Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ok so i told him and now what?

36 replies

firth · 26/08/2011 21:53

Ok so I have finally told DH tonight that I am not prepared to transfer and remortgage home until he has given up cannabis for good and he controls his moodswingss. He tells me he is very dissapointed in. me, he feels very insecure, he will now put aside half his income into his own account - I will have to meet mortgage costs. He loves me very much and always will and if I ever try to separate from him I will have to get an injunction. Now I feel awful he seemed genuinely done in. Am I such a cow to refuse to transfer property into joint names based on his past behaviour not alllowing for the fact that he has not smoked cannabis for 6 days and not had a verbal go since 6.15 this morning. WHen i type this i see clearly that he is a pillock and I was right but I would appeciate some back up or indeed the opposite. He has now gone out to clear his hand which he says may take him to his friends house where he willl have a joint but he not sure he confused.

OP posts:

Report

Newbabynewmum · 26/08/2011 21:59

Ofcourse you're right. Sorry, I don't know the back story but he sounds like a complete arse (and some). Stay strong. Someone will be here soon who is more useful than me!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/08/2011 22:00

"If you ever try to seperate from him you will have to get an injunction"

That sounds very much like a threat to me.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/08/2011 22:01

Sorry, you feel awful?

He threatens you and you feel guilty?

tallwivglasses · 26/08/2011 22:04

My instant reaction is NOB-ALERT!

He knows what buttons to push and he's pushed the lot, which is why you're now doubting yourself. Now something must have made you give him this ultimatum.

WHen i type this i see clearly that he is a pillock and I was right

Precisely.

HappyCamel · 26/08/2011 22:04

He feels insecure? Words fail me. But then I wouldn't give house room to my DH if he was doing drugs. He loves you but won't share responsibility for the roof over his head?

Forgive me, but I'd suggest drug and relationship counselling.

firth · 26/08/2011 22:05

Yes I think it was a threat wasnt it. We do have three young children so I understand he wouldnt want to go but I am beginning to think he is deepdown nasty and I am pretty much stuck with him. I dont work so have relied on him financially for five years so understand why he wants legal share in house but he has been so downright nasty and controlling I foolishly thought i could make a stand against him and maybe it would result in him leaving. I am somewhat a coward and naive and my eyes are being opened.

OP posts:

firth · 26/08/2011 22:08

He wont go to counselling. what a mess - I think i need to get myself financailly independent. He says i better not have told anyone about this and that i cant ask for money from anyone meaning my mum. I am convincing myself hes the baddie

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 26/08/2011 22:13

He is the baddie, again somwone will come along who will help with any financial implications. You will be OK but you cannot subject your life and your children's lives to a bully.

NettleTea · 26/08/2011 22:15

thats not good. You would be far better off without him - even if you were able to work PT, you have the home, and you would get WTC and he would have to pay maintainance. Tell as many people as you can!!

firth · 26/08/2011 22:15

Thank you makes me realise just typing it and hearing your reactions what a couple of numbskulls we both are and how to shelter DC from our mess

OP posts:

wannaBe · 26/08/2011 22:30

if you separate from him you will have to get an injunction? Well I would call his bluff then.

From a practical point of view though op, if you are married then he is entitled to half the value of the house. Regardless of whether his name is on the deeds or you bought the house before you got together, in the event you split up he would be entitled to 50% of all marital assets.

That doesn't mean I don't think he's a complete tosser - he is without question.

Collaborate · 26/08/2011 22:37

OP he's not entitled to half the house as a starting off point. It's much more complex than that. If there is any starting point, it's that you presently own the whole house.

What is relevant is whether you have kids, what you each contributed at the start of the marriage, what your incomes are, and most importantly the needs of you and your children.

Trust me on this one. I've been a divorce solicitor for 20 years.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 26/08/2011 22:40

You are not stuck with him. Unless he chains you to a radiator when he leaves the house, you are not stuck with him.

It may be difficult to make the choice to end the relationship. It may be painful to make the choice to end the relationship. But you are not stuck with him. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

FabbyChic · 26/08/2011 22:51

He is only entitled to half the house if they are married if she bought it when they first married and moved into it together and can PROVE that he has financially contributed to the upkeep and the mortgage.

If she has the house in her name before she met him and has moved in and only contributed towards utility bills then he is entitled to fuck all.

Saying that he is entitled when there are other factors to consider is bullshit.

FabbyChic · 26/08/2011 22:53

Oh and as an aside OP he is trying to emotionally blackmail you.

If he was a constant user of Cannabis he cannot just give up without having withdrawal symptoms even if they are psychological.

The damage done to him with regards his moodswings and paranoia will be permanent. Drugs do that irrespective of what they are.

Speed/Cocaine causes depression and mental illness, the effects of those are not irreversible either it is something you have to get over and deal with.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 23:00

Contact Women's Aid and a good lawyer to help you get rid of this man. It will not be very difficult to get an injunction to keep an aggressive drug user out of your home (and more importantly, your children's home).

heleninahandcart · 26/08/2011 23:02

OP you have your reasons, and anyway you are not obliged to 'prove' your love to someone by signing over yours and your DC's financial security. Certainly not to a man who is trying emotional blackmail/threats. Yyour gut tells you no, either with or without the dope smoking you know you are right already.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/08/2011 23:24

He says you can't borrow money from your mother? OK, so who died and made him God?

My ex husband said I couldn't use "family money" (ie the money I earned for us all to live on) to fund the divorce. Note the "ex". I could use it and I did. Mind you I also had friends and relatives queueing up to lend me money had I needed more, because they were so keen to see me out of a bad relationship. If you have friends and relatives who'll do that for you, so much the better.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/08/2011 23:26

Your H can't even stay off the stuff for a week and can't keep from arguing for a whole 24 hours. He may think he's proved that he's getting better, but it isn't very impressive to us here on Planet Earth.

FabbyChic · 26/08/2011 23:27

I'd say he has to be free and clear a whole year before considering your options regarding your house.

Secrecy · 26/08/2011 23:36

You would appreciate some back up. You've got it.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 27/08/2011 00:36

This twat is a nasty piece of work who has threatened you when you stood up to him. I agree with SGB, contact Women's Aid, tell everyone how he's treated you, including your mum.

For your sake and your DC's get rid of him.

garlicnutter · 27/08/2011 00:51

Just trotting to the front line with more backup here!

Please go and find out your actual facts - as differentiated from the egomaniacal ramblings of a drug-addled bully - from Womens Aid, the CAB and whoever else you like, then engage Collaborate as your lawyer

if I ever try to separate from him I will have to get an injunction

I think he'll find that's not an injunction, it's a divorce petition.

Oh, by the way, you are NOT responsible for his moods, so-called insecurity or feeding his ego. Stop feeling like you should be!

Marshmallowflump · 27/08/2011 15:54

Yep take the advice honeybun, Collaborate is telling you like it is, he is the nutter here, not you , you need to sort it out and not put up with his threats because that is what they are, you deserve better in your life.
I have been divoced 17 years now beleive you me it gets better.

ThePosieParker · 27/08/2011 15:59

Is it a mortgage in your name only then? I'd love to see him try and stay!! You,as the primary carer, get to keep the house and he has to pay at least until dcs are 18.

As for Cannabis and it's long term effects they are dependent upon the user entirely....not even how much. Suffice to say if he'd rather smoke weed and deal with the consequences than give up, he's got a serious problem.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.