmas. He left a few weeks later to set up home with the OW, who in the meantime had arranged herself a job transfer and moved to this country to be with him. So, all done with the most incredible haste and drama, and quite frankly some days I feel like I'm still in shock.
Thanks in equal measure to the support of my family, friends, and hour after hour of lurking (and occasionally posting) on Relationships, I feel like I've come a long way from that devastating time, but the past few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me as H and I have begun to discuss the prospect of him introducing our DC to the OW. They are 5 and 7 and we told them very little when we separated - just that he and I were no longer together, but that we were still a family and they would still see daddy all the time.
Right from the outset, I've tried to put their interests at the heart of every decision I make. H and I are as friendly as can be expected in the circumstances (in fact probably too friendly in many ways - good for the kids, not so good for me as it has taken a long time to get out of the denial stage, but lesson learnt...). He is looking after us financially, I'm allowing and encouraging him to see our DC as often as he can, and in fact he has been much more of a hands-on dad than he ever was, now that he realises if he wants a relationship with them he has to work at it rather than leaving all the childcare up to me.
In this spirit, he has respected the fact that involving the children in his new domestic set-up should wait until the dust has settled a bit and we've all had time to adjust to the situation. Until now, he's either spent time with them here in the family home, or taken them out for the day at weekends. Personally, I would like to leave things even longer, because I fear that having only known the OW for a year and been living with her for 6 months or so, the long-term viability of their relationship hasn't really been tested yet. Especially when the reality of looking after two young kids on a regular basis hasn't even entered the mix... However, I know that I need to accept this could well be 'forever', in which case I need to let go and move on, and give the children a chance to be a proper part of their dad's life.
So what am I asking? Well, is it too soon for them to meet the OW? And on a more practical level, given that she lives with my H and the children are eager to see his new place, how can this introduction be done gradually? How do we explain who she is and why she lives with daddy when they can't? I'm very wary of drip-feeding by saying she's just his 'friend' then leaving them to come to conclusions themselves, because I feel I've already had to be dishonest with them about the reason for our break-up, and I don't want to lie to them any more. It's extremely important to me, now more than ever, that they feel they can trust me and be open with me. I'd hate for them to work out the whole sorry story when they're older and possibly then decide they don't want to have anything to do with the OW (or indeed their dad), and resent me for allowing them to get into that situation because I didn't tell them the truth. However, I'm aware that being too honest will lead them to working out that OW was on the scene before H left, which may not benefit their relationship with him in the long run. And although it tears my heart in two, I know that for them to successfully get through this and have as normal and happy a childhood as possible, it will be better for them to have a good relationship with her as well.
Please, any tips, advice, kind words would be most appreciated - whether you've been in my situation yourself, or are/have been a stepchild or stepparent. I'm really worried about getting this wrong and allowing my emotions to get in the way at the expense of what's best for my kids...
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Relationships
Support and advice re introducing my children to his OW please - all perspectives welcome
100emotionsin1day · 12/09/2011 14:21
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