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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trusting DP -first boys night out.

42 replies

Fatshionista · 10/09/2011 16:06

Hi everyone. I posted before under a different name.

DP and I have been having trust issues lately as for the past two years he'd tell stupid lies, promise to be home at a certain time and stroll in with no keys making me wait up all night at 5am and daft childish things like turning his phone off or answering just for me to hear music and hanging up. This is the product of an easily led suppressed party voy DP and his moronic friends (DP is 25, moronic friends are 35+).

Tonight DP is going out to celebrate a friends birthday. He doesn't have a lot of money and has to be up at 7am for work. I'm having issues trusting but I know I can't stop him and he has to have the opportunity to prove it to me. I can't help thinking he'll let me down.

Am I being a controlling freak by insisting he's home by 12am because I don't feel well, need him to prove he can keep promises, we don't have much money and he has work tomorrow? I don't think so but friends have said I'm a bitch and shouldn't do it :/

OP posts:

Report

FabbyChic · 10/09/2011 16:17

He is 25 that is when people do go out and have fun, he is only very young and is behaving and acting his age.

12am seems too early if he is going clubbing they don't shut until 2.

I'd let him sort himself out and if he don't wake up for work its his own fault.

kangers · 10/09/2011 16:20

I agree with fabby but I totally understand you.
I have insisted this with DH before but usually pointless and causes more rows. xpect 6am and prepare to be right.

kangers · 10/09/2011 16:20

expect

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 16:23

Maybe ask him to leave his cards (or the ones to family money) home, just take out cash with him.

I don't think you should set him deadlines and such 'though. He's an adult and if he doesn't get enough sleep etc, that's his problem and he'll have to get up for work anyway.

MrsGaff · 10/09/2011 16:45

You set him a curfew and phone him while he's on a night out with friends?

Stop treating him like a child, treat him like a man. If he overspends ( as long as it's his money), forgets his keys and doesn't get up for work then he's skint, finds somewhere else to sleep and faces the consequences at work. Stop acting like his mum!

TeamDamon · 10/09/2011 16:49

It seems very weird to set a curfew, wait up for him, worry about the fact he has work tomorrow...

He's a grown man, not your child! What gives you the right to set him a curfew? And equally, why should you wait up for him? If he forgets his keys... He'll have to deal with it, won't he?

Seriously, if a boys' night out causes this much angst, you need to really question why you're in this relationship.

Trifle · 10/09/2011 16:52

For goodness sake.

No one made you stay up till 5am, you're a fool to have done so. The word martyr springs to mind

You cant insist he comes home at midnight, tucked up in bed like a good boy.

If he's got work at 7am that;s his look out. If he's a useless lump in the morning then so be it, at least he'll be at work with a hangover.

Why are you hassling him on a night out anyway. WHat do you achieve by ringing him all evening then winding yourself up because you hear music in the background.

If he's going to go off the rails then he will, no amount of you nagging and insisting he comes home, faking illness etc is going to change things.

The only thing I would be worried about is if he spends beyond his means.

MrsGaff · 10/09/2011 16:56

Just to add that if my DH had the fucking nerve to set me a curfew I'd stay out later deliberately to piss him off

BluddyMoFo · 10/09/2011 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 10/09/2011 17:05

If you insist on acting like his mother then expect him to rebel against your rules.

ImperialBlether · 10/09/2011 19:15

I agree with the above, BUT the OP will probably have to live with the consequences of him coming home really late without his key, of him spending next week's money, etc.

RoyalWelsh · 10/09/2011 19:23

I wouldn't set DP a curfew and he wouldn't set me one either. I would expect him to let me know if he wasn't coming home at all and staying out all night, but I wouldn't know until the morning anyway as I refuse to break my 'bed time' just vecause he's going out :)

My DP has just turned 26 and still enjoys going out with his friends. It's normal, just be pleased he has some at the same time, though, my DP wouldn't dream of spending money in a way that meant we as a household would suffer, so I would definitely talk to him about that.

susiedaisy · 10/09/2011 19:26

I don't think for one minute he will be home by 12 tbh, and by hoping for that you are setting yourself up for a stressful night, if this is a persistent problem for you I would seriously think about your relationship tbh, if he lies and pleases himself even when he knows it causes probs in the relationship it shows a lack of respect on his part IMO

Quintessentialist · 10/09/2011 19:33

25 is not young,

Ops dp has no idea how to behave like a person beyond 20 years of age. I bet his friends are not aware what a juvenile tear he can be. Sorry.

Who says they say you are a bitch. Your dp? Have they actually told you this to yor face?

Thought not.

ike1 · 10/09/2011 19:39

Oh lovely, I feel so sad that you need a selfish twat like this. But you will have to let him do his thing cos he will anyway. You need to do some work on your fears - I read your thread about him working late at night btw.

heleninahandcart · 10/09/2011 19:41

OP no so called friends should call you a bitch, its just plain wrong

But, there is no point in trying to set a deadline for your DP. What will happen when inevitably he goes past his curfew? A row, possibly you calling and him hanging up.... The suggestion he just takes cash is a good one, he should have his own keys sorted and you should just go to bed as normal.

ike1 · 10/09/2011 20:21

Yes he ll do whatever hun. Can a friend come over + keep u company?

Takitezee · 10/09/2011 20:21

Do you have children?

Fatshionista · 10/09/2011 20:34

We have two DD's together and his DS is here asleep too (he stays on weekends).

When I was calling him it wasn't because I was hassling him, his DS was ill and I wasn't sure whether to call a doctor but he ignored my texts and calls so in the end I got a doctor out and stayed up until he came home as he had no keys (he said he would be home at 11pm, hence no keys). The second time he did this I admit I did hassle him a bit as he was three hours late and I was tired (again, no keys). I've made him take his keys tonight so if he does come in late I can go to bed and not worry.

He's only taken cash and says he will be home at midnight since he's not clubbing and just going for some pints around the local pubs. If he doesn't get up for work it's his business but I'd get the blame.

I don't mean to be so controlling. I wouldn't like it if he controlled me but I justify it to myself as he shouldn't control me as he has no reason not to trust me whereas we're openly working on the issues that he has made in our relationship. Obviously the trust issues run slightly deeper than petty lies in our case.

I have DD2 up teething and MN so I have plenty to do tonight. I trust him a great deal more than I used to which shows there's an improvement (we had counselling) and I guess this was me saying to him 'I want to trust you so prove it to me that you can keep your word'.

I'm not talking to those 'friends' anymore either.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 20:42

Why would you get the blame if he didn't get up?

What will you do if he fucks up tonight?

Fatshionista · 10/09/2011 20:54

I'd get the blame for not waking him up. When he's drunk/hungover he can be hard work and although he comes around and tells me he didn't mean what he said, at the time it pisses me off/hurts and I have to bite my tongue not to start the morning without biting his head off.

If he fucks up I'll be asking him to leave for a few weeks. He knows this. We'd be on a 'trial separation' of sorts but still go to our counselling appointments and he'd still see the children. His parents don't live far away and would put him up should this be the result. He knows this was the last time I'd lie down and take it so there'd be a real consequence to this.

To be fair to him he has been trying so hard, has got a job and this is him proving he can go out and be a 25 year old without fucking over the people he loves which is all I want. I'm 22, I love a girls night out and we're so young we need time without each other but I need to trust him and it's so difficult for me to trust him completely when my emotions take over.

For what it's worth, I would bet money he will be home at 12.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 15:18

And was he?

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Fatshionista · 11/09/2011 15:27

Yes :D He was home at 12 on the dot!

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 15:30

Good, I'm glad for you.

susiedaisy · 11/09/2011 15:53

Good to hear he was home on time

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